FOG regarding paying for son's therapy

[Normlee]

I've paid for different counselors or therapists through the years for my DS38 which I've been happy to do. This last year I offered to pay for EMDR visits - I told him and the therapist that I had a certain amount I could afford for the year. There is no insurance coverage. I withdrew it from my not so big retirement account. Yesterday I told my son there was enough for 9 more visits. He was visibly upset and said I never would have started this if I knew I had limited visits. He does not remember I told him in the beginning I had only so much to offer. I felt sick to my stomach and still do. To his credit he said that's ok, I'll figure it out, you shouldn't be paying anyway. AND gave me a hug. This is new behavior after a disappointment. The thing is, he doesn't have the money to continue and it does seem to be helping him.
I feel like I'm heaping guilt on myself that I can't afford to do more right now. I want to tell him maybe he could go 2 times a month instead of each week and he'd be able to make it through the end of the year. My thought is. After the first of the year if my 401K doesn't tank because of the market, I may be able to take out more to provide for more sessions. Yet, I read about them needing to have skin in the game too. What does that look like. Also selfishly do I give always and only to his needs? Wondering if you all have any thoughts. Thanks, Normlee

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Normlee
I admire the way you stand by your son even when it is very difficult to do so. These money decisions are not easy are they? Right now my husband and I are negotiating lawyer's fees, possible bail etc. for our incarcerated BPD son so I get the internal, conflicted monologue that goes on. On the one hand we love our children and want to do the best for them even if it is a sacrifice for us. On the other hand we don't want to enable them. They do need skin in the game. Is there any way he could earn the extra money for his therapy?

[Normlee]

Faith, My heart goes out to you for what you're walking out right now. I know of others who have come from where your son is now to a better place in their life. I'm hoping that will be true for him. You are loving united parents.
Skin in the game as far as him contributing in the future is good thought. He is on workers comp now has two kids and a wife that basically carries them all and always has. Little by little he's contributing more rather than selfishly spending on himself.
Soo, I believe my showing support financially as I can and him stepping up is a good starting point. Thanks, Normlee

[Bluemoon23]

Normlee I'm just wondering what is the optimal amount of EMDR required? Just wondering if it has a success rate after so many sessions? It's so wonderful you help and I think trying 2/month instead of weekly also could be something your son works with the therapist?

Is EMDR something that should go on for long term?

[Normlee]

So, I just heard back from my son. He doesn't want to change his visits and he said he'll take care of his visits after the funds I've contributed run out.
Sounds great but scares me because he doesn't have the income. I have to let go. This is where the FOG part comes in for me. I feel like his possible decline woud be my fault because I'm not an unlimited financial source.  I'm glad I have this place to come to for clarity and support  Normlee

[FaithHopeLove]

Normlee, Whatever happens is totally NOT your fault. You have done your very best. If anything, him taking more responsibility will be to his benefit. Please come out of the FOG.

[livednlearned]

I believe Susan Forward is the author/psychologist who coined FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in her book Emotional Blackmail.

One thing I remember her suggesting is the phrase "I can stand it" when feelings of discomfort come up when saying no to someone.

She also had a list of questions to help tell the difference between appropriate or excessive guilt. Something along the lines of:

Are my actions malicious?
Am I being demeaning or belittling?
Am I trying to harm or be cruel to the other person?

If you answer yes, then the guilt you feel is appropriate. If no, then the guilt is undeserved.

Having skin in the game for DS38 might be as simple as negotiating a reduced rate with the T given his employment status. He absolved you of the guilt to continue paying -- he expressed his sadness and then let you off the hook.

It does seem that your guilt and obligation are driving this more than what he is saying or doing to make you feel that way.  

[Normlee]

I do need to walk out of the FOG. It can be thick at times. I appreciate examining the intent of my motives. That is helpful. My DS38 did express his feelings and let me off the hook. I think what nags at me is he has done that before and later turns it back on me that I wasn't there for him, put him in second place in my life... I think a part of him wants to carry his load but there's another helpless part that doesn't.

[cbusmom]

I do need to walk out of the FOG. It can be thick at times. I appreciate examining the intent of my motives. That is helpful. My DS38 did express his feelings and let me off the hook. I think what nags at me is he has done that before and later turns it back on me that I wasn't there for him, put him in second place in my life... I think a part of him wants to carry his load but there's another helpless part that doesn't.

I identify with your situation as I am also paying for my son's therapy. I am hopeful that this January during open enrollment he will get signed up for benefits at his job. He has said things that he is afraid to do that because in the past when he would do something expecting permanence it all goes to he! In a handbasket. He has only had 3 or 4 visits with her so far. I am so grateful that he is going and open to the diagnosis of bpd. I know that i will help him pay for this as long as can. I am not sure if that is enabling but honestly at the moment I dont care if he gets something from it.

From your posts it seems like your son has been going for less than a year weekly.

My question would be to those with more experience is in situations like this is what chance is there that small amounts of therapy can actually help our loved ones? The costs make it so hard. I have also found some good books, workbooks and youtube channels. I just wondering if it is possible for some to self help their way through this?

[FaithHopeLove]

just wondering if it is possible for some to self help their way through this?

Judging by what I have read so far I would say that although not ideal it is possible.