Missing my daughter/mother daughter relationship

[Rosheger]

Today I had a CT scan (my first) for a serious condition (not immediately life threatening) - results will show how serious.  As I walked into the scan room, I thought of my daughter.  She doesn't even know I am here, nor much at all about my life, and I felt tremendous sadness and grief.  We haven't spoken in a couple of months.  My dtr is 37 and I have only recently learned she suffers from BPD.  When she was growing up, there was no talk of that.  She was diagnosed with manic depression, severe anxiety, learning disorders, addictive personality.  Life was hell as she grew up.  As you all know and have experienced, the emotional roller coaster of living with someone with BPD -  the mood swings, the anger, the emotional abuse, the lies, etc.   I had never experienced anyone like her in my life and was simply baffled how to help her.  I spent thousands on therapy, rehab, paying her debts, etc... only to see little change in her.  I thought it was my fault and the fact her Dad and I got divorced when she was 11.  I wish I had known then what I know now about BPD.  It all makes so much sense.  I get who she is and how she has suffered.  While never officially diagnosed, several therapists have told me she fits the type.  I am so grateful for finding this site (a therapist friend referred me).  I am learning SOO much.  I am looking forward to putting into practice what I am learning - esp around communicating with my dtr.  but we will have to start speaking again for that to happen .    I had a loving, sweet relationship with my own mother and thought I would also have one with my dtr, so it grieves me greatly at times, as I miss having that.  I miss having a dtr I could call and tell her about my CT scan and maybe hug and just be together.  Thanks for listening.  I'm a jumble of emotions today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Rosheger, my heart goes out to you.   I miss my son who is 30, and we are still speaking but his words to me are so out there they leave me baffled and I worry that one day I will be in your shoes.  He worries that too, and has even voiced it yet how can something we both want be so difficult?  I hope this site helps you to find the words to get through to her.  All the best, take good care of yourself.   

[Rosheger]

Thank you.  I appreciate your compassion!  This journey is tough- glad we have each other!

[FaithHopeLove]

It is hard. The heartache is real. I am sorry you had to go through the CT procedure without your daughter's support. It must have been lonely. It is really good that you are learning the communication skills that will help you understand each other better in the future once you do reconnect as I expect you will.

[Rosheger]

Thank you Faith!  Mostly, I do well, just once in a while, I grieve what could be.  I am sure we will talk again.  So nice to hear from everyone going thru the same stuff!

[Swimmy55]

You have bravery in going to get your CT alone.  I hope you take a  moment to appreciate yourself  for that.  I am so glad you are posting here.  I echo Faith in that you are still willing to learn about your daughter's BPD and communication, and that is huge.  Please be gentle with you and post here as often as you need.  You are not alone.

[Rosheger]

Thank you Swimmy!  Your words have soothed my soul!

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Rosheger:  You sweet and beautiful soul.  May I give you a hug?
 

I have enough confidence in YOUR SPIRIT that I am willing to believe that you will be seeing your daughter and have a chance to talk with her about this...slow and steady...and not all in one day.

My daughter was a living nightmare with all the BPD stuff, and today she is the first to own in.  That said, she still has it, so I know that she won't be able to own it every day.  Here's the thing.  Things got really bad with us and she went away.  I put some boundaries in place and was honest and real with her...never unloving, and I made my love for her very clear and known while at the same time making my boundaries clear and known...then she did a no contact on me and I was dying on the inside...
During the time she was gone, I thought she was off somewhere brooding about me and how unfair or whatever I was.  ...no...come to find out, she heard my brutal honesty (laced with love but a whole lot of it tough)...and she addressed the things I said to her, and she still is.

My daughter and I are having a dream relationship together now.  I would have lost this bet.  ...and this has been some months now...she's not in a cycle, this is real, what we are sharing now.  That said, we just last night talked about her BPD as it relates to where she lives and what she's doing now...another thing I thought would never happen...us looking at her BPD together and deciding her best next steps in light of it and who she is.

During this time she's away, and if you can't do anything about it, or don't want to...my thoughts are, stay the course with yourself and changing what you need or want to for the benefit of the relationship you two have.  You will be learning and growing and gaining skills that will help when she returns.  That, at least, is my experience, and I am daily still at it, because I do love my child and want to be the best mother for her that I can.

I am so encouraged, though, by your beautiful expression of love for your daughter.  It is refreshing.

[Rosheger]

Lotr - hug gratefully accepted!
Thank you for your post.  I feel inspired by you.
 Yes, slow and easy is the way to go. I know that now

[Lulu808]

I feel your pain Rosheger - all I can say after being on this site for roughly a month is that you are not alone! My daughter has so far undiagnosed BPD, but after reading Walking on Eggshells and getting on this site - for the very first time in her life, everything is starting to make sense to me. I am broken hearted about my mother/daughter relationship as well. I always imagined that we were close and had a strong bond but she can barely have a conversation with me without yelling at me or saying something condescending or sarcastic or just saying, “Leave me alone, I hate you!”  The thing that I truly believe is that there is hope for both of us to repair our relationships with our daughters. Hang on to that! Sending you a virtual hug!

[Rosheger]

And sending you one back Lulu!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders