Is this behavior on her part acceptable? Is she bpd?

[ohioman]

I am 40, gf is 30.

I am divorced with a  7 yr old.  She is single, no kids.  Been dating for 2 years.

We met 5 years ago, and hooked up a few times.. Time was not right for a relationship..

Fast forward 2 years and I bump into her.  She hugs me, so happy to see me... We start texting daily..  Now during this time she had a boyfriend, then became pregnant with him.. I had no idea she had a boyfriend... One day she came over,and we had sex.  The boyfriend followed her and was peeking in my windows!  They then broke up and she had an abortion.

After this she confessed she had the abortion for me, because she loved me for years...So then we dated...

She is also a "people pleaser", which means she wants to do everything for everyone. Including me...  Which was nice at first. But after a couple months she became extremely possessive.  Constantly worried I would leave her. And I wanted space.. Slowly we saw each other less and less.

I cam to find out during this time she contacted her ex again!  The guy who got her pregnant.. An older doctor.  But he had a girlfriend.. So she would just have sex with him behind his girlfriends back..

During this time I had no idea she was casually seeing anyone.. But she would come see me and my son.. As friends..  Always buying us gifts, etc.

Then January of this year she reached out to me, and after a 4 month break we started dating again.  Same cycle.. Things were good, until she started to become irrationally jealous. 

As for me, my ex wife wanted to move across the country with my son.. So for the past 6 months we had a long court battle, which I won.  So I now have my son full time. most stressful time of my life.

Now during this time ,my girlfriend was helpful, BUT causing emotional stress daily over absolutely ridiculous things..This pushed me away and made me angry.. Some examples:

a. "Oh you been talking to your lawyer a lot yesterday?"  (My lawyer is a woman
b. I was cleaning your home and found love letters!  (She found an old Christmas card from a friend)..
c.  (texting me when I am at work) "I was going through your cabinets and noticed you HID the snow globe I got your son)
d. I got your mail, and see your ex wife still gets some mail here! I cant deal with this!"  (Some advertisement with her name)
e. She read an affiidavit of mine for court. My friend wrote it for me. he has a 7 year old daughter. She read it then said " You are going to leave me for his daughter when she is 18!"
f. Anytime my phone lights up, accusing me and questioning.. I cant use my phone in my own home.
g. Accused me of hiding my sons friends moms number she found in a drawer!.
h. The day I won custody! Best day of my life! I get home and she says "I been going through your sons IPAD and found some sites you must have saved related to your ex girlfriend!"..I mean the happiest day of my life, now something about my sons IPAD she is imagining.

Now during this entire time I am wrapped up in my business, court, my son, my house  etc.. But her jealousy would not end!

So then she says about 2 weeks ago "You broke up with me 2 weeks ago!  I am done!  You broke my heart! I would have loved you and your son forever! Do not ever contact me again! You stopped having sex with me"

So more or less I am assuming she is sleeping with someone else already and blaming me.. 

Are those red flags for BPD?  Am I best off this is over?


 

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[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like she might re-enter your life at some point. For that reason, I'm moving you to the Bettering board. There you will learn more about BPD and how to deal with someone who has it.

[Witz_End]

I don't think anyone here can say for sure this definitely means BPD, but...

The possessiveness is a sign of fear of abandonment, obviously, and seeing it come out in jealousy-fueled odd logic would not be inconsistent with BPD.  Clearly, it creates unstable relationships and there is an instability and impulsiveness to her jumping back and forth from ex to ex and cheating.

When it comes down to it, whether it is BPD or not, it's clearly unhealthy to the relationship and learning more about BPD and how to deal with people with BPD can probably help because of similarities, BPD or no. Red flag behaviors are red flag behaviors regardless of what diagnosis they lead to.

It does sound like you can expect another round at some point.  It looks like that is a pattern with her.  The question to ask yourself in the meantime is what you feel about being in a relationship with her.  Bear in mind that whether it is BPD or not, things like jealous insecurities from fear of abandonment are not things that go away easily.  Those are deep rooted tendencies and her mind is likely to reach for those jealous suspicions again and again.

[ohioman]

From what I know of her, the cycle is the same.

Meet guy, then do everything for him. Be a great gf.

Then she starts reading into every action as a negative.   

And example could be when I told her I was off work, so she could stay at work and I would pick my son up from the bus.

Her reply was “oh you are ashamed of me?fine!  I won’t”. Etc.

So at that point I don’t want to see her every night.  She reads into that as “he broke up with me”.  Then she starts to talk to an ex, others etc.

[Witz_End]

The thing about people with BPD is that, especially in the initial honeymoon phase, they will idealize you and be willing to do so much for you.  But, that is only part of the equation.  As they come out of that love bombing honeymoon phase, you can be a saint or the devil to them sometimes cycling between those extremes same day and sometimes going through periods lasting days.

Research "splitting" as it relates to BPD.

There are plenty of us here who have chosen (at least for the time being) to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD.  It's possible for them to have wonderful sides to them.  But, there are two sides to their coin and it's good to understand what you are getting into.

In the case here, something I would look at personally is how quickly and easily she jumps ship.  A question I would ask myself is whether that is something I could tolerate.  A factor there is what I wanted in life.  Were I at a point where I wanted something stable and long term, I might consider an on-again-off-again relationship with someone who comes in and out as she bounces from ex to ex to ex not only not being a fit for what I want, but holding me in a cycle that keeps me from moving on to what I want.  On the other hand, if long term isn't really a goal at that point in life, perhaps I would choose differently.

So, it comes down to questions:

What are your goals, desires and needs in life right now (especially with relationship)?  Does this work for you within those?  Are you willing to take the downs with the ups?

Do not leave your son out of the equation, though.  How does her being around or her being in and out of your life affect him?

So at that point I don’t want to see her every night.  She reads into that as “he broke up with me”.  Then she starts to talk to an ex, others etc.

How do you imagine healthy couples address that situation?   Do you feel she's capable of addressing it that way?

[ohioman]

I suppose I am trying to figure out what I went through.

I was very attracted to her.  And her to me.  I was faithful always. And she adjusted her entire life for me.  I truly believe she loved my son and I.

But for whatever reason, everything bothered her.

My phone.  She started to say everything in my home was from another woman, and I kept it because I am still in love with them. The mail.  A cup I had.  It became unbearable.

Now I suppose , during everything else in my life, I could try to reassure her constantly.  I did for a while.  But after a while I would just get angry.  “You really think I am hooking up with my attorney?i can’t stand this”. Etc.

Then she turned it around as “see.  You are always angry with me. “. Then I am wondering if it is my fault?  I should answer every allegation, everyday, calmly?

[Forgiveness]

I don't know if it is BPD.
It is acceptable if you accept it.
It is not acceptable if you do not accept it.  You have the choice not to accept it but you do not have the ability to change it. If you stay with her she will always have this pattern.

Then she turned it around as “see.  You are always angry with me. “. Then I am wondering if it is my fault?  I should answer every allegation, everyday, calmly?

It is not your fault however if you can manage to disengage it will keep the situation from escalating. If you get angry you are only human. But if you can ignore the accusation without getting defensive your life will be a little easier.

[PeteWitsend]

Sure sounds like BPD to me, ohioman.

my XW did a lot of the same stuff on a regular basis.

I had to throw out ANY pictures of me with friends who were women (ie any woman that I was not related to...) even if there were other men & women in the pics, and none of the women were my exes!

I had to get a separate storage unit on the DL so I could keep family heirlooms and other personal memorabilia safe, after I caught her throwing things out and denying it.  

etc etc.

It's crazy, and totally irrational, and not something you can work out with them.  Therapy and marital or relationship counseling don't help, and pwBPD refuse to admit their behavior is an issue or change it.  it all comes down to how much you're willing to  tolerate

[ohioman]

Sure sounds like BPD to me, ohioman.


It's crazy, and totally irrational, and not something you can work out with them.  Therapy and marital or relationship counseling don't help, and pwBPD refuse to admit their behavior is an issue or change it.  it all comes down to how much you're willing to  tolerate

I feel she was lucky to be with the type of guy I am.

I don’t travel for work.  Don’t go to bars.  No social media. Never cheated in my life. Love to be at home etc.  and I would tell her this. It made no difference.

It was a progression that slowly took over everything.

A.  Can never mention a woman in any capacity.  Even my 60 yr old lawyer.  Or even my friends 7 year old daughter who was friends with my son!

B.  Cannot use my phone around her AT ALL.

C. Then objects bothered her.  Many nights ruined because she claimed a certain coffee mug must have been from an ex.  And I kept it because I love her still.

D. Then going through my mail.  This I can’t control. 

E. Then being bothered I was with other women before!

So long story short, it was always going to be something. 

I think I noticed when my father is passing at the same time I am involved in a child custody battle as my ex moved across country.   Stressful times.

THEN to have her text me daily about things she found, or asking me who called, or claiming I am in love with my attorney really made me notice she didn’t even care about what I was going through.  The absolute worst times to start jealous fights over nothing.

[Witz_End]

Therapy and marital or relationship counseling don't help, and pwBPD refuse to admit their behavior is an issue or change it.

I'll agree that it's like pulling teeth for them to see their behavior is an issue.  Likewise for not only getting them into, but also invested in working through, counseling.

But, there are cases where therapy *has* worked.  It's not accurate to say it doesn't help, just that cards are stacked against getting them into it and invested in it.

Ohioman, that is all pretty OTT and a lot to have to worry about in a relationship.

[ohioman]

She came over this morning to pick up a stuffed animal. She left without it.

We made out with a lot of passion.  We didn’t have sex.  She wouldn’t.  But we both came.

She said we always have the same cycle and told me I broke up with her.

I told her she broke up with me, and she became jittery.  We talked a little more and she left. I asked if she was free to hang out this weekend and she said no. 

I emailed that I enjoyed kissing her, and would like to see her again. No response.

[ColdKnight]

That is kinda how mine ended the second time. She said she felt like she wasn’t wanted. Then she didn’t return a phone call after she said she would. I let it go for two weeks and then texted her and she told me she met someone.

Knowing what I know now this Is what I would do in your situation. I would wait a day and send her a text that requires an answer. Something that is easy to answer that any normal person would answer. Basically testing to see If she is giving you the silent treatment. I would wait another day and If she doesn’t respond I would text “When you are ready to communicate like an adult get ahold of me. Until then I am going to be doing my own thing.”

That is just what I would do. You should only do this if you are willing to never hear from her again.

[ohioman]

That is kinda how mine ended the second time. She said she felt like she wasn’t wanted. Then she didn’t return a phone call after she said she would. I let it go for two weeks and then texted her and she told me she met someone.

Knowing what I know now this Is what I would do in your situation. I would wait a day and send her a text that requires an answer. Something that is easy to answer that any normal person would answer. Basically testing to see If she is giving you the silent treatment. I would wait another day and If she doesn’t respond I would text “When you are ready to communicate like an adult get ahold of me. Until then I am going to be doing my own thing.”

That is just what I would do. You should only do this if you are willing to never hear from her again.

Wasn’t it very frustrating?   When someone accuses you of breaking up with them, and no such thing happened. Or “I thought you didn’t want me”

I was in contact with her daily.   She was starting fights over everything. Then she blocks me, and comes over to say “I broke up with her”, and that “she isn’t getting younger”.  

Her previous emails to me were “never talk to me again”, and “I never want to see you again”

It was odd how she started to shake when I told her I never broke up with her.  

Why do you suggest your course of action? I know she reads my emails but just doesn’t reply.

[ColdKnight]

The reason I would do that is because it sets boundaries. It lets her know that you are not going beg her. That is what she wants. As long as she is getting it she is most likely going to continue giving you the silent treatment. It gives her power over you.

If you tell her you are not going to continue to contact her it puts the ball in her court and lets he know you are not going to tolerate the silent treatment. The more you continue to send her emails or texts the closer you get to someday getting the “stop contacting me. If you contact me again I will call the police” I have never had that happen but there are plenty of members here who have.

There is absolutely no excuse for the silent treatment and the more you feed into the more self respect you lose and to be honest I believe on a subconscious level they lose respect for you as well.

Again that is what I would do had I to do it all over again. The day after she didn’t return my phone call I wished I would have sent a similar text.

The other alternative is just stop reaching out to them but If you do that, at least this is the way I felt, you will always be in limbo wondering if she is ever going to reach out to you. For me I need closure. I had to draw a line in the sand and let her know I wasn’t playing her game anymore. I haven’t heard from her in three weeks and I probably wont. But I am getting better everyday.

[ohioman]

The reason I would do that is because it sets boundaries. It lets her know that you are not going beg her. That is what she wants. As long as she is getting it she is most likely going to continue giving you the silent treatment. It gives her power over you.

If you tell her you are not going to continue to contact her it puts the ball in her court and lets he know you are not going to tolerate the silent treatment. The more you continue to send her emails or texts the closer you get to someday getting the “stop contacting me. If you contact me again I will call the police” I have never had that happen but there are plenty of members here who have.

Wow.

She never blocked me in the 4 years I knew her. Then she did. 

When I emailed asking why  she said exactly that. “Leave me alone.  If you talk to me again I will call the police”

I stopped at that point.  I didn’t call. Go to her house. Her work. Email. Nothing.

Today she emailed me that she has been thinking and wants to email me tonight.  I haven’t responded.

[ColdKnight]

The whole call in the police seems to be huge among them. I think they love the anxiety that it puts you in. A lot of people begin to spin out of control at this point and end up getting the police called on them. Never good.

How long after she sent the police message did she reach out to you?

Honestly brother I would NOT respond for two reasons. She needs to know that she cannot just treat you like that and then have you snap back to her heels. She needs to understand what it feels like to have the silent treatment done to her. Who cares if it triggers her abandonment fears. She has just triggered your “I don’t want my life ruined by some crazy woman” fears!

The second most important reason is, bro, she threatened to call the police on you...that is completely unacceptable. Just to threaten you is a HUGE problem. No doubt in the future if she doesn’t get her way she WILL call the police or worse file a restraining order against you. Theses can be filed without your knowledge based on just her allegations without any statement from you.

I would not respond to this woman ever again. If she does reach out again and you can’t let her go I would send “you threatened to call the police on me because I asked you why you blocked me. If you EVER even JOKE about this again you will NEVER see or hear from me again”

Getting the police involved should not be taken lightly.

[ohioman]

The whole call in the police seems to be huge among them. I think they love the anxiety that it puts you in. A lot of people begin to spin out of control at this point and end up getting the police called on them. Never good.

How long after she sent the police message did she reach out to you?

I never dreamed she would threaten this. After that email I viewed her, and everything about her differently.

 2 days later.   An email saying how she did so much for me, and I treated her like garbage. Once again, closing with "do not ever contact me again".

I just wrote her an email making a joke about something she listed in the email 2 days later,  then she said she wanted to pick up her teddy bear.

Also, not sure if this is a sign, but looking back the things she would say all seemed scripted. Or what should be said. Nothing very genuine.

Even after 2 years sometimes being overly formal, overly polite, something just didn't quite fit.

[once removed]

there is clearly unfinished business, and by and large, the two of you are still rehashing the conflict from the relationship.

do you want to reconcile? do you want to detach?

[ohioman]

At this point she emails, I email back. It just goes in circles.

She keeps saying "You broke up with me". "You stopped seeing me"
"You stopped texting me". "I never cheated while we were together"
"Up until very recently I was with you but YOU gave up"

I mean clearly none of the above is true.. And I find myself wasting time pointing that out.

An example could be her saying "You didn't see me for two weeks end of July". So I would go back, show her that we saw each other 7 nights etc.. Then it goes nowhere.


It is just becoming very annoying.

[once removed]

do you want to try something different? break the cycle?

do you just want to vent?

[ohioman]

do you want to try something different? break the cycle?

do you just want to vent?

At this point I don't know if she is with someone else? Has been? I don't even know what happened. So that would affect my answer.

I just have a feeling of her style.. And perhaps she was talking to an ex via email for a while.. I have no proof.. I just think so.

[once removed]

So then she says about 2 weeks ago "You broke up with me 2 weeks ago!  I am done!  You broke my heart! I would have loved you and your son forever! Do not ever contact me again! You stopped having sex with me"

what happened. can you describe the breakup as factually as possible?

[ohioman]

My ex wife moved across the country and wanted to with my son. We had a long court battle and I won full custody.  My gf and my son are very close as well for about 2 years.

So it has been stressful. I have work, home, my son etc. My GF wanted to help out by getting my son at the bus certain days, etc. All of this is only a few weeks old.

So for whatever reason she started, or continued to find reasons to be jealous, insecure daily. She would claim I got texts. Asked me who called late at night when nobody did.  Claim an ex gf bought me gifts I kept from years ago.  So this is all happening right during the most stressful time.. I would get angry.

The last time she said she could get my son at the bus stop on a Friday. Leave work and get my son.  The day before I found out I was off work, So I texted "hey, I can get him tomorrow. I am off"

Well she took this as some huge problem. "Fine. Ill see you next week!"  "Fine you are ashamed of me" "Fine I won't do it anymore". "I won't see you tomorrow night"

So I didn't want to have a fight, I didn't have the energy. I was like "ok, see you next week"

That Sunday she basically texts me it is over, she loved me for years and I don't love her. She can do better. I am mean etc. I don't text her goodnight.

So after that she keeps texting me "We are broken up". "I will help with your son but we are not together". And again I don't press the issue.

She came over to get my son one more day, and barely looked at me. barely talked to me... She went home and didn't stay the night.

A day or 2 later she said she will be with someone else. I lost my chance. She said she cant see my son anymore. Or me. I accused her of cheating, got mad etc.

She came over last week, we made out. No sex.  Said she cant be with me again.

Labor day weekend she is asking about my son. Said she "wants to be happy", but "cant live without him"..  I asked if she is seeing someone else already, and she just answers with "We were broken up for weeks". "You can date" "Go find a gf" etc etc. I get mad again

Then she keeps emailing that I dumped her, she never cheated, etc

But obviously to me it IS cheating if somehow she is just with someone so quickly.

[ohioman]

Part of me was very angry today..

She emailed "I hung on until literally very recently. You gave up beginning of August.  

The reality is that she blocked me for weeks. She wouldn't see me. Told me she was done everyday. But now acting like I just made her find someone else.

Secondly, she left me the first week I had my son full time.. She said it was always her dream.  She would be the best step mom.  Plans, ideas etc. Which puts me in a bad position on many levels.

Then basically starts a fight, becomes difficult, vanishes.. then says I broke up with her.

[once removed]

But obviously to me it IS cheating if somehow she is just with someone so quickly.

dont miss the forest for the trees. this is all complex as it is.

most likely, its a threat to get your attention. most likely, if shes still this involved and fighting with you, there isnt anyone else, and if there is, i...i cant imagine its a serious sort of thing.

My ex wife moved across the country and wanted to with my son.

this probably has a lot to do with everything that is going on.

your girlfriend had a bond with your son, ex wife is out of the picture, suddenly shes not. suddenly that bond is "threatened" by your ex wife. suddenly your girlfriend is significantly less significant.

your girlfriend is a very jealous person, it sounds like. thats a significant part of it. but thats really what shes reacting to. shes, in her way, trying to find reassurance...trying to feel more significant, like she isnt being pushed out.

when you let her know you could get him, that obviously set her off. she certainly overreacted. but in saying "ok see you next week", you essentially confirmed her fears.

she broke up with you to save face and dignity, rather than, as she feels, be cast aside. it was a get her way sort of thing. i did it plenty myself in my relationship.

when shes saying you dumped her, shes saying you cast her aside and forced her hand. arguing about who dumped whom is really missing the point.

stop engaging in circular arguments: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

do you want her back? youll need to stop the bleeding and get into solutions mode.

[ohioman]

this probably has a lot to do with everything that is going on.

your girlfriend had a bond with your son, ex wife is out of the picture, suddenly shes not. suddenly that bond is "threatened" by your ex wife. suddenly your girlfriend is significantly less significant.

Just to be clear, my ex wife IS NOW out of the picture. She lives in a different part of the country. I have full custody of my son

[once removed]

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