Scared to admit the reality of this... Scared about what this might lead to.

[Freedom23]

This is my first post … my first communication  about my life with a spouse that suffers from BPD. I admit that I am scared to write this..  Scared that my spouse will somehow find this.  Scared to admit the reality of this... Scared about what this might lead to.
It's been 39 years of coping... I just finished reading the book. "Stop walking on Eggshells", and that's when I knew that this state of "emotional violence" that we live in has a name...
I have reached out for counseling... First appt is tomorrow :-)   But I really don't know what to do, how to feel or what to think.  I am tired, numb and overwhelmed with uncertainty and fear.
Life has been good, except for when it totally sucked.  I have been called evil, a jerk, a creep, an idiot, etc. Ive been micro controlled and isolated. Disagreements become fast moving tsunamis of anger.  When it happens I am emotionally drained, then things are okay for awhile and I try to forget about the bad experience...then it happens again.
It has to change, as I no longer have the emotional strength to absorb the hatred (that's what it feels like). I thought that "going along to get along" was the best (maybe only) strategy for managing this and protecting our family...but I let my kids down big time.  I stood down when I should have stood and set limits that would protect them and give them some okay/no okay behavioral context.  Actions that would tell them that they are loved and cherished EXACTLY for who they are and for what they think and feel.  I admit that I am ashamed of my lack of action. and really sad about it as there are no "do overs" in this space.   I hope that there can be some healing.  I am actually crying right now because of the release that just writing this down, and sharing it with others is giving me.
  
Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Witz_End]

Welcome.  And I'll tell you... this is a place of people who understand.  What you feel is very common here.

I'm pretty sure as you go and as you work with the therapist, things will clarify in your mind and there will be less confusion for you.  But, it's not an easy thing to face.

You mention crying and I'll tell you, I hung by threads to not completely breakdown while standing in a Barnes and Noble reading parts of Eggshells before buying it.  I was fighting to pull it together every time someone walked into the aisle.  The emotion that comes with realizing and facing this can be really powerful and extremely mixed.

[gadget]

Welcome Freedom!

I’m fairly new here too.  I’ve also read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I see my wife in every page.

There are many great people on here that will stop by to chat.  I’ve learned a great deal from them all.  It helps to talk here, with friends, family, a therapist.  My therapist has helped me to cope a great deal.

My wife of almost 30 years left me and our family almost 3 months ago due to Compassionate Caregiver Overload from helping take care of our special needs son for the last 24 years.  It’s hard.  I feel it too every day.  We are all here for you and each other.  It helps greatly to be able to vent here.

[Witz_End]

It helps to talk here, with friends, family, a therapist.

I'm hesitant to contradict Gadget here and perhaps Gadget has had a different experience - which is great - but something was highlighted in another thread:  be careful talking to friends and family.  There may be those select few who are able to handle it, but please bear this in mind when choosing to talk to friends and family...

Most do not understand BPD *or* why people may opt to stay with people with BPD.  Those who care about you may be distressed at seeing the abuse and focus much more on how it hurts you than on trying to understand your wishes or your need to just have someone undertand.  At a minimum, not understanding BPD, advice they may give might come from a place of misunderstanding or not understanding (BPD is a different wiring and sometimes a different language).

Think of it in this way... they love you, they don't want to see you hurt, they may not take kindly to someone repeatedly hurting you for any reason, and potential downsides can be things like them spurning your SO (with ensuing drama) or damage in your relationship with them if they don't support any decision you make to stick with the relationship.

Some may be able to understand and balance out their feelings.  Some may not.  Again, I don't want to seem to contradict anybody... just wanted to bring this up for you to consider when choosing who to talk to.

People here or others who understand BPD relationships generally... well, understand.  Therapists, also, are outside your family/friend/SO relationships and are a good place to be able to talk it all out.

[gadget]

Thanks for the clarification Witz!

True that is my case.  You do have to choose who you talk to very carefully.

Gadget

[Birddog]

Made mistake reaching out to brother in-law. Prior to him coming in for visit with his new bride, cautioned him to be gentle with sister, she is going through hard time. He needed some coaching, lots of demands, stay at our place, drive him to a bunch of tourist spots, 24-7 attention.

He Started projecting stuff, got MIL spun up, started trying to run our lives, went into hyper blame mode, hyper vigilance mode.

[Stillhopeful4]

Welcome Freedom!

I am relatively new here as well.  I can totally relate to feeling like you have let your kids down.  The people here are great!  Read the tools section.  I find the lessons very helpful.  Practice, practice, practice.

Best of luck to you!

SH4

[Birddog]

Shame and guilty feelings are real, found title “Whole Again” helpful for me to search, rediscover inner self, work on the healthy ways to work with that hurt. One book title probably won’t do it for you, but that is where I started to move past trying to focus externally, and address the understandable inner hurt.