Just realized that my 38 year old daughter is BPD though I suspected

[lr479]

My daughter has annhilated me for the last time; I am ready for boundaries better than the silent treatment we had from 2017 Fall to 2018 Fall; her wedding is when she finally decided to unfreeze me and invite me to her wedding. IN 2015 she moved pretty far away and we began having awful fights on the few times we saw each other; she seemed so critical and needed to control my reactions. Her dad was NPD and I hung in 28 years with him; so I was used to going along to get along. I never thought I would be attacked verbally again after divorcing her dad in 2004; and getting healthy and remarrying a fantastic man in 2007. Then in 2013 during a visit to my home my daughter attacked; after an evening of wine. It shocked us both I think. Then a time or two in the next couple of years - but as she prepared to move away she really ramped it up. I thought it was normal seperation anxiety. After being gone a year she returned and we had one of the worst episodes ever; again we had been drinking. I vowed to never drink with her again in my home alone - and I have held to that. in 2017 she berated me by phone in a progression that ended with me writing an email to her that stated clearly my side of the argument (she never hears or lets me speak when she rages) and that led to 10 months of silence. She broke the silence to invite me to her wedding which was lovely. There is always some drama in her life and I am never appropriately "there" for her. Her inability to be alone, accountable to anyone, or to be frustrated and resolve it caused many different job losses - but her great charm and verbal skills quickly help her get a new one. I don't think she has had a job at any one place for more than 2 years. It is always "them; their fault" and never anything she does.
Last night she called to say that after a recent health scare I was only supportive a day or two; and she accelerated the symptoms of "what could be" to get my attention. No amount of apology for having not called her in 11 days (she has a husband for support) was listened to. I finally had heard enough attacking and said I would prefer in that moment to be in watching television with my husband than in a circular conversation crossing old familiar territory.
Tonight I looked up NPD; and discovered the very real BPD that fits her completely. I am tired of the dance. She is verbally skilled and I am not, at least not in the rapid-fire barbed commentary where I cannot defend myself. I write journals after each encounter; just to get to "say my words" - exactly as I did in my first marriage to her dad. I am afraid for her new marriage - I adore him and he is so kind and sweet. I almost want to take the arrows if it means he won't have to - but I can't and I won't. it is time for real healthy boundaries and I am here to learn some skills.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello LR479
I am glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. Your daughter's behavior follows a very typical pattern common to those who have BPD. It is frustrating. We get it. The good news is you are super ready to learn and in exactly the right place to do so. The information on this site is all very reliable. I can tell that, as frustrated as you are by her behavior, you still love your daughter very much and want to have a better relationship with her. Learning the communication skills along with the rest of us and participating in this group will definitely help. We are with you on this journey. What is your biggest concern right now? Maybe we can start there.
hugs
Faith

[lr479]

Thanks for the reply.  My biggest concern right now is that I want her wonderful husband to understand what is headed his way and I want her to get the help she needs to make her marriage work.  It dawns on me that her BPD is the cause of her job losses. Each new job (and I can quickly count 9 or more) started with idealization and enchantment, and then the structure of accountability and the chafing that she had over her responsibility to management; and eventually someone would "have it in for her" and target her unfairly; and finally she would be forced out. I have picked up the pieces and held my counsel to myself because I learned early not to ever take the side of management or give her constructive criticism. (I owned and ran a business like the one she works in for 28 years)
I need the courage and words to help her help herself; and to help her not sabotage the great marriage and relationship that she is blessed with. I read and watched videos until 4AM after finding this forum and other resources and I think her dad - who I have always thought was a malignant NPD- might actually be BPD as well.  So many of the traits match and I am a co-dependent.
I need a path to a dialogue with her that is not going to look like I am diagnosing her...

[FaithHopeLove]

One thing we learn in 12 step is to accept what we cannot change. One thing we cannot change is other people's behavior. Your daughter is going to do what she chooses and so is your son in law. What we all CAN change is ourselves. You say you are codependent. What do you mean by that? Is this something you want to chang

[lr479]

I spent 28 years in a marriage that I was an enabler; (learned from my co-dependent mom) and my ex was an overt and very charming narcissist.  I waited for both kids to get into college before I tried to make change in the marriage; through counseling and finally realized that I was with someone who had used me up and was not going to change; or was unable. We seperated and then divorced; and I had four years in really good deep digging and therapy and fortunately married again to someone normal; and loving and I am no longer codependent (or at least not in the least bit used or resentful) So I only revert to bad codependent behavior when my daughter needs to lash out and I have become the voiceless person in the face of that - instead of making her accountable for her harsh behavior.  I am finished doing that; it is what brought me here.  I hope to point her to health.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for that additional background. It helps me better understand your situation. I admire you for doing all that soul searching work and for coming to the realization that it is now time to form some healthy boundaries around what you will and will not accept from your daughter. The thing about boundaries is they are all about us not the other person. In that respect they differ from holding people accountable. issuing ultimatums etc.all of which are notoriously ineffective with people who have BPD. Here is a great article that helped me to understand what a boundary is and how to implement boundaries with my BPD son. It helped me a lot. Maybe it will help you too. Let me know what you think.

Setting Boundaries

[livednlearned]

I like what FHL says about boundaries being about us.

It took me a while to learn that boundaries are not rules or ultimatums, both put accountability for actions on the other person and that tends to go poorly with someone struggling with BPD.

I imagine there is some grieving to be done that your D38 has the same abusive traits that her dad has. It makes it hard to have the kind of relationship you probably yearned for when she was born.

My ex also suffered from a personality disorder. I met and married a wonderful man, who has a BPDx himself. Their daughter, my SD22 is most likely BPD and it has been painful coming to grips that this disorder is back in my life.

Even so, learning how to have healthier boundaries has made my life so much richer in many ways, it's a skill that goes far beyond our relationships with BPD sufferers. 

[PeaceMom]

I’ll chime in here too. I just read that validation is for connection and boundaries are for protection. That helps me bc so much of the time I’m on the defensive with DD19.