My uBPD mom’s behaviour is escalating

[Doodlemommy53]

Hi All,
First-time post here.  I’m dealing with some issues with my mom, who hasn’t been diagnosed with BPD.  I had to go to therapy to talk about my issues with her, and my therapist said she thinks my mom has BPD tendencies, although she can’t officially diagnose her.
My childhood was pretty good, if anything I remember feeling under pressure to have good grades, etc. The worst started after my first daughter was born.  Some smothering behaviour where she was making choices that I should be making, reaching across me in the car to adjust something in the baby’s car seat.  When I called her out on it, there was a huge blowup. She left our house, went to my brothers, and barely talked to me for a whole year.  My dad said to me, “Whatever you said, you really upset her.”  Over the next bit of time, there seems to be a cycle of her using passive aggressive comments to voice displeasure over choices we’ve made, where we moved, etc.  Also a trip where I took the girls with my parents and visited relatives.. it was a nightmare: she would impulsively insist we drop in on someone with little notice, or leave abruptly when one of my kids got hurt.  I felt as though I imposed on 3 different families that I cared about during that trip alone, out of my moms doing. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, even if my kids were exhausted.
We recently lost my Grandpa (Moms Dad).  We went to his funeral, and me, husband and girls went on a family vacation.  She was apparently upset that we didn’t ask her to come.  I got the silent treatment for a week after I asked her to please be open so we can discuss it. Then she acted like nothing was wrong and sent me a little text with heart emojis and stuff from my dads phone..  When I called her, she was in tears saying that it’s never been the same since that run-in 10 years ago, that she barely knows my husband, etc. She made me promise not to tell anyone how she feels because she doesn’t want anyone else to know.  In the moment, I pandered to her because I’ve never heard her so upset.  During that conversation, she mentions that my Grandpas internment was last week.  That the family came, there was a ceremony and music.  It was during my week of silent treatment and she never bothered to tell me the details.  I said “Wow, I would’ve like to have gone to that.” And she said , “Well, things weren’t good with you, and I didn’t tell your brother about it either.  Anyways, it was a really good family time.”  This floored me.  My brother lives 13 hours away, I’m only 45 mins.  My dad was on speaker phone for this, and it made me wonder why he let this happen too. Or if he knew about her not telling me.
  My dad said she really wants to see us more, and we’ve made plans for this weekend, but I’m dreading it.  I need to set some boundaries but I know it won’t be pretty.  The kids will be with us too.  I’m writing to ask for tips and some good vibes.  It’s really escalated, maybe because of her fathers passing.  She seems to demand more time with us,  and my instinct is telling me to run away fast.  Obviously I’m finding it’s consuming my thoughts, and it’s rather toxic and non productive.
Thanks in advance for reading this, any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.  

[gotbushels]

Doodlemommy53  welcome.

You're going through some difficult times with a mother (M) whom you think has BPD traits. You aren't alone on this, there's heaps of people here who have similar situations.

Maintaining your relationship with your therapist (T), I think, is very important for you at this stage. Even though the BP party has got the big share of the obvious issues, it can be very taxing on significant others (SO's) and caregivers like you. So I encourage you by sharing with you the hope that you can get peace out of this relationship.

The worst started after my first daughter was born. 

When another human (your daughter) enters the picture, one whom a caregiver (you) can invest life energy in to, then the BP party (your M) may act out.

I felt as though I imposed on 3 different families that I cared about during that trip alone, out of my moms doing. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, even if my kids were exhausted.

I appreciate what it's like to give in to someone else's impulses to be around other people. I know the feeling of when we are complicit and thereby imposing on other people.

Then she acted like nothing was wrong and sent me a little text with heart emojis and stuff from my dads phone..

After I had quarrels or disagreements with my Undiagnosed-BPD ex-girlfriend (UexBPDgf), I was thunderstruck by her ability to appear like nothing happened. Two good examples are after she punched me in the face and cheated on me. A fairly common story in this area, so moving forward—there's a lot of possible reasons why people like that do that—and the one I found most helpful for me was this. The understanding that some people like that don't want to bear the responsibility of consequences for their actions. So that allowed me to accept that it's nonsensical for me to expect from these people an understanding of consequences the way more emotionally intelligent people do. Then don't attack them for their inability (this perpetuates the drama), but really to accept their inability, then don't set them up to fail.

To not set someone up to fail in our eyes I think looks like this. If I had an M like yours, I don't expect her to know what consequences lying to people has. Therefore, I wouldn't expect her to be honest with me. Therefore I don't take what she says as truthful. Therefore I don't get as irritated or angry or upset when I catch her on it because I didn't expect her to tell the truth anyway. It's a bit like dealing with various types of children—but of course keep clear in your mind's eye she's not your child.

My dad was on speaker phone for this, and it made me wonder why he let this happen too. Or if he knew about her not telling me.

I appreciate the curiosity or surprise you might feel that people are complicit with things that don't make sense to be complicit with. Being an SO of a UexBPDgf, I had skin in the game similar to your dad in this example. I understood more of the why from the book I've recommended below.

I hope you'll share more and continue to participate. Me too, I got heaps of good vibes and a true treasure trove of tips from this community—I hope the same for you too.



Acronyms here.

Your story reminded me of a lot of what's covered in here. It's excellent and I highly recommend it. You spoke about setting boundaries with an M, and I found I got this from the book too:

- discussions about consequences, and the support implied for the non wanting to support their own boundaries

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[Harri]

Hi Doodlemommy.  I want to join gotbushels in saying .  I am glad you found us and decided to post.  You really are not alone and you are now in a place where people understand and are working through learning to manage similar situations or have already done so.

Gotbushels really nailed a lot of things in his post to you.  Having appropriate expectations about how your mom will behave, react, etc is vital.  I don't say that to excuse her behavior, which we don';t ever want to do, rather it is to help you focus on what is important (your family) and respond appropriately without getting into a drama triangle with her or getting off center.

We have a lot of stuff to read here.  The best place to start is in this post tacked to the top of this board:  HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOARD

She wouldn’t take no for an answer, even if my kids were exhausted.

Can you tell us more about this?  I am curious what you think would happen if you stuck to your guns and said no, my kids are tired, but please go visit yourself. 

I hope you settle in and read.  We definitely get it here and this is a safe and accepting place so jump in and post away!