Confused- is this my partner or BPD

[pugmomma]

Hello, I am so glad to have found this site!  I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and recently he has been activated with BPD (again)  usually he has smaller fits but this one is pretty huge.   It might just be a factor if I am honest with myself.   In December we broke up due to him "feeling engulfed" and wanting to remove our label.  Now here we are after many more episodes of this, hes  middle aged, shy of 40.  And has pulled away and just treated me very cold and bothered.  He finally told me he feels engulfed. and I understand.   There is little autonomy, we moved out of the area and I dont have many friends or a life outside of our home besides work.  He recently told me he doesnt know what he wants, which I get.  He's doing something new, and there are so many people out there- I dont blame him.  But he says he feels engulfed.  The more I have read about this and other things trying to seek support and a solution for myself I have learned more and seemingly learned this might be fueled also by BPD. ( which is something he rarely accepts, or often denies he has -but knows and has told me he does) and isnt interested in seeking therapy.  It is extremely painful for me when we go through this and I am experiencing PTSD and unfortunately I begin to behave in a controlling -afraid- do what I can to save the relationship type of manner. 

I don't know how to be with someone who has BPD and take care of myself.  I could really use support- suggestions, and experience. 

Thanks so much-
Pug momma

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi pugmomma,  



I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site. I am glad that you have found us. There is hope. It helps to talk to others that are going through a similar situation as you.

Ah feeling engulfed or push behavior - I feel for you I’m going through something similar in my life. That being said, it slowly breaks the heart when the person that you love starts to push and becomes distant. It can feel hurtful personally and really confusing because it doesn’t make sense why they are pushing you away.

You can start to feel anxious and over compensate, you might try harder to keep your SO and that usually causes them to push further.

It’s not easy but what I would do is try to find things to keep you busy and distracted while he’s in this mode- know that it’s not personal to you. Some people had childhood experiences where the caregiver was distant and they didn’t feel very present. Our attachment style is developed at a young age and tour attachments style carries over later on in life in our romantic r/s’s. For now I would suggest to give him space and let him come to you.


Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships