Time spent with son + DBT workbook

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all.

I didnt want to mention the fact that I spent time with my son Friday just in case it blew up in my face. He messaged me Tuesday and directly asked to come to the gym with me and his brother who lives with me. As I've previously said, my son is very volatile so I treble checked my other son was ok with it. We organised it and he came to my place. My daughter then decided she and her bf wanted to join us, i initially panicked because 3 of them together . Im pleased to say it was actually a very nice afternoon. After the gym we went home and had lunch. 0 arguments or worrying periods.

He was talking a lot about his mom which is understandable because of recent events, he is not very happy with her and thats the thoughts of many right now but...he was talking about her lack of caring about others and how I had been treated by her and how the family feels sorry for me. He was saying how i had always looked after her and he is glad he has my traits... how he is tired of putting everyone else first and he needs to start thinking about what he wants. I was speechless to say the least because he is pretty much a carbon copy of his mom. His words just scream denial to me. I did not question what he said, i just listened because any criticism would not of ended well. Then it struck me, i think the best way forward is to avoid talking to him about his issues as much as possible, because he doesnt think he has any. He is going to be an engineer now and make loads of money...its not going to happen, he left school this year and did not turn up to even do his exams, hes not been to school in over 2yrs. To get any sort of decent job now will involve a good few years at college.

I have said before that i cannot just deny him wanting to spend time with me and refuse. NO family want to know him and i think he needs me. He does appear to be very enthusiastic about wanting to spend time with me and i think I'll just see how things go. I have told him I will not be tolerating violence or mouthing off, any of this and he will be asked to leave.

The DBT workbook got delivered today (finally), theres a lot to work through right? My daughter is going to do it and I also want my other son (who lives with me) to do it. Hes not very enthusiastic  but saying that, he is like me and internalizes it. A quick mention about him actually, he wanted to know why i thought he was like me and i told him my traits are strong in him. We both did the Myers-Briggs test and guess what? We are both the same  back on topic, i was thinking of working through the workbook too. Im not BPD but could it benefit me? Have any of you done it? Did you find it helpful/pointless?

[Longterm]

Hi all.

I didnt want to mention the fact that I spent time with my son Friday just in case it blew up in my face. He messaged me Tuesday and directly asked to come to the gym with me and his brother who lives with me. As I've previously said, my son is very volatile so I treble checked my other son was ok with it. We organised it and he came to my place. My daughter then decided she and her bf wanted to join us, i initially panicked because 3 of them together . Im pleased to say it was actually a very nice afternoon. After the gym we went home and had lunch. 0 arguments or worrying periods.

He was talking a lot about his mom which is understandable because of recent events, he is not very happy with her and thats the thoughts of many right now but...he was talking about her lack of caring about others and how I had been treated by her and how the family feels sorry for me. He was saying how i had always looked after her and he is glad he has my traits... how he is tired of putting everyone else first and he needs to start thinking about what he wants. I was speechless to say the least because he is pretty much a carbon copy of his mom. His words just scream denial to me. I did not question what he said, i just listened because any criticism would not of ended well. Then it struck me, i think the best way forward is to avoid talking to him about his issues as much as possible, because he doesnt think he has any. He is going to be an engineer now and make loads of money...its not going to happen, he left school this year and did not turn up to even do his exams, hes not been to school in over 2yrs. To get any sort of decent job now will involve a good few years at college.

I have said before that i cannot just deny him wanting to spend time with me and refuse. NO family want to know him and i think he needs me. He does appear to be very enthusiastic about wanting to spend time with me and i think I'll just see how things go. I have told him I will not be tolerating violence or mouthing off, any of this and he will be asked to leave.

The DBT workbook got delivered today (finally), theres a lot to work through right? My daughter is going to do it and I also want my other son (who lives with me) to do it. Hes not very enthusiastic  but saying that, he is like me and internalizes it. A quick mention about him actually, he wanted to know why i thought he was like me and i told him my traits are strong in him. We both did the Myers-Briggs test and guess what? We are both the same  back on topic, i was thinking of working through the workbook too. Im not BPD but could it benefit me? Have any of you done it? Did you find it helpful/pointless?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[I Am Redeemed]

Some of the skills in the workshops in the library here are DBT skills, (Wise mind, Radical Acceptance) so my first thought is that this could be beneficial to you for your own mental and emotional health.

Is your son open to doing the workbook?

[GaGrl]

I am qualified for Myers-Briggs profile work. I can say that is a very good (and safe) place to start talking about innate personality characteristics , differences and similarities.

[Longterm]

Some of the skills in the workshops in the library here are DBT skills, (Wise mind, Radical Acceptance) so my first thought is that this could be beneficial to you for your own mental and emotional health.

Is your son open to doing the workbook?

Hi IAR.

Yes, I have read a fair amount recently on here in regards to radical acceptance. Wise mind is something I have done since the start, although I do have short periods where I forget it and react, so I do see room for improvement. I think the book could be beneficial.

I did speak with him a bit more about it last night and I think he is more open to it right now than he was initially. Like I said he internalizes and one of his go to things is food, he is also struggling to sleep and both of these are covered in the workbook.

I am qualified for Myers-Briggs profile work. I can say that is a very good (and safe) place to start talking about innate personality characteristics , differences and similarities.

Hi GaGrl.

I have thought for a while to create a post about this topic as I have not seen one, it probably has been spoken about though. From my understanding, your personality type can change, furtherevidence that we are not helpless and we can work through our issues. I wonder how many of us share the same personality types.

[GaGrl]

There have been threads on MBTI before, haven't seen one lately.

My experience is that the fundamental person with traits don't change, but where each trait falls on the spectrum changes. For example, on the Extroversion-Introversion spectrum, there was a time when I was much younger that I fell very far toward the end of the E spectrum; I now fall much closer to the center but still "test out" as E rather than I. What that means to me is that I listen better and am less impulsive, and while I need to seek out the company of friends, I am more needful of alone time to recharge my energy.

So I think MBTI is helpful to explain similarities and differences, but it's not an indicator of mental health.

[Longterm]

There have been threads on MBTI before, haven't seen one lately.

My experience is that the fundamental person with traits don't change, but where each trait falls on the spectrum changes. For example, on the Extroversion-Introversion spectrum, there was a time when I was much younger that I fell very far toward the end of the E spectrum; I now fall much closer to the center but still "test out" as E rather than I. What that means to me is that I listen better and am less impulsive, and while I need to seek out the company of friends, I am more needful of alone time to recharge my energy.

So I think MBTI is helpful to explain similarities and differences, but it's not an indicator of mental health.

Hmmm, really interesting. Sounds like its more a case of managing our less desirable traits. Im sure I read somewhere that personalities do change but maybe that is reasoning to suggest we should not believe everything we read on the net.

Thanks for clearing that up GaGrl 

[livednlearned]

DBT skills are great for anyone with a beating heart  

They can improve relationships with anyone, including of course BPD loved ones.

Learning about BPD has made me a better friend, wife, mother, daughter, co-worker, even stranger, especially because of the DBT insights into emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and tolerance frustration.

You won't regret the work you put into it  

[Longterm]

You won't regret the work you put into it

DBT skills are great for anyone with a beating heart  You won't regret the work you put into it 

Sounds good, i'll hopefullt get it started at work whis week 

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi!  Do you mind me asking the specific name of the workbook you got?  I want one!

[Longterm]

Hi LOTR.

Here's the link:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=dbt+workbook&qid=1563802538&s=gateway&sprefix=dbt+w&sr=8-1

I honestly cannot wait to get started on it. I have just had a call and my long wait for therapy has come to an end and I begin Friday. Perfect timing! 

I hope things are going better for you and your daughter   

LT

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi LT!
Thanks so much for the link.  I want to get this workbook.  In our area, we have 1 dr./group that focuses on DBT, and he does not accept insurance and charges $350 for an hour.  It offends me so much that these are his terms that I just can't even set up an appt. to meet with him.
I want to do the DBT, even though I don't have BPD, because I've heard that for non BPD people, the DBT is really good, especially if you love someone with BPD.
Im looking forward to getting my own workbook!

Thanks for the well wishes, too!
LOTR

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders