I told my mom how I felt and she raged for days

[IvyB]

My mom (who I believe has bpd) wants grandkids, talks about it often, and my husband and I have no desire for them. We love each other and feel like our life is complete with meaningful work, hobbies, travel, and our 2 dogs and a cat. Maybe at some point our decision will change, we are 35. I told my mom how I felt and she raged for days, threatened everything and it severely damaged our relationship. She told me finally that she'll give us a year and then she expects grandkids, she said she will be a grandmother. I'm her only child. This was my catalyst to start therapy a year ago and I've learned about BPD and that my mom might have it. Therapy has helped and I've learned better how to handle her swings.
Would love any advice from this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome IvyB! I'm sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mom but I'm glad you're seeking therapy and that you've joined this group.

I'm fairly new to BPD and my struggle is with my uBPD MIL. This:

She told me finally that she'll give us a year and then she expects grandkids, she said she will be a grandmother. I'm her only child.

This is not ok. Having kids is a very personal, individual decision. That is not only a controlling statement to make to an adult child, IMO it's very intrusive. How else has her BPD played out with you? Have you thought about what kind of grandma she might be if you did have kids?

Some of the people on this forum are very wise and can offer great advice. Check out the tools tab for information on communication, validation and other things that might help you navigate her swings. Here is one on setting boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

pj

[JNChell]

Your mom is totally infringing and you did the right thing by distancing yourself from that. What she is trying to manipulate is not ok. You own your reproductive system. Right?

I’d suggest reading up on Boundaries. Here’s a link. Boundaries are a good place to start learning about this stuff.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Once you establish boundaries, you’ll most likely experience some pushback for a while. Here’s an article for that. It’s based off of a romantic relationship, but there’s a good chance that you’ll take some helpful things away from it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310120.0

In the meantime, keep posting and talking with us. Continue reading here. We get it here.

[IvyB]

Thank you.
The articles on boundries are helpful, I'm rereading SWOE, and second time around I'm getting even more out of it.

Your mom is totally infringing and you did the right thing by distancing yourself from that. What she is trying to manipulate is not ok. You own your reproductive system. Right?

I’d suggest reading up on Boundaries. Here’s a link. Boundaries are a good place to start learning about this stuff.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Once you establish boundaries, you’ll most likely experience some pushback for a while. Here’s an article for that. It’s based off of a romantic relationship, but there’s a good chance that you’ll take some helpful things away from it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310120.0

In the meantime, keep posting and talking with us. Continue reading here. We get it here.

Her BPD has always made it difficult, for years I just thought she was "sensitive" and "had a difficult life" and that it was my duty (only child) to help her. Now I'm seeing that "help that she needs" is a bottomless pit and her expectations are unrealistic and toxic. I've added more structure to our relationship, reduced contact, shorter visits in order to create more boundries.

If she takes care of our dogs (for which I'm very grateful) I come home to a slew of advice/requests, i.e. need to feed different food, need to do more dog training, my one dog picks on other dog... etc. She always needs to get her two-cents in. If we ever have kids, I can only imagine how pushy she would be.