How do you express your feelings in a discussion

[G1B8oN]

In discussions with my uBPDgf I find it really difficult to express my feelings and I was wondering how others manage to express themselves.

I try to use SET and DEARMAN when communicating but it seems that she'll often only listen to S-E and D-E. As soon as I get to the bit where I assert my feelings she talks over me, shuts me down or goes on a rant about every single thing that's bothering her. In the end I hardly ever seem to be able to get anything about how I'm feeling out.

For example, she'll say that I'm pushing her away and being distant because I'm playing mind games with her and keeping her "on a string". So I'll say something like...

"I'm guessing that the past few days when I've gone to bed early and have watched TV on my own upstairs have made you feel pushed away? You've said before that you feel lonely when I go to bed and it's true that I have been spending more time on my own this week. What's been going on with me is...

And that's as far as I'll get before she shuts me down.

What I really want to say is that I've been feeling stressed and anxious and this has made me more short-tempered than usual. That her drinking has escalated the past week and when she is drunk she tends to become quite verbally confrontational so I've been removing myself from situations of conflict because I don't want them to escalate. Her drinking is worrying me and I feel powerless to help her because of her chosen coping mechanism.

But instead I get a long, long rant whereby she tries to push all my buttons to elicit the response of escalation that I'm trying to avoid. As I feel my temper rising I tell her I need a time-out and that we can continue the discussion in 20 minutes or so and so it tends to not escalate. When I return I calmly ask her to listen to my point of view but she just will not give me the courtesy of listening! It's infuriating.

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[lepman67]

G1B8oN,

I'd be curious to know if she is actually cutting you off always or does she sometimes actually hear you out and then completely dismiss your feelings as absurd? My uBPDgf did the latter, though I didn't have the SET technique in my toolbox yet before the circular conversations led to our breakup. I'm not sure I have a good way to make sure your feelings are getting heard. Would like to hear others more experienced responses...

However this hit home for me...

But instead I get a long, long rant whereby she tries to push all my buttons to elicit the response of escalation that I'm trying to avoid.

My pwBPD would also do this to me all the time. Then that was an easy way for her to point to me as the bad guy because now I'm in a fit of rage. I think you're doing the right thing here though by stepping away. Too often I didn't step away and it only was making things worse.

[G1B8oN]

G1B8oN,

I'd be curious to know if she is actually cutting you off always or does she sometimes actually hear you out and then completely dismiss your feelings as absurd?

Yeah she literally interrupts. I get half a word out before she's talking over me. She has also dismissed and disregarded my feelings too. Sometimes mocking me or usually saying something along the lines of "well now you know how I feel" or "well you deserve it because you did ...".

It's so easy to want to bite back, I can totally understand why you couldn't always keep your cool. I can't either sometimes. It's very difficult when someone's mashing your buttons like a kid from the '90s playing Street Fighter!

[once removed]

"I'm guessing that the past few days when I've gone to bed early and have watched TV on my own upstairs have made you feel pushed away? You've said before that you feel lonely when I go to bed and it's true that I have been spending more time on my own this week. What's been going on with me is...

its sort of putting words in her mouth/speaking for her. that may make her defensive.

in general, dont guess how she feels. ask. listen.

then speak your truth.

I've been feeling stressed and anxious and this has made me more short-tempered than usual

alternatively, just jump straight to this.

does this help?

[G1B8oN]

Yes it does help, thanks very much for your perspective. I've really been struggling with this.

Saying that I doubt I'll get much out beyond "I've been feeling..." before she rages over me but I'll definitely try next time.

I've got a bit of trouble with getting her to actually express her feelings. Often, she just jumps straight to raging but this is often silent so it's tricky to get her to open up.

Sometimes I just wish I could be a fly on some walls and just watch and learn what does and doesn't work for others. I'm not a naturally great communicator either, all this stuff is quite new to me and isn't yet close to being intuitive but I really want to improve.

OK, here's one from today. I really wasn't sure what to say in response...

I have expressed my concerns about your coldness, lack of affection, attention and bad treatment of me and I'm sorry that all I wanted was to feel wanted by my own partner! You're out for yourself G1bb0n!

My response was to suggest we have a conversation face-to-face tonight because her concerns are important to me but I've gotten home to her drinking heavily and a boundary I set was that we don't have serious discussions when one of us is drunk (which for her has been about 6 of the past 7 nights)