Need Help to detach after been discarded and replaced suddenly

[Pytagoras]

Hello everybody,

I was discarded by my 3y exBPDgf in a very sudden way.

I explain everything in my Last topic in "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup":

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338387.0

I learned about her new relationshion in Facebook (when we were still connected) 9 days ago.

So this is my 9th day of detoxing from a toxic relationship.

Need help detaching.

Thank you.

[ClearEyes]

I'm sorry for the pain you've had to endure. I'm sure being replaced in such a way makes you feel worthless and betrayed and there are no magic tricks that can take those feelings quickly away.

Have you looked at the detachment lessons that can be found here?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

If not, I think that is very good place to start.

[Pytagoras]

Hello ClearEyes,

Thk you for your response.

I'm reading.

It was a shocking revelation, but i think i am improving fast. Nevertheless i will need some time to heal. It's a good thing that we are NC. If she tried to recycle me now, i don't now if i could resist.

In a 2 / 3 month period, i think i will be done with her.

[Longterm]

Hi Pytagoras.

I'm sorry your dealing with this right now. We all understand how painful this can be.

It's a good thing right now that you are in NC, it will give you some much needed time to regroup and come to terms with this.

I agree with ClearEyes that the lessons are a good place to start. Besides that, try and make sure you are eating properly, it's easy to neglect ourselves when we are distressed.

LT.

[Pytagoras]

Hello,

Yes. This is still very fresh.

I've been rewinding all the relationship and reviewing my opinions on what happened in different situations. Turns out that she always rebounded relationships and always recycled exes. She has quite a story and i could manage to document it. What an epic.

When she manages to destroy all conections in one place (boyfriends and friends), she moves to another. She has been always on the run. And someday she will leave here too.

I can see much more clear now some manipulations that i couldnt see before because i wanted to believe that it would be diferent with me.

[hmf2234]

It's a blessing that she is not reaching out to you! I wish it was that easy for me in the beginning of the "post breakup". After I was discarded my ex charmed me for 8 grueling months! She made me believe "we are working on getting back together" but instead she was busy getting emotionally invested with other men and hooking up with the ones she wasn't emotionally invested in. An emotional rollercoaster ride, full of lies and manipulations, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! Be Thankful!

In the meantime just try to spend as much time with friends and family as you can to occupy your mind and keep it off of her! Time heals all wounds, it will get better ever so slowly week by week.

[once removed]

wow. thats a really brutal thing to find out Pytagoras.

my ex broke up with me in similar fashion. its surreal and gut wrenching to go through.

how are you holding up?

[Pytagoras]

hmf2234, thk you for your words.

Sorry to ear that.

I think that if didn't found on Facebook, like i did, i would still be reaching her, and we would be involved in some way. So it wouldn't be that different. That's what was happening. I could see she was hurt with me, because i sent her the texts where i said it was very difficult to trust her and that i wanted to break-up. I apologized next day, but after that, she distanced. Of course, she was already dating this guy before, but what puzzles me is that she seemed so in love with me. And we even met after that, kissed, etc. In the last days before i discovered, it seems she was getting closer, accepted my invitation to go to the cinema, etc.

A friend we have in common said that she posted romantic photos with the new guy to hurt me. And that she is raging against me. That she loves doing stuff like that and that soon enough she will try to recycle with me. Everybody says she will return and try to reengage. But after what she did, i don't know if she will have the nerve to do that, and that depends upon many variables as to how will her new relationship evolve.

I was very supportive to her, even financially. In the last months i spent nearly 600$ with her just in health care. Gratitude: zero.

Her postings puzzled me, since she never did it before, even with her more important exes. And because her family is sick of new bf's (she dated litterally hundreds, and only presented 2 or 3 dozens to the family), so publishing something like this so quickly it's just not her normal behavior.

From my own experience and from what i've learned of her previous exes, her bpd behavior starts very quickly, increasing alot along the time.

once removed, thk you for your response.

You followed my case a few months before, when she broke up with me for 2 and a half months. You saw how i suffered and discovered later, when she came back to me, that her ex went to live with her, altough she said she didn't get involved with him (i always suspected that, and after the lattest lies, it's even harder to believe).

Our first 2 / 3 months were good. Then i started to work a lot, and we distanced. We had ocasional fights but much fewer than before.

One day she loves me. Another day, she engages with another guy, after 3y with me.

I was shocked with the "revelation", but even now, part of me still wants her to return. Nevertheless, i will not contact her in any way and i'll try to survive this phase.

It's now the 14th day since i discovered her relationship in Facebook and NC since then. It's been very hard to take her out of my head and she is basically the only thing that comes to my head. I'm obsessing. It's hard to me realize that she is living what seems to be a new idealization phase and has only the new guy on her head. This guy is where i was 3y ago. Knowing that the idealization phase is very ephemeral and hell on earth is upon them. As soon as she devalued me the first time (2 months later), she started speaking with other guys.

First days i couldn't eat nor sleep. Now i'm eating and sleeping a littler better. It's summer and i have a couple of shops near the beach. In this time of the year i work a lot. I just have time to work, almost nothing more. September, i will have more time and october even more. I have 4 months with working in the winter. End of September i will return to the gym, as i always do.

Lot's of work + not eating or spleeping = i lost a lot of weight. I was already a fit guy, but now i am too thin.

Very hard times to me now.

Once Removed, how was with you? Did you found that she had a relationship in social media?

[Pytagoras]

Is there any reported cases of bpd revenge acting out, picking other bf to hurt the previous?

Do you think this is the final discard?

[Pytagoras]

And last question:

Is there anything i can do to increase the probability that she return to me?

Or there is litteraly nothing i can do at this point?

[crushedagain]

I am sorry for what you have experienced. I understand how painful it is, having gone through it myself.

When she manages to destroy all conections in one place (boyfriends and friends), she moves to another. She has been always on the run. And someday she will leave here too.

This is my BPDexgf in a nutshell. When we started dating, she had very few possessions and could essentially pack everything up in her car and leave at the drop of a hat. She was relatively new to the area. I questioned her about some of this and was assured it was just because she was starting a new life after her divorce, and that she had left all of the material items with her ex-husband. She is a minimalist so a lot of it made sense.

She lived with me 2 years, but after she left me for the 2nd time, never to return, I put all the pieces together and assume she has done this to multiple men (and people) where she up and moves out of state to start a new life. The last time I saw her was when she was laying on top of me in my bed, kissing me, telling me she would be back. In hindsight, she knew she was leaving me, I just didn't know it. It was a despicably cowardly move on her part.

[Pytagoras]

crushedagain, thks for tour response.

Wow, that's amazing. That intimate moment, kissing you and already knew that would leave...

That must have been terrible.

Mine had a romantic dinner with me, and was already dating her actual bf (she assumed relationship few days later on Facebook).

I think in their minds, and after so many ruptures, they just don't believe anymore that things can work out, and it's just a question of time before they realize they're done with the relationship and move on.

I also think, and this is my own idea, that as time passes, they become more and more intolerant, so this tends to worsen. BPD Behavior starts to show up sooner. Also some of them (as my ex), droped the drugs, the alcohol and other escapes, so they tend to drop on their lovers (scapegoats), all their demons, because they don't have anymore escape where to put that dark energy.

In your case, she had few possessions. Mine is the oposite in that matter. She loves to acumulate stuff, mainly shoes and clothes. And she drags it all around when she moves to another area.

She is the waif type. She manages to manipulate all people around. It's incredible to watch lot's of people, including elderly women that wish to be her mothers, bringing her food and other presents. Some months later, the show continues, but with other characters (the previous got to realise that were being used). Same with friends, and as i know now, same with bfs.

It's a neverending cycle.

My ex was very atractive woman when she was younger. She appeared on the front page of magazines, she won beauty contests, she was a photo model, etc.

Now, with 34y, she is a shadow of her former image, because she consumed drugs for a long time. But even now, she is expert in make up, and she manages to dress up to the ocasion plus she's gotten better in tatics of seducing.

However, she doesn't have her former easiness seducing rich guys or whatever has she did before. And the trend is that it will be increasingly difficult.

Also, my ex- tends to recycle exes when she needs it, and bring them in her memory, so sometimes she comes back to former places, as she comes back to former bfs.

But her urge to fly away when feels that something is wrong is very big.

[Pytagoras]

Some reflections:

Looking back,

I think the main issue was me feeling ambiguous. Part of me loved her and wanted to be ok. Another part rejected her, at least her bad part. Is it normal to feel so ambiguous?
I think that ambiguity reflected on my behavior towards her. My ambiguity made me had some loving and caring moments, but also some harsh texting breaking up with her saying i couldn't trust her anymore. Next morning, I apologized  and said that was just an outburst, but That spark our break up anyway and two days later she was in a relationship with another guy ( of course it's absurd that another few days later and already in another relationship, she called me, asked me for money, kissed me, hugged me, etc. without me knowing of her present relationship ).

Nevertheless, i need to take care of this ambiguity. Not only in a possible recycle ( everybody says she is going to come back ), but also in a possible future relationship with another person. How can i do that?

How can i deal with this ambiguity?

Another question:

I would also like to ask you, what's the best i can do at the moment, to leave this on a positive stance? I mean, she is with another person now, but she didn't tell me anything about cutting contact with me. Of course, there's not much i can do now but to leave the situation in a positive stance and leave it be, i think. The last texting i sent her when i discovered she was in a relationship wasn't agressive but it had an acusatory tone. That was 17 days ago. And we are NC since then. What's the best i can do now? Just maintain NC? Or say something positive?

What do you think?

[hardrockcy]

Pythagoras, I was on off with my now exbpdgf for 8 years and this long is due to our son that she became pregnant 3 months after we started dating.  My advice: Go NC and never look back. You are dealing with a spoiled child and you will always will. Get your self an adult mature Woman, if you don't want to suffer for the rest of your life.  I see her patterns are much more worse than mines and despite that I couldn't handle them...being together 24/7 is like a rollercoaster.  She discarded me and thru the years did the same to all her girlfriends  for minor (for us normal people disagreements). Never accepted any blame...Being without me and without any girlfriends she found a divorced monkey with children and I see she is in love with him cause she pays attention to her. For him is a gift as he is ungly on his early 50's and she is 39.  I am disgusted by her behaviour.behavior