An interesting day.

[Longterm]

Hi all.

Not really looking for advice as I know I'm very limited on what I can do, but just wanted to write something.

So my daughter had her appointment this morning at the local mental health hospital to have an assessment following recent problems since her mom left (again). I spoke with her yesterday after work for a good hour or so and she seemed very upbeat and ready for it. She has been struggling again the past few weeks, I think she has been to her training course once and has barely been home. I knocked on her door and noticed she had been crying so i couldnt leave her and wanted to know what was up. We had a good chinwag and her and her bf have split up again, it appears she has been playing him and another lad off on each other. I tried to explain to her that it's not appropriate behaviour and that it may be a better idea to stay single but she is struggling to be alone right now. I think she is incredibly frustrated by the fact that she was at one point, fine on her own. Anywho, she was looking forward to today so I was happy about that as i was worried she may back down or purposely not be home when it was time to leave.

She had wrote the Dr a letter detailing her feelings and the things she is struggling with. I'm quite proud of her here because i did not suggest she do that, she took it upon herself to do it. He asked so many questions, a lot more than i expected and i was fairly shocked at some of her replies. She is doing drugs daily at present and has in the past few weeks took ketamine and also MDMA. She also self harmed around 2mths ago. How did I miss this? To my knowledge she had not self harmed in over a year or done heavier drugs. I am a bit shocked to be honest but I would rather have that information than not. I feel like I'm maybe not giving her enough of my time, maybe this is a problem. I'm not trying to make up excuses but I have got an enormous amount to deal with at the moment, not to mention I work over 50hrs a week. The Dr suggested she get off the drugs and gave her some information for local addiction programs, I already know about these and have been trying to encourage her for almost 2yrs. She said her emotions overwhelm her and that's why she has been cutting. The dr said she needs help because she cannot regulate her emotions and gave us some information. He wants her to start talking therapies within the next few weeks and also wants her to book counselling, this has been booked a while and we are just waiting right now.

She wasnt upbeat anymore once this appointment was over. She had tears in her eyes but was claiming to be ok. I told her that it's ok and I will help her help herself. She didnt want to come home with me, she said she was going to her training course. Shes not going to her training course, shes going to get off her face.

LT.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi LT
It must be frustrating to know your daughter is using heavy drugs and self harming. You are right that you can't change that though. She is an adult making her own choices. Why do you think she changed after the appointment? Did something happen that triggered her?

[wendydarling]

Hi Longterm

What a brave step your DD's taken, proud Dad indeedie! She'd given it a lot of thought and prepared by writing her feelings, struggles as she knew she'd likely get overwhelmed. It must have helped her immensely and the Dr too, get on the same page    

I too prefer to know, boy what a shock for you. We do miss things LT even when right under our noses. Be gentle with yourself, we can't possibly know everything and I'm guessing your DD did not want you to know how far she was slipping, nor acknowledge it to herself. Today she was open, honest and truthful to herself and everyone in the room.  

You sure have a lot on your plate LT and I'm glad to hear you acknowledging just that!

WDx
PS
The Drug and Alcohol Counselling appointment came through pretty quickly for my DD if I recall.

[Longterm]

Hi FHL.

It must be frustrating to know your daughter is using heavy drugs and self harming. You are right that you can't change that though. She is an adult making her own choices. Why do you think she changed after the appointment? Did something happen that triggered her? 

It is frustrating yes. I spoke to her when her behaviour took a downward spiral (when he mom disappeared (again), this was the point where we spoke to the crisis team and I specifically asked her if she had been self harming, she said no and had not for over a year. I told her I knew she had because one day I had come home and there was blood on her bed sheets, she flat out denied this I found myself questioning my memories. I've been thinking about this all day, has she been cutting the whole time but keeping it from me?. When she was in a better place, was she really? Or did she just give me that impression?

Honestly Faith, the Dr said and asked that much, it could of been many reasons. He was actually asking what triggers her behaviour and what she does to try and cope with her emotions, she said she cannot cope and this is why drugs/cutting happen. She said it helps calm her down. I really did not say a lot the whole time (should I have?) But listening to her say these things was horrible, her suffering must be extremely intense and suffocating to have to inflict physical pain on herself. She wouldn't look at me, i think she was ashamed and i hate that she felt that way. When she returns I'm going to talk to her and tell her that she doesnt need to feel ashamed. When we left she saw a lad that she knows and that could of triggered her because she said "it must be bad to be at a hospital that he goes to, hes proper ***** up". I told her hes not ***** up and neither is she, they are just having problems and that's ok. This was when I saw the tears in her eyes.

Hi Wendydarling.

What a brave step your DD's taken, proud Dad indeedie! She'd given it a lot of thought and prepared by writing her feelings, struggles as she knew she'd likely get overwhelmed. It must have helped her immensely and the Dr too, get on the same page   

Yes, I think that's what it was. She does struggle to communicate and immediately reached for her notebook. He was very interested in what she wrote (I dont know what she wrote) and asked if he could photocopy it to pass it on to whoever needed to see it.

Today she was open, honest and truthful to herself and everyone in the room.   
 

That is the biggest thing I take from today. She could of just lied, she could of not gone, but she went and she was open and I am very happy about this. She is open to the therapies too which is a very good sign.

I do know that there is very little I can do, I pop on here all the time and read all your posts and i struggle to comment most of the time, it's just incredibly difficult to know what to say when i know myself that they will do what they want regardless of the consequences. You are all very good, loving moms and I wish my kids had that.

LT.

[PeaceMom]

LT
Your love for your kids shines thru with each post you make. Your kids are fortunate to have you in their corner. I, too, read here daily, but find it difficult to post. Words on paper trigger deep emotional pain for many of us. I wish I knew more about the “light as a fairy approach”. Maybe it’s nearly impossible deep thinkers like me. I overly empathize with my struggling kids to the point that it physically pains me to watch their inability to be independent in the world. I wonder if there is a cure for one who has TOO much empathy. ?
Keep loving your kids. It’s powerful!

[Longterm]

Hi peacemom.

Thank you for your kind words. I was actually talking about empathy and codependency on another thread last night and some times when I have shown shown empathy to the extreme. I think empathy is a good thing though and reminds us that we care for others.

LT.

[Normlee]

I can't help but hurt for our children. What an amazing loving parent you are. My son's Dad an ubpd/npd is more like a child instead of a Dad they need. What's true is - but for the grace of God there go I.
I see so much courage and love in all these posts. I'm new here and before joining you all I felt all alone. I also felt that I couldn't do this. This being keep my heart open and be there through whatever comes for my DS38.
I believe with others like you who do the best we can and also learn to accept what we can not do for our children, that we can learn how to love them well and how to take care of ourselves.

[PeaceMom]

Normlee,
Keep reading here and you will see how similar our stories and experiences are. It’s uncanny. Keep posting when you feel like it. There is deep healing that comes from putting our distressing thoughts here on paper.
Peacemom

[Longterm]

  Normlee.

  I'm new here and before joining you all I felt all alone. I also felt that I couldn't do this

I did too, I did not know what was happening or what hit me, that others had experienced the same was very comforting for me and still is. You are not alone, and you can do this.

There is deep healing that comes from putting our distressing thoughts here on paper.  

Much truth in this Peacemom.

LT.