Selective sight

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPD H has not only selective memory (due to dissociation) but also selective seeing, or seeing only what he wants to see.

Do others with BPD partners experience this?

As many of you know, H is enmeshed with his adult children from his first marriage.  They are all in the BPD or NPD spectrum.  They all learned as children and adolescents (they were raised by their uNPD M) that they could manipulate or emotionally blackmail their father into doing what they wished, mostly give them money or expensive gifts.  This is usually done by buttering him up or withholding affection (not replying to texts or phone calls, etc.)  This has been going on for the entirety of our 20 + years of mariage.  All of the children are around 30 years of age.   I have no more respect for my H in regards to his children, and I think him a sniveling coward.

H spent several days in a deep sea fishing trip with his friends, and then camping with them.  None of his children sent him so much as a birth day card.  He received texts and a phone call (perhaps even initiated by himself) from them to wish him happy birthday.  (I did not expect it from his S as S is now homeless and we don't know where he is.  His cell phone is out of service. But I at least expected it from his Ds.)

I pointed out just how infuriated I was over this, and H says, "Oh, I am good with it."  What a coward!  I told him for all he does for his children (vacations, rehab, luxury items, etc.) not getting so much as a card is a slap in the face.  And then H shoots the messenger (me) and tells me it's OK by him.

It does not take much to buy a card these days as they sell them in food stores and sundry stores.  They cost less than a take out coffee.  I am so disappointed that these selfish children can't even think to send a card to the father they claim to love so much.  Usually as birthdays approach, they are all over him with calls and flattery and he will open his wallet without restraint.

For me, if I so much as disapppoint him (chores not done on his schedule, I am ill and need a trip to the doctor, etc.) he will explode, scream how much he does for him and how I don't appreciate him and, of course, tell me he wants a divorce. 

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H has not only selective memory (due to dissociation) but also selective seeing, or seeing only what he wants to see.

Do others with BPD partners experience this?

As many of you know, H is enmeshed with his adult children from his first marriage.  They are all in the BPD or NPD spectrum.  They all learned as children and adolescents (they were raised by their uNPD M) that they could manipulate or emotionally blackmail their father into doing what they wished, mostly give them money or expensive gifts.  This is usually done by buttering him up or withholding affection (not replying to texts or phone calls, etc.)  This has been going on for the entirety of our 20 + years of mariage.  All of the children are around 30 years of age.   I have no more respect for my H in regards to his children, and I think him a sniveling coward.

H spent several days in a deep sea fishing trip with his friends, and then camping with them.  None of his children sent him so much as a birth day card.  He received texts and a phone call (perhaps even initiated by himself) from them to wish him happy birthday.  (I did not expect it from his S as S is now homeless and we don't know where he is.  His cell phone is out of service. But I at least expected it from his Ds.)

I pointed out just how infuriated I was over this, and H says, "Oh, I am good with it."  What a coward!  I told him for all he does for his children (vacations, rehab, luxury items, etc.) not getting so much as a card is a slap in the face.  And then H shoots the messenger (me) and tells me it's OK by him.

It does not take much to buy a card these days as they sell them in food stores and sundry stores.  They cost less than a take out coffee.  I am so disappointed that these selfish children can't even think to send a card to the father they claim to love so much.  Usually as birthdays approach, they are all over him with calls and flattery and he will open his wallet without restraint.

For me, if I so much as disapppoint him (chores not done on his schedule, I am ill and need a trip to the doctor, etc.) he will explode, scream how much he does for him and how I don't appreciate him and, of course, tell me he wants a divorce. 

[Notwendy]

I pointed out just how infuriated I was over this, and H says, "Oh, I am good with it."  What a coward!  I told him for all he does for his children (vacations, rehab, luxury items, etc.) not getting so much as a card is a slap in the face.  And then H shoots the messenger (me) and tells me it's OK by him.

This is a pattern I've seen in your threads. You point out the failings of his children, hoping your H will agree, and he doesn't. It even triggers his anger.

This fits the classic Karpman triangle. You attempt to get your H to "see the light" about his children. You take rescuer position when you do this. You assume your H in this situation is victim, that he can't see how his children are treating him poorly- and you feel you need to tell him.

Your H on the other hand sees this as an attack- an insult to him. He hears " you idiot, your kids are brats and you are a pushover, and bad father". How do you think someone would respond to this? Even someone without BPD could get angry at this statement.

So, he then takes victim mode, and also puts his kids in victim mode. You are persecutor. He then responds against this insult/attack by being angry at you.

From your threads it seems this is a typical pattern.

I know you have contempt for your H, and it's apparent. But you are still living with him. What is the effect of these statements? Do they lead to change for the better or just more contempt between the two of you?

I'm not asking you to like him or to make excuses for him. You have every right to defend yourself if he treats you poorly. But for things that occur between his kids and him, like not sending him a birthday card- what good does it do to comment on this? He's not going to change the way he sees his kids. It only leads to more hostility. Even if that's OK with you, it makes things more difficult when sharing a living space. I get that you are done with making things better between you two, but why make things worse?

[Notwendy]

On the "selective sight"

BPD affects the most intimate relationships the most, and you are still the most close person. So the issues between the two of you will be more affected. He will react to you more than he does his children.

So they could do something hurtful like not send a birthday card, and he is less likely to be upset by that than by something you have said or done.

It's not necessarily a personal things but about how these dynamics work. Someone with BPD appears to be nicer and better behaved with others like friends, co-workers than the spouse, but they are actually keeping their mask on better and also holding it together better with the people they are less intimate with due to the nature of the disorder. 

[Witz_End]

It's not necessarily a personal things but about how these dynamics work. Someone with BPD appears to be nicer and better behaved with others like friends, co-workers than the spouse, but they are actually keeping their mask on better and also holding it together better with the people they are less intimate with due to the nature of the disorder. 

This is so well put and exactly the struggle.  There is a lot of irony and mixed signal to it... "you matter so much to me that I want to give you my dysfunction and hand others my gold."  What they need the most is someone to accept them fully for who they are so they can open up and let them in, but the reward for being let in is to become the punching bag.  There's the self-fulfilling prophesy, because you end up learning it's better to know them from outside their innermost circle.

But there is blindness.  The mechanisms inside protect that blindness, perception warping to be able to deny, anger lashing back as a protective desperation if you push, threatening the perception.

It's frustrating as hell, right?  "If they could just see... and see the damage they're doing..."

Sometimes there'll be those windows where you almost think they can, like they might be open to it, but it's illusion.  I saw one last night talking to my wife and so wanted to lay things out in hope, but realized it's like a tempting trap.  Their minds protect certain perceptions and there's a dragon at the gate.

[AskingWhy]

NW and WE, thank you.

I think you are both right.  I need to back off all the way.  H sees them as perfection, and will tolerate any amount of abuse from them.  On the other hand, he perceives the slightest short coming in me and I immediately get treated to a screaming, hollering dysregulation and a divorce threat.

I think I will just have to back off and let the chips fall where they will.

The S is no where to be found as he is likely homeless again.  No cell phone service. Most likely back to drugs and alcohol.  He will turn up when he needs money, or he gets arrested and we get a call from jail.

As for his two Ds (one uBPD and the other uNPD), it should be interesting as H paid to have one visit the other.  They are like oil and water, and the sibling rivalry is vicious.  H is oblivious to this and thinks they both get along so well.  It's interesting to watch them take very subtle swipes at each other under their F's nose.

Each phone call between the two women ends in a shouting match with one likely hanging up.  I have known them since they were young children, and there was always the undercurrent of the rivalry.  Likely the uBPD D will end up treating us to yet another histrionic suicide attempt at some point.  She already abuses drugs and alcohol, so this is almost a certainty.  

H has long said he wanted to "reveal" himself to me but was too scared I might "use it against him."  I know enough about his FOO to point the finger at his uNPD F who split his younger B and himself.  B was the "all good" while he was "all bad."  The irony now is that B is a drug addict and barely employed while H had a sterling career retired from the military and an exemplary corporate second career.  FIL never hesistates to come begging for money.  

I might just have to sit back, pour myself a glass of sweet tea and enjoy the PLEASE READ show.

[Witz_End]

I might just have to sit back, pour myself a glass of sweet tea and enjoy the $hit show.

If "sweet tea" is code for wine, then yes.

[AskingWhy]

If "sweet tea" is code for wine, then yes.

In a front table to the PLEASE READ show!

[Red5]

If "sweet tea" is code for wine, then yes.

Tiny Bubbles – "Marching Jody"

Tiny bubbles… in my wine, makes me happy, all the time : )

Red5

[Witz_End]

Tiny Bubbles – "Marching Jody"

Tiny bubbles … in my wine, … makes me happy, ... all the time : )

Yup.  Gotcha.  9 years in the Army, myself.

[GaGrl]

Yup.  Gotcha.  9 years in the Army, myself.

OK, this is for laugh. When my DH was posted in Germany, he had a Major in his battalion with the surname Bubbles. AND... the man might have been 5'6" if he stood up real straight. So of course, the men called him Tiny Bubbles behind his back. And woe to anyone if Major Bubbles overheard the nickname!