Why is my ex doing this to me?

[nightrider121]

Hello everyone!

This is my first post so I hope I don't come across to clueless regarding any rules and such.

Well my dilemma which I thought I had ended nearly an year ago is still causing drama. So the situation I am in is that I was with a BPD ex and I had left her for many reasons namely because it got too volatile, one sided, irrational arguments and so on.

Now my ex is in some of my college classes. I have clearly moved on and have no interest in wanting to be with her. However, she is acting really strange in that class. For example she would purposely want to sit outside my view (not that I care but she does it on purpose) she used to sit diagonally across behind me then she chose to sit ways behind me. Sometimes she would sit behind some people as though she wants a barrier between us (again not that I care) but it just seems very obvious what she's trying to do.

We also had presentations, she made sure that the computer she was presenting off of was blocking her view of me. And when it was my turn to present she would SMILE and text on her phone the entire time as if she's trying to provoke me or something.

Like I could care less about wanting to be with her. I don't care if she's with someone else. I have no need to talk to her but WHY is she making this so awkward and obvious. I am myself I don't show that this is bothering me in anyway I have friends and I am very involved in my classes and discussions. But she just seems to be relentless in trying to provoke me.

Any insight would help

Thank you!
 

[Turkish]

What led you to think she was BPD? Behaviors (which led me here) or was she diagnosed? Have you talked to her since the break up, or do you feel that she is stalking you?

[nightrider121]

She told me that she was diagnosed with a personality disorder. Had serious hatred against her mother who was said to have abused her growing up. She had severe abandonment issues. Initially I didn't believe her but then the manipulation, gas lighting, and getting outraged in public whenever she was angry had started soon after the idealization phase had ended. I read more into personality disorders and felt that she may have borderline (i'm not an expert) but reading everything it just feels oddly similar to how she had been acting towards me throughout the relationship.

She was not stalking me. But she did split me black really bad after the break up. As if I did not matter to her at all. And I did not talk to her after the break up. I told her I don't want to hear from her ever again.

[Turkish]

This sounds pretty typical of this, do you feel?

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

You may feel safe and familiar to her, hence the passive attempts to connect though I imagine that's hard on a college campus to avoid. How can we best help you?

[nightrider121]

Thank you for the article, it does explain quite a bit.

I guess I mean I don't want to talk to her because I don't want to give her any control. But at the same time I would like to reconcile and not make things awkward anymore. I'm well over it believe me but she isn't because of her behaviors even after almost an year later.

Should I even attempt to talk to her again at this point? Or should I let it be? I don't want to dwell on this more than I have to or make it even more awkward

Thanks again!

[Turkish]

If you've moved on,  even with questions, you've moved on.  She may not have. There's nothing wrong with being kind, but being too kind might lead anyone to believe there is something beyond that.  Be BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm, if any interaction.  This might also help (and it's a good tool to utilize for anyone, even if not BPD): https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

See the discussion on SET at the end. 

[ColdKnight]

My advice would be to just ignore her and act like she is a total stranger to you. If she talks to you then respond like you would any other person who you don’t know.

I know you say it doesn’t bother you but if you were completely honest with yourself you would admit that it does even if just a little bit. If it didn’t you wouldn’t at all be seeking answers on this forum.

Just like when I run in to ex I ignore her. Not because the sight of her doesn’t bother me but because it does. If it didn’t bother me I would treat her like any other person. But I don’t want to see her or talk to her because I don’t want to start wondering what she meant by the way she flipped her hair or something similar. I just don’t want to go down that rabbit hole again

She is purposely trying to get under your skin and it is starting to work. Again be honest with yourself if this were a total stranger who you cared nothing about would you be asking the same question on this board.

I am not at all faulting you or trying to diminish all you have accomplished in the year since you have broken up but there is still something, however minute, there. It is only natural. You would have to be a lizard to purge every last bit of feeling, good or bad, from you heart and mind. It’s not a bad thing. You are a human being. It’s natural

[nightrider121]

Thanks ColdKnight

You're right that it is bothering to some small level and it does because I guess I'm trying to be nice and would want things to be normal amongst both of us. Despite her games and everything else I still do want her to do well in everything. I guess I feel sorry for her and that's the empathetic side of me. I definitely don't want her but I do want her to be ok.

But in this year that has passed I have done very well where I enjoyed my own company and made strides in where I want to go in life. If I was still with her it definitely would not have been worth it. And while I did have many chances to talk to her I did not give in and I have moved on even further. But it's sad to see that she still hasn't.

[CryWolf]

Hey fam,

this is crazy. I am literally going through the same thing right now.

However, I'n my case I tried being polite, reaching out, etc. But she was still cold and bitter.

One thing I realized as well, she is not over it. She also looks occasionally, or gets mad/annoyed when I'm talkative with other girls. I'm very social. I believe this is something she's been jealous of herself.

My ex also gets on her phone and smiles and whatever for attention. Of course, none of it makes sense. My ex either tries to be seen but not seen. She avoids all eye contact with me or doesn't even look at me.

At first, I thought it was the fact she hated me/disgusted etc. Then, I wondered if she is so hurt that she cant bare looking at me and the pain/emotions that follow. but again, these thoughts will make us spiral.

I truly believe, you have some feelings for your ex or curiosity. Either, if she misses you, regrets it or even why she does the things she does.

Like you mentioned on my post, be indifferent, and I will be implying this now. But you have been indifferent. I know all too well about the "power" and how we want some form of it as non's because the pwBPD tends to always have it, and this hurts our ego/pride/self-esteem/core whatever you want to call it.

If you do reconcile what do you think would result of it? Study partners? Coffee runs? Just classmates smiling? Because reconciling would result in you deciding which boundaries you would implement.

What do you think?

I also agree with ColdKnight, she wants a reaction. And you posting here has you thinking and some levels of anxiety/thoughts are present in yourself.

[nightrider121]

Hey fam,

this is crazy. I am literally going through the same thing right now.

However, I'n my case I tried being polite, reaching out, etc. But she was still cold and bitter.

One thing I realized as well, she is not over it. She also looks occasionally, or gets mad/annoyed when I'm talkative with other girls. I'm very social. I believe this is something she's been jealous of herself.

My ex also gets on her phone and smiles and whatever for attention. Of course, none of it makes sense. My ex either tries to be seen but not seen. She avoids all eye contact with me or doesn't even look at me.

At first, I thought it was the fact she hated me/disgusted etc. Then, I wondered if she is so hurt that she cant bare looking at me and the pain/emotions that follow. but again, these thoughts will make us spiral.

I truly believe, you have some feelings for your ex or curiosity. Either, if she misses you, regrets it or even why she does the things she does.

Like you mentioned on my post, be indifferent, and I will be implying this now. But you have been indifferent. I know all too well about the "power" and how we want some form of it as non's because the pwBPD tends to always have it, and this hurts our ego/pride/self-esteem/core whatever you want to call it.

If you do reconcile what do you think would result of it? Study partners? Coffee runs? Just classmates smiling? Because reconciling would result in you deciding which boundaries you would implement.

What do you think?

I also agree with ColdKnight, she wants a reaction. And you posting here has you thinking and some levels of anxiety/thoughts are present in yourself.

I wanted to reconcile for the awkwardness to be over. But this anxiety came back to me on the first day of class when I know I had to spend the rest of the semester with her again. I thought things through and I realized I cannot talk to her again no matter how hard she tries to get a reaction out of me. Shes broken and no matter how much I talk to her it won't make any difference but to see myself disappointed again.

I have to continue to be indifferent...pretend shes like any other student...have a great time with my friends in that class and not give up on myself or my goals. As for curiosity, of course I am because of how irrational she has been behaving. But again I thought things through and realized its not worth pursuing in any manner.

[ColdKnight]

Stay strong brother,

We all have moments of weakness. It know it’s easy for me to say but it is also hard for me to follow my own advice.

I wanted to reach out to her so bad today. We had a big lunch for work today and I didn’t go because I knew she would be there. Later on in the day I opened up the text bubble and
typed: Fu** I miss you...

I did that five times but deleted it each time and never sent it.

It was hard but I got through it...another day down...another day stronger...

[nightrider121]

Stay strong brother,

We all have moments of weakness. It know it’s easy for me to say but it is also hard for me to follow my own advice.

I wanted to reach out to her so bad today. We had a big lunch for work today and I didn’t go because I knew she would be there. Later on in the day I opened up the text bubble and
typed: Fu** I miss you...

I did that five times but deleted it each time and never sent it.

It was hard but I got through it...another day down...another day stronger...

I think it's easier to find your own hobbies that way you can detach from her easier...I'm blessed to have good friends and activities that I can take part in to keep me busy. I mean I'm alot happier now than I was with her. If I know how messy the outcome would be when I talk to her...I ask myself why even bother? I might miss her sometimes but I enjoy my life and respect myself way more than letting anyone put me down

[CryWolf]

Any update?