How do I know if I'm doing things for me, or doing them to show her I'm changing

[gadget]

Hi all.

Many of you have already heard my story, which is much like your stories.  Here's my question.  First.  I have learned I'm co-dependent.  I did stuff for my wife vs doing things for me.

So now that she is gone.  If I want to get a Tattoo which I've always thought about.  Never done.  Wife even encouraged me to before she left.  So if I do it now, am I doing it for me?  For her?  Some of both?  Does it matter?  I know a bit of me hopes whatever I now do sometimes catches her attention and shows I can do new things.

If I do something new and cool, do I post it on social media because I know she will see it?  Or because I want my friends to see it?

What do you all do?

For example.  When she left, she'd never like or comment any of my Facebook posts.  Since she has abandoned me and my kids she has been a ghost on Facebook.  I'm not a drinker, never drank at all.  She drinks regularly.  I went on a trip with my oldest son who really is into craft beers.  So we talked and I had a flight of them with him.  I then posted on Facebook "Having my 1st beer with my son".  My wife  LOVED my Facebook post and when she next saw me in person, asked why I couldn't have done that 30 years ago?  Why does it matter?  Why would it mean so much to her if I drank?

So ... I'm trying to not be co-dependent and do things I really want for me and not the reaction it will get out of her.  But I secretly still hope she'd see I'm changing.  So convoluted huh?

Gadget

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[Red5]

But I secretly still hope she'd see I'm changing.  So convoluted huh?

Change for you gadget, change for you!

Not for your wife,

Sorry so brash, but this is truth.

Follow your gut with the tattoo, again, it’s for you, it’s your own self expression... no one else’s.

Now is the time to find yourself, I’m doing the same thing.

Red5

[isilme]

I think it's normal to wonder what your deepest motivations are, and even to have moments where you hope she can see you're changing and maybe wish to instill some regret into her for not being together... but also sometimes a cigar is just a cigar... If you want a tattoo, the thing to be the most concerned about is if the design is good, and if the artist is good (well, sanitation is also important). 

I'd also ask maybe if you'd consider limiting her ability to view your Facebook, or simply posting less?  If it's for you, it doesn't matter who sees or knows, so maybe just DO and don't worry about public-profile persona-perceptions?  I am just mentioning it because I see a lot of people worked up in how their digital "avatar" online is perceived, and they miss the fact that it's the true, human interactions with people that really matter. 

It's great you had a flight with your son.  It's also none of her business, but posting it makes it the world's business.  So, maybe the solution to finding you and what's important to you is including digital followers in all your steps?

I'm just suggesting a small break, or a limit to what you share because we face enough issues with flesh and blood interactions - I see too many wondering what a heart instead of a thumbs-up might mean on a given post... when it may simply have been a slip of the mouse. 

[gadget]

Thanks Red & isilme!

Red - I will find me for me.  I appreciate your honesty and wisdom.

Isilme - I’m not a huge Facebook person, but my wife is.  I have no problem not posting.  Even staying off it for an extended time.  For sure part of me wanted her to see me change, go out, have fun.  I’m now really trying to do digital minimalism.  It annoyed the crap out of me that my wife was texting 24/7 and on Facebook continually.  Not really living life.  She was just like you said, missing out on human life.  I kind of despise smartphones now because she was on hers so much.  So annoying.

I don’t care at all about likes.  I’ll stay off it more.  I have WAY better things to do.  Thank you for your input!

I just deleted the Facebook app off my phone and iPad

Gadget

[Birddog]

I just deleted the Facebook app off my phone and iPad

Gadget

 

[Red5]

... er’ Facebook  

Red5

[Radcliff]

Let me join Red5 and isilme and say, "Change for you!"  As you find parts of yourself that you'd lost, as well as new ones, you'll have more energy, be happier, and naturally be more attractive.

Err, what's "Facebook?"  OK, fine, I know what it is.  I still haven't gotten an account, and had been thinking I should eventually.  Someday.  Maybe.  Should I get an account and then quit, or just not get one?

RC

[gadget]

Thanks all!

I agree and appreciate it.  And Foosball is the devil

Gadget

[Yourdudeness]

I feel the same way. And maybe it's overthinking it a bit. Maybe it doesn't matter. If it makes you a better or happier person, do it.

[once removed]

My wife  LOVED my Facebook post and when she next saw me in person, asked why I couldn't have done that 30 years ago?  Why does it matter?  Why would it mean so much to her if I drank?

you ever watch roseanne? jackie always accused fred of being boring while they were together. after they split, he started skiing. it drove her crazy.

the opposite of a codependent is a well differentiated person.

being well differentiated isnt necessarily about changing for only you. its important to be able to adapt and merge in a relationship, while also maintaining independence and authenticity.

being well differentiated is just about knowing the difference. seeing yourself objectively and living authentically.

one example might be you practice good hygiene because you believe in taking care of yourself, and you also care about not grossing out a partner or your coworkers, or...

its not such a bad idea if you want to post about positive developments in your life, new interests youre pursuing, while getting her attention. dont fake it, it will be obvious. find things youre interested in, do them with enthusiasm, share them with others. it will catch attention from people. your wife might just happen to be one of them.

[gadget]

Thanks yourdoodness and once removed!

I’m working on me and finding things that are new and really matter to me.  If it’s something positive and significant I may post it vs just finding things to post to get a reaction.

I don’t post many things, nor hunt for likes or loves on fb. I don’t care much about that.  When I do post I do because something is important to me, and so my friends and family see that I’m doing things to make me happy.

Gadget

[Red5]

… Red5 had a thought, "scary" !

Facebook, to me, is like the old "automats".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Automat

Like most anything else nowadaze on the vast and seemingly endless internet,

You can type in anything in the search bar… and hits will populate, "Elvis _____".

So if you remember or know what an automat is (was)… eg' "That Touch of Mink" (1962) staring Carry Grant & Doris Day : )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTqjO-dHTmE

Facebook is like an automat… you open your page, and you see all the posts from all your facebook friends… and the open and closed "groups"… and also "spam"…

Just like the automat is facebook, behind every little glass door, is a meatloaf, a plate of mashed potato's… maybe a bowl of carrots, a roll, and all manner of scrumptious deserts… all you have to do, is open the little door, and take the plate, and either eat it, or look at it… damn, this is making me hungry !

So facebook is like that, you can scroll and scroll and scroll, see what all your friends are posting, thinking, commenting on… the news, memes… items of interest etc'… scroll scroll scroll…

Its your choice to even interact, become a commenter… or even post your own thoughts, events, happenings…

Then there are security settings ?

Some folks can't handle this personal control thing, or don't know how to act, or even care… and will post, or comment "off the cuffs", or be argumentative… some folks… will even be abusive, "keyboard now it all's"… like internet road rage…

And its all there for everyone to see (but remember security settings)… I myself have blocked a few "old friends", due to crazy k-r-a-p they would post,

Some folks are 'closet anarchists', 'facebook vandals'… like the drunk guy at the bar, trying to start fights with everybody…

Its just "facebook"… calm down, and go outside… get a life, don't you have a job, oh' your on facebook at work  !

Talk about "wearing your feelings on your sleeve"…

I have a little rule, I may post something, or say something about somebody else's post, a comment… or re-post a funny meme, give a like, be sad, be funny, express a "love"… or a maybe a picture of something funny, or interesting, or a news article I found interesting… but I do know where the "delete" button is… and I have a little default switch in my brain housing group… a little "go-nogo" filter… that tells me to keep scrolling, or chime in… or "best not post that"…

Yes, facebook is fraught with ambushes, "boobytraps"… deep holes, and circular arguments… but it does have a lot off good qualities too… like when a friend posts pics of their new baby… their new truck, the fish they caught, or ____ .

YouTube is the same way…

As far as your wife seeing your posts gadget… you know Brother, I wouldn't worry about it… so what, you have fun, enjoy your life, enjoy time with your Son (kids)… if your wife says ____, just smile and say yeah!… I had a great, no, I had an AWESOME TIME : )

And if she says, "why couldn't you have been like this 30 years ago"… say… "huh"… I haven't changed hun, I'm still "me" : )

… and add, "how bout them bears !"

Posts on facebook, to me... are like watching a long freight train pass by, how many engines, what railroad, what kinds of railcars, what are they hauling, I especially like to see all the "graffiti" that is painted on the sides of the rail cars… that's cool to me… facebook is like this… you scroll, you read, you enjoy… and its your choice whom you interact with, and what you post… and when somebody comes back in comment and says ___, and you find it "curt", or a little of the cuff, well you just ignore it… and enjoy the fright train rolling by  

Of note, I am not friends with my own wife on facebook, or my own mother… because they "wear there hearts on their sleeves"…

Ain't got time for that, if they want to talk to me about serious $hit, then do it in person, NOT on silly facebook… yeah  

FWIW gadget : )

Yes, FB is the "devil"… if you allow it to be… & yes, I am at work typing this  

Red5

P.S.
Who remembers the "party line" telephones… back in the day, that was Granny's facebook   

[gadget]

As far as your wife seeing your posts gadget … you know Brother, … I wouldn't worry about it … so what, you have fun, enjoy your life, enjoy time with your Son (kids) … if your wife says ____, just smile and say yeah! … I had a great, … no, I had an AWESOME TIME : )

And if she says, "why couldn't you have been like this 30 years ago" … say … "huh" … I haven't changed hun, I'm still "me" : )

… and add, "how bout them bears !"

Hi Red5!

As evidenced by your quote above.  You are very positive like I am.  I worry less and less what she thinks.  But a small part of me wants her to see something in me, a change, something attractive, whether in person or in a post that makes her miss me and want to try to fix things.  I suppose I will always feel that way.  But I'm strong enough to move on if I have to.  I've been through TONS in life.  Far more than I have already shared.  And ... I'm still here kicking

Gadget

[Radcliff]

It's important for you to notice those improvements in yourself, but it's natural for us to want to see things reflected in the eyes of others.  This will happen, especially if you help it.  Get yourself feeling good, like after a workout at the gym, and go shopping.  Open the door for someone and give them a smile.  Be friendly and smile at the checkout lady (regardless of her age or how attracted you are).  You'll notice people start to respond.  Eventually a friend will comment on your activities or your appearance, perhaps new energy that you have.  And your wife will notice, even if she doesn't say anything.

RC

[gadget]

Thanks Radcliff,

I do many of those things now.  I’ll focus on those things and the rest will fall in line.

Gadget

[Radcliff]

Sounds like a plan.  Keep us posted.

RC