best way to address his issues without coming off as having an attitude or being sarcastic

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of the discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338023.msg13066088#msg13066088


I don't know what to do.  I am trying to hard to stay civil for the kids.  I want to work on fixing things to less impact the boys, but everytime I see him, he begs for me to give him another chance, to talk to him.  I know he wants to talk about fixing the marriage and I just want to scream at him that I don't love him anymore.  I want to tell him broke this family and now he has to suffer.  I can't and I won't.

Where do I even begin?  It's going to take like two weeks to even get the divorce process started.  I have to get something set up before then with visitation.  I am trying to emphasize with him and understand he had the rug pulled from underneath him.

He wants to know who's watching S3 and upset I am still hiding.  He said he's upset I am threatening to keep S3 away because he wants to talk.  Blaming me said I have done it twice and it was only once.  But I'm not going to argue.

What it the best way to address his issues without coming off as having an attitude or being sarcastic?  He won't give up "his wife" so easy, which is making it hard to even talk about the kids.  It's always about us.

[Frankee]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of the discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338023.msg13066088#msg13066088


I don't know what to do.  I am trying to hard to stay civil for the kids.  I want to work on fixing things to less impact the boys, but everytime I see him, he begs for me to give him another chance, to talk to him.  I know he wants to talk about fixing the marriage and I just want to scream at him that I don't love him anymore.  I want to tell him broke this family and now he has to suffer.  I can't and I won't.

Where do I even begin?  It's going to take like two weeks to even get the divorce process started.  I have to get something set up before then with visitation.  I am trying to emphasize with him and understand he had the rug pulled from underneath him.

He wants to know who's watching S3 and upset I am still hiding.  He said he's upset I am threatening to keep S3 away because he wants to talk.  Blaming me said I have done it twice and it was only once.  But I'm not going to argue.

What it the best way to address his issues without coming off as having an attitude or being sarcastic?  He won't give up "his wife" so easy, which is making it hard to even talk about the kids.  It's always about us.

[I Am Redeemed]

Is there any way you can arrange pickup/dropoff for S3 so you don't have to actually see him face to face? Or is it possible to arrange for a third party to accompany you so it's not just you and him?

I feel for you, Frankee, that's exactly what my ex did, using every opportunity to try to talk about "us"- he also questioned me about who was keeping s3, why would I not tell him where I was staying, etc.

The pressure was so intense. I understand how it feels to just want to scream at him when he isn't getting the message. I also understand the flipside of trying to feel empathy for him. It's tough.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this at the shelter? an advocate, your counselor? that might have some suggestions for safe ways to offer visitation with s3 that don't subject you to constant pressure to talk about the relationship?

[Skip]

I am trying to emphasize with him and understand he had the rug pulled from underneath him.

I want to tell him broke this family and now he has to suffer. 

And this is what he sees and feels. You pulled the rug, and you feel he deserves to suffer. When we want to scream to someone that we don't don't them, it vengeance. Think about it.

He's wounded. He's not attacking you. He's begging for mercy.  And when you two were in this situation before, you two got back together. You have to give him some slack... he doesn't know if its over or if he's not trying hard enough.

That said, know that if you stay respectful and resolute, this will resolve in time as he grieves. Remember, you had months to resolve all this in your head, he is only dealing with it for 2+ weeks.

I thought "daycare" was going to be the buffer. You drop S3 off in the morning, he picks S3 up at night.

[JNChell]

Hi, Frankee. I’ve followed your story for quite some time. Since you were on Conflicted.

I share a 4 year old boy with my ex. It took some time, but I eventually realized that engaging her with anything, and I mean anything emotional, logical, etc. is pointless. As Skip said, detach. Give yourself space for that. Nothing needs to be said unless it’s about your son.

It seems like you’re still emotionally there with him. I get it. I was there for way too long with S4’s mom. I’ll be blunt here. He’s not going to change and he will never give you closure.

Focus on you, your healing and start anew. 

[Frankee]

I got this tasteful email from him

I'm trying not too. I've been showing you I'm trying not too. And I'm not freaking out. I'm not going to curse at you or blame you. I've made major improvements in regard to controlling my anger. But it's obvious you hate me. You cant look at me, touch me, talk to me, and your literally hiding from me. And on top of it all, I cant even get you to start a dialogue. I have no answers and no chance apparently. I get it. I'm so horrible hurting our family and our children is the better option.

I have been wading through this mess very wisely.  FOG has been flung like monkeys throwing poop.  What frustrates me is his thoughts are everywhere.  I am trying to maintain focus on the real issues.  I told him I'm not coming back, but I guess I worded it in a way it was iffy.

I read messages like this and this is exactly why I can't be with him anymore.  I don't want him near me, I don't want him touching me, I don't want to give him any shred of hope to hold on to.  I don't hate him, I just don't love him.

Refocusing.  Respectful.  How do I respect his crazy accusations and respond to this?  I even tried taking a girlfriend with me last time I dropped off S3, but he still attempted to talk to me.  I am maintain communication through text/email where he can't use anything against me and it is frustrating.

[Cat Familiar]

It won't always be like this. As Skip said, you've had a lot of time to process this, while it's really new for him. He will keep trying and trying to get you back. After all, it worked before--intermittent reinforcement and all that...

At some point, he will move on. I know it's icky and uncomfortable, but this will pass. When it does, you'll be glad in retrospect that you've behaved kindly and civilly--as you've got years of co-parenting ahead of you.

[Frankee]

I was getting ready for work and my mind started going.  All of a sudden, I found myself thinking of him.  Without even realizing it, I started wondering if I should just go back.  Thinking maybe things will be better.  He has shown me that he can try harder.  Thinking it would be too hard to start over again, trying to date and find someone new.

I hope this is a fleeting feeling, because it makes me second guess everything I have done so far. 

I think words of encouragement and a reality slap would help right now.

[GaGrl]

Since you recognize this is a fleeting feeling, why not use some omagery? What do you associate with "fleeting?" Something that you can attach to that thought that takes or lifts it away?

Have a little fun with this. It's better than a smack.

[Baglady]

Hi Frankee 

I've been cheering you on from afar for a while.  Your journey through adversity has been inspiring to me.

You write that it would be too hard to start over again but you have already done so - you have started a new life and have demonstrated a lot of grit, resiliency and personal strength while doing so.  It seems to me that the hardest part of starting over (the leaving) is behind you?

"I hope this is a fleeting feeling, because it makes me second guess everything I have done so far" - but all thoughts are fleeting and you control them - they don't control you (unless you suffer from BPD  that is!).  We all second guess our choices in life but I don't think anyone should second guess taking care of themselves when they have suffered abuse at the hand of another?

I get the whole idea that dating and trying to find someone new is daunting at this time.  However, I don't think this is on your plate today and likely given what you are dealing with shouldn't be until you allow some time for healing?  Try to focus on today and deal with this idea when it is more of an actual reality for you.  It's daunting to think of the future arch of your entire life in one moment in time on a given day when maybe you are feeling low and vulnerable.  It's also pointless because we none of us can portent the future.  I write these words as much for myself as for you 

Hang in there - you got this 

Warmly,
B

[Cat Familiar]

You might want to revisit these thoughts in a month or two. If he keeps being on a good track during the next several weeks, you will know that he might be willing to put in the effort to change.

And what’s the rush about finding a new relationship? Are you looking for a rescuer?

[Skip]

. I have no answers and no chance apparently. I get it. I'm so horrible hurting our family and our children is the better option...

It’s sounds like he got your message. I understand that your first instinct is to want to scream it louder, but that will make matters worse.  .

He has heard you. He simply doesn’t agree. He is entitled to his feelings here.  You don’t need to change them.  Wanting to do so is a sign of connection.

Let go.

The best thing to do would be to validate him. “I know that you are doing everything you can to respect my space, I know that Iits hard, and I thank you for that.”

Letting go is a step by step process for both of you. I foot at a time.

[Frankee]

I've been cheering you on from afar for a while.  Your journey through adversity has been inspiring to me.

Try to focus on today and deal with this idea when it is more of an actual reality for you. 

Hang in there - you got this 

Thank you for the wonderful words.  I know I have been quiet on the boards, but I have found that I have been keeping so busy.  I have realigned my priorities and feeling much better now about my choice.

And what’s the rush about finding a new relationship? Are you looking for a rescuer?

I no longer the desire to find somebody else.  As a matter, I have found my worth and discovered new things about myself recently.

The best thing to do would be to validate him. “I know that you are doing everything you can to respect my space, I know that Iits hard, and I thank you for that.”

Letting go is a step by step process for both of you. I foot at a time.

I feel this had helped me find peace.  Accepting that he will feel how he wants and I can't change that.  I just have to keep on my path.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so glad you're doing well, Frankee.   I look forward to hearing more updates.