Ambushed with painful conversation

[hangingon]

Had an unplanned and painful conversation a few nights ago with DD29. She has been dysregulated for several weeks now and had many nasty outbursts lately. On this particular night she revealed to me that she finally started seeing a therapist.  Inside I was saying to myself "yes she is finally getting help!"

The next hour consisted of her sharing what her T has helped her realize:what a crappy life she has had, she was dealt a "sh__ hand" and that her childhood was horrible because of me, my parenting style, and that I have been "gaslighting" her her entire life. She brought up several events from 13-16 years ago with twisted and altered details, telling me that I made her feel unwanted, that I resented her her whole life, and she has never felt that I loved her.  Fast forward to adulthood, where she dropped out of college because she was sexually assaulted (she didn't reveal it to me for 3 years) and she had her first unplanned pregnancy.  Her accusatory questions rained down on me:  Why didn't I force her to tell me what happened to her in college?  Why didn't I make her leave an abusive boyfriend? When she became pregnant, why didn't I tell her to have an abortion?

By the time she finished unloading on me, I was an emotional wreck. She was alternately attacking me verbally, screaming, crying, and pleading with me to see her tremendous pain. I apologized for any perceived wrongdoing on my part, denied false accusations in a matter of fact way, and reminded her that she is responsible for her adult decisions. After an hour of this, I was in tears and had to step away and process/think about all of this. While I know this is the BPD talking it is very painful to hear all of this.  Normally I handle my emotions better during these exchanges, but this one hit me at the core.  I raised her by myself, we were involved in girl scouts, church, sports.  I built my life around her (and she is still the focus of my life today since she lives with me) and her revelations of her feelings felt like a knife in my chest. Today I feel beaten down and not sure if our relationship will be the same. Before this conversation I knew she was struggling, but I thought our relationship had improved.  I don't feel that way any more. I don't know if we can overcome this.

I don't know how to respond to her when she is over the top emotional like this, and more importantly I don't know how much more of this I can take while she is living under my roof.  I'm focusing on self care and trying to figure out the best way to start and end a conversation that makes my boundaries clear and protects my emotions too. The stress of the last 3 years of her chaotic life and trying to be a support for her has drained me, affected my work life, and my relationship with my long time BF, as well as my health.  Something has to change, and I know that is my approach, but right now Im feeling emotionally drained.

I'm scared for what the future holds for she and I, but even more concerned for my 3 year old grandson's future.  With my daughter's undiagnosed BPD, and her lack of emotional regulation, I worry non stop about how her emotional tirades are and will affect him. I love them both so much and it is hard to watch how the BPD is affecting them both.

My DD T seems to think she has ADHD and/or autism. I think she embraces those conditions because it relieves her (in her mind) of responsibility for her behavior. My hope is that after more sessions with her, she may begin to see that something different or additional is going on here. Until then, I am...…..hanging on.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

My DD T seems to think she has ADHD and/or autism

DD told you this? BPD or not, it could be true.  My uBPDx told me that she thinks that she might be high functioning ASD, after our son was diagnosed.  She's sensitive to textures, smells, events similar to our son.  High functioning autism is thought to be underdiagnosed in females due to manifesting differently and social biases.

Even so, her behaviors are hurtful and the validation tools still apply, like they do with neurotypicals.

Her tirade must have hurt a lot, the blame shifting.  How might you approach the next conversation differently?

[FaithHopeLove]

That does sound brutal. Maybe being in therapy is uncovered some painful stuff your DD can't face so she is lashing out at you instead.

[hangingon]

Turkish- yes according to DD her T think she she may be on the spectrum. DD has mentioned many times that she misses social cues. She is also extremely sensitive to smells and textures and that has gotten worse in last few years. I’m not ruling out that possibility. Distorted perceptions and false accusations, sometimes years later is another thing and one of her biggest issues.

FHL - brutal is an apt description. I agree some painful things are probably being uncovered and historically when she is in pain I’ve been the recipient of her complaints and rages. Now my GS is receiving some of that too which makes me angry and worried.

I honestly don’t know yet how I will handle the next conversation. I feel like I need to take a different approach but don’t know where to start. I’ve been validating her feelings consistently all these years (well I thought I was) but now I’m at a loss.

[Turkish]

She could be BPD, and also ASD.

How would you judge your validation compared to the techniques in the lessons here?  Quick Tips...

[FaithHopeLove]

When my son starts piling on accusations I just validate what I can and detach from the rest. There really is no way to have a real conversation at that time. Sometimes you just have to let that moment go and wait for another time when communication becomes possible again.

[Bluemoon23]

How painful that sounds hangingon. It's good you have shared this and you are taking time to reflect and seek support. I'm new here and I can so relate. I look forward to reading and seeing what others with experience can share. Stay strong.

[twocrazycats]

I've read that you can validate the feelings while not agreeing with the content of the conversation. I've been trying to do that with my not officially diagnosed BPD DD. For example, you could say something like, "Working through so much must feel really overwhelming." And just let her do most of the talking.

This is so hard. I know that my daughter has told her therapists a very twisted version of my parenting, too. I've just come to accept it for now. In fact, this past week, she said she was thinking of canceling her therapy appointment (she's 18). I didn't try to talk her out of it. Mostly because I knew she would use the time to talk crap about me. She doesn't seem ready for real therapy yet.

I think in your situation, I'd want to know how much experience the therapist has with BPD. If he/she has a lot, then the therapist is aware of what the BPD client might be doing.

Just my opinion, and I'm also a newbie here and just learning these things myself.

[Normlee]

That's so hard to go through with your child. I know I've been there, and like you I poured my heart and life into my son.  I have read that borderline people are very sensitive and they can pick up on what triggers us. For example your value as a mother.. Daggers hit the hardest in our cherished values. The thing is our children hate themselves. We are an easy target.  Once about 5 years ago I arranged with a therapist for my son and I to go together so we could work this out between us the mediator. He vented again saying all the awful things and at the conclusion the therapist was able to have him admit that the reason why he could go on so with me was because I was a safe person for have to do that with. It didn't end the tirades but it has given me something to hold on to. Right now it is better between us.
The verbal assault hurts, I hope you can find ways here to protect yourself emotionally.  . This is such a safe and validating environment. .