Put it in writing?

[Still Here]

My W and I are going through a real rough patch.  She's convinced I tricked her into marrying me and that her life is ruined because I was so dishonest with her about who I was when we were dating.  Everyone puts their best foot forward while dating, but I didn't shine myself up anymore than the next single person.

Last night she asked to agree that I had "lied to her" about something really unimportant, so I thought "fine, I'll give her one."  Now, I'm not allowed back in the house until I put it in writing.

This is new.  Anyone have any insight on this?  I'd like to go back into my home.

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[Ozzie101]

Unfortunately, what you're experiencing is not uncommon.

I'll tell you one of the big things I learned here: don't validate the invalid. So, no, I wouldn't sign anything.

I'll explain a little more, if you'll indulge me:

The way I understand it, it goes something like this: The person with BPD has all these negative emotions and feelings they don't know how to handle. Often, they project those negative feelings onto others. (In a dysregulation, my H has accused me of things he actually did or said.)

They also turn it around and make it the Non's job to fix the problem. How do you fix it? With the Magical Thing. It might be cutting a loved one out of your life. It might be quitting your job and moving across country. It might, as in your case, be admitting to something you know/believe to be untrue.

Here's the problem, though, with the Magical Thing. It doesn't work. It might provide momentary relief for them, but the pain will be back just as strong as before because the Magical Thing wasn't the problem at all. So, if you keep feeding into the Magical Thing thinking, it will not get better and, in fact, your situation will likely get worse.

Another thing with pwBPD, feelings = facts. She feels like you were dishonest with her. Therefore, it must be true. But you know that it's not. I know early in my H's dysregulation phase, I admitted to all kinds of things I knew weren't true. Partly because I was desperate to make him happy. Partly because I was so hurt, confused and turned around I didn't know which way was up.

Like me, you've validated the invalid. No blame on you for that. As I said, I've done that myself. It's understandable. But I wouldn't double down and sign anything.

As for your home, absolutely you want to go back. I'm curious, do you know a lot about communication techniques? We have some resources here that might help. And some other members may have some very good advice on how to handle the situation.

[Still Here]

Thanks for the response. Reflecting a bit I can see how previous “admissions” have encouraged her to seek even more.

I’m working my way around this incredible website and trying to decode all of the useful communication techniques. I’m working on understanding JADE right now.

Thanks again

[Ozzie101]

I'm glad you're looking around the site. We really do have some great resources. They've been a huge help to me. JADE was a BIG one -- and something I still struggle with.

I hope you'll keep reading and posting in other threads and keep posting in your own as well. We're here to help -- either with advice, resources or just listening!

[once removed]

people with bpd traits have inherent trust issues, and very high expectations of loved ones. when those expectations arent met, it can feel a lot like they were deceived, even intentionally/maliciously.

to get at the crux of this, its important to understand what, specifically, she feels you were dishonest about, and why she feels that way.

She's convinced I tricked her into marrying me and that her life is ruined because I was so dishonest with her about who I was when we were dating.

what does she feel you were dishonest about, in her own words?

[GaGrl]

JADE and boundaries are terrific places to start -- focusing on these two skills can make a big difference.

So, right now you are dealing with two issues -- 1) not signing a (false) document at her insistence and 2) wanting to go home, from which you say you are blocked.

What is stopping you from going home? Do you have a key? How would she prevent you from entering your house? Is the lease/property in your name? Both names? Her name?

What would happen if you went home?

[Still Here]

what does she feel you were dishonest about, in her own words?

Money

[once removed]

how does she feel you were dishonest about money?

in her own words.

[Still Here]

What is stopping you from going home? Do you have a key? How would she prevent you from entering your house? Is the lease/property in your name? Both names? Her name?What would happen if you went home?

I did sleep in my home last night, but these are good questions anyway. I have kids from a previous marriage.  My W does not pull this when the kids are with us.  But when they aren't, she'll start arguments and then say that she feels unsafe around me - either because I have argued back, or because she is scared by my refusal to argue.  I live in constant fear of my ex-wife trying to reduce my custody of the kids.  When my current wife says she's afraid of me, I run for the hills.  I can't be placed in a situation where I have a spouse who is willing to say that she is afraid of me.  I wouldn't want to.  I don't want to scare anyone.  She know this about me and uses it.  They (BPDs) use everything.  

[Wilkinson]

I will just add, that I experienced the same thing with my uBPDw.  She would want me to admit things that weren't true.  I struggled because she would fight like crazy.  She once drove me out to the middle of no where so I couldn't just walk away or call an uber and told me she wouldn't take me back until I admitted malicious intent for something that was an accident.  

DON'T DO IT.  Stick to the truth.  If you did something confess honestly, but don't validate the invalid.  It only fans the flames and make things worse long term.  

Plus anything you put in writing will probably get used on you for something.  My wife took a bunch of my emails and showed them around to a bunch of people with her own explanations to make me look bad. If you give this to her in writing, my guess is the lie will then be used as in a smear campaign against you.

[Still Here]

how does she feel you were dishonest about money?
in her own words.

"You promised me that you would inherit enough money, not to make us rich, but to make is so that we wouldn't have to worry about money."

Something like that.

I don't think I ever "promised" but I'm sure I said something like that.  The problem is, my Dad's not dead yet, and I very much prefer him alive.

[Chosen]

Hi Still Here,

Do not put things in writing.  I repeat, do not.

As Ozzie101 said, for pwBPDs, feelings = facts, so first you all you have to understand that if they feel you were dishonest, it doesn't matter whether they have actual facts to prove the point.  They would twist the facts until it matches up with their feelings.  They would somehow "prove" you were dishonest.  There's been various incidences for me when my uBPDh accused me of lying when there is written proof that I had told him exactly the same thing before, he just didn't remember it/ get it then.  But no point in me bringing up those bits of writing to prove my point.

However, if you ever wrote anything to the pwBPD, they WOULD use it against you.  They would read it again and again, and misinterpret it in whatever way they wish.  I'm not saying that without written proof they would forget about the incident, but with something to hold onto they would hold dearly to it and use it against you whenever they can.

I used to believe it is easier to explain myself via email or other forms of the written word, so after fights or being raged on I would write him long emails to tell him things.  I was wrong.  That just gave him more fuel to attack me, and also it can be brought up again and again.