Can people with BPD be genuinely sorry but unable to change their behaviour?

[magic78]

I posted recently about that I thought I had been charmed. I now see how it was actually me who opened up the line of communication & she was just latching on to it.

She has now come back with a massive email asking me what I am actually sorry for? Saying if I want to be horrible then go ahead. Saying I was cruel for ignoring her for 10 months. Saying I didn’t love her because I could do this. Saying that I will never understand what I did was cruel. I went back & told her in a nice way that I didn’t ignore her I removed myself from the toxic situation & her verbal abuse & reminded her that she broke up with me for the probably the 30th time telling me she didn’t love me no more then wished me dead & accused me of cheating. She couldn’t wait for a reply & emailed me again saying “So if you’re going to say sorry say sorry for that, if you want to be genuine and nice then id rather you said sorry for that and explained without been hard faced. But that’s never going to happen, because you can’t and never will be able to. If you could then yeah id forgive you but until then don’t bother”

She must have then received my email giving her an earful & she has apologised & said she was only nasty because she missed me & she was drinking a lot because I had hurt her & she wanted to die. She is saying that she can see now that she was in the wrong & her behaviour was disgusting & she doesn't blame me for ignoring her. She said it serves her right for not listening. She is really reeling me in now I can feel myself believing her!

We chatted last night & she also admitted that her boyfriend didn’t know we were chatting because she didn’t think it was inappropriate so another lie! She even asked me a question that only I would know the answer so that she knew it was me. So she knows she is doing wrong. This begs the question was she doing this when we were dating? She was always accusing me of speaking to other women but she was very suspicious with her phone. I don't feel comfortable speaking to her while this poor guy doesn't know. It feels like she is seeing if I will get back with her. The emails did turn sexual on her part also. So she has no problem speaking like this when she is with someone. This is even if she is with someone but I have had 2 reliable people tell me she definitely is & I did see her boyfriends relationship status change with her name in it before I blocked him. I told her straight that It was just friendly chat & I didn't want her to get the wrong impression. She said "If you meant you don't want to give false impressions as in you don't ever want me back,then trust me i'm fully aware of that,who would after that". I felt this was another manipulative sentence. She then went on to give me her mobile. How can she do this when she is with someone? I couldn't do this to another human being but it appears she has no issue in what I would class as emotionally cheating!

She has pulled on my heart strings saying she still wears my necklace & still has everything  gave her. I really think that her apology is genuine since she said there's no excuse for it & she see what she did was wrong.

I am baffled what to do now? I feel sorry for her but I don't think I should be speaking to her & I cant see how she could have changed in 10 months. Is it just a fake apology? She said last time we broke up she wanted to die. I am scared if I ignore her again & go NC she will do something bad but she is dating someone & it goes against my nature to talk to her while she is with someone.

[once removed]

the short answer is yes: anyone can be genuinely sorry but unable to, or have difficulty changing their behavior.

people with BPD traits especially; they dont have adult coping skills or relationship skills.

it seems like the two of you have unfinished business. if you want to break the cycle, you will likely have to lead.

[magic78]

the short answer is yes: anyone can be genuinely sorry but unable to, or have difficulty changing their behavior.

people with BPD traits especially; they dont have adult coping skills or relationship skills.

it seems like the two of you have unfinished business. if you want to break the cycle, you will likely have to lead.

I was thinking back over the last 7 years that I've known her. She's always sounded  genuinely sorry after each time of the 30 break ups she's  started but just repeated the behaviour..

How do I break the cycle? What can I do more than I've already done? After the 29th time of her dumping me I finally set my first boundary but she called this manipulative. I said if it happened again it was over for good and it happened again. She said she didn't love me no more. We've spoke about it and she said she said because she thought I didn't. So again blaming me. I'm out of ideas and mentally drained.

[Starfire]

I was thinking back over the last 7 years that I've known her. She's always sounded  genuinely sorry after each time of the 30 break ups she's  started but just repeated the behaviour..

How do I break the cycle? What can I do more than I've already done? After the 29th time of her dumping me I finally set my first boundary but she called this manipulative. I said if it happened again it was over for good and it happened again. She said she didn't love me no more. We've spoke about it and she said she said because she thought I didn't. So again blaming me. I'm out of ideas and mentally drained.

You know how to break the cycle.  You've done it once already.

Typically, people with BPD don't make any sort of progress towards high functioning relationships without a lot of hard work in specialized therapy.  But if you're really focused on detaching, this isn't about her progress.  It's about yours. 

[valet]

I was thinking back over the last 7 years that I've known her. She's always sounded  genuinely sorry after each time of the 30 break ups she's  started but just repeated the behaviour..

How do I break the cycle? What can I do more than I've already done? After the 29th time of her dumping me I finally set my first boundary but she called this manipulative. I said if it happened again it was over for good and it happened again. She said she didn't love me no more. We've spoke about it and she said she said because she thought I didn't. So again blaming me. I'm out of ideas and mentally drained.

7 years. 30 breakups. i'd say that's a good sample size for you to make a decision here.

what do you want out of a relationship? what does being in a relationship look like to you?

[gotbushels]

magic78  

Can people with BPD be genuinely sorry but unable to change their behaviour?

I think yes. My ex was repeatedly doing things that she was sorry for. Many things she wasn't sorry for.

I think for behavioural change, with many people it's a big challenge. A bit like trying to lift a tennis ball with chopsticks. For managing a BP—it felt like a trying to lift a beach ball. Can be done—but why would you do it?

Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor. The lighthouse can’t uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, “Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!”
No, the ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship’s decisions. All it can do is be the best lighthouse it knows how to be.

Source.

So then we see we want someone to change. I think to some degree that's pretty normal. People want their friends to change, their fellow workers to change, their spouses to change. "I wish my friend/boss/wife did X." Then we look inward, do we as SO's have an abnormal want to change someone. If so—why?


I agree with some of the other members here.

Working through using chopsticks with a T makes things way easier.

You'll want to take the lead, like your role as emotional caretaker, to bring yourself through the breakup (wherever you're at with her) to a place you want the relationship to be. That also includes no relationship too—e.g., I wouldn't want to start a family with someone who's in bed with someone else.

You'll want to focus on results rather than the doing. 7 years and 30 breakups is what happened, it's also a result. Personally, I had 1.5 years and 40++ breakups. Thank our stars this isn't a contest—but focus on the numbers for a minute here. If the market you're measuring says 0–2 breakups is 'normal' for a long lasting relationship, why are you breaking up 30 times? Whatever you were doing together was causing that result, so why keep sticking it out? You can see it's a bit like being at the roulette table—"This has got to work in my favour, logically, eventually!" BP relationships don't work like this.

Enjoy your weekend.

[Turkish]

She may be genuinely sorry in the moment, or longer, but the overriding need is to soothe emotions which is driven by survival.  The underlying core emotion of a pwBPD is shame,  "my feelings are worthless, therefore I am worthless." Your boundaries triggered that shame.

I've received apologies in the past, but when I stepped back, I realized that such apologies centred around her being soothed and assuaged of her guilt (shame), as such, they rang hollow. 

"I never should have left you! I'm sorry. " After things with her boy-toy cum husband imploded spectacularly.

"I'm sorry for all my wrongdoings." Not, "I'm sorry I hurt you."

I recycled once, then tried unsuccessfully a second time.  The key to moving on and healing is to step out of the dance of dysfunction no matter what the other person says, regardless of what we view as valid or not on our parts. I took a lot of immature accusations, challenges to my manhood, my character, my mental health. In retrospect, I should have let her think and feel how she did rather than trying to change it.  That's impossible.