Desperate for advice about 14 yr old daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I have a 14 year old daughter, diagnosed about a year ago  with emerging BPD with associated detachment disorder and  autistic traits. I would describe it as ‘quiet’ BPD - as she is very reserved and almost silent at times. She’s shown signs of having mental  health issues since about  7  But has been a slow process to develop and to get  to the bottom of.

We have 2 hour DBT therapy once a week and she has 1 to 1 DBT therapy once a week, she’s been on 50mg of sertraline since January and psychiatrist has just upped it to 75mgs to try to take her from feeling flat to feeling some ‘joy’.

She’s  has never really been ok but at the moment is particularly bad. She just wants to die, wants to end it, wants the pain to be over. She’s tired of the extremes and sudden mood swings, the extreme feelings, the constant battle within herself. She has risky urges all the time and basically is in her words ‘so close to killing herself. She’s had ‘mild attemots’ - taking a few too many melatonin tablets, tying a noose and looking at it. Stealing a can of beer and drinking it secretly but she tells me straight away with each attempt.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’d benefit from time in a facility but I know she wouldn’t stay without me there - she’s a very scared child - she won’t go anywhere on her own or even stay in the house by herself.

I just don’t know what to do, I listen, I support, I follow her lead - I don’t get angry or make demands of her, we are very close but I just do not know what to do and I really need some help and support - I can call her team on Monday but I could do with some help right now.

Thank you.

[Newding]

Hi, I have a 14 year old daughter, diagnosed about a year ago  with emerging BPD with associated detachment disorder and  autistic traits. I would describe it as ‘quiet’ BPD - as she is very reserved and almost silent at times. She’s shown signs of having mental  health issues since about  7  But has been a slow process to develop and to get  to the bottom of.

We have 2 hour DBT therapy once a week and she has 1 to 1 DBT therapy once a week, she’s been on 50mg of sertraline since January and psychiatrist has just upped it to 75mgs to try to take her from feeling flat to feeling some ‘joy’.

She’s  has never really been ok but at the moment is particularly bad. She just wants to die, wants to end it, wants the pain to be over. She’s tired of the extremes and sudden mood swings, the extreme feelings, the constant battle within herself. She has risky urges all the time and basically is in her words ‘so close to killing herself. She’s had ‘mild attemots’ - taking a few too many melatonin tablets, tying a noose and looking at it. Stealing a can of beer and drinking it secretly but she tells me straight away with each attempt.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’d benefit from time in a facility but I know she wouldn’t stay without me there - she’s a very scared child - she won’t go anywhere on her own or even stay in the house by herself.

I just don’t know what to do, I listen, I support, I follow her lead - I don’t get angry or make demands of her, we are very close but I just do not know what to do and I really need some help and support - I can call her team on Monday but I could do with some help right now.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Newding
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. Your story sounds so familiar
 As you read through the posts here you will see you are not alone at all. We get it. I look forward to hearing more about you and your daughter. Judging by what you have said so far it seems like you are doing everything you can for her. Maybe it's time to start doing for you now. We call it self care. Coming here is self care. Seeing your own therapist to help you cope is self care. Prayer, meditation, yoga or any activity you enjoy is self care. Do you agree that it is important? We are all here for you.
Hugs
Faith

[Newding]

Hello faith - thanks for your reply.

I do actively ‘self care’ I do pilates, walk the dog and try to do things that I enjoy.

My daughter is in so much pain I just don’t know how to help her. I can’t leave her alone as I can’t trust that she won’t harm herself.

I have other children too so have to look out for them.

I’m getting support from our local CAMHS (I live in London) and they have been great - I just don’t have access to themm24 hrs and as one psychiatrist said ‘there is not magic bullet’

She engages well with that therapists and she is very eloquent and understands her condition entirely and is very reasonable so you cannot give her hypothetical ‘hope’ or scenarios as she can reason as way to oppose it.

I’m so upset and worried for her, it’s breaking my heart - if I could take it away from her I would.
 

[Bluemoon23]

Hello 

It's sounds like a very stressful and painful place that you are in with your daughter. And I can so relate. I would also take that pain away from my son if only I could. But I cannot.

I wanted to share with you how much my son benefited from an inpatient stay. I persisted and was able to get him admitted at 17.

It really helped him and he continued on as an outpatient doing a combination of mental health treatment and school for a year and a half after that. They had a school in the facility.

Its understandable that your daughter wants relief and she deserves the best help in sorting out how she can do that. Sometimes being away and with those more experienced can be the catalyst for great change.

If that's something you could look into or broach with the psychiatrist it might be something that could work in getting the best regime going for her that will work to help her elevate her mood and feel more hopeful.

Hugs to you and it's good you are trying to figure things out. I just wanted to share with you part of my journey and how helpful I found that resource to be for my son. Not everyone has that option so I feel we were so fortunate.

[Rosheger]

Thank you for your post.  Witnessing our children suffer is heartwrenching.  You sound like a very loving mother who is doing everything you can for her.  We have no control of outcomes.  I agree with the others that you need to take good care of yourself.  I hope you feel some peace just knowing we are here and we get it.  Hugs, Rosheger

[FaithHopeLove]

It is good she engages with therapists and shows a lot of insight. That is a very good sign. I know what you mean about wanting to take away the pain but that is not what is happening and we need to be present for what is.
Hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

It's encouraging that DD14 is willing to be in DBT therapy and understands her condition, is willing to accept.

Is it possible she is feeling worse because of the stage of acceptance she is in? the dx is recent. Now there is a name for what she feels, on top of being in the toughest part of her teens.

Does she like to read? There are books, Beyond Borderline: Stories of True Recovery that might give her some validation and encouragement. Also a memoir, Buddha and the Borderline about a lovely woman who writes beautifully about her struggles, although it might be a bit ahead of her, since it's an adult woman. Do you think these are things your DD14 would benefit from?

I am learning to be so aware of my own emotions, how powerful they are to others, what I say with my actions, body language, facial expression, non-verbal communication that are vessels for emotions. If you feel your DD14 can learn to tolerate frustration and distress and learn to manage her wildly swinging emotions, she may hear this come through you, even if it's unspoken.

BPD loved ones in my life taught me to be an emotional leader side by side with them, one foot in front of the other. Here, now.

 

I'm glad you're here.

[smomruby]

We are on 250 of Setraline and take Zoloft. Meds can certainly help even things out.

[Captain]

 bluemoon 23-

I  have a daughter that is 15 and started DBT therapy six weeks ago Dash I am trusting that DBT therapy will help however, she is still defiant and having troubles. Do you mind sharing with me the Residential facility that your son did well in – we may need to resort to that at some point.
Thank you!

Captain

[Bluemoon23]

@Captain I am in Canada so I'm not sure where you are located. I think there are threads with links to finding treatment in the US as I recall.

I took my son to 3 different hospital emergency rooms in my city and then the last one was at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health where they kept him for 2 days and then discharged him into my care with the promise of a bed available the Monday. He went in to that inpatient unit for 3 months and then was discharged to a treatment/school at the facility as an outpatient and did that for 1.5 years.

It really helped and I saw my son thrive and commit to a routine, structure and schedule. He really decided that this was a good thing and he participated fully.

Although initially he did not want to go in the end he saw the benefit and it worked.

I will look for the link or thread with the treatment info and post if I find it.

Stay strong! It's hard and you are doing the best you can.

[Bluemoon23]

Here it is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338037.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=125499.0

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I believe Dr. Blaise Aguirre also lists treatment centers in his book BPD in Adolescence if that's of any help.