Advice needed ASAP continued

[blackorchid]

He hasn’t replied still after I’ve told him my flight home.

I’ve been thinking about saying I can stay at a friends as it’s his home too and he doesn’t need to move out but I don’t know if that would be beneficial or not?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It's your home, too.  Go home.  Be steady.  If there's a real breakup someday, and it makes more sense for him to stay, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.  Right now, it's just an emotional storm.  We all need to learn to manage our own emotional distress.  If we "nons" are always bending over backwards to ease the distress of our pwBPD, we're depriving them of opportunities to grow, and setting both us and our partner up for future misery.  This is so important that "Distress management" is one of the four major themes of DBT, which aims to help people with BPD manage life more effectively.  Besides depriving them of growth, we're also putting ourselves through the wringer, which is bad for us and also isn't helpful to making us effective partners.

RC

[blackorchid]

Yeah Radcliffe that makes sense. As tomorrow looms closer and closer I’m dreading it more and more. Yesterday he messaged me asking for flight details. Told me that he’s already moved his belongings out and is cancelling all utilities ( as a foreigner I can’t open them myself) I said why are you doing that you know I’ll pay them. He said he doesn’t want any contact with me or to have to talk to me about anything again. They will be cancelled on Thursday. Then he said don’t disturb him any more and that we can only talk about bills.

He was agitated as I was doing gardening for my mum and so my phone was inside charging. He had messaged an hour ago and I hadn’t responded. Then he messaged again. And was getting frustrated that I wasn’t answering him and asking why I wasn’t replying. So I don’t know if that’s part of it.


Radcliffe you make so much sense about him learning to cope but I just don’t see what he learns from this. He moves out. And makes himself homeless, for what? 

I don’t know whether to send him one last message tonight. Along the lines of Actually stating that I have no idea why he’s moving out. This isn’t what I want and we can work it out. It’s his home etc. But I don’t know if it will just be landing on deaf ears.

I told him last year when he moved back in that if he left again I would walk. But I feel like reminding him of that will only add more fuel to the already raging fire.

[blackorchid]

He’s messaged me. Saying he can’t trust me and I asked why he said because I apologised last year but I was the same. Hence I’m the reason why were breaking up and all the blame is on me. Then he said don’t disturb me I don’t want to talk

[Radcliff]

You've asked some good questions.  All we can do is get out of the way of our pwBPD's learning.  We can't make them learn.  Sometimes they will, sometimes they won't.  Another way to look at it is it's more important what *we* learn -- to stop feeling responsible and feeling bad about things that are not our responsibility and are outside our control.  When we learn that, drama and pain drop significantly.  With regards to explaining things to him more, usually that goes poorly.  An important thing for us "nons" to learn is to not “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).

Let us know how you're doing.

RC