How do you make it stop?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How do you make it stop? I'm just sick of the pettiness!
How petty you ask?
Yesterday was the oldest 6th birthday. We had unicorn birthday pancakes for breakfast, she wanted to take one to Mom- sure you can- packed one up, she took it over with her.
Today, I picked up the kids, and a left over pancake, one bite taken out, and packed back up and sent to us. The 6 year old said mom didn't like it... okay... why did you send it back? Why? Just throw it out!

This is my first post, sorry for the length/venting feel. I feel like we are beating our heads against a brick wall!
I want to know how to help these little girls not turn out like their mother...and grandmother... and great grandmother...(All of whom "don't have a problem")

No matter how much we try to reduce conflict, this women thrives on conflict. When there isn't conflict, just wait a few days and soon enough there will be something she's throwing a fit over. There is a 24 hour response required for custody related issues. She only sends messages when she doesn't have the kids so we read infuriating messages and then spend our time dealing with our attorneys, or the CPC. She does it every time we go on a trip, or vacation, again another control for her.

If it's not controlled by her, she seeks to control it. Either through the newly appointed "coparenting coordinator" or through the Attorneys. Thankfully, NV is a 50/50 custody state and we have a shot at combating BPD being passed down, raising two girls (6 & 4).
Currently, we have a Coparenting Coordinator appointed by the Judge. CPC hasn't responded to any of our emails, or concerns. However, she has been sure to address all of Hers that she's kept a nit picked list for the last 2 years, and blast us for what we have done wrong.
Never once did she ask for our side to the story, or why something had happened. The CPC has sent the messages to us but nothing calling her out on all the things that she's done wrong. We've owned the mistakes we've made and haven't kept a list of all the faults. We aren't perfect, we're just trying to do what's best for theses girls. As you probably have guessed, she portrays the "perfect mom".
This CPC has also accused us of not "meeting her in the middle"...
 Mind you, we've given up custody hours for her to participate in swim lesson we signed up for, during our time (as to not inconvenience her or schedule activities on her time). We've given her DAYS of custody because she failed to follow the decree when utilizing her vacation and now the CPC allowed her to deviate from the decree and just give her whatever she wants, allowing her to take 2 weeks of summer vacation which falls over our vacation that we have planned for at least 10 months. There are so many instances where we bend and bend and bend and continue to bend, but WE aren't the ones meeting HER in the middle! 
She didn't get what she wanted in court, so she ran to the CPC to now try to push her controlling agenda through the CPC. We believe the CPC is also BPD/NPD and sees things in the same distorted reality as my Fiancé's Ex.  This CPC has already taken her side and has fallen right into what everyone else has done. She's a master manipulator, She is a well educated and accomplished female in a predominantly male profession. She gives everyone a great first impression and that she has it all together.
She's the biggest VICTIM!
She says one thing, does another. Tells us, "do what you want on your custody time" and then has a problem when we do what we said we would do, such as signing the kids up for gymnastics, swim lessons, preschool.

We use OFW for communication. Which has been great, but when her agenda is to just confuse people and only portray one side of the story, additionally I believe our CPC isn't that great at finding the information via OFW. Whatever is "given" to her, she doesn't do any due diligence in researching the whole situation/conversation. Rather she would just send out an email blasting us for something that was taken out of context and chronological messaging sequence.

No matter how much we have tried to move towards parallel parenting, on our own, have it be activities on our own custody time or what not.  She now is suggesting parallel parenting to our coparent coordinator.

I honestly feel this women thinks WE are the narcissists! ... inserteyeroll

[Inserteyeroll]

How do you make it stop? I'm just sick of the pettiness!
How petty you ask?
Yesterday was the oldest 6th birthday. We had unicorn birthday pancakes for breakfast, she wanted to take one to Mom- sure you can- packed one up, she took it over with her.
Today, I picked up the kids, and a left over pancake, one bite taken out, and packed back up and sent to us. The 6 year old said mom didn't like it... okay... why did you send it back? Why? Just throw it out!

This is my first post, sorry for the length/venting feel. I feel like we are beating our heads against a brick wall!
I want to know how to help these little girls not turn out like their mother...and grandmother... and great grandmother...(All of whom "don't have a problem")

No matter how much we try to reduce conflict, this women thrives on conflict. When there isn't conflict, just wait a few days and soon enough there will be something she's throwing a fit over. There is a 24 hour response required for custody related issues. She only sends messages when she doesn't have the kids so we read infuriating messages and then spend our time dealing with our attorneys, or the CPC. She does it every time we go on a trip, or vacation, again another control for her.

If it's not controlled by her, she seeks to control it. Either through the newly appointed "coparenting coordinator" or through the Attorneys. Thankfully, NV is a 50/50 custody state and we have a shot at combating BPD being passed down, raising two girls (6 & 4).
Currently, we have a Coparenting Coordinator appointed by the Judge. CPC hasn't responded to any of our emails, or concerns. However, she has been sure to address all of Hers that she's kept a nit picked list for the last 2 years, and blast us for what we have done wrong.
Never once did she ask for our side to the story, or why something had happened. The CPC has sent the messages to us but nothing calling her out on all the things that she's done wrong. We've owned the mistakes we've made and haven't kept a list of all the faults. We aren't perfect, we're just trying to do what's best for theses girls. As you probably have guessed, she portrays the "perfect mom".
This CPC has also accused us of not "meeting her in the middle"...
 Mind you, we've given up custody hours for her to participate in swim lesson we signed up for, during our time (as to not inconvenience her or schedule activities on her time). We've given her DAYS of custody because she failed to follow the decree when utilizing her vacation and now the CPC allowed her to deviate from the decree and just give her whatever she wants, allowing her to take 2 weeks of summer vacation which falls over our vacation that we have planned for at least 10 months. There are so many instances where we bend and bend and bend and continue to bend, but WE aren't the ones meeting HER in the middle! 
She didn't get what she wanted in court, so she ran to the CPC to now try to push her controlling agenda through the CPC. We believe the CPC is also BPD/NPD and sees things in the same distorted reality as my Fiancé's Ex.  This CPC has already taken her side and has fallen right into what everyone else has done. She's a master manipulator, She is a well educated and accomplished female in a predominantly male profession. She gives everyone a great first impression and that she has it all together.
She's the biggest VICTIM!
She says one thing, does another. Tells us, "do what you want on your custody time" and then has a problem when we do what we said we would do, such as signing the kids up for gymnastics, swim lessons, preschool.

We use OFW for communication. Which has been great, but when her agenda is to just confuse people and only portray one side of the story, additionally I believe our CPC isn't that great at finding the information via OFW. Whatever is "given" to her, she doesn't do any due diligence in researching the whole situation/conversation. Rather she would just send out an email blasting us for something that was taken out of context and chronological messaging sequence.

No matter how much we have tried to move towards parallel parenting, on our own, have it be activities on our own custody time or what not.  She now is suggesting parallel parenting to our coparent coordinator.

I honestly feel this women thinks WE are the narcissists! ... inserteyeroll

[ForeverDad]

I want to know how to help these little girls not turn out like their mother...and grandmother... and great grandmother...(All of whom "don't have a problem")

I recall my son's GAL, Guardian ad Litem, telling me that "because of me my son will be okay".  Having even one stable parent in a child's life can make all the difference.  No guarantees, of course.  I can't fix all the issues that arise but he's soon starting his last year of high school and it's turned out fine.  He was 3 years old when we separated and the first 8 years were tough, she had entitlement up the wazoo.  The past 5 years, well, it's been almost like night and day.  She still hates me most, consistently, but I don't fret over her, like a barking toothless dog, nothing much to fear since we got an order that worked.

[Inserteyeroll]

I recall my son's GAL, Guardian ad Litem, telling me that "because of me my son will be okay".  Having even one stable parent in a child's life can make all the difference.  No guarantees, of course.  I can't fix all the issues that arise but he's soon starting his last year of high school and it's turned out fine.  He was 3 years old when we separated and the first 8 years were tough, she had entitlement up the wazoo.  The past 5 years, well, it's been almost like night and day.  She still hates me most, consistently, but I don't fret over her, like a barking toothless dog, nothing much to fear since we got an order that worked.

Thank you! I'm glad to hear this! The youngest was 2 when they separated. Was your GAL ordered by the court? Did you request one? Was it in your best interest to have one appointed?

[worriedStepmom]

Welcome to the joys of stepparenting when your H's coparent is ... difficult.  My SD was 4 when I met H.  She's 12 now.  He went from 50/50 to primary custody (60/40) last summer, and he's started court proceedings again.

How long have you and he been together?
What kind of custody schedule does your fiance have?  Is it week on/week off, or something else?

How long is he stuck with this CPC?  What kinds of things is his ex using the CPC for?  What kinds of things is your H asking the CPC to address?

[PeteWitsend]

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

If your spouse seems to have the parenting coordinator's ear, you need to (politely) up your game.  document all the things your XW has or hasn't done.

Try to keep the ball in your XW's court so she has the work to do.  you want the parenting coordinator to start to get frustrated with your XW for not doing her part, not you.

Basically... Flip the script. ... it's more work in the short term, but it pays off.

In my experience, pwBPD, aren't great at doing hard work themselves, or being consistent with the facts. 

If the parenting coordinator is just consistently being unreasonable, maybe you need to start documenting that, and get a new one appointed?

[Panda39]

Hi inserteyeroll (love the name    can totally relate)

I'm also a stepmom, my Partner's daughters were 10 and 14 when we met and are now young ladies of 18 and 22.  I hear your frustration, I arrived here one angry Panda so I get you.

We also had a child custody evaluator that sided with mom, told mom after the divorce was final and my partner was awarded majority custody to go back to court in 6 mos to get more custody back.  She told this to the mom who didn't drive, didn't have a job, that had been evicted, and my partner proved was neglectful!  The good news was once the divorce was final she was out of the picture.  I think what the elevator saw was the enmeshment that can happen with a BPD parent and their children.  How long have you been working with the CPC because it can take some time for outsiders/new people to recognize something is off.  Typically the worst BPD behaviors are revealed to those closest to the person with BPD.  So it may just take some time for the CPC to catch on.

Parallel parenting is what we ultimately ended up doing it was the only way to actually get some things accomplished and unfortunately for the kids it also kept some things from getting accomplished, but having a BPD co-parent all we could do was the best we could. Getting somethings accomplished was better than the nothing that was getting accomplished trying to co-parent.

I arrived here very angry and frustrated with everyone, the ex, my partner, his kids all of them! 

One of the first and most helpful things one of the veteran members told me was to focus on the kids and not their mother.  Very good advice.  I was very wrapped up in mom and what she was doing...I was trying to control and to protect.  The second helpful thing I learned here is we only truly control ourselves we cannot make anyone else, think, do, believe, act or behave if they don't want to. I had to let go of trying to control of the things I couldn't control.

Was the above easy? No freakin way!  Especially when my partner's uBPDxw constantly stirred the pot.  But it did happen over time.  I did start focusing on the kids more, I discovered BPD (which I didn't know about until about 1 year into the relationship), I learned about BPD by reading a lot (this turned the chaos to something that made sense), once I made sense of BPD and what it was I began to see patterns in mom's behaviors (now years later not only do I see the patterns but the same patterns are repeated over and over...she is stuck in a feedback loop...never learning, growing, progressing).  Now instead of anger I can honestly say I feel pity for her, not enough to let my guard down but as one human to another.

I knew I reached a turning point when uBPDxw went out of state to take their older daughter to college and took the younger daughter too.  We got a call that she and younger daughter missed their plane due to traffic...ummmm that would be a Sunday in Vermont, I'm sure it was just gridlock    The old me would have totally freaked out, OMG is she kidnapping the younger daughter, the younger daughter was going to miss school, this was cutting into dad's time with his daughter!  Instead of getting on the freakout train (because in reality nothing horrible had happened just a missed flight) my Partner did not feed the drama he just asked her to email her new itinerary once she had it figured out. Then we went back to eating lunch.  If I focused on the kids...the younger daughter was fine, we knew what happened, we knew she would be back, we later learned when, yes she missed a day of school but she could catch up.  And I let go of something that I couldn't control.

I'm really glad you've found us and decided to jump in.  There are alot of step-parents here (we are in a unique position) each of us with our own experiences to share, there are tools, information and support.  It's always nice to add a new voice to the group.

Again Welcome 
Panda39

[GaGrl]

Having CPC can be very helpful, once he/she "gets" what is going on with the PD parent. If that's not happening, you may need to petition for a change, after a respectful time.

Documentation is critical. When you say you haven't been documenting the mom's behaviors, why is that so? Are you attempting to handle her requests and demands outside the CPC, only to find it escalates anyway?

You may have to start following the court order to the letter -- NO DEVIATION -- and let everything the mom wants to change go through the CPC. You can notify them that this is what you intend to do, because requests/demands have become too frequent and disruptive to the schedule, OR...you can just start following the court order and let this play out. Make the CPS do her job. See how long it takes for her to "get it." Document all requests/ demands, and what the CPC decision was -- you may be able to go back and do this now in case you need to make a CPC change, since you might need to show a documented pattern of favoritism for the mom.

[livednlearned]

Today, I picked up the kids, and a left over pancake, one bite taken out, and packed back up and sent to us. The 6 year old said mom didn't like it...

How did you respond?

The best way to combat pathologic parenting is to model for the kids something more skillful and powerful, and true.

If they see that mom *got you* then they know this thing that mom does is powerful.

Is the CPC court-ordered? If she's ineffective, dump her. In my state, coparenting counselors are part of the forensic system and expect to be subpoenaed and testify in court.

What are her credentials? Do you know where she trained?