Is this just part of her plan to get me back?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, it's 10 months since my uBPD ex broke up with me telling me she had lost all feelings for me. I went no contact as i had finally had enough of these break up cycles. They were happening very regularly. She tried charming me 5 times and once by telling me a pretty serious lie which I discovered the truth recently. Along with the break ups she constantly needed my attention and she was forever accusing me of talking to women which I believe now was projection. If I didn't reply to texts immediately she would get nasty. Throughout the break ups which were very often she would call me some nasty horrible names.

A few week's ago, I broke no contact when I discovered she was dating. I wished her well and since then she's been emailing me with various things. She told me how perfect her boyfriend was and that if we hadn't of broke up, she would never of met him. She apologised for all the PLEASE READty things she had done to me. I pointed out that her boyfriend won't be happy us talking. She said he knew and was ok about it. She then changed her mind and said he didn't know. However, I'm not comfortable with this especially as she started talking sexual and it also made me question whether she was taking to guys when we were together like I suspected and is this way she kept accusing me?

I feel like she's trying to keep me in the background. The gist of her latest emails is to tell me how she's changed and she's not as clingy. She said she behaved like an arse and was clingy because she loved me a lot, but she is aware that she pushed me away. She was immature & she isn’t like that anymore. She see’s me as a friend & not an ex. She has nothing bad to say about me. That she is a big baby & gets emotional easy and easily upset, but that’s only because she’s really soft. She said she wasn’t feeling well & I used to know how to make her feel better. I pointed out that her new boyfriend should be making her feel better when she well & she said not everyone is alike so I am guessing she meant that he doesn’t treat her like I did. She also said she was looking through the old photos of us & she sent me one. She said she does miss me sometimes & she knows we didn’t work out & never will, but she misses me as a person & it’s crap it didn’t work out.

What I found that was strange is that she seems to be trying to drag me back in but then when I mentioned our ages as she is quite a few years younger than me she said when I am 50 she will be 35 so that would have never worked hahahah. She would mention my age a lot when we were together. This felt like she was devaluing me after love bombing.

This whole thing is confusing me. Does she even have BPD? Plenty of people have suggested that she has. She sounds very genuine however she shouldn’t be talking to me when she is in a relationship. Is this all fake to rope me back in?

[magic78]

So, it's 10 months since my uBPD ex broke up with me telling me she had lost all feelings for me. I went no contact as i had finally had enough of these break up cycles. They were happening very regularly. She tried charming me 5 times and once by telling me a pretty serious lie which I discovered the truth recently. Along with the break ups she constantly needed my attention and she was forever accusing me of talking to women which I believe now was projection. If I didn't reply to texts immediately she would get nasty. Throughout the break ups which were very often she would call me some nasty horrible names.

A few week's ago, I broke no contact when I discovered she was dating. I wished her well and since then she's been emailing me with various things. She told me how perfect her boyfriend was and that if we hadn't of broke up, she would never of met him. She apologised for all the PLEASE READty things she had done to me. I pointed out that her boyfriend won't be happy us talking. She said he knew and was ok about it. She then changed her mind and said he didn't know. However, I'm not comfortable with this especially as she started talking sexual and it also made me question whether she was taking to guys when we were together like I suspected and is this way she kept accusing me?

I feel like she's trying to keep me in the background. The gist of her latest emails is to tell me how she's changed and she's not as clingy. She said she behaved like an arse and was clingy because she loved me a lot, but she is aware that she pushed me away. She was immature & she isn’t like that anymore. She see’s me as a friend & not an ex. She has nothing bad to say about me. That she is a big baby & gets emotional easy and easily upset, but that’s only because she’s really soft. She said she wasn’t feeling well & I used to know how to make her feel better. I pointed out that her new boyfriend should be making her feel better when she well & she said not everyone is alike so I am guessing she meant that he doesn’t treat her like I did. She also said she was looking through the old photos of us & she sent me one. She said she does miss me sometimes & she knows we didn’t work out & never will, but she misses me as a person & it’s crap it didn’t work out.

What I found that was strange is that she seems to be trying to drag me back in but then when I mentioned our ages as she is quite a few years younger than me she said when I am 50 she will be 35 so that would have never worked hahahah. She would mention my age a lot when we were together. This felt like she was devaluing me after love bombing.

This whole thing is confusing me. Does she even have BPD? Plenty of people have suggested that she has. She sounds very genuine however she shouldn’t be talking to me when she is in a relationship. Is this all fake to rope me back in?

[ColdKnight]

Why did you break NC when you found out she was dating? What did you hope to gain from this? Did you really JUST want to wish her well?

[magic78]

Why did you break NC when you found out she was dating? What did you hope to gain from this? Did you really JUST want to wish her well?

I think deep down somewhere I hope that she had changed or that maybe she treated me badly because of her upbringing or that I wasn't as understanding as I could have been. Half of me was genuinely happy for her & I thought because she was in a relationship we could both move on 100% but a little bit of me was jealous & panicked in case I had got everything wrong. She was forever trying to make me jealous when we broke up & I think this recent event where I broke NC because I stumbled across a pic of her & her new boyfriend was an attempt to get me to contact her & it worked. Admittedly when I broke NC it felt really bad in my gut! It felt like I was doing something really wrong & I regretted it. However, the one thing good that came of it was showing me that she wasn't as honest as she used to make out & she did have the ability to talk to me sexually behind her boyfriends back. So, I could never trust her because of this. 

[ColdKnight]

You reached out to her so she knows she at least has you a little bit. She will use this if you let her.

I did the same and told her I wanted to get back together with her. I had been reading a lot about BPD and was pretty sure I could handle her this time.  It worked for four months until she told me she “met someone who is not embarrassed of her”.

During this four months she would give me the silent treatment, lie, stone wall and rage.

I made mistakes this go round but I honestly think I could have done everything right and I still would have lost her again. It might have given me a little more time but that’s about it.

When I met my BPD girl I thought she was the sweetest most innocent girl I’d ever met. As I got to know her i found out that within her first 3 years she had slept with at least 6 guys in the company 3 of which were married and caused one divorce.

My point being...of course she was talking to other guys, probably sleeping with them, behind your back. I know it’s harsh but I learned a harsh lesson and it’s not like I am some wide eyed idealistic church boy. Ive been around the block or two and this little girl blindsided me

-The oldest conviction in the world, That the girl you are in love with can’t possibly be anything but true and honest-
John Steinbeck, East of Eden

[magic78]

You reached out to her so she knows she at least has you a little bit. She will use this if you let her.

I did the same and told her I wanted to get back together with her. I had been reading a lot about BPD and was pretty sure I could handle her this time.  It worked for four months until she told me she “met someone who is not embarrassed of her”.

During this four months she would give me the silent treatment, lie, stone wall and rage.

I made mistakes this go round but I honestly think I could have done everything right and I still would have lost her again. It might have given me a little more time but that’s about it.

When I met my BPD girl I thought she was the sweetest most innocent girl I’d ever met. As I got to know her i found out that within her first 3 years she had slept with at least 6 guys in the company 3 of which were married and caused one divorce.

My point being...of course she was talking to other guys, probably sleeping with them, behind your back. I know it’s harsh but I learned a harsh lesson and it’s not like I am some wide eyed idealistic church boy. Ive been around the block or two and this little girl blindsided me

-The oldest conviction in the world, That the girl you are in love with can’t possibly be anything but true and honest-
John Steinbeck, East of Eden

She did say to me that she knows I still care because I contacted her.

I just feel that it's all an illusion & yeah she is probably sorry for what she did but in this moment & if the same situation happened again she would revert back to her old ways. People surely cannot change in 10 months without extensive therapy.

I can still glimpse her manipulative ways. She basically apologised for all the stuff then went on to point out my bad points & how perfect her boyfriend was. She listed everything such as he wipes her tears, is her rock, her best friend, he spoils her, makes her laugh, cheers her up. But, she is here messaging me when she feels ill & talking sexual. I mean all those times when she was accusing me of chatting to women but I was 100% loyal & had one conversation with a female neighbour in 2 years. She was very suspicious with her phone, most of the time it was bleeping or other times it was conveniently flat when we met. My gut instinct said she was chatting to other guys if not sleeping with them.

She always made out she was innocent. She's been with this new guy 3 months & she said they haven't slept together yet because she's not like that. However, I slept with her after the 3rd date before we were in a relationship.

I do not think I could ever trust her again. All the stuff she said to try & convince me that she was loyal but she's here talking with me behind her boyfriends back even sending me her mobile number & reminiscing about what we got up to in the bedroom. Was she chatting like this with her other ex? This ex's new girlfriend was apparently telling me ex to stop harassing him but according to me ex it was him & not her. I don't even believe this now.

She would pride herself on honesty. This was her excuse to talk to people like PLEASE READ. But then she lied about a relative having a terminal illness!

Of cause my stupid mind forgets all the bad bits & only remembers the good bits.

[iluminati]

How did you find out she was dating?  Was it a chance social media mention?  Do you have mutual friends or run in the same circles?  How you found out influences how you'd proceed.

[ABC123987]

Sounds like BPD behaviors.

Cycles of breakups.

The accusations of you talking to other women may be her feeling guilty about talking to other men / splitting that off / projecting onto you.

Nastiness when you don't reply quickly to texts and calling you horrible names (why would you continue with her after any name-calling?).

She is trying to keep you in some way. Unlikely she has changed, not without medium-term therapy to resolve what's going on in her.

You are reading her correctly. And you need to do some work on you, to understand why you would tolerate being treated so badly -- that's something you're allowing in order to maintain attachment with her, and it's something you need to dig into or you'll be vulnerable to it again.

My ex called a friend who knew both of us, multiple times over several months, saying how great her life was, that she had keys to her new boyfriend's place, how wonderful things were, then always: have you talked to S? (that's me). This friend said it was clear that my ex was trying to triangulate and have her convey to me how great things were for her, and to obtain information about me. I know my ex's relationships will always crash and burn at some point until she hits bottom and gets help.

Go read a short book called "Triangulation" by, I think, Amber Ault. Very very good, eye opening book.

Have strength, I know it's difficult. I still miss my ex, at least the good parts, especially the first 3 years out of the 5 we were together. But you are spot on, don't doubt yourself -- you're reading her very accurately. Up to you if you go no contact or want to stay in touch with her.

Taken me over a year of therapy for me to see my own attachment issues and resolve them. I have to thank her for me hitting bottom and deciding I needed to find out what I needed to do to 'fix' myself.