How do you think your parent with BPD effected you?

[LFCNZ]

I’m curious as to how my mothers BPD effected me and I guess just how I would have turned out with a non-BPD parent.

I had/have social anxiety, that seems to have subsided as I’ve gotten older, but still quite an anxious person, and drink(yeah I’m probably an alcoholic) to deal with stress/anxiety.

How do you think your parents BPD has effected you?

[Methuen]

I’m curious as to how my mothers BPD effected me...

I think this is a super interesting question, which I've been asking myself all summer.  

I'm a worrier.  Have struggled with anxiety at certain times in my life.  I also tend to always think of the worst case scenario first...and plan for it...daily.  Tend to imagine catastrophe's in most situations.  Terrible nightmares through my life.  Am currently trying to work on letting the negative thoughts go, and looking for more positive ones.  H is pretty good at reminding me when I forget, or I just figure it out from his body language.  I'm also super exciteable (as are most of my cousins whose mom's are/were probably BPD too), and frequently get reminded by my adult kids to calm down.  Tend to overthink everything.  Used to stress out trying to be perfect until I was into my 30's when I think I moved past that.  Worry worry worry.

I can't even begin to think about how I would have turned out without a BPD parent. I'm not even sure it would be helpful, because that is "looking back" and more likely to make me less satisfied and even more frustrated or sad.  Better I think to just live in the present, and just try to move forward.

[Maya L]

I have thought about this a lot during the past year since I started therapy. I think it has effected me lots in my every day life. I can agree in much of what you guys said.

I don't handle my own mistakes well, I get very angry with myself if I make a mistake, especially if something goes to waste, I destroy or loose something.

I have over time developed some OCD which really started when I had a boss who had lots of bpd traits. It could take me 45 min extra after work, to "check" that everything was ok before I could close up, lock the door and leave. Now it's mostly with fire safety at home, I need to check electric stuff, windows, water taps, the door etc so it's really, really closed or off. Lots of anxiety around this.

I overthink most things and tries to find the best solution to every situation, even small ones. If I can't think out the best decision, like if I don't have all the info about the matter yet then I can freeze and take a long time deciding, again, even with the tiniest things, like, should I buy milk, what if we already have some at home and then I end up with too much.

I am on alert and ready to be abandoned or physically attacked by people.

When I see happy families, like friends, strangers or in documentaries I get very emotional and can start to cry. Especially when I see parents caring about their child, it can be as simple as the parent hugging a child who looks like he/she feels totally safe with the parent.

Some of these things are slowly getting better now though, therapy is helping.

[ProudDad12]

I can relate to so much of this! I won't say too much because I'd basically be rehashing what's already been said, but I'm also an OCD overthinking worrier who comes down hard on himself over every mistake and feels the need to fix every problem presented. I didn't even know BPD was a thing until few years ago so I always just assumed that's how I'm wired.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD did everything she could to make sure my siblings and I were enmeshed in her feelings and never became separate people from her. I have spent much of my life depressed and anxious, feeling like a terrible failure. I have never married, had children, or been all that successful careerwise. It is only through many years of therapy, practicing mindfulness on a daily basis, and the kindness of people sometimes strangers, including members who have responded to my posts on this site, that I have been able to have many more good moments than bad. My life keeps getting better and better, as I continue to attract more of what I deserve in terms of people and experiences. I will never completely heal from the sorrow of having a mother with BPD yet since she died this summer I have been experiencing  a lot of relief. My mom can never abuse me again. There is great sorrow though that I still have family members that treat me with contempt because I have been the one that refuses to accept the toxic family narrative that my mother was a wonderful person.
There are some positives for me in having a mother with BPD. I have loads of compassion for others, knowing that often times we are not to blame for how our parents' mean behaviors have negatively impacted us. I also have hope for others knowing, it is possible to face the pain of having a BPD mother, and indeed have a happy productive life once we have processed a lot of the pain and feel good enough about ourselves to go forward with hope, courage, and respect for self and others.

[Methuen]

Hi Zachira

There are some positives for me in having a mother with BPD. I have loads of compassion for others

You are so right!  If there's a silver lining in having a parent with BPD, maybe searching for it would be useful...I'm working on doing a better job of looking for the positives...  I think I've always done a pretty good job of helping others see the positives in their lives, but your line from the above quote box reminded me I need to do the same when it comes to myself (especially around my mother).  I too have loads of compassion for others, and an overabundance of empathy, to the point where sometimes I FEEL what someone is describing as if I'm that person.  It can be quite intense.  I've always been seen by others as caring, and I'm a good listener. People I hardly know seem to feel safe enough to share all their problems with me in the grocery store (I live in a small town).  I also like to help people.  It makes me feel good to help people, and thankfully I've usually been able to "let go" of their burdens and not carry them with me.  I'm not a "better" (as in gambler), but I'm guessing that these traits are not uncommon for some children of BPD's.  It would be interesting to hear from others about any positives they can find in being the child of a BPD... I think you raised an interesting point, as it helps us find a way to turn a negative into a positive.

[Longterm]

Such a great topic.

I'm unsure what my mother was, I'm very confused right now but I think it's safe to say my childhood has very much shaped who I am today. I can relate to all the above traits, some more than most.

There are many positives to take and I think it's important to be grateful for some of the more desirable traits. I think OCD is actually not all that bad. I can money manage very well and have several savings pots for things nobody would even think of. I actually started to save for this Christmas last November. Some might see this as extreme but I have no money problems leading up to Christmas so that cant be bad. My control issues are pleasant for me at times, my need to organise means I have every possibility covered for trips or appointments etc. Its a bit hard when I have to check taps etc but gotta take the good with the bad I guess.

LT.

[Carmilla]

This is such an interesting question and I've been thinking about it a lot, lately, too. It changed a lot over the years. As a child and teenager I had bad social anxiety, very low self-esteem. My mom would rage at the drop of a hat, which could be triggered by anything. I have many memories of me trying to do something for the first time and struggling, making her angry, which made me the kind of person who gives up very easily and thinks they're not good at anything. I believed everything my mom told me about myself. I was also a little dissociative, or at least appeared apathetic to others and often felt like I'm just living in my mind. It was my safe haven and I wrote poetry every single day which, I'm pretty sure, saved my life. Also, since I grew up with just my mom and she never worked, I had no model for work ethic or healthy long-term relationships. Things improved in my 20s, my mom started to get insight into her mental illness and was very apologetic. Over several years she invested a lot in mending our relationship, and became more supportive and appreciative of me as a daughter and overall human, and that has been amazing. I'm still an avoidant person but I am social, I have a family and I'm warm and open. But I definitely have some reserve, I struggle with ADD and I am very good at compartmentalizing my emotions and "getting on with it." The world can burn around me and I can still slap a smile on my face if I have to. I guess that's a double-edged sword. For most of my life, I was seen as that level-headed person you could rely on, I'm a great listener, and I seldom judge. But I judge myself intensely, and I have a hard time talking about my own problems. When times are tough my reaction is to isolate.
I also learned a lot about how not to parent.
There are definitely some positives, though. My mom showed me that you can live an offbeat life and make unconventional life decisions. She encouraged creativity and doing what I like and she didn't push me too hard (probably because she thought I'm completely useless, but, silver linings). I also believe I became a more compassionate, thoughtful, and, especially, resilient person through our relationship.

[LFCNZ]

Interesting, I can definitely relate to most of the posts here, OCD, anxiety, overthinking stuff, over alert empathy I guess, which can be good to a degree, but bad in other ways.

[Turkish]

Social anxiety, low self-esteem, and over alert empathy. Interesting common feelings.

I can't put all of those on my mother.  By the time she adopted me at 2.4, I had been though my birth patents, birth grandparents and aunt, and foster care. I also have a genetic condition where I was often mercilessly bullied and ostracized by peers.  This, in part, drove me to associate with adults more than kids my age, an old soul.

When I was 13, a year younger neighbor who liked me (and I her) invited me to her birthday gathering at a small arcade. She and her friends, whom I knew (we lived in a small rural community) were in the arcade.  At some point I fled to sit I  a booth. She came out to ask what was wrong.  I couldn't give an answer. She went back to her friends, I didn't blame her. 

Not too much older, I realized that social anxiety or not,  I made her birthday about me, and I felt guilty. It took decades for me to see this, but I realized that my mother often acted the same way: fleeing some innocuous gathering over some perceived slight based upon whatever was going on inside her head.

In my late 20s, i connected with an acquaintance from college in another state. He invited me to his wedding.  The morning of, I froze. I couldn't imagine showing up by myself. Though I was a good navigator of maps (this was before Yahoo maps, the late 90s), I excused myself that I wouldn't be able to find the venue.

I hated myself, he had no idea. Though he worked for another company,  he still made my small, intimate send off dinner when I left the state for another job. 

My then boss compared me to Will in Good Will Hunting. She saw my potential, and that I had issues keeping me from reaching that.  Still, stubborn me, all about me...

Even when I was a teenager, my boss (owner) at the cafe in which I worked from 16-20 pushed me from waning dishes to prep to cooking to waiting tables. That horrified me.  I'd rather be the evil prime minister behind the scenes. 

It took another job into my early 30s to push myself, kicking and screaming (inside), into being more assertive. Then I met my uBPDx, who had depression and later I found out Anxiety. A mini-mom to rescue, a Mystery to solve 

I was still stuck in my own past, my personality traits perhaps indistinguishable from  who I was as opposed to whom I waa expected to be based upon the needs of others:

Not a freak? (Emotional cut-off from peers and some adults)

A proxy parent? (Parentification)

A proxy husband/partner? (Emotional Incest)

An object for my mother to assert her First-Wave Feminism by being a single adoptive mother of a transracial child when both were very controversial in the early 70s? (Not sure what to call this).

Who was me?

My recent struggle here over the last few years was who am I supposed to be apart from rescuing my mother? What's my role and obligation? Can I be free (should I?). Is that feeling wrong?

Can I be myself apart from obligations to others?

Though I've often been tired of life (severely at times), I've always kept this in the back of my mind: "Never give up! Never surrender!"

No, that's not Winston Churchill, that's from Galaxy Quest 

[IvyB]

Love this post!
My therapist believes I had a uNPD dad and a uBPD mom.

From uBPD mom:
I worry more and think about worst case scenario. I think I'm somewhat OCD. I can relate to others, intense empathy where I can almost see myself in their situation. I'm always afraid of offending.

From uNPD dad:
I work hard, super competitive and over-achiever which led to some career success. I'm afraid of making mistakes and always looking for ways to improve, would rather hear critical feedback than praise.

[LFCNZ]

I've found the less interaction I have had with my mother, the less I seem to be overly in tune or maybe care about other peoples feelings/perceptions in regards to themselves or in regards to me, this has helped me to not be as anxious in social situations I feel, or maybe its just the older Ive got, I care less.

[IvyB]

Thinking about it more, the biggest silver lining for me is that nothing in the future will be as bad for me as my childhood was. That part of my life is done.
All of that emotional pain will never happen to me again, simply because I don't need to put up with it as an adult. After being the only child of a uNPD dad and a uBPD mom, life can only get better as I won't be manipulated, verbally abused and constantly made to feel not good enough. My childhood taught me self-reliance, resilience and grit.

[TelHill]

It's hard to say what would have been with a more stable upbringing.  Not following through on friendships with people is the item that bothers me the most. I tend to bail when I start feeling closer. 

[secretgirl]

Love this post!
My therapist believes I had a uNPD dad and a uBPD mom.

From uBPD mom:
I worry more and think about worst case scenario. I think I'm somewhat OCD. I can relate to others, intense empathy where I can almost see myself in their situation. I'm always afraid of offending.

From uNPD dad:
I work hard, super competitive and over-achiever which led to some career success. I'm afraid of making mistakes and always looking for ways to improve, would rather hear critical feedback than praise.

omg... this is EXACTLY my situation and EXACTLY me.
uNPD dad.. always critical, me wanting to be the best for him always... never getting the approval i sought after which made me an over achiever at everything and slightly OCD. VERY disappointed in myself if i do poorly on something.

uBPD mom... turned me into a codependent... feel like I always have to take care of others feelings/wrongdoings. Feel guilty if i DON'T help anyone in pain/showing emotional pain. Feel shame if I don't deal with someone's lashing out and just ditch them. (Probably why I was unable to form strong boundaries growing up).