Part 2: Update: She signed a lease. She's moving out in 5 day. I'm heartbroken.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

*mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339112.0

In the mind of a borderline, no, its not … its the end of the friggen world … what did she say to me … YOU RED5 NEVER LISTEN TO ME, YOU DID IT ALL WRONG, NOW ITS RUINED! … and she snatches the claw hammer from my hand, and starts RIPPING it all down : (

*true story : (

OMG this is my wife too.

I need to do some deep ruminating too … that seems to take up a lot of my energy … but at some pint, … er point; years ago now, I came to the epiphany, that its not ALL me … gaslighting be damned … no!
Keep Posting SH4!
Red5
 

PINT...LOL  Nice slip my friend.

Anyway, are you sure that we aren't married to the same woman because it sure seems like it.  I need some pointers on how to get through Saturday.  She asked me not to be there because she doesn't want to deal with my crying and have to say goodbye.  DO I stay and try and hold it together or do I just leave for the day?

Thanks,

SH4

[Stillhopeful4]

*mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339112.0

In the mind of a borderline, no, its not … its the end of the friggen world … what did she say to me … YOU RED5 NEVER LISTEN TO ME, YOU DID IT ALL WRONG, NOW ITS RUINED! … and she snatches the claw hammer from my hand, and starts RIPPING it all down : (

*true story : (

OMG this is my wife too.

I need to do some deep ruminating too … that seems to take up a lot of my energy … but at some pint, … er point; years ago now, I came to the epiphany, that its not ALL me … gaslighting be damned … no!
Keep Posting SH4!
Red5
 

PINT...LOL  Nice slip my friend.

Anyway, are you sure that we aren't married to the same woman because it sure seems like it.  I need some pointers on how to get through Saturday.  She asked me not to be there because she doesn't want to deal with my crying and have to say goodbye.  DO I stay and try and hold it together or do I just leave for the day?

Thanks,

SH4

[Enabler]

Leave. Respect her wishes and remove yourself from inevitable drama.

[Red5]

I echo Enabler, take your son, and ya’ll go and have a Mom & Son day, maybe a picture show, out to eat someplace fun, take care of you, and your Son.

I know this is hard, and sounds like you’ve been through it before several times over the course of your marriage.

And when you go out, turn off your phone.

Let your wife be... let her have her own drama to herself.

I’d be “strictly business” from here to the next ‘buoy’... ‘waypoint’.

You take the “high road”.

Hang in there SH4,

Red5

[Enabler]

I missed your response about her blaming you for the last fling... I really think me you and red are married to the same woman... almost word for word!

Remember your son in all of this, this must be very chaotic for him and also incredibly confusing. I don’t know how and what you’re doing to deal with that side of things. Give him some of your time and try and connect with him. Like I said before, showing your wife what a loving relationship looks like and making a place for it includes other members of your family as well. Be best in class and protect that space.

“People in my family don’t ________ , you’re welcome in if you don’t _________ “

[Stillhopeful4]

Thank you Red & Enabler,

These next 24 hours are going to be very difficult.  I haven't slept through the night in over a week, nor has she.  I'm going to miss her so much.

I'm going to try to keep myself busy tomorrow, I don't know how to stop the sickness in my stomach.  I love her so much and she just doesn't believe it and that hurts.  A lot of things hurt.

I have been spending time with my son.  He's been extra sweet to me.  He is very close to her and I know he's struggling with it too.

Thanks for listening guys, I really appreciate you!

SH4

[Enabler]

I'll be thinking of you over the weekend. The storm WILL pass.

Try and be strong for your son. It's good to show weakness but remember who's the adult and who's the kid here.

Enabler xx

[Red5]

I'll be thinking of you over the weekend. The storm WILL pass.

Me2 SH4… keep posting as you have time, hang in there, we all love you and care about you !

Red5

[Stillhopeful4]

Red & Enabler,

Thank you so much.  That means so much to me.  I actually brought tears to my eyes.  I'm scared, I really am.  I'm scared she's not going to realize how much she does love me and I'm going to lose her forever.  "T" told me that she's aware she's left many times before, but "this time feels very different".  He thinks she's gone, gone...

SH4

[Enabler]

Each time feels very different. My wife has left me 3x now, 2x moves out and 1x expected me to move out which I did for a while. Each time felt different. Each time was shrouded in circumstantial noise, reasons, blame and behavioural changes on my part. Each time was more dramatic than the last. I couldn’t say last time that I knew she would return as much as I couldn’t say the first time... or as much as I can’t say that she won’t go through with the divorce this time. Each time felt intense, each time was real and each time I feared the worst...,... until now I don’t fear the worst, because I know this is the worst bit, I will rebuild if ‘that’ happens, I will survive because I have a unique set of skills that allows me to turn my hand to anything I wish. I’m not going to be flustered by a toilet that doesn’t flush, or quiver because I’ve only got some pasta and a can of tinned toms in the cupboard. I’m not going to have to work out how to pay an electricity bill for the first time or save money for a holiday in 6m time. I don’t care if I’m alone in a dark house because there’s a power cut so I can’t WhatsApp my friends because the wifi doesn’t work. I’m happy to be alone with my feelings, I’m happy to be alone with the memories of the things I’ve done in my life. I can engage other people in honest conversations and moore than happy to be vulnerable.

I love my wife, I can’t help that. Does she deserve my love all the time, definitely not. Will she return to the relationship... I don’t know, and I don’t know if your wife will return either. BUT we will both survive, the sun will shine and you will feel the cold splashes of rain against your face, you will not die and you will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of this relationship (the next one even if it is with her will be a new different one... Ester ______? On infidelity, YouTube).

Focus on your boy, let your W do her thing and keep the home fires burning until YOU decide to move on. The future is exciting for us all.

Enabler   

Ps little mind trick, when you’re scared, say to yourself “I’m excited, I’m excited, I’m excited”... just because we fear the unknown doesn’t mean it’s no going to be freakin’ awesome!

[Stillhopeful4]

Awww Enabler,

THIS is GREAT!  It's so positive and I love every bit of it.  Thank you so much for these helpful tools and thank you for all of you support during this difficult time.  I love her so much and I am just going take it one day at a time and wait and see.  I'm so glad to have met you and Red on here and it's amazing to find people in almost the exact same situation!

Thanks again,
((Hugs)

SH4

[Red5]

Our thoughts are with you today SH4!

Hang in there, tell us how you are doing when you can.

Red5

[gadget]

SH4,

My thoughts and prayers are with you too.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I'm sure it is for you too.  We are all here for you and each other.  And it does help.

Gadget

[blackorchid]

My partner may be a he but he could also be all your wives too. Hope you’re doing ok SH4.

It’s scary how many of us are I. Exactly the same position ...

[blackorchid]

Also Red and Enabler. When we ruminate on things what are we supposed to do after?

[Enabler]

SH4,

How you baring up? Been thinking about you this weekend.

Enabler xxx

[Enabler]

Also Red and Enabler. When we ruminate on things what are we supposed to do after?

Hey Blackorchid,

I guess it depends on how you ruminate, if you problem solve when you ruminate then ultimately you might come to a point of understanding or a bunch more questions but things to think about... but you should have got some of the bits of the puzzle  closer to looking like a picture.  Now, you may not come up with all the reasons for why what happened happened but you may even come to conclusions why you may never know those answers, and accept that.

I was at my T the other week and we talked about the fact that even if my wife and I had some miraculous about turn and I asked her to be accountable for her infidelity, the likelihood is that she would never be 100% truthful about it. That leaves me in a place where I know that I can never have trust that I know the full truth... but, that gives me a choice, accept that and move on, or not. Having a choice is empowering.

Does that make sense?

Enabler

[Red5]

...guess it depends on how you ruminate, if you problem solve when you ruminate then ultimately you might come to a point of understanding or a bunch more questions but things to think about...

Ruminating...

My thesaurus says that ruminating can have alternate meanings, one is “introspection”... I call this taking inventory, coinciding with the endless replays, and “what if’s”... and it’s not long till I’m “up a tree”... and all full of self inflicted anxiety and worry, also fear and sadness.

I rummage through the crash debris looking for “witness marks” on the crumpled and wrecked flight controls (metaphorically)...

“Why”... and how did the Swiss cheese model line up until there as a clean shot through all the holes resulting in relationship chaos and breakdown, crash...

Over time, I’ve learned to divert this expensive emotional energy to something else... it’s is not emotionally, mentally healthy to remain there at the “crash site”, wondering, and wishing that things were different,

We miss the good times, what we know now as intermittent positive reward... waiting for our partners to smile at us, and say that “everything will be alright”...

A hostage situation, a one oxygen tank for two divers situation... how many times have we set ourselves up for this repeating scenario... like the Legionarie who crawls over the last sand dune, and he sees an oasis... but it’s just a mirage...

So what to do about (negative energy) ruminating, I to try divert myslef...  get out of the funk, and the fog, first off I breath, as if you did not know it, most times when are thinking about negative things, we actually stop breathing, or else reduce our breaths to the point that our flight-fight-freeze is initated... the “amygdala”...

First... if I’m really bad off, I count senses... touch, sight, hearing, smell, taste ... what do I see right then, hear, feel, touch, even taste... where am I, the “here and now”.

I may go outside, take in the air, smells... what do I hear, birds perhaps... the ocean, a train, a dog barking... if it is night, I gaze up at the stars...

Once I’m back to a centered level horizon... I follow up with positive thoughts... so things pretty much suck... yeah, but hey... I’ve got a roof over my head, there is hot and cold running running water, electricity... and I have a bed to sleep in tonight, I’ve got my pup here with me, and those two silly stray cats that live here too... and my Son.

I continue... now that she is gone... what can I do to make this place my own... perhaps new paint, maybe clean up the yard, and the garden again... maybe a new leather couch... maybe take the boat out this weekend... maybe buy that new Husqvarna chainsaw I’ve been eyeballing at Tractor Supply,

I take inventory... I have a good job, an awesome job in fact...my kids, great neighbors... my Church, old friends that have been through the same thing as me... I have a savings account, an old truck, and a Jeep... and many fond and happy memories of the 53 years I’ve been on this earth...

She is gone, I miss her, she doesn’t seem to want to come along with me and fix this, she even has a new home now, she is so angry still...

But life must go on, the bills got to get payed, chores, work responsibility... work travel coming up, there is grocery shopping to do, lots to stay occupied by, other than sitting here thinking about her, and why she left, and why she doesn’t want to come back home...

...And!... hurricane Dorian will be here on Thursday night!

Tomorrow morning, my Son and I will drive to Lillington NC to pick up the new generator I purchased... to replace the old that I “smoke-checked” last year...because the power will go out again, for days, just as it did a year ago when Florence came to town...

Need to top off the “jerry cans”, need to break out the hurricane kit, and make make sure we are ready for heavy and destructive weather...

Yes lots to do, no time to waste...

It’s all about mindfulness, and being one with yourself, “cognitive skills”...

My Grandmother, whom grew up in the Great Deppresion... had eight children, and was married to Grampa for 67 years, she used to tell me when I was a young boy, “what don’t kill,you outright son, will make you stronger bye and bye”... another “Grannism”... “better learn how to fry an egg boy, and how to make your biscuits from scratch... you might have to ‘hoof’ it on your own one day”... one more, “count your many blessings name them one by one, and pretty soon you’ll know what the Lord has done”...

She was direct and correct in all respects...a tough woman whom Iived to be 91.

Post back when you can SH4,

Hope your doing alright,

Hope this helps 

Hang in there SH4 & blackorchid,

Kind regards, Red5

[blackorchid]

Hope that you’ll be ok Red and that Dorian doesn’t hit you! 

[gadget]

Good points for us All Red5.  Thank you!  Your stories always help me.

Blackorchid - Hang in there.  All the stories here seem so similar.  I have difficulties almost daily, but I meditate, go to therapy, do many of the things Red5 mentions.  It all helps.  I do miss her and I’m sure you miss your SO too.  But with friends, family, roof over our heads. We all have more than we lost though the hurt is tremendous.

I try these days to think more about myself than why she left.  I pray she will come back one day.  I hope you find peace and support here among friends that have similar experiences. 

Gadget

[blackorchid]

Thank you Gadget. How long has your SO Been gone?

[gadget]

My wife has been gone 3 months now.  Has her own apartment about 10 minutes from our house.  She still comes over 3-4 times a week to help with our special needs son and visit our new 5 month old grandson that lives with me, my daughter and son-in-law.

Gadget

[blackorchid]

I’m so sorry gadget. That must be so hard. That she is so close but yet so far

[gadget]

Thank you.  It is hard,  but I do see small things that give me hope.  She still sometimes calls me hun or babe.  She cuts my hair when needed without me asking her.  She comes over an extra day to watch my son so I can go to therapy.

I told her I should graduate college by the end of this year and I want to walk in the graduation ceremony that is another state.  She offered to watch our son, even overnight so I could go.

We co-parent very well together.  And can have co-worker office like talk very well.  Just zero talk of us yet.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi,

Thank you all for your support.  It was a VERY difficult weekend and I'm still struggling.  I'm so hurt and feel so empty.  I had all the kids with me over the weekend so that was helpful.  This weekend coming I will be alone. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I miss her so much.  I love her so much.  I'm going to try and keep busy, that's all I can do, if someone asks me, I cry...sometimes I just start crying for no reason.

I know I need to focus on me and get healthy, but I'm not sure I know how.

Thanks again,
SH4

[Enabler]

Great to hear from you.

Like I said before... there's a process for grief, don't suppose that you "should" be doing anything other than being mindful of the thoughts you are feeling now. You will slip to the next stage and the next stage and the next stage when you're dang well ready.

What are you going to do next weekend? It's good that you have the foresight that you know these things are coming up... maybe... and this is just me being me... know that you have a rubbish weekend coming up where you're going to have a lot of 'you time' and ROAR into it. Get some weaponry prepared like a good film or 5, don't plan on doing anything major, but think of things you could do like going for a walk somewhere if you need to pull the rip cord. Then... just sweat it out, mull things over and come out the other side. Run away from it and it will catch up with you.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

Enabler - Thanks, right now my plans this weekend are to stay in bed and cry.  I have 3 days to change that around.  I have to.  This is so hard.  Not talking, not texting.  I miss her and my dog so much.

Red - Thank you and please stay safe down there when it comes to Dorian!

Gadget - Thinking of you too.  She has moved only 10 minutes away as well.  I won't get to see her very often, but maybe with time...I'm praying.

Blackorchid - Thinking of you too.  How was your first weekend home?  Did you reach out to him?

I really love you guys and appreciate all of your support.

SH4

[Enabler]

Why does that need to change?

1 weekend... not months of weekends. Make time for it, endure it... come through the other side.

Enabler

[Harri]

This thread has been locked as it reached the post limit.  The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339245.msg13073855#msg13073855

Thank you