Planning For Family Reunion Explosion

[Still Here]

My family has a reunion every two years in Vermont.  A lot of holocaust survivors so it’s a small extended family, and people don’t have a lot of patience for folks who are struggling with lives that look pretty good by comparison to stuff in their own past.

I have an Aunt (married into the family) who has this way of saying the absolute worst thing possible to everyone she interacts with.  “You look fat,” “Your kids don’t seem that smart” etc.  It’s a known thing we all brace for.  We shrug her off because we don’t want her behavior to ruin the times we are together with fights over stupid comments.

My dBPDw is gearing up for a fight with my Aunt.  She’s been texting my siblings and cousins talking about what she’s going to do when she it’s her turn to get insulted. Everyone wants her to play by the same rules as the rest of us – just smile and move on.  I’m really anxious that she is going to make a scene.  I feel like anything I do to try and suppress it will just make it worse.  These reunions are really important to me.  I don’t want to be the black sheep who is married to the crazy woman.

Hive-mind: Any ideas?

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps you can apply the same strategy with your wife as with your aunt. Ignore it and move on. The more you attempt to control her, the more likely it is that she will make a scene.

People are going to think whatever they think. Best be prepared to relax and not make a big deal of whatever she does. Certainly other family members have wanted to confront your aunt and if your wife does so, perhaps you can distance yourself in another room and just smile ruefully.

[Still Here]

Yeah that sounds right.  I guess what I'm really bracing for is the "why didn't you support me with your family" fight.  But I think what you say is wise.  It's going to happen.  Might as well worry about something else.

[GaGrl]

Before I met my former mother-in-law, my then-husband prepared me. Her family is also Holocaust survivors, MIL is Getman, and she has no filter whatsoever. Husband just said, "Don't take anything Mom says personally. It's just Mom." I didn't see her except for bi-annual visits ( like your reunions), so it worked for me.

Still, trying to coach her probably would feel controlling, so perhaps a few comments like , " What works for me is to say to myself, oh, there she goes again...and move on. "

Anytime she feels controlled, she's going to try to flip the scenario to something she is controlling.

[Still Here]

Thanks GG:

Coaching, or "planning ahead" does sometimes work.  But it has to be her idea.

Still there is nothing like watching a 35-y-o BPD WASP go off on a bunch of actual holocaust survivors.  It's so embarrassing.

[Cat Familiar]

It needn't be embarrassing to you. Yeah, you chose her, but her behavior reflects poorly upon her, not you. If you can have a sense of humor about it, I know, easier said than done--maybe a telling glance between you and your relatives...

People all know individuals who've married folks whose behavior is less than stellar. It's unfortunate that it's your wife, but whatever...  I'm sure that these folks who've seen so much hardship in life can easily be amused by a waspy, entitled emotionally stunted woman--and you can meet them there, rather than trying to take responsibility for her.

[Still Here]

It needn't be embarrassing to you. Yeah, you chose her, but her behavior reflects poorly upon her, not you.

We don't seem to have an emoticon for "you just blew my mind" but we should.   

[Notwendy]

I'm with Cat. You can't control her behavior. She's going to do what she's going to do and it will reflect on her.  

Your relatives have been through the unimaginable and have survived one of the greatest horrors in history. I think they can manage if your wife has a meltdown.

[formflier]

Here is the thing...you may want to look at your own FOO patterns and perhaps choose something different.

What are YOU going to do when the holocaust survivor insults you?  Are you going to conform (be controlled) by the group or will you give yourself the "right" to be hurt..and to express that hurt.

Can you see how you are trying to mold another person into your group? 

Are you ok being molded into your group?

Note:  I'm not suggesting you cause a scene...I'm also suggesting that you not do gymnastics to avoid a scene, when a scene is a normal, logical and rational consequence of the behavior you have described.

So...when you are told something is (insert fat, jiggly..sagging..whatever)..what will you say?

Sometimes deliberately evaluating alternate courses of actions reveals something you haven't considered before...

Best,

FF

PS...these types are in every family.  My Moms mom came from a family where 16 survived childhood.  Family reunions were MASSIVE .  There were a couple that always...ALWAYS pointed out something icky..yet tried to "dress it up".

"Oh my...that outfit looks great on you.  Seems like you are handling your extra weight wonderfully."  (ick...)

[Notwendy]

My cousin had an aunt like that. ( she wasn't a holocaust survivor )I walked by her once and she said " you have big feet " ( mine are average size).

What do you do? I think you just have to ignore it, or say " thank you" .

I also imagine your wife might feel uncomfortable in this situation if she has a different background from them, and they may not be comfortable around her. The holocaust developed in a time of Christian antisemitism. Jews were socially isolated from non-Jews, so they mostly only associated with each other and were understandably wary of outsiders. Antisemitism still exists, but relationships between Christians and Jews are better now. Yet these relatives experienced a different world than your wife has.

pwBPD don't handle uncomfortable emotions well. Someone who could might be able to have empathy for what they went through and how that shaped their views. They wouldn't take it personally. Someone with BPD might not be able to do that.

Even if spouses share the same background, sometimes these events are just plain stressful. It isn't necessary for both spouses to attend all the time. If she's really uncomfortable, she could elect to stay home. You could go and have a more relaxed time.

[GaGrl]

Here are some of the phrases that helped this shiksa interact with the MIL...

 "That's interesting."

 "That's an interesting perspective. "

"Hmmm..."

 "Really... " in a neutral or bored tone.

She was also nosy.

 "Why would you ask?"

 I didn't realize then that I was pretty good at deflection and shutting down a line of conversation.

Actually, my then-husband was one of five sons in the U.S. (two more in the U.K.), so I was pretty focused on getting food on my plate on the first pass, because there were never leftovers!

[Still Here]

There’s a lot of good stuff here. Thanks to everyone.

I think you’re all right. I can’t dwell on the likely confrontation between my bpdW and my loopy Aunt. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I need to focus on how much I will allow the conflict to impact me, and weather I plan to inset myself into the conflict.

It’s not about me. That’s actually a relief. For once it’s about someone else.

[Notwendy]

Just be careful not to get involved as rescuer. When loopy Auntie ticks off your wife, she'll go into victim mode and expect you to defend her. If you say anything like "oh let her be, she's been through a lot" you will sound like you are taking Aunt's side. It will feel invalidating.

Validate your wife. " yes mean old Auntie shouldn't say these things to you" "that was a terrible thing to say" or whatever, but don't attack Auntie- simply validate your wife's feelings at the moment.

If the two of them get snippy, avoid the drama triangle. Just validate your wife if she complains to you and and then distract " mmm let's check out the deserts on the food table"

[Still Here]

And ... kaboom.

[formflier]

Am I right to assume you have a story of a "kaboom" to tell? 

Best,

FF

[Still Here]

Yes and no.

There was a fight. It was public and embarrassing. But it was different than what I’m used to in a couple of positive ways.

1) I have to say that my W did what she could to avoid the situation. She saw what was happening, tried to deescalate, and even tried to physically remove herself from the conflict zone, only to be literally grabbed and held in place. I’m really proud of her efforts to plan in advance and try to avoid the conflict. To the extent she did that for me, I’m very grateful.

2) Because I talked this issue out here, I went into the weekend with a different perspective. I gave up on the idea that if I ran around enough putting out fires, nothing would get burned down. I wasn’t constantly watching my W or my aunt to see if something was brewing and I was able to be a lot more present for a gathering that is really important and meaningful to me. So I’m very grateful for that advice.

3) and also thanks to this conversation, I didn’t try to play the peacemaker once things went south. My aunt came at me, and I defended my W. My uncle approached me too. He’s a really important person in my life, and this would usually be the moment where I would secretly cave and with a wink and a nod acknowledge that the fault was shared. I didn’t do that. I told him I loved him. I told him that if anyone in the family knows what it’s like to have a difficult spouse it’s me. I told him that I know how hard it must be for him. And I told him that we can have our own relationship that is not dependent on how our spouses behave. He has two sons who don’t interact with him at all because of his wife’s behavior. I felt really good about letting him know that I’ll always be there for him, and that I have never ascribed anything to him that he didn’t do himself. That’s not what he’s used to. I feel like I built a bridge with him. I’m glad to have it and I owe him that.

Sorry for the long post. Truth is I could go on and on. But the advice I got here and acted on made a big difference for me, and I wanted to share the success story and say thank you all.

Grateful

SG 

[formflier]

, only to be literally grabbed and held in place. 

This sounds extreme...

Can you fill in some details? 

So..a person was trying to leave...another person literally physically holds them in place..and the rest of the family?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I am glad you were able to deal with this better.

Grabbed your wife? If they are Holocaust survivors- these are not young people. I imagine they would be frail and elderly and not capable of holding a younger person in place. Or are they children/grandchildren of survivors?

I like the idea that you want to have a relationship with your uncle without spouses. You can do that. Doesn't sound like those two get along.

Even children/grandchildren of survivors have lived with the trauma of the holocaust. They may not have personally experienced it, but I think trauma of this extent affects a family. Your aunt may be wary of non-Jews, not due to judgment or bias, but out of fear. It was survival.  Yet, there also were what is known as "righteous Christians" - who risked their lives to help Jews in this era and they are honored in the Jewish tradition. Still, during the holocaust, they didn't know who would help and who would turn them in.

What your family went through is unimaginable. That doesn't excuse any bad behavior on their part. However, they may not feel comfortable around your wife for whatever reason, and if they are elderly, that isn't likely to change. Next reunion, you might just go on your own.

[Still Here]

Yes. Let me explain better.

Generation 1 (G1) are the holocaust survivors. G2 are their kids. G3 are their grandkids. I’m a G3. My uncle is a G2. My aunt married into the family.

She is well known in my family as a troublemaker at best, and a provoker and hurter of feelings at worst.  At every reunion she goes after a few people (including G1 holocaust survivors). All of us have learned how to grin and bear it, walk away, etc.

I’m proud that my bpdW tried to diffuse the situation when my aunt came after her, and went a step further and tried to politely walk away when my aunt wouldn’t back down. That’s all you can ask of a bpd person in that situation. My aunt grabbed her arm and held my W in place to force her to continue the engagement. And that’s when things blew up.

The family largely understood what happened. And my uncle didn’t put up a lot of resistance when we talked to sort it out.

But again, the headline is that regardless of the explosion, my W did everything she could and I appreciated that. I also appreciate the perspective I gained on this website that kept me calm and present during the reunion instead of running around and putting out potential fires.

I was incredibly anxious going in. The advice I received on this really helped. Of course there have been new challenges since the reunion. But the way my W and I handled that situation was a success story to me. The first one I’ve had in a while.

[Notwendy]

I think we can count on at least a couple of crazy people at a family reunion. You aunt sounds like a character 

I think it's great that your wife handled it well and that the event went better than expected for you.

[formflier]

 My aunt grabbed her arm and held my W in place to force her to continue the engagement. And that’s when things blew up.
 

Umm...and when your pwBPD tried to pull her arm away...or said "let go of my arm"...?

How old is this aunt?

This is a classic description of "simple assault" in most state laws.

What was the harangue about?

Best,

FF