what to treat - drug addiction or mental illness?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have posted before, "extreme relationships" and "just let them be?" re my 20 yr old daughter. The past 2 weeks have been hell, but with the help of this group and reading articles and posts,I have remained relatively calm and decided to let it all unfold and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Briefly, she has been hospitalized 3 times in a little over a year, she totaled 2 cars, (currently she does not have a car although I did get enough insurance money to get her another, I think it would be like handing her a loaded gun) she threathens suicide often, she does cut, and she seeks out the scum of the earth because they "understand her". Lately she has not been coming home or contacting me at all. She's home on summer break from college. When I did see her she looked awful. Her face was a mess. She was staying with a guy she just met who was her "savior". Last night she finally came home and told me "a whole lot of crazy sh** just went down". The girlfriend and baby-mama of her new "savior" chased them in her car and ran them off the road and hit a tree (no injuries) apparently it was the girlfriend's car and she was going to report it stolen. My daughter called my other daughter to pick them up and take them each home. So...leaving the scene of an accident. She started to gather clothes without strings and laces and said if the cops came for her she was going to freak out and go back to the hospital. She got a shower, washed her hair and we waited. no cops. She laid out some clothes for work the next day and went to bed. She told me she loved me. She apologized. When I woke up at 7 this morning she was gone. Took the keys out of my purse and took my car. I texted her and she replied that she needed to go to rehab. She told me she would be home and please let her alone for a little.
So, rehab. I knew she was smoking pot on and off depending on the friends she was with, but her weight loss and face were tell-tale signs of meth use. I don't know how long it's been going on and I don't know what kind of drugs she has been doing. She won't tell me. Her sister told me she said, "all of them." So maybe even heroin. I checked out a well-reputed rehab but she told me she had another in mind. From friends who had been there. She did call them and they don't have a bed for her now, but told her to call first thing in the morning to see if anything opens up. From the website, this place offers lots of therapy in addition to detox - Cognitive, group, DBT, etc. and they do treat dual-diagnosis.
Chicken and egg - is the drug use a result of self-medicating for BPD, or is the BPD an excuse for the drug use? Do you understand where I am coming from? Or does it really matter? Probably not. If this place can get her in and she sticks with the programs, maybe there is hope that she can get well and learn to manage her erratic behaviors.
Earlier this week when she came home for a shower, I couldn't hold back and yelled at her and she exploded. Not too long after she left I texted: I'm sorry I yelled at you. I ran out of patience. DD: Do you forgive me for being a failure as a daughter? Me: No I don't because you are not a failure as a daughter. DD:I love you. I'm sorry for being so mean and stupid an bitter and problematic. I'm sorry I cost you so much money and that I make you mad and sad. What can I do to make things better? Me: Be more mindful. Stop, breathe and think before you act or speak. DD: Do I still make you happy or proud?  and she texted lots more like that, needing reassurance that I still love her. That was the day before stuff "went down". I had a feeling something was going to happen soon because you just can't go on like that for long without something happening. And I could tell she was trying.
Now she is at a girlfriend's that I trust. She told her summer job that she would be gone for a while and confided to one of the older women what was really happening. She has support there. She really is a wonderful, sweet, smart, talented girl, but the Mr. Hyde that is either the drugs or BPD clouds that.
All right. That is all. I'd really like to get some input from those who have gone the rehab dual-diagnosis route and how it went.  
Thank you for reading this very long winded post. <3 to all.

[mom7834]

I have posted before, "extreme relationships" and "just let them be?" re my 20 yr old daughter. The past 2 weeks have been hell, but with the help of this group and reading articles and posts,I have remained relatively calm and decided to let it all unfold and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Briefly, she has been hospitalized 3 times in a little over a year, she totaled 2 cars, (currently she does not have a car although I did get enough insurance money to get her another, I think it would be like handing her a loaded gun) she threathens suicide often, she does cut, and she seeks out the scum of the earth because they "understand her". Lately she has not been coming home or contacting me at all. She's home on summer break from college. When I did see her she looked awful. Her face was a mess. She was staying with a guy she just met who was her "savior". Last night she finally came home and told me "a whole lot of crazy sh** just went down". The girlfriend and baby-mama of her new "savior" chased them in her car and ran them off the road and hit a tree (no injuries) apparently it was the girlfriend's car and she was going to report it stolen. My daughter called my other daughter to pick them up and take them each home. So...leaving the scene of an accident. She started to gather clothes without strings and laces and said if the cops came for her she was going to freak out and go back to the hospital. She got a shower, washed her hair and we waited. no cops. She laid out some clothes for work the next day and went to bed. She told me she loved me. She apologized. When I woke up at 7 this morning she was gone. Took the keys out of my purse and took my car. I texted her and she replied that she needed to go to rehab. She told me she would be home and please let her alone for a little.
So, rehab. I knew she was smoking pot on and off depending on the friends she was with, but her weight loss and face were tell-tale signs of meth use. I don't know how long it's been going on and I don't know what kind of drugs she has been doing. She won't tell me. Her sister told me she said, "all of them." So maybe even heroin. I checked out a well-reputed rehab but she told me she had another in mind. From friends who had been there. She did call them and they don't have a bed for her now, but told her to call first thing in the morning to see if anything opens up. From the website, this place offers lots of therapy in addition to detox - Cognitive, group, DBT, etc. and they do treat dual-diagnosis.
Chicken and egg - is the drug use a result of self-medicating for BPD, or is the BPD an excuse for the drug use? Do you understand where I am coming from? Or does it really matter? Probably not. If this place can get her in and she sticks with the programs, maybe there is hope that she can get well and learn to manage her erratic behaviors.
Earlier this week when she came home for a shower, I couldn't hold back and yelled at her and she exploded. Not too long after she left I texted: I'm sorry I yelled at you. I ran out of patience. DD: Do you forgive me for being a failure as a daughter? Me: No I don't because you are not a failure as a daughter. DD:I love you. I'm sorry for being so mean and stupid an bitter and problematic. I'm sorry I cost you so much money and that I make you mad and sad. What can I do to make things better? Me: Be more mindful. Stop, breathe and think before you act or speak. DD: Do I still make you happy or proud?  and she texted lots more like that, needing reassurance that I still love her. That was the day before stuff "went down". I had a feeling something was going to happen soon because you just can't go on like that for long without something happening. And I could tell she was trying.
Now she is at a girlfriend's that I trust. She told her summer job that she would be gone for a while and confided to one of the older women what was really happening. She has support there. She really is a wonderful, sweet, smart, talented girl, but the Mr. Hyde that is either the drugs or BPD clouds that.
All right. That is all. I'd really like to get some input from those who have gone the rehab dual-diagnosis route and how it went.  
Thank you for reading this very long winded post. <3 to all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Wow-this sounds all too familiar! Actually, my son lives with Bipolar disorder and has abused substances when he’s manic or depressed to self medicate. He’s been to 4  dual diagnosis programs. They are actually the only way to go as both must be treated together. This is the evidence based approach. Aftercare is key with step down to PHP then IOP then out patient being critical. The drugs you mentioned are extremely addicting and they may do a medically assisted detox. Very important! I’m so sorry for your family. Do you have a Naranon, Alanon or Families Anonymous group you could attend? I believe they typically have a goal of detox and return to baseline, then really focus on bolstering coping skills and education about what the drugs are doing, then they can work on the CBT and healthy living. Hugs from Texas!

[FaithHopeLove]

Wow. That sounds like a horrible experience. I am so sorry. My son is also dual diagnosis BPD and cannabis addiction. When he was released from the hospital he was supposed to complete drug rehab before DBT. He did not complete rehab. We were told he could still do DBT but then he didn't. So I am afraid I don't have a good answer to your question other than to say it is great she is willing to go.

[mom7834]

waiting for a bed to open up. I hope she doesn't change her mind.

[MomSA]

waiting for a bed to open up. I hope she doesn't change her mind.

In our country we are able to "section" a loved one via court order which enforces a voluntary admission. That sounds like a paradox, but basically with a social worker you can get a warrant for the persons arrest because they are a danger to themselves (self harm, suicide and drug use) and to others (think driving under the influence).

This is a non-criminal warrant and is not acted upon by the cops unless the person refuses to go to rehab. So the conversation goes: If you willingly come with us to the rehab which has been chosen carefully for you but your parent, then we will not need to arrest you.

Most kids choose to go to rehab. However, the GREAT thing about the warrant is that it makes them stay in rehab. Kids who are on drugs as a way to medicate generally can't handle the stay in rehab for more than a week and then walk out. Having the warrant or section means that they can't. And if they run away the cops will pick them up and take them back.

Can you do something similar in your country?

We sent our daughter to rehab from Dec 2018 - March 2019. It was there that she was able to think clearly and we saw the young girl we had always known. In hindsight we feel she should have stayed longer. She came home possibly a month or two early.

She is not in therapy and isn't using drugs, but has returned to her ex-boyfriend so we are wondering if its not just a matter of time.

[Lollypop]

Hi mom 7834

It’s fantastic your daughter is seeking help and you’re staying calm. Many of us here have experience our kids taking drugs.

maybe there is hope that she can get well and learn to manage her erratic behaviors.

It takes commitment to get well and your daughter has taken a very important step in what will be a long journey for her and, of course, you too. She seeks validation and emotional support from you and it’s great that you’ve got a dialogue with her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and you’re doing exactly the right thing. Reading, posting and questioning.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice regarding dual treatment centres. My/our situation has vastly improved since I first arrived here. There’s no quick fixes and there’s lots of baby steps.

What kind of support do you have for yourself and hoes your other daughter coping?

Hugs
LP

[mom7834]

Thank you for your kind words. My other daughter, 22, suffers from depression and anxiety, but she really steps up to the plate when her sister needs her. Sometimes she gets very frustrated with her tho, she's afraid she's going to end up just like the kids she hangs out with - and she doesn't have to. Just like many of you on here, she has a support system, we are all educated teachers and professionals. My D22 just graduated from a very prestigous college with a double major in cognitive science and psychology, so she is very familiar with BPD and treatments. And sometimes she, too, thinks she's just a drama queen. I guess that's the sister in her. I finally broke down and told my mom (almost) everything, so now I have her to talk to. My older sister is very helpful, too, because she knows many people in the medical field, and in her job...whoops, gotta go.

[wendydarling]

Hi mom 7834

Big hug from me   you broke down, told your mom  does she live nearby? After what your DD's just been through she is amazing arranging her own rehab, ringing work, taking control, responsibility is key. Your DD has courage. I hope she gets the help she wants and deserves soon. As LP says it's baby steps.

mom 7834, a year ago I asked my DD why she did not reach out for help earlier, she said she needed to feel the consequences of her actions to accept there was a problem.  She also shared the expectation of everyone and herself to carry on with life … education, work...be successful, and she was but it was at a huge personal cost to her. For her things had to get worse before they could get better.

It's not for everyone, what worked for me and my DD was to be open and honest with everyone, family, friends, colleagues... It gave her reassurance we understood, we were all on her side, she was not alone, we were walking with her. She was able to better manage her feelings of shame and guilt knowing she had our consistent support and love. She stepped off her rollercoaster. DD was self medicating on alcohol when she hit crisis and dx at 26. DD attended weekly drug and alcohol counselling, while waitlisted for DBT for 12 months which was the nightmare part. But we got through it! Like your DD she was desperate for help and she did buckle down and alcohol was taken off the menu. DD steered clear from social events and certain people, environments. I made home the place to be, calm and soothing, no expectations. It became her sanctuary, place to work just on getting well.

What to treat - drug addiction or mental illness?
I'm in the UK. From my personal experience my DD would have benefitted treatments alongside each other as she was committed, determined, her pain was excruciating, she was no longer functioning. I can also understand why they offer rehab first like Faith's son was, once progress can be seen, commitment and motivation they're likely ready to engage in BPD treatments. Your DD is signing up for rehab, do you feel she's open to BPD/other treatment too?

WDx

[mom7834]

Well, my daughter is now in drug rehab. She has been pretty good the last few days while waiting for a bed to open up. She did set up everything herself and communicated with the facility, every morning calling to ask if a bed had opened up. I do track her phone calls, and I noticed she called a helpline several times and that makes me happy. She wants to change and she is working on it. I drove her about 2 hrs to the place. It seems nice. We had a pleasant drive. I hugged her for a long, long time before I left. They said 5-8 days in detox and then take it from there. If she wants in-patient treatment, it is a dual-diagnosis facility and if possible she can stay there. I called to check on her well-being today and they said everything is going as it is supposed to. She is mostly sleeping. I am so relieved that she is safe. Thank you all for your support. I think I'm going to find another on-line support group as well, which includes the drug rehab. Any suggestions?

[MomSA]

This is good news...thank you for sharing.

Sleep is part of the healing process.

[wendydarling]

I hugged her for a long, long time before I left

Brought a tear to my eye. I'm sure that hug is helping her through. I bet you are one proud Mom, I keep reading your post and how your DD took control and made it happen for her shows true grit and determination. That's what my DD showed and yes she too needs gentle reassurance.

  rooting for your girl.

I hope you are feeling some relief Mom7834 How are you today?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mom7834]

My daughter is coming home from drug rehab in 3 days. We had a family session a few days ago and it went very well. She is very positive and has a plan for the future. This is a dual-diagnosis facility. She really likes it and feels like she has come a long way, but she also says she's not ready to come home. However, 30 days is all our insurance will cover. Her couselor thinks she is ready to move on. She is set up with intensive outpatient treatment - 2 or 3 times a week for 3 hour group and individual sessions. She is also set up with a psychiatrist near her college for when school starts and has a list of AA and NA meetings at home and at school. She also found a group of sober festival goers! She loves these hippie music fests and said there is a group of sober dead heads - just look for the yellow balloons and join them. So she doesn't have to give up everything she is, just learn new ways to celebrate. We also talked about her turning 21 and celebrating sober. I get the idea that she attributes most of her erratic behavior to self-medicating, then eventually becoming addicted. (and wow. I didn't even see it.) She started a new medication and is also going to be doing suboxone. After long discussion (pros and cons) I decided to get her a car.  She will need a car to get to therapy and work. Most of my cons were trust issues so to help give me peace of mind she will make herself visible on the GPS tracker on her phone.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm terrified for her to come home. I miss her terribly, but I was secure in the knowledge that she was safe and being looked after.  Hoping for the best... and praying a lot.

[Harri]

Hi and thanks for the update.  It sounds like things are well in place for her.   

I never heard that about the yellow balloons.  What a great idea! 

I can only imagine the fear you feel.  Please reach out to us here and not just when you need to.  Can can offer a lot of support to you to and I think sharing your experience might be a good thing for everyone.

[PeaceMom]

I’ve read all about the yellow balloons and those folks sound so cool. My kids adore those festivals, too and I’ve suggested trying to find the balloon group! Leaving rehab is a big step and it sounds like she’s motivated and the pieces are in place to make the transition fairly seamless.  Cautious optimism!
Peacemom

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mom7834,

I am glad your daughter is coming home and has an aftercare plan in place. I just wanted to ask about the Suboxone. Has your daughter already been taking this, or is it something she is planning to start? I only ask because my personal experience with Suboxone is that it is addictive and produces withdrawal symptoms similar to, though not as long lasting, as methadone, and I just wondered if  there is a plan to step her down off of it. Did the rehab recommend the Suboxone?

[mom7834]

The rehab recommended the suboxone and my daughter thinks it would be a good thing. I don't have too much knowledge about the drug except what I read online. Her counselor told me she would meet with the doctor again before she was discharged to go over the aftercare. Have others had bad experiences with this drug?

[PeaceMom]

Hi, I don’t know anything from personal
experience, but my DS who has been in several drug rehabs says it’s typically prescribed to help those addicted to opioids get off those potent, deadly drugs and take this prescribed carefully monitored “Sub” instead. It is a bit controversial bc it has similar properties. Experts in the drug addiction field suggest it is the best evidence based approach to
long term sobriety from opioid abuse. It’s a tricky area for sure-nothing simple about it.
There is a lot of info out there from reputable organizations about the drug. I believe Betty Ford Center uses it now in their protocol. Discharge from rehab is a strange time for me as a mom. I’m typically filled with both hope and fear in equal parts.
I’ve put a ton of pressure on myself to make everything low stress, no conflict and very comfortable, thereby setting the bar way too high!  My advice is stay grounded and take care of YOU first and foremost. Hugs from Texas

[mom7834]

Update on my daughter - 3 weeks out of rehab. Going to AA and NA meetings quite often, almost daily. Started intensive outpatient treatment but did not complete it, due to her oversleeping and missing appointments. They kicked her out. She wasn't too concerned because although this was something she wanted to do as aftercare, she said it wasn't really helpful. Most people were court-ordered to be there and not really "trying". Doing suboxone maintenance which seems to be going well except for occasional upset stomach. Taking Welbutrin with no issues. Getting along well, keeping in touch. Then yesterday the bomb dropped. Her probation officer called her (she's on ARD for DUI) and said since she dropped out of the IOP they considered her in violation of her probabtion for not completing the required hours of counseling. WTF? She was in rehab for over a month! They called her in for a pee test. She admitted to me that she was smoking pot last week. IDK how much or how often. So when the pee test comes back positive for THC she will probably lose her ARD, be charged with a DUI, have to go back to rehab (although my insurance won't cover it - only once per year) or go to jail?  I really don't know what will happen. Her PO said there will be a hearing for her not completing the iop. I feel like I should get her a lawyer, but truthfully, I'm broke. I just took a 10K HELOC on top of the 30K I already have because I need a roof and money for her college - and now she might not even go back. I'm just at my wits end. She will be 21 in October but she's still my kid and I feel like I should provide for her college, car insurance, and her upkeep, etc.  until she graduates and gets a job. As i'm typing this I realize how ridiculous this sounds.  Why should I keep doing this if she is going to continue to get in herself in trouble? Why do I think that graduating from college and finding a job will make any of this end? I'm an idiot. I should tell her to get a public defender and she's on her own.   I just... I don't know. I just don't know. You have a few good weeks and you think everything is going to be fine. Wake up and smell the coffee. It's never going to be fine, is it? And you know, we've been dealing so much with this drug issue that I don't even know how she is doing mentally. She isn't seeing a psychiatrist, although she will continue to see the one she is set up with at her college. That is, if she goes back to college. Oh man, I don't even know what to do, think, say, etc. I'm exhausted.

[Lollypop]

Hi mom7834

It’s a rollercoaster ride and we have to get off if we want to be the parent they need us to be. A strong, non-reactive one that can emotionally support them when they need it. I know you’ve got this and understand. Right now it sounds like you’re a bit of a whirl emotionally. Up and down we go and it’s exhausting.

Looking at a massive positives - Your daughter is maturing and made a critical decision about her drug use. I loved reading the texts between the two of you and I’m sure your support helped her very much. You know you’ve got the skills to interact with her. Of course you love her, she knows it and she seeks validation. Progress isn’t always linear. Sometimes, even a step backwards is in fact part of the progressive journey. The trick is to try not react and remain as calm as we can.

I should provide for her college, car insurance, and her upkeep, etc.  until she graduates and gets a job. As i'm typing this I realize how ridiculous this sounds.  Why should I keep doing this if she is going to continue to get in herself in trouble?

Woah, you made a big leap forwards there girl!  Best to try to stay in the present. To behave like an adult they need to be treated like one, but gently it has to be done so gently.

It's never going to be fine, is it?

The problem is reconciling the facts from wishing  things were different. None of us know the future. For what it’s worth, my DS eventually started to learn from his mistakes. Having responsibility for his life and dealing with his challenges has improved his resilience. We have a happier life because of the deeper connection we have, despite the problems. Letting go of a utopia and accepting life for what it is takes maturity. We can choose happiness.

truthfully, I'm broke.

Then you cannot pay for a lawyer, regardless how you or your daughter may wish otherwise. This is truth. For you to be of any help to your daughter, she needs you to be stable and finances are part of that. We have to take care of ourselves first.

we’ve been dealing so much with this drug issue that I don't even know how she is doing mentally.

My heart goes out to you. I’ve been there too. Sometimes there’s so many problems it’s hard to know where to start - I’d ask what’s the priority? The feeling to “fix” is strong so the mind plays tricks and tells us this is THE priority. Trying to work out just how we should approach things sometimes is incredibly difficult when feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Go with your gut mom7834. Breathe. Connect with your daughter. Take one day at a time. You can’t change her, only yourself and how you react.

You are stronger than you realise.

Hugs

LP

[Swimmy55]

Hi mom7834.
One step at a time.  When my DS had a DUI back in college, I certainly did let a public defender represent him, with no guilt  at all. As far as the other stuff, only if you can afford to /wish to assist as you are able.  If you can't do it all (most of us can't) , then look at what you can comfortably take on.  In addition, take it on if it worth it to you.  For example, if your DD can't/ won't finish school after paying, can you live with that debt? If you cosign that loan, can you take it upon yourself to pay it off if daughter can't/won't ? I look at loans like the American financial adviser Suze Orman says- take on the loan /help as if you are going to be the only one paying it, even as a co signer.  If it's too much , then it's too much.  In my personal case I let the public defender and the DS work it out.  I did pay for his car insurance up until yesterday( that was a whole other story of hell on other email trails I won't get into ) ,etc. 
There are positives with your daughter though and like Lolly stated, progress isn't linear. 

[Rosheger]

Re suboxone - my dtr’s boyfriend was addicted to it and had some bad results.  Anger outbursts, loss of control. I suggest you read up about it. I know when I did I was a bit shockef by what I read. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[No-One]

Hi mom7834:
Just offering my 2 cents.  I tend to be a "tough love" type of person, so sorry if any of my comments sound harsh. I'm just offering one opinion to consider.

Your daughter may have done well with in-patient care, but sounds like things went  downhill after that.  I believe the most critical time can be after you get out of in-patient care, so the out-patient appointments should have been important to her and critical to her recovery.

A tough-love approach would be to let her go with a Public Defender and don't try to rescue her.  I'd suspect that with her DUI, the out-patient care was mandated for her and if she didn't know that, she should have.  She had to know she would get drug tested, while on probation.  

Is she perhaps just telling you things you want to hear?  The proof is not in the talk, but in the behavior.

You might want to see on-going proof of sobriety (negative drug testing) for an extended period of time, before paying for more college.  Perhaps, she needs to find a job, work for a year and prove she can stay sober.  

If she goes to College, and you pay for it, best if she has some serious goal about a career she is apt to get a job in.  Too many people spend a lot of money on college for degrees that don't lead to jobs.  

Started intensive outpatient treatment but did not complete it, due to her oversleeping and missing appointments. They kicked her out. She wasn't too concerned because although this was something she wanted to do as aftercare, she said it wasn't really helpful. Most people were court-ordered to be there and not really "trying".

The real test is when you leave an in-patient facility. Sounds like she didn't take the outpatient seriously.  I hear excuses.  "Oversleeping & missing appts." is an excuse for not wanting to go (perhaps planning to NOT go) and a lack of desire to show some discipline.  

What's common, is for people to leave an in-patient rehab and then go straight to a sober living house.  From what I've heard, they are given chores and there are rules and discipline in those sober living homes.  

If others aren't trying, that's not an excuse for her to NOT try.  If you aren't trying, you won't get the intended benefit from the outpatient.  Part of the benefit of participating in the out-patient is just showing the discipline to show up and make an effort.

Then yesterday the bomb dropped. Her probation officer called her (she's on ARD for DUI) and said since she dropped out of the IOP they considered her in violation of her probation for not completing the required hours of counseling. WTF? She was in rehab for over a month!

So when the pee test comes back positive for THC she will probably lose her ARD, be charged with a DUI, have to go back to rehab (although my insurance won't cover it - only once per year) or go to jail?

Sounds like you think she could have been "fixed" in 30 days?  I think it's rare that in-patient only leads to successful drug rehab. It's easy to comply, when you are locked up.  The subsequent outpatient care, and the discipline to follow through with that is huge, in my opinion.  Coming home from in-patient and hanging in bed too long isn't a good thing.

I hear that you want to support your daughter (and believe what she says), but I'd have to ask:

*  If she is on probation for DUI, how is it that she didn't see the outpatient care as mandatory?  (The others in the out-patient care were court ordered, but not her, with her DUI?)

*  She has to know she would be drug tested & that using marijuana would lead to consequences.

Chicken and egg - is the drug use a result of self-medicating for BPD, or is the BPD an excuse for the drug use?

I think that people sometimes turn to drugs to self-medicate for things like anxiety & depression, as opposed to pursuing healthy alternatives.  Then, when they get hooked on drugs, the drug addiction can be a partial cause of bad behaviors.

I don't think that people just appear with BPD one day, I tend to think that various mental conditions, that aren't successfully treated/managed, can evolve to BPD.  Mix illegal drugs with mental conditions and you have a lot of dysregulated behaviors.

I tend to believe that people are apt to be more successful with treating  mental issues and the drug issues at the same time, at least to some degree.  It's important to learn healthy ways to manage emotions and to deal with stress as soon as possible.

Got to learn healthy coping skills to go to, instead of drugs.  Some level of DBT or DBT-like skills can help right away.  Perhaps, the more in-depth DBT training is best received, when things stabilize a bit.

I think that beating drug addiction can be tough.  Most fail several times, before being successful.  Relapses can be common.  "Trust, but verify" is a good policy to follow.

Just sharing some thoughts to consider.  I wish you the best.  Don't let the FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) get in your way of sound decisions.

[PeaceMom]

This is very honest and valid advice from No One.  We paid thousands of dollars for a top notch Residential Treatment Facility to learn everything stated here. We have found that it’s very hard to put these things into practice because usually it is more work for us, the parents of the young adult who lives at home or will live at home if they take a year off from college.

Mom7834, would you consider not sending DD back to school in a few weeks? I’ve operated under the wishful thinking approach telling myself that if my kid could just get a degree a lot of his problems would disappear, or he would grow up and out of some dysfunctional behaviors. That has not proved true in our house.