Adult Son BPD

[CaliGirlinGA]

Hello
My daughter and I recently received texts from my 43 year old son that were horrible. had no idea where all of his hate was coming from. Then I remembered one of his past doctors had told him that he had BPD's. After reading up on BP and answering 10 questions about symptoms, My son had 9 of of the 10.
I bought the book and handbook for Stop Walking on Eggshells. After reading up on this I bought my daughter a workbook so she could also understand his mental condition.
He is worse with her. And now that we understand it, we both want him to get the help he needs. One day he says yes then the next day he doesn't have a problem.
This is tearing the family apart. I start to see a therapist about this.
I am going to my daughters town to help her move September 1st. My son just text me that he is moving September 1st. They live 20 minutes away from each other.
If I tell my son I am going to help my daughter he is going to go off again.
Do I not tell my son and help my daughter who asked over 3 weeks ago? Or disappoint my daughter and go help my son who asked yesterday?
Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello CaliGirlinGa. Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. Dealing with BPD in a loved one is not easy. You have come to the right place for help and support. Can you tell us more about your son and why you suspect BPD? Regarding your question, I would not recommend canceling long standing plans with your daughter in order to cater to your son's demands. That would be enabling. It is important that you maintain your own values and act accordingly. Once you start doing things to appease your son you risk losing yourself in the process
 At least that is my experience. Does that ring true to you?
Hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

I agree with Faith to stick with your initial plan.

There is a skill discussed here called SET (support, empathy, truth) that we use with BPD loved ones.

"You're moving and I want to be able to help you (support). It's a lot of work to move and can be stressful, it's always so much easier when someone else helps -- I would want the same thing (empathy). What day would you like my help? Sept 1 is already spoken for (truth). How about 9/2? Let me know."

He will likely channel his distress your way, but that's about his own struggles regulating emotion and taking responsibility for it. He has to learn to manage his own distress without expecting you to do it -- that's part of healing. It's a long road and it hurts, it's also the only way to get off the roller coaster.