The Silent Treatment

[Rosheger]

It is now over 2 months of silence from my dtr.  We had been getting along well in past few months upon her moving back to my area.  Something I said caused her to retreat.  I know now from what I am learning about BPD that she felt invalidated by me even though I thought I had delicately chosen my words.  I’m learning communicating with someone with BPD is a whole different language!  She has asked for “space” and it’s over 2 months.  I miss her.  Do I continue to wait for her to come to me or is there something I can do to get us back in touch?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Rosheger,
Times of no contact with adult children with BPD are rough. I doubt it is all about what you said (whatever that was) so I hope you aren't blaming yourself. You are wise to realize that communicating with a person who has BPD is different from communicating with others. I would wait until your daughter contacts you. In the meantime, maybe brush up on your communication skills. Things really can get better. Don't lose hope.
hugs
Faith

[Rosheger]

Thank you Faith.  Just starting reading “when your daughter has BPD - very helpful!

[FaithHopeLove]

Just starting reading “when your daughter has BPD - very helpful!

That's great. Another book you may like is "Loving Someone with BPD" by Shari Manning.

[livednlearned]

She has asked for “space” and it’s over 2 months.  I miss her.  Do I continue to wait for her to come to me or is there something I can do to get us back in touch?

It's a good sign that she was able to ask for space.

Do you remember what you said and how she took it?

[Rosheger]

Yes I do.  For several months she had bern saying how very abandoned she had felt by her family, mostly me, when she needed us/me the most (after she moved out of home in her 20’s/early 30’s.  She lived with a NPD/addict boyfriend for 5 years, became addicted to adderall, pot and alcohol. She was a mess and this was long before I heard of BPD.  I did everything I could to keep her alive- therapy, rehab, money.  Her dad did not help.  I nearly lost my sanity, my now husband, and finances.  She treated me very badly.  We lost touch until the last year, when she moved back to this area.  I have very much been enjoying having a mother/dtr relat at last and was beginning to feel more relaxed with her.  She was nicer to me than she has been for a very long time.  My therapist suggested I ask about my dtr’s feeling abandoned so the next time my dtr brought it up, I said i was sorry she felt that way but that I didnt abandon her, that I loved her and worried sick about her.  I even cried.  She was clearly surprised and I could feel her body language stiffen.  We parted politely and then she went silent.  I sent her several texts trying to understand why she got quiet.  After ignoring several, she responded telling me she needed space, that she was fine.  That was several weeks ago.  I became aware of this site a few weeks ago and am now reading loving someone with BPD and the daughter one.  All so eye opening! esp learning I’ve been doing everything wrong! I am learning a whole new language!

[FaithHopeLove]

Just a thought, maybe your daughter felt threatened by having her abandonment narrative challenged. I mean, if she FEELS abandoned, whether that happened or it, that is her reality. She may not know WHY she feels abandoned. She just assumes she must have been. Otherwise her feelings make no sense and that is scary. Then you confront her with evidence she was not abandoned. What is she going to do with that feeling now? Where is there a hook to hang it on?  She doesn't know. She just knows that being with the person who threatened her narrative is scary to her so she tries to put space between you.Does that make sense? Like I said, just a thought that may or may not apply. I am soo glad you are learning the communications skills. You are right. It is another language. It reminds me of when my dad was dying of dementia. I had to learn "dementia-ese" meaning validation of his feelings, not arguing with his delusions. I hope things get better soon between you and your beloved daughter. Hang in there.
hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
I wonder how playing this game of validating the feeling, but not addressing the inaccuracy of their deeply held incorrect beliefs actually at some point changes the narrative for them?
Psychologically speaking, does it allow them to sit with these painful emotions with their parent’s support long enough to calm their brain down so they can start seeing truth at some point.
Like Roshegar, I’m very big on accuracy and am quite a rational thinker. Inaccuracy is extremely difficult to sit with as it feels like I’m living a lie. It’s one of my biggest struggles with DD and DS.
This topic is very helpful. Thanks, you two!

[FaithHopeLove]

My experience with my son is validating feelings does give him some space to rethink his narrative. At least it takes him out of panic mode. Most of the time.

[livednlearned]

Validation is generous listening.

The generosity is about giving the other person time to say what she wants to say, to express feelings she wants to express. Lots of space, and quite a bit of patience.

For her, feelings equal facts. That means she is likely processing emotions and thoughts at a much different pace than you. We do the same thing when we're emotional, but someone with BPD will likely be experiencing the roll of emotions more intensely. She'll be quicker to trigger, and slower to return to baseline. You're talking about how you felt and she's still churning emotionally around the feelings associated with her perceived abandonment.

It can be helpful to think of validation as a learning curve. The first step is to pay attention to what happens when your own emotions are on tilt. Sometimes what the other person is saying is true, but you aren't ready to hear it yet. Your feelings are going through a cycle and must be processed and regulated. Then, when you're at baseline, you can take in the words a bit better.

We -- people who identify as being rational -- tend to move quickly and rush in without giving emotions space to do their thing. We're emotionally quick and tidy. Sweep sweep push it over here get to the next thing.

If you're like me, validating questions can be especially helpful. They helped me bridge that uncomfortable place between the agony of saying nothing "I can't believe she is saying this" and slowing down the pace to "Oh?" "And then what happened?"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

Also, I'm wondering if your daughter felt that you were looking for validation? To assuage your feelings about what it was like during the time she felt abandoned? If so, and she is like many people with BPD, she'll have above average needs for validation and below average abilities to provide it.

These are not intuitive skills and for most of us, they have to be learned (and learned again, and again, and again). Be kind to yourself and have self-compassion if you can. She moved back to the area and is trying -- she let you know she's ok and needs space. These are positive signs  

[Rosheger]

Thank you all.  I like that “validation is generous listening”.
Her birthday is in a few days and I plan to mail her a card acknowledging it.  And let it be at that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

A simple birthday card sounds like a great idea.

[PeaceMom]

LNL,
This is an excellent explanation. Of how the rational parent inadvertently rarely validates their BPD kid. Wow. You just described my whole parenthood-quick, neat and tidy.

Roshegar, the simple card seems just right!