Disappointment in PC and Family T

[mama-wolf]

So, I had a bit of a disappointing encounter with our PC this week and am still trying to figure out where I went wrong.  I'm still convinced it's better to have him in place than not, but it seems he is not going to follow through on some things that I really had the impression that he would.  Pile on top of this the fact that the family therapist just won't answer even basic logistical emails from me, and it has made for a difficult week.

Back in May, uBPDxw and I met with both the family therapist and PC following a request for intervention that uBPDxw sent to the PC.  When he asked my position, I laid out multiple examples of inappropriate behavior on uBPDxw's part.  I indicated that in my opinion what she was asking for (cutting off my contact with the children during her custodial time) was not a good idea since it would isolate them further from any support while they were being exposed to her emotionally abusive behavior. 

After he verified the information I sent with the family therapist and D10's T, he called the meeting to say he basically won't get involved until uBPDxw's behavior improves and reaches certain benchmarks.  He specifically indicated that he and the therapists involved in our case should potentially report behavior like hers to CPS, but that they discussed that would not be the action taken at that time.  The family therapist also mentioned that there are various options to provide an opportunity for the time that the kids are with her to be more positive, to include a possible change in custody.

This led me to believe that if uBPDxw's behavior continued, there would be a report filed by the professionals involved in the case (which I would think may carry more weight than a report coming from me, the ex-spouse).  This also led me to believe that there was the potential for a recommendation to the court by them for the custody arrangement to be modified, reducing the time that my kids are with her and exposed to her behavior.  That is also something that I think would carry more weight than me trying to initiate such a change on my own.

Unfortunately, this week when I asked for an update on any follow-up to abusive behavior that I brought to the PC and family therapist's attention last week, he kind of went off on me.  He sent this long message about how he, the family therapist, and D10's T are not responsible for changing the custody order, and that I should work with my attorney if that's what I wanted to pursue.  I responded to clarify I was just looking for some communication and responsiveness to my prior message.  I told him he's correct that at this point I don't think the current arrangement is in my kids' best interests, but that I did not think my personal assessment on that mattered very much--especially to a judge.  I reminded him of the meeting in May and said in general I was looking for them to intercede in the case of inappropriate behavior, through interventions in family therapy, his engagement as the PC, and their professional duty to report. 

While the PC's response to this was somewhat conciliatory, he basically said since uBPDxw's behavior hasn't reached the benchmarks established, he's just not going to act on her request to cut of contact between me and the kids during her custodial time.  He went further to say he thought we might need to have a conversation so that I better understand the role of the PC and the role of family therapy.  Essentially, he said he's not going to take any action.

I get that I'm on my own, and will of course be working with my L to review options.  I'm just really confused as to why they would bring up CPS and potential changes in custody, and then act as if I'm off base when I look to them to follow through on it.  Don't get me wrong...I still think it's better to have them in place than not, because it naturally puts a limit on the level of inappropriateness that uBPDxw will think she can get away with.  It's just very discouraging to see that they will likely not follow through on much accountability for overall improvements in her behavior, which I thought was part of their role.

mw

[formflier]

Hey mama-wolf,

Haven't been in one of your threads in a while. 

Is it possible to post the email you sent that he "went off" on?

Perhaps we can point to something odd/triggering.  Who knows.

OK, the one part I didn't see was any report that after your initial talk your ex's behavior has gotten dramatically worse.  ( I didn't remember any change being discussed).

So it seems like the "T's" (lumping them in a group) acknowledged behavior that was "almost there" and then when you went back to them their response is "still not there yet".

So...if there is a description of behavior (especially provable) that takes things to another level, then I think we can help you formulate your message.

There is some tea leaf reading on my end, but I'm seeing them say "We support you but are not going to be leading the charge to change things."   (do you "see" them saying that?)

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

That's gotta be frustrating. On one hand they're indicating that you and the professionals are on the same page, and then they're saying, You don't understand how our roles work.

I'm also wondering if one of the problems is communication by email. Are you communicating through a secure vendor? I would guess anyone who works with high-conflict families has a heightened sense of documentation.

My PC would talk freely to me on the weekends during a crisis (e.g. n/BPDx implying he was taking our son out-of-state without permission) but then become super professional in emails to the point I felt whiplash.

I sense some CYA in how your PC is responding by email. If he doesn't report, then he's not doing his professional duty. Maybe he's trying to walk things back in documentation or pass responsibility to you, while at the same time encouraging you to pursue things through proper legal channels.

If that's accurate, then the ambiguity may be due to risk aversion more than anything.

My PC ended up withdrawing from our case. In our state, PCs have extension of judicial duties and are assigned through court order. It takes a hearing and judge's ruling to withdraw.

When the PC withdrew, my L said the move was wise because it effectively said to the judge, "The conflict in this case cannot be solved therapeutically and must be handled legally."

I wonder if that's what could be happening in your case, except that the way things are legally set up in your state doesn't account for withdrawal quite like it does where I live?

Either way, all arrows point to moving things back to court 

[mama-wolf]

Thanks LnL for the reply!  The PC does have authority to issue directives that carry the authority of a court order, and I could see some CYA happening here. 

I am actually in the process of renewing the PC's term for another year, and there is a hearing in a couple weeks.  The PC has already told my L that he agrees his services are needed in our case.  The Family T has also weighed in via email that she thinks having him in place is critical to her ability to serve as our treating family therapist. 

uBPDxw wanted to argue that the Family T was enough and that she can't afford to be responsible for half of the PC fees...now that the Family T sent that email, it's just an argument over "cost apportionment."  I'm fed up enough with uBPDxw's behavior that I have given my L free rein to bury uBPDxw on the financial argument...

And hi ff ...thanks for dropping in!

I don't intend to follow up further with the PC at this point, and will instead work with my attorney on the options from here. But will be happy to share the actual content of our exchange for reference and in case it helps anyone else out there.

I have sent multiple messages over the past few months with information about behaviors that were brought to my attention by the kids.  The most recent was a message sent on Monday of last week about uBPDxw cursing at and in front of the kids... a behavior that was specifically called out in the May meeting as needing to stop without question.

My initial request for an update was sent on Tuesday of this week, one week after I know the professionals spoke to each other (because I received a bill):

PC and Family T,

Could you please advise on the status of this issue?  I understand you each spoke with D10's T last week, but I have heard nothing further.  I also understand that Family T may want to speak with D10 and uBPDxw directly in the appointment this Thursday before any decisions are made, which is reasonable.

As of tomorrow, my kids will be headed to uBPDxw's house for another five-day stretch.  My chief concern at the moment--aside from their well-being in general--is the lack communication as to what is going on, what the plan is, and what I should be doing.

Message from the PC:

MW,

Family T, D10's T, and I have spoken.  We are all aware of your concerns regarding uBPDxw's behavior and will address the issues that arise as needed within our respective capacities.  However, I want you to understand that it is not any of our responsibilities or functions to change the custody schedule if you do not feel it is in your children’s best interests.  Family T is the family therapist – she will continue to meet with members of your family (in various combinations) to provide support and guidance on how these relationships might be able to improve, but she cannot change the custody schedule.  D10's T is D10’s therapist – she is supporting D10 and providing a resource for D10 to process her feelings and suggestions on techniques she can use in certain situations; but she cannot change the custody schedule.  As the PC, my primary functions are to coordinate this care with these professionals and to make decisions regarding issues over which I have the authority to make decisions in the event of an impasse – I would label the issues over which I have authority as “micro” in nature – but I cannot change the custody schedule.

Your concerns are “macro” in nature – you do not believe the current custody order is in your children’s best interests.  Neither Family T, D10's T, or myself get to change the custody order.  It is true that I can file a Report to the Court and bring it to the Court’s attention that I do not believe the current order is in the children’s best interests; but after my discussions with the other professionals, I have decided not to do so at this time.  I may decide to do so at a later date; but it is not my primary function to file that Report, and I will not do so based on a request from you, uBPDxw, or your attorneys – I will do so only if I determine it is absolutely necessary in my discretion.  I am not a custody evaluator, and a Report to the Court (in my opinion) is a “last resort.”   

Unless you and uBPDxw agree, only the Judge may modify the custody order.  If that is the route you are interested in pursuing, you should discuss your options with your attorney.  In the meantime, the professionals and I intend to continue to serve your family in our respective capacities and to communicate with each other as needed to coordinate care. 

My response:

PC,

Thank you for getting back to me.  I am a little confused by your response, and I get the sense that I have frustrated you.  I'm very sorry for any lack of knowledge/understanding on my part that has contributed to this, and want to try to clarify where I'm coming from.

At no point have I asked any of you to change the custody order.  When I ask what's going on and what the plan is, I'm referring to:

 - Knowing the outcome of something I have brought to your attention

• I escalated abusive behavior over a week ago, and I know you all spoke with each other, but there was no outcome communicated back to me such as "We have agreed Family T will speak with D10 and uBPDxw on 8/29 to evaluate"

- Receiving some form of reply when asking what my participation in sessions needs to be

• When I ask Family T when/whether I should plan to participate in any sessions this month, and I receive no reply.  A simple "You don't need to come until x date" would be sufficient and helpful so that I know what I should plan for.

- Understanding at least at a very high level what the plan is to follow through on any accountability for uBPDxw's behavior

• Family T set guidelines for uBPDxw's interactions with me which uBPDxw frequently violates.  When I bring those situations to Family T's attention, I rarely get any acknowledgement that it will be/has been addressed or even discussed.  I get that she can't tackle every little infraction, but the overall themes remain largely unchanged.

More importantly, we had a meeting with you three months ago that established expectations for improvement in uBPDxw's behavior.  There was one follow-up on this in late June, but there is no indication as to how long that monitoring is expected to happen, and no indication as to what the next step will be should said behavior continue (which it has).

I have been looking to you as the professionals involved in this case to identify and intercede in abusive and inappropriate behavior from uBPDxw--whether through direct interventions in family therapy, engaging as the PC, or following through on a duty to report.  I haven't asked for or demanded that any of you take any action because I know I have to trust your professional evaluation of the situation and your decisions for how to handle it.  What I have done is try to be consistent about sharing information that I think may be pertinent or relevant to those evaluations and decisions.

You are correct that in the course of the past year, I have become convinced that the current custody arrangements are not in my children's best interest.  However, I know that my own personal assessment doesn't really matter in this regard--especially to a Judge.  I get that there are some things that are out of scope for your roles, and your message has helped me develop an even better understanding for what those things are.  I will continue working with my attorney to understand and decide on the best path forward. 

In the interim, I am working very hard to trust that you are all doing what you can.  My main request is to have a little better communication and follow-up.

PC's final reply:

MW,

Understood.  You have not frustrated me, but l do want to make sure that you understand our respective roles in the process.  The types of issues that you have escalated, in my opinion, make it clear that you do not believe that the current order is in your children’s best interests.  I disagree with your comment that your personal assessment does not matter, especially to a Judge.  You need to discuss with your attorney your options and how the evidence is presented to a Judge to support your position (if, indeed, you pursue any sort of Motion). 

We may need to have a discussion about the PC process and the family therapy process so that you can understand what I believe is my role in this process, how issues get presented to the PC, and how they get resolved.  There is no need to “escalate behavior” to the PC – it is fine for me to be informed, but there is no response required from me since there was no request for my intervention – you informed me of the issue, and I discussed it with the relevant professionals. I am not sure what further “follow-up” you were expecting, but I would be happy to discuss it with you over the phone or in person.

Yes, you are correct that we met several months ago to discuss – among other things – uBPDxw's behavior; however, the “benchmarks” we discussed were in the context of uBPDxw's request that your telephone contact with D10 be limited during uBPDxw's custodial time.  uBPDxw had requested a limitation on your contact with D10 during her custodial time, which I reported (with Family T's endorsement) I would not address until we saw improvement in some of uBPDxw's behavior. Since those benchmarks have not been reached, the issue of reducing or limiting your telephone contact with D10 has not arisen again.  In essence, my belief is that the lack of a response from the PC is appropriate in this situation – since there are still issues with uBPDxw's behavior based on my discussions with the involved professionals, then there is no need for me to revisit uBPDxw's request to limit your telephone contact with D10 at this time.

Again, I think that we may need to discuss your understanding of the PC and family therapy processes and the intercessions you are expecting from me or from Family T, including any “duty to report” and the level of “follow-up” you are expecting.  If you would like to schedule a time to speak with me, please let me know and I would be happy to accommodate you as my schedule allows.  I know that you are trying to do your best in a difficult situation, and I do not want this e-mail or my previous e-mail to be perceived as a criticism,  I think that you are working very hard to understand this process and situation, but I want you to be on the same page with me and the other professionals of where we fit (and can provide assistance) with the process and with the various situations that arise.

I want to clarify that when I referred to follow-up, I did not mean that I expected him to do something.  I was referring to a follow-up response about status.  I just didn't feel it was worth it to continue engaging any further at this point and told him I would set something up to discuss if I needed any further clarification.

mw

[formflier]

OK..unless there is a dramatic change one way or another in your ex's behavior it would seem now that you just need to "log them" for the record..or "inform them".

Using about 1/10 of the words. 

When I read through this the message I get is keep the information flowing and accumulating, they will let you know if they need to escalate.

Perhaps..perhaps..they are encouraging you to make the request for a change. 

I would leave it up to your L to give an opinion if you "have enough".

Switching gears.

What befuddles me...how is it that pwBPD can't just keep the cuss words from coming out around kids..especially when the people that are evaluating them and can change their circumstances, are watching.

Do you think your ex may be kinda "giving the finger" to the system...or wants less time, but wants to also be a victim?  As in...if she just says you can keep them more..no drama there.

But if they are "taken" from her...drama.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

I read that last note as an encouragement for you to get yourself to a lawyer and ask for a modification.

It sounds like they realize they can't fix the problem but that it hasn't gotten to a CPS-reportable level.  If they are too candid with you, then they lose any chance of having your ex listen to them (not that she's doing much).

There should be plenty of documentation from all of this that your ex has been told there are issues with her behavior and that she is not making the changes requested.  Your L should be able to have fun with this.

[livednlearned]

My takeaway from the thread is that the PC respects you and understands very well your family's dynamics and where the primary conflict is coming from, and is also experienced with the high-conflict triangulation industrial complex machine that surround our situations.

He is being super clear about boundaries and roles because those are often tested and contested in our families -- not necessarily by you, but by lots of people in these high-stress, high-conflict dynamics. It's like he recognizes there's a breakdown in communication somewhere so he's addressing all the usual places where leaks spring.

I wonder, too, if there's also a dynamic where you see yourself as party to their solutions-based approach, whereas they see you more as someone who tells them what's going on, then they discuss what to do. They don't necessarily see you as part of the team, although they do see you as part of the solution, if that makes sense. Perhaps they just don't see need to involve you in the solution if there is no change needed, at whatever level or criteria they make those determinations. It could also be that they're working especially hard to prevent triangulation from occurring any more than it is, which means they aren't going to communicate any more than necessary.

I'm also not sure the PC is giving an inch on whether he'll help swing a modification one way or another. That part felt opaque to me, and very carefully worded. I agree with worriedStepmom that he seems to be encouraging a modification, but he's so professional in his response it's hard to say if he's a slam dunk.

What I do see is the PC and FT taking very seriously the need for your kids to have phone contact during their visits. That's big. That says they feel the kids are in sufficient emotional danger because if I'm not mistaken, the usual advice is to limit contact during high-conflict parental time so that kids will bond with the custodial parent.

I think you handled it well, m-w. The message seems to be "no response means we stick with status quo."

That's hard. Hopefully, though, this is a holding pattern until something definitive occurs. I could imagine that your ex has enough DBT skills to give the professionals the sense she deserves four and five bites of the apple. That doesn't mean she will get a sixth and seventh, it just means people like us have to be more patient than we want when our kids are involved.

[mama-wolf]

OK..unless there is a dramatic change one way or another in your ex's behavior it would seem now that you just need to "log them" for the record..or "inform them".

FF, yes pretty much that's the impression I have, along with the understanding that it will be up to me to start the legal action if/when deemed appropriate.  But as far as logging and informing, I need to take a different approach.  I'll get into that below...

Do you think your ex may be kinda "giving the finger" to the system...or wants less time, but wants to also be a victim?  As in...if she just says you can keep them more..no drama there.

But if they are "taken" from her...drama.

I have a friend at work who predicted that would be her approach within six months of our separation.  She would definitely play the victim willingly, though I'm not quite sure she's to the point of actually wanting me to try taking the kids from her.  Certainly not S6, who is her biological child, though she might not put up as much of a fight over D10 given their current relationship issues.  They're a package deal in my mind though.

There should be plenty of documentation...

Your L should be able to have fun with this.

Yes, worriedStepmom she's very ready to move forward whenever I am.  uBPDxw has definitely rubbed her the wrong way in a few encounters, and she knows I have been keeping track of a lot of information.  I'm just not ready for that battle yet, mentally or emotionally...but I continue gathering my resources and information, and will pull the trigger once I'm reasonably confident of my chances for being successful.  I know there's no guarantee, but I think it's a delicate balance between helping and protecting the kids in the situation we're in now vs. dragging them through the fire to get to a better arrangement.

I think you handled it well, m-w. The message seems to be "no response means we stick with status quo."

That's hard. Hopefully, though, this is a holding pattern until something definitive occurs.

Thank you, LnL...and I generally agree with your assessment of the exchange.  It was difficult at the time (my inner critic went berserk), and it has helped to get the additional perspective here.  I stayed away too long

So, I did have a meeting with the FT yesterday, which I had scheduled at my T's encouragement.  What I thought would be only a half hour check-in ended up being a full session, but we covered a lot of topics...

We talked about the kids' general behavior, conflict between them (including the call I got yesterday from the site coordinator at their before school program about them fighting frequently), and overall difficulties with transition time. We spent quite a bit of time on a couple of concerns she had specifically about D10...body image issues (based on an outburst in a prior session about salt intake and feeling fat), and extreme behavior that uBPDxw recorded on her phone when calling her to dinner (audio only since the camera was pointed at the floor). 

On the body image front, I was able to tell her that this had gotten better post separation from uBPDxw, but seems to be cropping up again a bit recently.  We talked about working with D10's T to be vigilant for the potential for developing an eating disorder.  As far as the behavior on the recording, which she described as "really awful," I told her that behavior just doesn't happen at my house.  She expressed concern about the potential for D10 essentially developing two separate personalities--one when with me and one when with uBPDxw--which could have its own serious clinical implications.  All of this is of course very scary to me.

The schedule for family sessions is currently primarily focused on D10 and uBPDxw, in part because that's where the biggest problems are, but it also removes me from interacting with uBPDxw which was causing me ongoing anxiety.  The family T is on board with me having a monthly one-on-one with her to stay engaged and updated on what's going on.  I am going to try to contain my information sharing/updates to those meetings rather than continuing to send her emails (even though I will continue documenting on my end).  I know that sending her all of that additional collateral detail can be counter-productive, and she doesn't exactly have copious amounts of time outside of session to go over it.  She will let me know in the one-on-one sessions (or via brief phone update if something major comes up) whether I need to plan to attend any of the upcoming family sessions.

It took until well into the hour before we addressed the exchange with the PC, my confusion since I wasn't the one who brought up things like CPS and custody in the first place, etc.  She said he seemed to be very much answering as an attorney, though he could have probably packaged it a little differently. 

She did ask where I am at this point, and I said it feels like pushing for more custody is my only option right now.  Told her I really don't want to do that--don't want to drag my kids through that, don't want to be the instigator and villain and offer uBPDxw the opportunity to play the victim.  I also still want the kids to have a relationship with two functioning parents, but if uBPDxw is damaging them I don't feel like I have any other choice.  I actually broke down a little at that point, which is uncommon for me and really sucked.  I had even told my T earlier in the week that I was afraid that would happen, and she tried encouraging me that it would be OK, but my trust in the family T has been a little shaken over the past few months so it was very difficult for me.

The family T said something about the potential for taking further legal action bringing up a lot of past conflict or anxiety for me--I can't remember what wording she used, but I agreed and I told her I'm not ready to do that yet.  She said she has seen some very slight improvement in overall dynamics--aside from the recent cursing incident--but acknowledged that sustainability is still questionable.  We talked about the backstop of the PC's ability to make a report to the court, the fast-tracking that would enable for scheduling with the court, and the fact that he would be responsive to her assessment of if/when that might be necessary based on some urgent situation.  Otherwise, I will be continuing to watch for indication that action is needed on my end if the therapeutic process reaches a dead end.

At this point, it looks like we give it some more time.

mw

[formflier]

mama-wolf

Your posts are really easy to follow because you "connect the dots" on your thinking and your emotions...and to the situation in general.  Good job on that!  I'm sure it can be exhausting putting all that together.

Types of documentation:

2 thoughts

1.  Bad stuff (I'm confident you have this handled)

2.  Pathways to good stuff your ex has chosen NOT to walk or is unable to walk, for whatever reason.

Not sure we've talked much about 2.  I think it could be almost as important to have a detailed list of the recommendations for change and compare to what she actually did, even if there is not an outburst or bad thing.

Establishing patterns is important.

Why?

Let's hope that you have enough ammo in 1 to substantially change the custody.  Then 2 may not matter.  However if things go sideways or the court is sympathetic then you want a clear pathway to "something positive".  Perhaps a new ruling could be more directive about things she will and will not do.

Switching gears.

I would want you to discuss with family T (in the future) more about the concerns about two personalities.  Kids understand that parental figures are different so you can see dramatic changes in behavior between (let's say) permissive parents and a "strong teacher".  Almost to the point where you would doubt it's the same child.

When in reality...they know what they can and can't get away with.

Basically...I want your level of concern to match what the family T intended you have to over that statement.

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

Have you defined criteria for yourself on when you would go back to court?

I realized my anxiety got higher this summer when we had a lot of turmoil going on and no end in sight.  It helped when I sat down and thought about what I would need to see or not see to start pushing my H into going back to court.

It's okay if you aren't ready to initiate proceedings right now.   I think that, like me, you'll do better if you have a plan for when you'll want to turn your L loose.

[ForeverDad]

this had gotten better post separation from uBPDxw, but seems to be cropping up again a bit recently

General thought... "Two steps forward, one step back" is not distressing as long as the overall progress is positive.  Recovery will be an extended process, not an event.

[mama-wolf]

Types of documentation:

2 thoughts

1.  Bad stuff (I'm confident you have this handled)

2.  Pathways to good stuff your ex has chosen NOT to walk or is unable to walk, for whatever reason.

Yes, this is a good point on item 2.  I have noted recommendations and then the direct violations of those recommendations--in addition to the generally unacceptable "bad stuff."

As far as the question of personalities, I'm generally concerned that the FT seems to be playing into uBPDxw's perception that there is something significantly and fundamentally wrong with D10.  She is suggesting the possibility of D10 developing an eating disorder or different personalities without acknowledging the likelihood that the abusive environment she's in is very likely to be causing those dangers. 

Which brings me to...

Have you defined criteria for yourself on when you would go back to court?

Yes, I am very inclined to have my L start on action the next time I learn of any repeat abusive behavior.  I just have to get a sense for what threshold is reasonable.  Yelling at them probably isn't it...I get pushed to my limits and yell sometimes, too.  Another cursing incident maybe, but absolutely without question if I hear of another item thrown or piece of furniture shoved in their presence.

At this point, I see the FT and PC as a containment system for the worst outcomes, but they are not likely to make anything significantly better.  The FT is helping with some improvements, but they are relatively small from my perspective...and that may be the extent of what she's able to accomplish.  My T and I have discussed that uBPDxw may not ever really get better.

General thought... "Two steps forward, one step back" is not distressing as long as the overall progress is positive.  Recovery will be an extended process, not an event.

Very true, FD, and thank you for the perspective.  I have been trying to tell myself that some positive progress is a good thing, especially since any sustained improvement on uBPDxw's part will take a very long time to accomplish.  My primary concern is the ongoing damage she continues to do to my kids in the meantime.

mw

[formflier]

My guess is the FT is qualified to diagnose the eating disorder and/or causes.  ( I could be wrong)

I think the reasonable thing to do is ask your GP for a referral to someone that is board certified (if there is one for eating disorders) with eating disorders.

Two questions

1.  Does she have one?
2.  Can you rule out she does NOT have one?
3.  Does her environment contribute to her developing one (or if she has one what role has environment played)  Ask for specifics here.

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

Do you feel frustrated that you're the only one seeing how desperate things are becoming for D10?

Or do you feel the other professionals involved are aware and have a plan?

[mama-wolf]

My guess is the FT is qualified to diagnose the eating disorder and/or causes.  ( I could be wrong)

Based on her credentials (licensed psychologist), I would say she is definitely qualified to diagnose such.  She didn't say that D10 has those issues now...just observed the possibility of developing them over time.  And I do think she sees the potential for the environment D10 is in (50% of the time with uBPDxw) to contribute to the condition(s).  What I'm lacking in a clear understanding of whether the FT will call that out definitively or not.  It does not seem like a good idea to wait for them to manifest and only then do something about it.

Do you feel frustrated that you're the only one seeing how desperate things are becoming for D10?

Or do you feel the other professionals involved are aware and have a plan?

I am frustrated that I see it, my T sees it (at least the potential for it), and D10's T seems to see it (as far as the fact that D10 does remarkably well when not with uBPDxw).  But the FT seems to be buying into some of uBPDxw's version of reality, and I don't know if its in an attempt to keep her engaged or if she really does believe some of the warped perceptions.  I get that I have my own biases, but I also bend over backwards to provide information as objectively as possible.

From what I can tell, the PC's plan is to do nothing until prompted by the FT, unless specifically asked by one of us to weigh in on a topic...at which point he may or may not take action. 

If the FT has a plan, I take it she is playing it very safe by being as vague as possible due to the high-conflict nature of the situation.  She described her role as one to make clinical observations and advise us on our options.  She seems like she's going to stay pretty firmly in that lane, and I am going to have to get more specific with my questions to ensure I get the information I need.

My T has encouraged me to have an agenda of topics to discuss in my one-on-one meetings with the FT, to help make sure my concerns are addressed.  I'll ask the FT's clinical opinion and the options as she sees them, and will have to go from there.

mw

[livednlearned]

I'll ask the FT's clinical opinion and the options as she sees them, and will have to go from there.

That's good advice from your T. I have had one-on-one sessions with my son's T, wanting to address a specific topic. Somehow I come away with what seems like nothing.

I go in with expectations that I'll get an answer and instead it feels like I wade into a warm pool and get sleepy 

Like I want an action plan with bulleted items and T treats it like therapy is the action plan.