Hurting me, hurting herself, help

[stevenrgrs]

 I'm currently in a relationship with my significant other for the last two years. We've had a rocky path, me pushing away, her going off, violent behavior on both sides, but each of us love each other very much. I moved to a new area and she came here. I tried to make things different but a violent outburst from me triggered her completely. She left me and I started going to therapy to work on my demons. I thought we were making progress. Until I found out that she had been cheating on me. I was devastated but willing to work with her through it. We went to counseling, but they couldn't help us until we both got our own help, of which I was continuing. She ended up going back to him shortly after.

She finally made the decision to go seek help and was diagnosed with BPD. Shortly after she'd realized that she made a mistake and came back to me. She moved back in a few days ago.

She has been in a haze ever since, wanting to ignore her diagnosis and not read anything pertaining to the condition at all. I have been trying to be supportive of her, reading books on it and trying not to press her buttons until she is ready to work on herself but it has been really hard for me.

Then tonight we got into a fight over the guy and she left the house, saying that she probably wouldn't come back and that she never should have moved back in with me. I went to find her so we could talk and he was there with her.

I am completely heartbroken and devastated that she would actively turn to him knowing how much I love her and how much it hurt me for what they did and how I feel about her talking to him "as a friend".

I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't want to lose her, but I am running out of options. I didn't want to abandon her at all, but this tonight makes me feel like I am not good enough to even warrant thinking about my feelings. How do I get through this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stevenrgrs]

And now she came home like nothing happened or that I should be hurt at all. Except for the fact that she is still angry at me.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough place.  How did the fight about the guy start?  How did it go from there?

RC

[stevenrgrs]

We were driving to pickup some items, talking, holding hands and she told me that he would be at a going away party that she was attending. I asked her if she would ignore him and she told me that she was not going to do that. I lessened my grip on her hand because I was hurt that she still had to talk to this person. I understand how that felt to her, but I could not control or hide my emotions on the matter.

Later that night I found out that she kissed him at the park where they met. I found this out because she had a suicidal episode and called him hysterical to come over and pick her up because I would not allow her to leave. We both had to talk to her and calm her down and she admitted what she did that night. I stayed up all night with her and made sure she was safe and slept.

Today, waking up she is completely depressed about her actions last night, but I am not sure if it's a combination of the suicidal ideation or the fact that she kissed him.

I really don't know what to do.

[Radcliff]

Sorry, I can be a little dense sometimes.  I'm confused on the timing of things.  Did things happen on two separate nights?  Where was it that you wouldn't let her leave, and why?

RC