Do you still share things with your BPD SO just to be nice?

[gadget]

Many times when I text my wife nice things I get no response to that comment.

For example, many TV shows we used to watch together and she loved are coming back on (Goldberg’s, American Horror Story, Masked Singer, The Walking Dead).  So I’m debating on texting her as each of those starts up again.

But part of me doesn’t care and feels it will fall on deaf ears anyway.  Another example.  I texted her the other day at 5:30pm to say “I hope you had a good day today.  See you tomorrow at 8am so my son in law and I can go to our Karate test”.

No response for 6 hours though I know she was on FB all night.  Then after 6 hours all I get is “Ok”.

Makes me wonder why I text her at all.

Gadget

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[Birddog]

Have very tough time with texting, or phones in general. I think it might be fear of engulfment as mentioned in other posts.

Gets tricky when you get an sos call or need to communicate a critical change in plans, and then ALL communication channels go dead for six hours, and she thinks, oh, I don’t need to respond.

The schools and other family members know she is completely unreliable with being able to be reached.

The in laws thought for a while I was restricting access, then they witnessed this going on first hand in disbelief.

[gadget]

It’s very sad.  My daughter really needed her mother the other day because her 5 month old infant had a rash all over.  She called her many times over about an hour.  No response.  She finally called back and said “I was making dinner”.  We all find that hard to believe because she lives on her phone 24/7.

She was crying at the end of their call.  Im sure she felt like crap for not being available when her daughter needed her.

Living in the shadow of this BPD life sure hurts way more people than just the husband and wife.

Gadget

[Red5]

My ubpd wife seems to have become very aggravated at my texts... I was only trying to keep the communication portal open...’she has asked me for all kinds of things’... help with this that or the other... haul this off, pick this up, I need this tool...and I ALWAYS respond...

She sent me this a while back... so save texting to ask if she made it through the  Hurricane alright... I’ve stopped it.

She wrote me this about a week ago...

I really don’t care what you relate to. I’m done with a couple of text messages about the weather. You obviously aren’t changing and neither am I. Just get on with your life and let me and my kids get on with ours

... ho-hum and balderdash... she goes stone cold... well until she REALLY needs something from me that her sisters or her mum won’t do for her... her two adult children live many state lines away...

I picked up an automan she liked a while back and repaired it for her and took it to her house... we had wine, small talk, and when I left, the first kiss in eight months...

Then as soon as I got home she texts me... and starts in about my Son and his visits to his mother... totally out of the blue stuff... like the torpedo under the waterline at midnight... boom,

This turned into a phone call that resulted right right into fight modem...’shame blame brain drain’... I did my best not to JADE, even tried validation and SET...  it she was too far gone...

I’ve not seen her or spoken to her since 3 Aug... except for one instance...  is get this... she calls me and tells me there is s sign by the road about German Shepherd pups!

Which resulted in me adopting an eight week old GS puppy,

When I did get her and send her a pic of him... she actually acted like she was mad abaout it... which resulted in the above “weather text”...

I did text her and ask her via one more text...if she would be alright during the storm... she said... “me and her -dogs name- can take care of ourselves”...

Then I texted again...’how did you fare in the hurricane...’RU ok’...

No response...  but then she called me, but I missed it as I was on chainsaw duty...

She left a voice msg... “

Hi note no need to return the call I was just calling to see um how everything was for you when Jake I'm fine my family fine um no need to _⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_ anyway bye…”

Yeah... bpd’isms... it gets old after so long : (

Red5

[gadget]

Good to hear from you again Red5!

I was only trying to keep the communication portal open ...’she has asked me for all kinds of things’... help with this that or the other ... haul this off, pick this up, I need this tool...and I ALWAYS respond ...
 
she goes stone cold ... well until she REALLY needs something from me.

My wife does the same thing.  I message her and no response for 6 hours, yet when she needs something from me and I don’t respond back in a timely manner ...

Nice you at least had the kiss.  What I wouldn’t give for some closeness from my wife.  Only closeness I get is when she cuts my hair once a month.

She was over today to help with my special sons bath, and it is his birthday today.  He is 25  now.  She even brought over some chicken parm she made to share with us.

Lately her talks go into a weird place.  She asks how I’m doing money wise.  She has her own job, and took 90% of her bills with her when she left.  She is broke and wants to cancel therapy tomorrow because she has no money.  I told her I’d pay for it always.  She said I can’t afford it either.  But I can.  She asks what I’m spending weekly on groceries.

This is her choice to go.  To not have any money.  Now I feel like I can’t let on that I buy new things, or go out, or join a Yoga class, because I do have the money to do those things and she does not.  I feel I have to hide from her that I’m doing pretty well money wise.

Gadget

[hardrockcy]

it seems that bpd's are like robots.  everywhere the same behaviour!

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Gadget,

Funny that you should mention it.  I texted my W last night to remind her to tape American Horror Story.  She replied she didn't know if she had the channel, then she sent me a screenshot of her TV with "I guess I do".  It's funny how us non's think so much alike!

SH4

[gadget]

I texted my wife that same thing.  It was our favorite.  She also asked me what channel

Gadget

[once removed]

So I’m debating on texting her as each of those starts up again.

i understand the urge to share things with the person you have spent 30 years of your life with. i say i understand: i appreciate it. i can only begin to understand, i have barely been alive much longer.

if she initiated the split, this is not likely to be well received. it may push her away. and it results in disappointment for you.

i think if you are trying to reconcile the relationship, the strongest message you can send is that you accept (not necessarily like) the circumstances.

[gadget]

Thanks once removed!

I do hope to reconcile one day.  So many rules for us non BPD to remember/follow to give us a fighting chance for the future we hope for.

Gadget

[blackorchid]

SH4,

youre right there is so much similarities in how us nons think.

[gadget]

It’s almost like you need to totally forget, not talk to, not contact your SO unless they reach out to you first.

Have to be consumed with everything for yourself until there is no room left for them.  At least for now.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

It’s almost like you need to totally forget, not talk to, not contact your SO unless they reach out to you first.

Have to be consumed with everything for yourself until there is no room left for them.  At least for now.

Gadget

Yes!  This is what I try so hard to follow.  And in my defense, , she did reach out to me first and was asking for the Netflix login, so when I gave it to her I said ...and don't forget AHS starts tonight.  I think I was ok because she replied with a pic that she found the channel it was on!

Navigating this is just so very hard sometimes.

[once removed]

its a matter of reading the other person. this is hardest to do when we are in it, and emotions are so high.

not long ago there was a member on the Detaching board, where the roles were reversed (she was ending it, he wanted to save it).

any time he talked about saving it, or appealed to the good times in the relationship, it pushed her away. it made her want to say "its over" even more loudly.

if you were in breaking up with someone, it probably isnt what you would want to hear either. this is a human nature thing, not a bpd thing.

i know this is hard. we are here with you.

[gadget]

Thanks once removed,

I’m glad I have you all here with me.  And everyone understands what it is like to go through this to one degree or another.

It’s like our best defense is to do nothing, say nothing, unless our BPD SO talks to us first.

So difficult when zero logic applies here.  I do want to give myself the best chance for her to come back.  The silent treatments/limbo is hard to wait through.

Gadget