uBPDw found my walking on eggshells book

[MayorMcCheesey]

Well she found the copy of the book I had and confronted me about it... aka blew a gasket.  I had brought up BPD years ago when she was seeing a therapist weekly(who was a quack- her words) also had bought a different book about it and she took major offense and denies anythings is wrong with her.   Thought I was in for a long day of arguing and getting yelled at, but surprisingly I talked her through circles and kept thinking, J.A.D.E.  I miraculously diffused the situation in a matter of about 15-30 mins.  I kept cool wasn't going to get in a back and forth, made her feel validated, wasn't going to defend or explain why I had the book in detail.  I did have to do some lying, but in my sane opinion its best for everyone.  I had to say that the book was for me because I feel like my mental health isn't 100%.  She agreed and said I don't know how to communicate and that there is something wrong with me, I just agreed and played along with it,  I stuck to my story and didn't elaborate and she even appeared to get angrier at me because I was remaining so cool and calm.  It seem to piss her off more, she also tried changing the subject a number of times and I just ignored those baiting tactics of her and stayed the course.  Eventually she had to get ready for a meeting about a charity shes involved with and basically dropped it after that to my surprise.  I did however find the book in her bathroom and book marked like she was reading it... praise be god, allah, moses, spagheti monster, or who ever, i hope that she has some type of revelation from reading it!

The info and reading on the website and  board have been great, already have learned a lot and it has helped me in my day to day with her.  Far from perfect but making things more tolerable and manageable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

I try to get books like that for my kindle/e-reader, and keep them private, not shared in our library.  I can be reading any old thing, and he can't tell. 

I also have 2 BPD parents, so that helps me when I am looking at anything regarding it.  I can truthfully say it helps me try to figure them out better even though I no longer speak to either of them.  It also helps with BPDH, but he won't understand that.

[wifewifelife]

I just started reading this book and have also been hiding it. Is the J.A.D.E. part of how to deal? I haven't quite gotten there yet.

[Witz_End]

I suspect mine did too, though I may be wrong and even if I am right, she has not said anything.  The story of my case is copied below.

You highlight something I struggle with.  In order to smooth things over, you were forced to lie and say it was for you.  I get the idea of approaches like JADE and the need to defuse things.  I've spun similar lies in the past just to calm things, so I completely understand it, but...

Where are things when we have to lie and normalize lying as a mechanism to placate BPD rage?  Where are things when we validate their perception of us as *the* problem to calm them, by taking on something that isn't ours to take on?

My wife raged at me that I was a hypocrite a couple weeks ago, demanding that I admit it - repeatedly screaming at me to admit it.  The topic was sparked by my being hurt/upset by her refusing to communicate something as part of an emotionally abusive tactic she uses.  Her reality was that I had done the same, but I had not.

It would have been so much easier to agree as a way to placate the rage as she literally bent over screaming with full-on rage face, but it was so blatantly (even provably) not the case.  I struck a middle ground by saying "I agree that I may not have communicated this clearly - apparently I did not, if it wasn't received.  That may be on me and I accept that.  I can not truthfully admit that I am a hypocrite, though, because I did not withhold it from you - even if the communication was not clear."

Do I believe the communication was unclear?  No.  I even communicated by text, not just verbally, and going back to the text, can not see it as anything but crystal clear.  It was ground I gave and allowed for perception to be a factor, but I saw danger in "yes, you're right... I'm a hypocrite."  There's a difference between humility and self-devaluation and I think we fall into a trap of admitting things that aren't true to a point where we normalize devaluation and start to question reality.  The subconscious toll of admitting, even if we consciously know it's not true, "you're right, I'm a hypocrite" is the programming that over time leads to "maybe I really am a hypocrite."

It's a delicate dance to balance the calming of the rage with being careful about how we do it and what it may mean to us over time.  It's something I'm starting to realize myself and open my eyes to having given up ground that had devalued me, even in my own mind.

But, my story of her possibly finding my book (it's just a suspicion) is as copied / pasted...

--- copied ---

...something else happened and I wonder about my own paranoia here...

Walking into the shed where we talked, I warned her about a step that had loosened recently on the right side.  She had not, to my knowledge, come out to the shed since.  Yet, she said she knew about it when I warned her.  She does not go out there for any reason other than to look for me, but she also knows when I'm out there... and when I am not.

"Oh.  Had you come out looking for me?"  I asked.  "Ummm... I don't remember what I was doing out here," she said.

It crossed my mind... she knows that lately I have been writing out a lot of my feelings to be able to organize them and later present them to her (something I had stopped once I realized about the BPD).  She would guess and guess right that I keep them in the shed, which is where she knows I write.  It crossed my mind to wonder if she had come out at a time she knew I wasn't there (hence knowing about the step) to look for them.

The shed is also where I keep "Stop Walking on Eggshells" tucked away hidden behind some things, out of sight.

Before leaving, after our conversation went awry, she made a comment to me.  "I feel like you expect me to say specific things and if I don't, I'm wrong.  It feels like... I'm walking on eggshells."  These last words sounded set off and slightly emphadized...  but was that just my perception?  Is there coincidence to her choice of words being the title of a book hidden there in a shed she had come out to when I wasn't around to do "I don't remember what I was doing"?  Had she been looking for my writing about my feelings and found it?

I showed no reaction and just replied that "it's not about expecting you to say anything... when I'm voicing something that's hurt me, it just doesn't work for being able to voice it if it's being turned into a battle of whose perception is right."

I left for the house I have been working on, relocating both books and my writing, which will need to be hidden here now, even as I wonder if I'm just being paraoid.

[Red5]

99,

The subject book, written by Paul Mason, and Randi Kreger, is on YouTube as an uploaded audio book, the entire book, some eight hours of listening, so you could listen on your iPhone with “earbuds”, your iPad, or any other “device”.

There is a link down in the groups here on bpd family... ‘Community Built Knowledge Base’ tab.

Happy Hunting!

Red5