I am equal parts terrified and excited about this journey toward recovery

[Once Was Lost]

My wife and I have been married 35 years. It has been a rough ride and we recently came to the precipice of divorce for the second time. My wife suggested counseling which I agreed to. In our 2nd session our therapist stopped my wife from using her usual demeaning and condescending manner with me. It was the moment I realized that I was not imagining the verbal and emotional abuse I’ve lived with for so many years. On the advice of the couples therapist, I sought out a therapist and after 5 visits she recommended I read Stop Walking On Eggshells. There it was. In black and white. My life. The brainwashing, the raging, the bottomless pit of need for reassurances that I love her. She has not been “diagnosed” with any disorder but I know her childhood background and with the information I’ve read, it is clear to me that this is what I’m dealing with.

I am just beginning to explore how to move forward with this new information. I am NOT looking to leave this marriage but I can’t stay and survive with things like they are now. Especially now that I know what is happening.

I am not nearly as isolated as I once was, but I have not yet found someone in my circle I ready to confide in so I am looking here for some initial support and feedback.

I have been working on improving my own conditions for a few weeks now and am looking forward to implementing changes that might improve our marriage and hopefully her life as well. The hardest part for me so far is to acknowledge just how much of myself I have lost. But, I am a strong person and I can already feel the real me coming back to life.

I am equal parts terrified and excited about this journey toward recovery. I’m hoping there are answers and advice to be found here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdKnight]

Now that you have this new knowledge how do you see things going forward from here?

What major changes do you thing you will make?

[Ozzie101]

Hi, Once Was Lost! Welcome!

I, too, dealt with emotional and verbal abuse and had that "ah-ha" moment, though my timeframe was MUCH shorter (less than a year). I'm so sorry you're in this position and have had to put up with it for so long.

You're in luck because you came to the right place. Your experience is familiar to us here and we have experience, skills and tools that we're happy to share. And lots of support to give.

That's wonderful that you're excited about this and rediscovering yourself. That will be so valuable to you going forward.

I'll echo ColdKnight. What changes are you looking to implement? What parts of your relationship are you focusing on?

[Red5]

Hello Once Was Lost,

I too remember the "borderline epiphany"… like crawling out of a dark wet mineshaft into the sunlight… wow!

A couple more books for your reading list OWL,

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship…
*Book by Christine Ann Lawson

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions From Destroying Your Relationship…
*Book by Shari Y. Manning

Codependent No More...
*Book by Melody Beattie

Most of these are reviewed here on the boards, groups… look under "Community Built Knowledge Base".

I've found some have been uploaded onto YouTube as audio books as well.

Welcome ! & Keep Posting, Kind Regards, Red5

[Once Was Lost]

Thank you for the replies. Answering the question - where do I see things going from here - is tough right now. I am currently trying to educate myself on what steps I need to take to minimize the impact this is having on me. Having a good therapist should be very helpful on that score.

There have also been some encouraging signs that my wife recognizes that at least some of our issues are a result of “the baggage she is carrying around”. She has a therapist lined up and I will  give her time to see if she is willing to really engage and work to improve our relationship. 

I entered into this relationship knowing her childhood history. I have a lot to give if we can find ways to reduce the conflict levels. So, I am working on my “must have” list of changes and a list of “would like to have” changes in order to evaluate progress. We both know that the exit option is always there should either of us reach that point.

As this journey progresses, I’m certain I will be asking for your real world do’s and don’ts and thoughts on possible strategies.

[Ozzie101]

Good for you. I hope you'll keep posting (in your own threads and the threads of others -- that can be so helpful in many ways). And if you have any questions or need any advice, don't hesitate to ask. We can't promise to know the answers, but we can help work through problems.