How has my UBPD mom affected me?

[Tsultan]

I have been thinking about this since my sister told me my mom most likely had BPD and how it has affected me.

I worry a little that I might have some traits.  I know I get emotional sometimes too.  I know I get irritated easy sometimes with stuff.  I also laugh more now though harder and stronger - thanks to processing pain through recovery.  I have more joy too.   Anxiety has sometimes been an issue lately but I don't know if that's b/c I need to pass an exam to keep my position and that is a very unsettling feeling.  Plus, recovering from a r/s with an UBPDbf which has been much better lately even though I still see him on the trail once in awhile.

I have shame from my mother's behavior growing up in my household.   I know it's not my shame but I think I was so enmeshed with her growing up that it is sometimes hard not to separate the two.  I am trying though.  I am talking about it.  Here and other safe places.  Shame takes on a different form when I talk about it.  It has less power over me.  So I'm going to keep talking until it goes away. 

Tsultan aka BG

[Turkish]

I think a lot of us worry about this, as do I. I've gotten better, but I have been known to shut down and even engage in the silent treatment.  Learned survival behaviors, though frustrating, aren't the same as diagnostic criteria, however. For BPD these are specific:

Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Do these fit the bill, or are you struggling with feelings which are understandable having grown up in a home with BPD?

Even if so,  you grew up with BPD. 

[Tsultan]

Thanks for responding Turkish, I appreciate the Diagnostic Criteria.

I think it's more like you say, learned survival behaviors.  I'm fresh out of becoming aware of this so I'm a bit spooked by it.

I struggled with identity for awhile when I was younger but that feels more like I actually never had one until recovery (Al-anon) b/c I was focused on making my mother happy and even healthy growing up.  That was a losing battle as you can imagine.  When I went to the Al-anon meetings for the first time someone told me it's not my job to make my mom happy.  That felt like a 1,000 lb gorilla off my back.  I was in my early 20's. 

I used to be angry before recovery but that was b/c that was the only emotion that was modeled for me.  Through recovery, I learned that anger could be used in a positive way.  For me, when I was angry it meant I wasn't getting a need met or I was feeling hurt.  Anger was a secondary emotion.  Today, I try to ask for what I need in a loving way.  If I feel hurt I do my best to express it in a calm way if I think the person will be receptive.  I don't take things as personal anymore b/c I do have a stronger sense of self.

Yes, no doubt I grew up in a BPD home and it's no wonder my father drank. 

I just have so much shame around my mom's behavior I wish I could get rid of it.

It's like she is part of me.  I happen to look a lot like my mom so every day when I look in the mirror I see my mom.  It's not a positive emotion.  It's the shame I feel b/c I look like her. 

Can I just say this... My mom was embarrassing to have as a mom.  She would act one way in the home, usually miserable but in public put on this happy smiling face.  Then call others phony. 

She would take advantage of people and situations which I really think is pretty not so upstanding behavior.  I really didn't like that about her.  Some people caught on and stopped that from happening.   For example;  I had a boyfriend who owned more that a few cars.  He let my mom drive one of them all summer long.  And she did.  You see, if I was the mom and one of my daughters boyfriends offered me a car I wouldn't take it.  It would feel right to me.  I think his parents put a stop to that.

Her lack of knowledge yet she talked as if she knew everything. 

She seemed to have a lack of morals and values.  She swore like a trooper.  She made up words that would make a sailor blush.  Come on have some respect for your kids.
She slept with my uncle on the family room couch while my father was upstairs in bed sleeping.  I walked in on them.  I was 16 years old.  Gross.  I would not think of doing that to my daughter or son.   

She sought attention.  At weddings she would act out so the attention was on her.  At my sisters wedding we had to bail her out of jail b/c she got a DWI.  I refused to go get her.  My sister bailed her out.  At my wedding she got drunk and started to walk away in the night somewhere expecting me to go rescue her and I didn't.  My maid of honor, a childhood friend tried to get me to come with her and rescue my mom but I said no I wasn't going.  It's my day and I am not going to let her ruin it.  (I had two years of recovery under my belt) Thank God.

I probably have written about the time she got drunk every night while taking on the role of a chaperone for a junior organization I was a part of.  The other chaperones asked her to leave.  So we left early and had to drive home from Kentucky to New York. I missed out on the rest of the horse show.  Plus super embarrassed.  But at the time it was my normal. 

So, these are some of the things that make me feel so very ashamed of where I came from.  Any thoughts on how to shake that would be appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Tsultan

[Harri]

Hi Tsultan.

I think you said already that the best way to get rid of shame is to talk about it, get it out in the light, share it with trusted people in safe places.

Thank you for sharing it here. 

I think maybe the next step might be to catch the way you think and talk about these shameful events.  You said you know the shame is not yours, yet it persists so challenge it, challenge your thoughts.  Nothing is going to change about this if you don't do something different right?

So let's take one of the incidents you wrote about above and see if we can change the narrative you have about it.  We need to re-write our stories, how we talk about these events and the words we use for us to be able to change our emotions.

 

[Tsultan]

Great idea Harri, How about this...

My mom was so desperate for love b/c she did not get it when she was a little girl she would put on a front in public so others would approve of her and she would get the acceptance of others and feel loved.

She was in so much pain that she drank a lot to numb out the pain so she wouldn't have to feel anymore.  She knew no other way.

My mother came from a home of deprivation and b/c of that space she was in she would often take advantage of others to fill that void.  She was never taught that she already had so much to be grateful for if she focused on what she had instead of she didn't have.

My mother felt less than, most likely b/c her father called her stupid and made her feel like she wasn't smart.  She didn't realize that inside her she was very resourceful and could take nothing a make something out of it.  (She was incredibly resourceful woman)  Maybe she wasn't book smart but she was smart in other ways.

My mother didn't get the right and proper attention she needed when she was little so she would seek attention as an adult to fill that empty space.  She just needed a hug.

My mother lacked morals and values.  This was not taught to her in home growing up.  She was so loved depraved and desperate for love she made poor choices.

This is a better way to look at this Harri. Thank you for challenging me to think about this. 

[Turkish]

Iago (in Othello) said, “Poor and content is rich, and rich enough.”

Iago must not have had children...

I used to think about my ex like this, that her parents failed to teach her right from wrong.  Maybe it was some of that, or maybe they were too busy surviving to properly deal with a BPD-ish daughter.