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Author Topic: Lost... again  (Read 318 times)
capn zed

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« on: August 08, 2019, 02:55:59 AM »

  Its been years since I originally posted my situation on this forum. (see "lost" by capn zed) and I am ashamed to admit I went back to her.
  The shame comes from knowing that I had the chance to get out and I chose to run back into the burning building to save my marriage and our daughter.
  I went back in august of 2017 after a violent breakup. She said she had made a terrible mistake and that violence was not a viable expression of anger. She made many promises. I made a few myself, attempting to take some of the pain from that experience from her to lighten her burden. I did that a lot. I found myself giving more and more of myself up in order to make her believe that she was worth love, worth devotion, worth the effort in every way.
  I am a stubborn old fool who has always believed that marriage is forever and that no cost was too great to preserve it. I wanted her to become something she just couldnt be, I wanted to make her whole again.
  I finally got out of bed and ate something a couple days ago. Ive been trying to do things to get my mind off of the devastation and pain. Nothing seems to be able to distract me from the thoughts of my own failures, of the betrayal, the lies that have been going on for years that I was too stupid to see. I have been tearing myself to shreds over this. How in the hell did I allow this? What was I thinking when I decided to volunteer for this again and again? What is wrong with me?
 i need help. That much is clear. I know I cannot go back but that little voice in my head keeps whispering "she will come back" and it terrifies me. I have, for the first time in my life, become terrified of love. I gave her unconditional love so extreme that I let it cut right through my values, my beliefs, my sense of what is right and wrong like a hot knife through butter.
  All in the name of love for her. I wouldve kept going too, until I was dead if she had only stayed. Thats all I ever asked of her in return for the hell she put me through, and the hell she put our daughter through.
  The last time we did this dance our daughter sat her mother down (she was only 11 at the time) and told her very clearly " If you leave dad again I am staying with him, you can leave but Im not going with you"
  Here we are, 2 years later. Her mother and I had a wonderful year and a half (so I thought) full of compromise, laughter, happiness and love. About 6 months ago something changed. I cant tell you what that change was other than to say her behavior towards me changed. She became demanding, angry, emotionally unhinged. I remember the moment well. She turned to me and I saw her face change right in front of my eyes, as if taken over by some other entity and from that moment on, she became Mr Hyde. She spent the next 6 months running me into the ground and convincing our daughter that she could never be happy with me. It took her the full 6 months to convince our daughter of this and on the very day our daughter said she couldnt see her suffer like that anymore and agreed to leave with her, she left. I found out the same day that she had been sleeping with a drug addict in another town a few miles away for over a month prior to this.
  I have been through so much with her over the last 6 years. She has left me 6 times in that period, and slept with as many men, that I am aware of. She has put me in the hospital with her violence, she has destroyed our daughter emotionally. She has committed so many acts of emotional terrorism. I have been through so much with her that I have lost my own identity, my own self worth, my own self respect, and my confidence in myself and the world around me. If I was the type of person who was capable of suicide I wouldnt be here right now typing all this. I have to find a way to live with all this. I have to find myself again and I have no idea where to begin. The only thing I know for sure is that I cannot go back to her. This has to end, one way or the other. Its going to kill me.
  I have received threats from her, including threats of breaking in to the house, burning it down with me in it, with having others attempt violence on me. She has driven by my house multiple times, why I have no idea since this is what she wanted, not me. She is constantly messaging me (I have her blocked now) and convincing others to relay messages to me with hateful venom and threats. I have initiated the restraining order process but that is only a piece of paper, it wont actually stop her from doing anything if she decides to act on these threats. I have alerted the local deputies to her threats. I have done everything I can to avoid any further confrontation with her.
  So now I spend every day swimming in emotional poison, I am full of resentment and confusion, I sleep with a gun. I havent slept with my sidearm since I was in the service overseas. I am afraid and at the same time I still.... love her. What the hell happened to me? I feel like i have been turned into an abused puppy. I have lost my spine, my fight. I dont know how to feel and I cant stop the thoughts of the last 6 years, most of which I simply dont understand at all.
  I think what I am doing here is reaching out to a group of people who share my experiences in relationships with someone with bpd. I need help, direction, I need something to help guide me on the road to recovery, if that is even possible after the amount of damage thats been done over the years. I dont want to carry all this into another relationship someday. I dont want to go back to her in another moment of weakness. I dont want to repeat these same mistakes. I am so lost. I need to find a way to stand up again, as a whole person. I need to learn to stand alone.
  Please help me?
  
Original post on BPDFamily  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312050.0
« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 03:08:42 AM by capn zed » Logged
Pytagoras
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« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2019, 07:17:09 AM »

Hello capnzed,

I'm sorry that you have been in this situation for so much time.

I've been with my exBPDgf for 3 years and now she suddenly left me and replaced me for another guy. I discovered her relationship in Facebook, when she was still with me. That was 18 days ago. And even so, part of me wants to be with her. So i understand perfectly why you go back to your BPD one and another time. It's really hard to move on.

You have been there for so much, that you barely remember your inner light, your inner beauty. You are a very strong man. You have endured so much. You just need to rise up again.

There's no evil that goes forever. You'll have to rise up someday. And the time is now. You can't delayed any further.

Your daughter will receive much more if you are stronger. Do it for you. And if you want to do something for your daughter, be strong for her. That's the best present you can give her, and if you do it, you will help her to be a better person in the future. She doesn't need a abusive relationship between her parents. She needs to see that her parents are happy and strong. And ir her mother can't, at least you, as her father, must have to be strong. Don't give up now. This is your time. Day after day, you will rebuild yourself up again, brick by brick, and in the end, you'll be rewarded. Things will improve as time passes.

I hope you find your way.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 07:25:08 AM by Pytagoras » Logged
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« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2019, 10:21:20 AM »

Hey cap'n,

Sorry to hear what you have been through.  I suggest you start with yourself, by returning the focus to you.  Loyalty sounds noble, but may be misplaced with a persecutor.  Love, in my view, doesn't involve following someone else into Hell.  It's time for you to put yourself first for a change.  Suggest you do what is right for you.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?

You get the idea.

LuckyJim
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capn zed

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« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2019, 12:20:38 PM »

My gut feelings are that this whole thing was a lie, and not just her lying to me but me lying to myself about the potential for happiness together for both of us. Im having trouble wrapping my head around what I have participated in over the last 6 years. Its just not me. Ive been in relationships before but this one stole my identity, my self worth, and my desire for anything for myself.
What I would like to see happen is for her to stay away from my town (she lives in another town 30 miles away now) and stop stalking me, stop threatening me, and stop terrorizing my friends trying to find out what Im doing and if I am still alone or not. She seems to be just fine keeping me isolated and alone. When I meet someone who is of the opposite sex she pulls out all the stops to come rushing back for some reason. I dont sleep with other women when I am married, even when that marriage is on the rocks. Thats just me. But she will get jealous of any contact I have with friends of the opposite sex regardless of its innocence while she dishonors our marriage and herself by sleeping with any man thats willing. I need space and the time to heal. She refuses to give me that. She rubs my nose in what she does outside our marriage and she knows it hurts me to the core.
I dont know what the best path for me is right now. The only thing I do know is that I need time. Something she has never been willing to give.
I know I can never go back to her. Its been to outrageously painful for me, and for our daughter. besides that, I am unsure of where to go next in my life. What path to take, or who I am as an individual.
As for our daughter, I may never see her again either. She is not mine biologically and every time I wanted to proceed with adoption my wife would make excuses or cause delays in the process that kept me from completing it. She is a brilliant kid who I worked hard with to make sure she had the best of everything. Now shes living with her mother in a motel, far from her friends and the only family she has ever known. The only father shes ever had, the only stable home shes ever known.
Ive said enough for now, Im having trouble typing through the tears.
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« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2019, 08:49:04 PM »

Hi capn zedWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

You are going through a tremendous amount of emotional pain right now. It will take time to let the roller coaster ride of feelings settle. I know that we all wish it were a quicker process, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's nearly impossible to look at any facts when our feelings are screaming at us, so please be as patient as you can with yourself.

Something that helps me (when I can remember to do it) is being mindful, or learning to stay in the moment. If I can concentrate on what is present and in front of me and stay there rather than going down the paths of what I did or didn't do or could've done, it helps to center me, to get me past the abyss that wants to suck me in.

Hang on. Keep posting.

Wools
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« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2019, 09:21:58 PM »

Hi capn zed.

Excerpt
    I think what I am doing here is reaching out to a group of people who share my experiences in relationships with someone with bpd.

This here is very good. At times like this a support network can be vital to your recovery. You are not alone here and we have all experienced or are experiencing the same thing.

A lot of your story reminded me of my own marriage and subsequent treatment. I want you to know that what you are feeling is pretty normal considering what has happened to you. I too went back and was dropped on my head again, wanting to save your family/marriage under the circumstances was a very selfless thing to do and shows that you are a very honourable man.

This will get better and you have already begun steps to aid in your recovery. NC will serve you well by giving you some much needed breathing space. You are in survival mode right now so try to eat and focus on your immediate needs.

Keep posting.

LT.
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« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2019, 10:30:23 AM »

Excerpt
Im having trouble wrapping my head around what I have participated in over the last 6 years. Its just not me. Ive been in relationships before but this one stole my identity, my self worth, and my desire for anything for myself.

Hey cap'n, Right, that's why it's important to return the focus to you, by putting yourself first.  Your task is to get to the point where you care too much about yourself to let yourself get put through this kind of thing again.  In the meantime, let the tears flow as they come up.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2019, 01:33:55 PM »

I havent posted in a couple days. Ive been doing a lot of isolating due to my emotional instability right now. Im not one to show those things in public, not out of shame or anything, but out of a desire to keep private things private, and to avoid the platitudes recieved from well wishers that dont understand the complexities of what I am going through.
Im still not sleeping well and I should probably eat something. I am going to do my best to start taking better care of myself today. I know that what Ive been doing (avoiding food, sleep, contact with the outside world) isnt helping but only making things worse so thats where I am going to start. Im going to attempt to get some house cleaning done today as well. I need to keep myself busy. Its all I can do just getting out of bed lately. I am sober and have been through this entire fiasco and I intend to stay that way. I know full well from experience that alcohol will only inflame this and I dont make good decisions when I drink. I am reading all that I can about my wifes condition and my role in it. I am focusing on educating myself and finding tools of recovery to use in my daily life. Its difficult to implement them but I am not giving up. I appreciate all the support this group has shown me. Hopefully, once I recover from this, I can give something back to this community and maybe even, one day, help someone like me to find their way.
I will keep posting here and I will continue to do what needs to be done to further my recovery. Thank you all.
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« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2019, 02:03:04 PM »

Hi capn-

I am so so sorry....

I’ve been on the boards for over two years and I remember your story, but will go back and read for details.  What I’d like to ask now is this... do you HAVE to stay in the community where you currently live?

This is from distant memory, but I’m recalling there wasn’t much support for you there.  Perhaps what could REALLY help you detach is to create REAL, tangible space for awhile.  Near family, old friends maybe?  People WILL help when you ask for it.  They will.

And please, don’t feel shame for trying again.  For many of us, the “ties that bind” are difficult to break.  Many here try for much longer than is healthy, so you are amongst friends and people who “get it”. 

Please stay on the boards and keep posting.  We can help you through this painful but worthwhile healing journey.  You’ll find your way back to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2019, 02:30:33 PM »

 Gem, this community is my home, not hers. She has returned to her home 30 miles from here and our paths dont cross unless she comes up for a stalk. Fortunately I have friends in the sheriffs dept who are actively watching out for her and protecting me. I have also had the good fortune to find a counselor in town (he just started his practice a couple months ago here) and I will be going to my first appointment this afternoon. I am taking steps to heal, or at least to cope at this point. I still feel all the disarray in my head and heart but it is easier knowing I have so many folks supporting me through this.
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« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2019, 02:49:17 PM »

I’m sorry for my memory lapse, capn.  In my rush to let you know old friends were still on board I forgot.

I’m so glad you’ll see a T today.  That’s great news.

I’ll go back and read your old threads so I can make more sense.

In the meantime, please eat (I know...) but sometimes we need to be reminded.  So please eat.

And call on your friends for company as well as protection.  They’ll come through for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2019, 04:03:25 PM »

Gem, I will remind myself of these things as often as it takes to create new, better habits. I really do appreciate your help in this. Thank you. It means a great deal to me that you would remember me from that long ago. It shows true family here and that alone is making me stronger every day.
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« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2019, 04:38:14 PM »

You know, capn... there are times when I’ve found that inside my own head is an “unsafe” place to be.  And it was hard to escape from.  There was no elevator, no stairs, no exit signs.  I got stuck in there and would drown in my thoughts of “loss” , tears and hopelessness.

After I was forced to flee my home (violent ex-H) and my community, friends, job, etc...  I was a crumbled mess.  This was BEFORE uBPDbf.   Lost so much weight I was told if I didn’t gain some tonnage they would hospitalize me.  And then one night, not sure how, I stumbled on a comedian on YouTube.  And I laughed.  Out loud.  In the midst of my desperation, I laughed.  That laughter began my ascent out of the hole.  Just the sound of my own laughter.

When my best friend died unexpectedly last year and uBPDbf simultaneously went nuts on me, I hit the floor again.  But this time it was even worse.  Because I felt I had learned NOTHING!  It was THIS experience that FORCED me into REAL therapy.  And capn, I’m talking about the DEEP DIVE.  My “WHYs”...  no questions about him.  I KNOW about him.  I needed to understand ME.  So maybe with you, it IS about only YOU.  The goodness YOU deserve.  And the fact that you DO deserve that goodness.  And that you DO deserve happiness and laughter.

And after T sessions, I go back onto periodic YouTube comedy watching.  And still do.  So can you do that one little thing for yourself?  Please?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2019, 04:16:24 PM »

Therapy went well yesterday. I am starting my journey to find myself through the wreckage. I am doing my best to find things that make me happy but it is slow going and so far, the joy has escaped me.
 She is still trying to contact me almost every day. Since she cant get ahold of me directly she uses mutual friends to pass messages. I have asked them to stop and they have agreed but I know how persistent she can be. Its the worry that somehow she will break through my defenses, the fear that somehow, she will suck me back in that has me twisted up right now.
 Im going to continue to do what I have to in order to keep myself moving forward and to insulate myself from her. I will keep seeking new things to incorporate into my new self. Im not giving up.
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« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2019, 05:36:56 PM »

Excerpt
Its the worry that somehow she will break through my defenses, the fear that somehow, she will suck me back in that has me twisted up right now.

capn zed,

if you reenter the relationship, i implore you to use the Bettering board, work out a plan, get feedback and support. dont go underwater from your support group.

nothing changes without changes. its important to determine whether the relationship is broken beyond repair - and if it is, work to detach from it. but if you reconcile without a very different game plan, and without support, you will be back here in even greater pain.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2019, 06:12:46 PM »

There is no possibility of reconciliation for me. Ive tried 6 times now to repair the marriage, with her doing the exact same things to me every time. I have to hold the line... No matter what.
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« Reply #16 on: August 10, 2019, 06:41:10 PM »

Just wanted to say sorry to hear what you're going through, cap'n. I understand the pain, as I suffered very badly at first after she left me. My anxiety was through the roof, I couldn't sleep, eat or do much of anything for a while. Night terrors would wake me up in the middle of my sleep and I would jump out of bed, gasping for air and clutching the wall. Things have gotten better since it's been almost 2 years, but I'm in no way back to my "normal self." I sometimes wonder if I ever will be. Good luck to you.
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« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2019, 12:54:33 PM »

Its been 21 days of no contact. Im still having trouble sleeping at night. Still have the racing thoughts and the inability to keep my eyes closed long enough to fall asleep. Im getting a little more comfortable with not contacting her. Im holding the line but this exhaustion is starting to really mess my head up. Im in counseling now but it hasnt had a chance to really work yet. I know this is going to take time. Im ok with that. I know my place in all this, its just the damage. All the questions thatll never be answered, all the pain she caused, all the worry about our daughter, all the open wounds that Im processing. This is what has me so spun up. I hope this passes soon. I feel like im gaining ground in some areas, and losing ground in others. I wont waiver on the no contact because I know it will just end in more pain. Its the things I cant control right now that have me worried. I cant afford a moment of weakness because even the smallest window will have her crawling back into my life again. I absolutely cannot allow this to happen. Im running on sheer determination at this point.
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« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2019, 04:24:51 PM »

Day 22 of nc

I have been writing a lot lately about my experiences and feelings. It is helping me greatly. I got some sleep last night for the first time in weeks. It felt good. I am in counseling now and I am getting out of the house every day to do positive things for myself. Im still having moments that are very difficult but I can feel my strength returning a little at a time.
 Im getting more comfortable with no contact. I am doing my best to make sure I eat every day, that I do something active every day and that I do all the little things to take good care of myself.
 
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« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2019, 04:40:35 PM »

Hey Cap'n, Journaling is a great way to process one's feelings.  It helps to externalize our inner dialogues, I find.  Plus, it allows one to make sense of thoughts that otherwise might go around and around in one's head.

Difficult moments are normal.  Suggest you acknowledge them and move on.

Self-care is key, and it sounds like you're doing it.  Nice job!  Keep up the good work.

From my perspective, you are getting back on your path, which leads out of the BPD jungle.

LJ
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« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2019, 10:34:55 PM »

Excerpt
I am in counseling now

how is it going?

Excerpt
moments that are very difficult

do you want to say more?
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« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2019, 08:27:49 AM »

Counseling is... difficult. It hasnt been easy reliving all the things I've endured. Telling my full, complete story has brought up things I never thought Id share with another human face to face. It is intimidating. My life has been full of trauma and tragedy, Dealing with my wife and her condition has just been the latest. We are looking for a place to start, hence the full disclosure. I will soldier on with it and allow my therapist to help me as best as I can.

As for the difficult moments, Im in the middle of one right now. I havent slept at all last night because earlier yesterday evening my youngest daughter called me. She was very angry with me. I will try to explain why.
We lived in a small town. When her mother left she took her to another town to live that is outside our school district. Her mother knew that she had to register her yesterday because she is outside the district now and these rules have been in place for as long as I can remember. Her mother failed to register her in time and now my daughter has to go to school far away from her friends and familiar teachers. It hurt her. I know what happened there, her mother is using this to convince our daughter that I am to blame. I had no control of the situation whatsoever. I dont have custody, she isnt living with me, she doesnt live in the district. I didnt choose any of these things for our daughter. Yet I am to blame somehow. So my head is twisted up and I cant shut it off. I want to protect my daughter but I have no say in it. It is out of my hands. This is a tactic my wife has used many times before to hurt me when she leaves, she uses similar tactics when she wants to come back. She plays on my need to protect my daughter. She uses my daughter to hurt me. She uses her as a weapon. It is cruel and wrong. Children are not tools, they are not weapons. I cant argue with my daughter about any of this because she is too young to understand what is happening or see how she is being used without hurting her by exposing her mother. I dont want to make this any worse for my daughter by throwing my wife "under the bus" as they say. I wont do that to my daughter. This is what eats at me, this is tearing me to pieces inside.

I will hold the line. I have to. I cannot waiver or things will get far worse. I have to cut my wife loose. There is nothing I can do for my daughter right now and its killing me inside.
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