Where to go from here

[wbrady11]

A lot has changed since the last time I posted on here. A quick recap: I dated my ex girlfriend, a pwBPD, for nearly 4 years. It wasnt perfect but we tried until one day she broke up with me, two months before our anniversary. I was in the middle of planning my proposal and got a ring too.

We kept in touch off and on, and even hooked up once. I thought we were on the track to reconciling but she would pull away and date someone.

Now in December, she met someone and entered a relationship. She wanted to take it to the next level and he didnt. He broke up with her. A month later she found out she was pregnant with twins. He is the father.

A couple months later, she reaches out and tells me about it, what shes feeling and how she was scared, and she wouldn't male a good mom. I tried to calm her, telling her she would be and everything went well. She also was worried that the kids would not have a father figure in their lives. I admit I offered to be there for her because, even though I am not the father, I still love her and I would love the kids as if they were my own. We would talk about having a family when we were together. She got pregnant while we were dating but unfortunately, we lost the baby two months after conception.

In June, I received a message from her sister saying thay she was proud I was going to help her. I went with my ex to a baby class. We were joking around a lot and it really looked like we were down the road to being a family. She brought me to her mothers birthday party. She asked me to take two weeks off to help with the kids and to take her to appointments. She even asked if I wanted to be in the delivery room when it was time to give birth. I really felt like it was all coming together and

Then, beginning in august, she began to act distant. I do not know why. I would ask to come over to help out with cleaning, putting stuff together, etc and she would say she was good. I wouldn't hear from her for long stretches and I was always initiating stuff.

Yesterday, she found out they will endure her. I let my boss know and I got the time off. I let my ex know I'm good to go, and she said she doesnt need me anymore to be at the hospital and to feed the dog cats. She even went as far as saying not to visit her at the hospital.

I'm really feeling bummed. Her mom said the dad is still not in the picture and has not reached out at all. I dont know what to do. She is giving birth tomorrow and I feel helpless and watching something I wanted for years about to happen I'm on the outside looking in. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this or find a way to be there or work things out?

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[Mutt]

Hi wbrady11,



I’m sorry that this happened. I would find this tough. It sounds like she has an anxious attachment style, a lot of people do at least 30%, just know that it’s not about you it’s about her attachment style. Try not to take that personally.

You probably don’t want to hear this part and it’s not 100% certain it’s possible that the father of the kids reconciled? A r/s might have several break ups up or dozens before the big one and they actually break up.  Maybe she felt anxious and didn’t want to be alone and she wanted soothing.

It’s also possible that she’s anxious and it’s her first child and she just wants space but she did drop out of your life suddenly so you have to look at that pattern.

I don’t think that there’s anything that you can do at the moment the best thing to do is to give her space.

[Radcliff]

I agree with Mutt that the best thing is to give her some space.  Stay in touch enough that she knows you're there for her if she needs help, but don't press too hard.  Let her come to you if she needs something.

RC