Do i call out her triangulation? Where do i go from here?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey again! Ive been posting her a few times since me and my Ex diagnosed BPD partner split up back in June. In my last thread i wrote about an encounter with her which ended with us sleeping in the same bed and her telling me she wants to try again.. The weeks after that we were in contact. We were spraking daily and IT felt like we were finally starting to get back together. Then the contact just died slowly but surely and she didnt really seem intersted in chatting. We had LC for a couple weeks then she suddenly asks me if i want to join a party shes going to. Where she lives! 3 hours from where i live... I was si glad, took the Next bus and was picked up by her at the bus station. Went to her place and chatted for a couple hours and had some beers before we went to the party. We were supposed too go together and i would spend the night at her familys house, bit 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave she says shes going to an aftrrparty with a couple friends. I then went to the nearest hotel, booked a room and tried sleeping with a heavy hearth.. The Next day i called her out on this, told her i tought it was bad off her leaving me alone there and just abandoning our plans. I Said i came too see you, sinced u asked med too. Then she apologozied and said she was unsure off her feelings and didnt know what she wanted. I then told her to take all the time she needed.

I met her mom two weeks ago, told me that the whole family misses me. I then told her a little bit about me and my EX. And she didnt know anything about us sleeping together or her saying she wanted to try again.. And then told me she tought she was seeing some guy.. Her friends confirmed this. Appearantly its some guy 8 years older than her. And shes 18!

Up until yesterday we had minimal contact, maybe 1 Snapchat from her everyday or so. I didnt want to push anything. Yesterday just out off the blue she messaged me and asked me where i was and if it would be okay if she came to me and slept over. I was in shock, but off course vert very glad. She didnt come, didnt find anybode to drive her and there was no more busses going to my place that evening. So today i sent her a text, asked if she wanted to meet up Next weekend. She said sorry, but i have plans with a guy. And im like well okay, i Hope youll tell me if somethings going om between you two. Which for me seems perfectly reasonable beacuse yesterday she wanted to come sleep and stay with me. It was hell, she got so mad and Said i have to move on now and that she doenst want any contact with me if i say stuff like that. I was calm and polite, but didnt really help anything. Told me not to message her right now and i respected that. Where do I go from here? Do I tell her that its not okay too play with several mens feelings? And that its totally PLEASE READed up to want to come and stay with me one day then the next just nothing? I want this girl back more than anything and work on our RS. If i plan on ever getting truly over her i have to cut ties and block her. Doenst help for my heeling if every month or so she suddenly wants to meet.. but i dont want to do that really, i love her way too much. Any tips or help is much appreciated.

PS. Sorry for bad english.

[flangleboi]

Hey again! Ive been posting her a few times since me and my Ex diagnosed BPD partner split up back in June. In my last thread i wrote about an encounter with her which ended with us sleeping in the same bed and her telling me she wants to try again.. The weeks after that we were in contact. We were spraking daily and IT felt like we were finally starting to get back together. Then the contact just died slowly but surely and she didnt really seem intersted in chatting. We had LC for a couple weeks then she suddenly asks me if i want to join a party shes going to. Where she lives! 3 hours from where i live... I was si glad, took the Next bus and was picked up by her at the bus station. Went to her place and chatted for a couple hours and had some beers before we went to the party. We were supposed too go together and i would spend the night at her familys house, bit 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave she says shes going to an aftrrparty with a couple friends. I then went to the nearest hotel, booked a room and tried sleeping with a heavy hearth.. The Next day i called her out on this, told her i tought it was bad off her leaving me alone there and just abandoning our plans. I Said i came too see you, sinced u asked med too. Then she apologozied and said she was unsure off her feelings and didnt know what she wanted. I then told her to take all the time she needed.

I met her mom two weeks ago, told me that the whole family misses me. I then told her a little bit about me and my EX. And she didnt know anything about us sleeping together or her saying she wanted to try again.. And then told me she tought she was seeing some guy.. Her friends confirmed this. Appearantly its some guy 8 years older than her. And shes 18!

Up until yesterday we had minimal contact, maybe 1 Snapchat from her everyday or so. I didnt want to push anything. Yesterday just out off the blue she messaged me and asked me where i was and if it would be okay if she came to me and slept over. I was in shock, but off course vert very glad. She didnt come, didnt find anybode to drive her and there was no more busses going to my place that evening. So today i sent her a text, asked if she wanted to meet up Next weekend. She said sorry, but i have plans with a guy. And im like well okay, i Hope youll tell me if somethings going om between you two. Which for me seems perfectly reasonable beacuse yesterday she wanted to come sleep and stay with me. It was hell, she got so mad and Said i have to move on now and that she doenst want any contact with me if i say stuff like that. I was calm and polite, but didnt really help anything. Told me not to message her right now and i respected that. Where do I go from here? Do I tell her that its not okay too play with several mens feelings? And that its totally PLEASE READed up to want to come and stay with me one day then the next just nothing? I want this girl back more than anything and work on our RS. If i plan on ever getting truly over her i have to cut ties and block her. Doenst help for my heeling if every month or so she suddenly wants to meet.. but i dont want to do that really, i love her way too much. Any tips or help is much appreciated.

PS. Sorry for bad english.

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[expatblue]

 You said you "love her way too much".  how do you define "love" ?  Does the triangulation and poor treatment inspire your feelings or are you just lonely?  What sort of future do you hope for... s it possible with her ?

[RomanticFool]

Flangleboi,

Sorry you’re struggling with this situation. You may not want to hear this but I strongly advise you to walk away from the r/s. She is treating you with no respect at all and running roughshod over your feelings. You are worth more than that. Don’t contact her and don’t be available the next time she contacts you. This woman is playing with your emotions and you need to protect yourself. I have been in a very dark place due to my r/s ending and my ex behaving very similar to yours in terms of push/pull. The sooner you walk away the sooner you can heal. Then you start to rebuild your life by focusing on the things that you enjoy doing and not be so codependent on this damaged and damaging woman. Put yourself first and walk away from her. There are plenty of other non damaged women out there. You deserve one of them.

[flangleboi]

Thanks for both the replys! No i dont feel lonely, not too sound cocky or anything. But there are several girls that are into me, i just dont feel the same. My last RS was during highschool, lasted for 2 years. Off course i was sad when she broke things off, but not nearly as sad as ive been this last few months. I cant get over this girl. And no the triangulation does not temp me..

I know i probably should run for the hills.. She deleted me on snapchat yesterday, for no reason whatsoever. After some false accusations which i just camly replied, thats not true. She didnt delete me anywhere else, so i deleted her from facebook. First time i actually deleted her... Ive read that this might trigger them.. :/ Thanks again!

[once removed]

Do I tell her that its not okay too play with several mens feelings? And that its totally PLEASE READed up to want to come and stay with me one day then the next just nothing?

i wouldnt.

why? because the two of you arent together, and this would be fighting as if you are.

getting back together works best when there is incentive. that usually means fun, and drama free.

if you want her back, play it cool. dont push. dont "call her out". recognize that the two of you are not in a committed relationship and what that entails. recognize that (as she said) she isnt sure about her feelings. when men push in that situation, women feel cornered and smothered. work on becoming the best, most attractive version of yourself, the confident and upbeat guy she fell for in the first place.

if you feel youre being treated badly, and dont want to take it, you dont have to. but you dont have to announce or fight about it. just slowly pull back.

First time i actually deleted her... Ive read that this might trigger them

did you delete her in order to get her attention or get her back?

[flangleboi]

Thanks for the reply Once Removed. I feel like i havent pushed at all to be honest. But i might be wrong, she probably sees it different. She deleted me of Snapchat in rage, which led me to deleting her om Facebook the Next day. Partly because its hard not to look at her profile and hard not too hear from here. And partly because YES, i want her back... And to take som power away from her and back to myself if u understand what i mean

[Harri]

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Thank you.

[once removed]

And to take som power away from her and back to myself if u understand what i mean

power struggles are not a rehabilitative approach to a relationship.

deleting her on facebook isnt taking power. its reacting, and its counter to your goal of getting her back. a confident move might be to see that she deleted you in a rage, and not react, knowing it will blow over. play it cool. if you need to avoid her social media, you can unfollow.

anything new transpired in recent days?

[flangleboi]

Yeah youre right.. Im weak man. I react after my feelings. She rained hell down on me the day i deleted her, and the day after. Which made me block her, some of the things she said was really hurtful. Weve been together almost every single day this last year, and it doesnt even feel like she knows me. I guess i guess thats objectiv consistency? Anyways, a couple days after i blocked her i felt so PLEASE READ, felt like i betrayed her and i felt mean. Even though i KNEW i shouldnt feel bad about it cuz she has done this too me several times and she kinda deserved it.. Her older sister even told me to keep her blocked and that her behaviour wasnt acceptable. But i couldnt. Alot hasnt really happened since, weve been in contact once. I tried being the good guy, told her i understand that shes mad. And that i respect that she doesnt want any contact, but if she ever decides she wants. Ill always be her for her. Then couple days later she told me she wanted to come to my birthday party. 28 September, but didnt want any contact. Wanted to be ABLE to sociazlie together, i agreed. .. Alot of her friends n family are coming.. Also mutual friends.. I know for a fact after all this that its hard for me to JUST be her friend. So i guess my tactic from her is too just do nothing? Focus on me, and lay back and see if she wants any more contact in the future? I have a feeling if everything goes well at my birthday party and she sees me having a good time even tho im not with her she will be intersted again. Happened last time...

Thanks again

[once removed]

she wants to come to your birthday party and not speak to you?

[flangleboi]

Sorry, my english isnt the best. She doenst want to have any contact is what she said. I guess that means no texting, Snapchatting and so on. But she wants us to be able to socialize together. Going to the same parties etc.. and yes, she wants to come to my bday party..

[once removed]

okay...that seems workable. she wants to be on good terms and get along and be able to be around each other, but nothing more. that can be something to build on. the more exposure you have, that does not involve conflict, the more the ice can thaw over time.

So i guess my tactic from her is too just do nothing? Focus on me, and lay back and see if she wants any more contact in the future?

i think this is a good strategy.

[flangleboi]

So my birthdayparty is getting close. And my Ex is coming.. She has messaged me a couple times these last days, but just questions about the birthday and casual conversation. Nothing huge. This is progress, right? Not very long ago she didnt want anything to do with me so.. Ive heard from mutual friends that she slept over to some guy last weekend.. Dont know why they told me, would rather not know tbh.. I feel like if i can have a good time at my party this saturday it will bring back some good toughts about me for her. This is harder to do now after i heard she slept with somebody else..Any tips on how to act around her when i meet her this weekend? I know for a fact i Will be going slow on the alchohol. From my experience my emotions gets stronger and harder to controll the more i drink.

Thanks

[once removed]

This is progress, right? Not very long ago she didnt want anything to do with me so..

its generally positive, an improvement. shes keeping it to business, meet her back and keep it to business; be warm, not cold.

Ive heard from mutual friends that she slept over to some guy last weekend.. Dont know why they told me, would rather not know tbh

friends mean well, but can get overly involved in the drama. tell them straight up youd rather not know.

Any tips on how to act around her when i meet her this weekend?

shes just another guest who you want to have a good time, but you dont want to overcompensate for her having a good time or not. be the happy go lucky, upbeat, confident guy you were before you met her; its your party, a celebration of your birthday. dont treat her as less or above any other guest.

[flangleboi]

I got a text message from her 5 minutes ago. Cancelled last minute, turns out shes not coming afterall. She didnt say why, but wished me a happy celebration. I just answered thanks is this common? To cancel last minute? Feeling pretty PLEASE READ about this tbh, how can i ever get her back if we never meet. And what am i going to do now? Any toughts?

[Enabler]

Hi,

Can I ask whether or not she would know any other people at the party or whether it would just be you. Are you the only reason she would be there. My pwBPD always tends to keep her options open, very non-commital and hates FOMO... I guess like many emotions these are felt more strongly for a pw an emotional control disorder. Can I clarify that she lives 3hrs drive away and your party was local to you?

Reading your thread it strikes me that your ex is having her cake and eating it. She doesn’t want to sever ties with you and move on to her new prospects until she’s absolutely curtain. At Sunday school as a kid we used to play this game called islands. We’d all walk around the church hall and when the music stopped we had to stand on a sheet of newspaper. Gradually over time they would take away the scraps of newspaper and if you didn’t find a piece of paper to huddle onto, you were out. Now the key was to subtly drag around a piece of paper under your foot guaranteeing yourself an ‘island’ whenever the music stopped. If you found a better scrap on the way you’d hop off leaving the old island. Do excuse the metaphor of you being a scrap of paper but it does seem you’re being dragged around under until something more preferable is found. She might test out the other island to see how they feel knowing she has one foot safe with you should she need it.

I’m not suggesting you run, but I am suggesting whether you want to be dragged around like a scrap of paper. Do you want to be emotionally linked to someone who runs so hot and cold all the time? She could have good reasons for cancelling at the last minute, although why wouldn’t she mention that reason in her message?

As much as she might be behaving in an uncaring way, I suspect she doesn’t see it this way, I suspect she feels like she has communicated to you that you’re not together and therefore her obligation to you is nothing. You keep allowing her to do this and thus her conscience is somewhat clean about her push pull behaviour.

Determine what is and isn’t okay behaviour for you and make sure you stick to it.

Hope you have an awesome birthday tomorrow. Surround yourself with awesome people who are there for you.

Enabler   

[flangleboi]

Thanks for the reply Enabler. You have a point, i dont wanna be a second Choice for one. And i dont like the way shes treating me. Alot of her family members and friends are going, so shed have many reasons to go. Last time we bruke up she got together with some dude right after. Only to come back to me 2 months later... Didnt feel right, but i still loved her. And i still do.

[Enabler]

Knowing what you know, do you think she wanted to come to celebrate your birthday or because she didn’t want to miss out on a party where many of her family and friends were attending? You’re not a mind reader, but in the balance of probability.

Surround yourself with wonderful genuine people.

Enabler

[flangleboi]

Thanks again for the reply. I think both to be honest. I know she always has a good time around me, and lots off fun. And im sure she would like to see me. She might be nervous tho... Well i find this quite weird, cuz she told her family that's going that shes sick. She told her friends that arr going that shes going to another party.. and she told me a guy is coming to visit her... I dont know what to think..

[Enabler]

Hope your party is legendary.

The range of stories tells you a lot. She has different masks for different people. Is this someone you can trust? Is this someone you can trust your heart with?

Have a great night stud

Enabler (bromance over the pond)

[once removed]

keep cool, flangleboi.

there could be any number of reasons she didnt attend. it could be that shes nervous.

I met her mom two weeks ago, told me that the whole family misses me. I then told her a little bit about me and my EX. And she didnt know anything about us sleeping together or her saying she wanted to try again.

it also could be complicated. if youre in contact with her family and friends, what you are saying is likely getting back to her.

if theres another guy in the picture, that could also be complicating things.

keep cool. dial it back in terms of who youre speaking to in case it could get back to her. youre on good terms. let the ice thaw.

[flangleboi]

Thanks for helping me stay calm trough all this. And thanks, the party was great. I had a blast, my ex messaged me today aswell.. I found that weird because i tought she was with her "new guy". She asked me if i had a Nice birthday, i answered yes, you shoulda been here. Then she replied: Lets hang out some weekend soon. I then said i tought most my friends wouldnt be here then, (bcuz all my friends, gang whatever you wanna call it lives in different places now). She said that doesnt matter, we can do something fun? What does this mean? I tought she clearly implified that shes not intersted in me, Even tough last we spoke of "us" Even tough ut ended in rage. She said she was unsure and didnt know what she felt..

[flangleboi]

There is something else i would like feedback and toughts on aswell. Its kinda weird and stupid. Anyways, i have this friend. Lets just call him Marc. Marc and my friends/group has this internal "joke" were if someones hooking up at a party, he takes a picture of two people kissing, but you cant see their faces. So nobody really knows whos kissing, cept if you know them well enough too see who it is from behind or with hands infront off the face or whatvr. You get the idea. Then he posts it om Snapchat stories, and types something funny. Its allt meant for joke. I ended up hooking up with one off my friends last night, and a picture off me was posted there. Twice in fact.And even tough its hard too see its me, im pretty sure she cant tell that its me on that picture. And i agreed to this, drunk and stupid. Didnt really think over that my friend "Marc" still had my ex on Snapchat. And shes seen it. I talked to my ex's sister about this, cause i felt bad about it. The second picture was me and my ex's cousin, didnt mean anyhting. Just a friendly kiss and for fun, in this picture its much harder to tell its me tough. Do you think seeing me with some other girl is triggering her? I know i would feel PLEASE READ if i saw her kiss a guy. So this i feel bad about. Much regrets.

[flangleboi]

Any toughts?

[once removed]

Do you think seeing me with some other girl is triggering her?

its really hard to say. if she saw it, it wouldnt feel great.

its hard to say if that is driving her to reach out to you.

has anything happened since the two of you spoke about possibly hanging out?

[flangleboi]

Thanks Once Removed. No, not really. All  i got is a "happy birthday text" today. I just answered thanks alot! And that's it. Next step?

[once removed]

i would let it simmer for now.

it could be that the suggestion to get together was meant more casually, sort of like "we should get together some time".

it could be that it was a reaction to the snapchat, and that shes calmed down about it.

its very hard to say. but the two of you are on good terms. win/win. the longer youre on good terms without conflict, the more the ice can thaw.

[flangleboi]

Ye, it feels good knowing she wanted to be there. Honestly i find it hard to trust her after everything. Well well, what do you mean with let IT shimmer Once Removed?  Lay low? See if she iniates? I only have her on facebook.

[once removed]

Well well, what do you mean with let IT shimmer Once Removed?  Lay low?

yes. lay low, give things some time.

[flangleboi]

Hello, uve been giving me some solid advice on (i think) all off my posts so i hope you find it okay that i send you a personal message like this. Not much has happened since my last post. I spoke to my ex today, first time since she messaged me happy birthday oct 1. I am invited to a public party at a hotel where she lives this weekend. And i asked her what she tought about me coming, and if that would be okay with her. (I Hope i made the right choice asking her this). And she said yes off course you can come. We are going to a preparty together with mutual friends and some off her family. Do you have any tips whatsoever how i should be around her? I love this girl, and would do anything for another shot at our relationship. I think she only wants me as a friend right noe, but during our last break up she said we could never ever be anything more than friends. Went to a restaurant with her and her sister and had a good time and she INSTANTLY regretted and wanted to try again. I honestly feel like that can happen again, but i have a hard time being "myself" around her and controlling my emotions. Thanks again. Youve helped med alot allready