When do I get to throw a tantrum?

[Still Here]

You know all of us, bpd or otherwise, are exposed to normal everyday stressors that have nothing to do with our bpd partners. I find that by virtue of the fact that my W is bpd, I am denied my right to be in a bad mood or (god forbid) to even get a little irrationally angry at just the world in general. I just wish I could have a bad day, be on edge, be a grouch, and not have it end up being all about her when she inevitably freaks out because I’m not having my best day. When do I get to throw a fit?  When do I get to throw a tantrum?

[PeteWitsend]

Amen to that!

I learned over the years to keep bad moods to myself as much as possible, because it would just provoke hostility from my BPDxw.  Or if I was unhappy with a situation in our lives, same thing.

I imagined in her mind the thought process went: "I am hearing he is unhappy.  If he is unhappy, I imagine he may leave me or cheat.  This makes me angry.  Therefore I will angrily convince him he is happy  and if he's not happy, he is wrong and bad.

I also noticed I'd get very little sympathy if I was sick; for the first day or so she'd tolerate me laying in bed, and bring me tea or soup, but after that it was questions about why I wasn't better yet, and accusations I was making it sound worse than it was, etc.  I can only imagine what she would be like if I actually had a serious illness or disease... yikes.

[formflier]

I ran into the same issue today.

There has been a long running insurance claim issue on one of my properties that is all kinda tangled up..and has been for a while.

The details don't really matter..it's just preposterous and emotionally draining.

So...I placed a call to my wife.  Bad on me that I was looking for support and just a friendly person to talk to.  She wanted to problem solve...then she started preaching about how God means this for good.

I quickly exited the phone call...she sent some somewhat sympathetic texts a bit later.

I sometimes think it would be easier if my wife was lower functioning or literally "never' was supportive.  She has gotten better...but it's very inconsistent...so you can't "count" on it.  Which means calling when you actually could use support isn't a good idea.

So...does that really help?

Sigh.

Best,

FF

[Still Here]

PW

Yeah. That makes sense to me. I feel like my bpdW’s thought process is “flipping out is my thing, what’s he doing trying to do my thing. There ain’t room in this town for two of us to go nuts so you can’t ever, just in case I want to”. Don’t know if that makes sense.

FF:

Agreed. I also feel sometimes that is would be easier if she was just consistently nuts all the time. I hate the whiplash. I hate the Lucy with the football trick where I think she’ll be able to be there for me when I’m melting down.

I desperately want the right to loose my cool for my own reasons, having to do with my own frustrations, from my own life. I may not have BPD, but I should have the same right to get frustrated and overreact like everyone else.

I guess that’s what I’m doing here. Thanks for the responses.

[Notwendy]

The way I see it is that someone in victim perspective isn't able to be supportive.

A pwBPD has difficulty managing their own emotions, so when faced with someone else's negative emotions, it isn't something they can manage.

I think it's important to find a way to get these needs met, such as counseling, support group, a good friend, a sibling. I would be careful to not triangulate and sensitive information should be shared with a professional for confidentiality, but for those grumpy days, or annoying things - may be better to talk to someone else.