Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 21, 2019, 04:10:59 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed, Scarlet Phoenix
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, GaGrl, Longterm, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Triggered by another crisis, I failed in validating, need a Do Over  (Read 276 times)
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« on: September 09, 2019, 12:30:35 PM »

Would love some role play advice.
DD19 uBPD has been a tiny bit better bc she now has 2 part time jobs and is taking some community college classes so less time to be running around our huge metropolitan city getting in trouble.

Last night she got in from work and was doing HW and said I’m”I’m having so much trouble in my social life, you would freak out and call 911 if you knew what was going on”.
It was late and I was tired and said “you are an adult, I trust you to make good decisions and figure out what to do/not do”

This morning she appeared to have been crying all night and said she needed to talk with someone immediately -a therapist or the police. Well, she hasn’t seen her T in 3 mos and she’d have to make an appt. Some background:
 1. she falls into the BPD camp of being a huge retaliator when she feels victimized.
2. She usually feels victimized in general
3. She has actually been a sexually assault victim, robbery victim, assault victim. These things happen when you run around with impulsivity and no Wisemind with rotten folks and you are a young beautiful girl.

She went on to share that something criminal happened with an older man to her and she needed to go make a police report so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.
Immediately, I was triggered and started in on my “teaching and parenting” like I would tell a child that fire always burns and never to stick their hand in the fire again.

I said “well I’m not sure the details and don’t want to know, but you are an adult now and an 18 yr old girl can consent to being with a 70 yr old man. There is no law broken over an age gap. Now, if this person is committing criminal behavior,  maybe you are not the one who needs to report him” (I fear for her safety when she runs and reports people to police -she’s done this before. She’s turned in friends who she knows shoplift, etc.)
“They have to build a case with evidence just like they would against you, when you’ve bought illegal drugs or broken any other laws. Why don’t you text your old T and try to get appt”

By this point I’m very triggered as I’m imaging some highly likely disturbing criminal behavior going on that she may or may not have been party to.

Well she blew up at me “this is why I can’t tell you anything. You are a b***** and don’t understand anything. You are no help and should be calling the cops right now about this. Get out of my **** room. I hate you”

I went to workout and got a text that she skipped college class and was headed to police station to get him arrested.

I’ve actually calmed back down and am sitting here wondering how I could have responded differently? I did not/do not want to hear the sordid details. I’m not a T and am not interested in the horrific messes she gets herself into. Yes, I feel bad for her. It’s terrible being impulsive and jumping into risky behavior, but it’s her’s not mine.

Should I have given her a crisis number to call? If so, do you know any good ones for calming down a BPD?

I’m not extremely  disappointed in myself bc this is the kinda crap no one reacts well to.

Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 1228



« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 12:51:21 PM »

I am sorry this interaction did not go well for you or your daughter. I don't know where you live but in many states a 70 year old having sex with an 18 year old is statutory rape. But be that as it may it seems your main concern is that you were invalidating right? Do you mean that by not wanting to hear the details - totally understandable by the way - you think you somehow failed her?
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2019, 02:58:05 PM »

Faith,
She’s actually 19 and I have no idea the age of the “older man”, nor do I know what actually happened. My point to her was if you play with fire, you will be burned. She’s been burned many times, but it always comes out that there is so much more to the story. Most of the time she had a portion of culpability.

If we hadn’t been down this road at least 5 times already, I may have asked for all the details, tried to decide the best way to proceed and gone from there, but it’s just TOO much for me. My DS24 BP1 uBPD is actually having S.I. today here at home. So many many plates are spinning.

Just wondered if any wiseminded parents had thoughts on a more validating response. This is a fairly common scenario for DD so I fully assume it will happen again and maybe I can be better prepared in how I respond. For example, she’s been with drug users /sellers hanging out (using drugs herself) then the friendship ends and she turns on them and reports them to police as drug users. The theme here is retaliation when done wrong. Common among PwBPD.



Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 1228



« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2019, 11:26:22 PM »

Given the circumstances I can see why you  did not want to hear all the gory and likely fabricated details of your daughter's latest escapade. That said maybe using SET might be a better  way to respond. Something like this (rough draft)
S - I can see you are really upset and I  want to be supportive of you
E - It must be very frustrating and upsetting to be involved in a situation like yours.
T- It might be a good idea to make an appointment with your therapist to figure out how to avoid situations like this in the future.

Do you think that would work?
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
JustYouWait
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Gay, lesbian
Posts: 110


« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2019, 05:54:56 AM »

If I'm being honest - I don't see where you did anything wrong.  The details of the situation were ones that you chose to not hear (perfectly understandable, especially since she's been down this road with you many times).

The problem, as I see it, is that you didn't give your DD what she wanted, which appears to be the reaction of "Momma Bear" ("oh, baby...I'm so sorry.  Let me protect you and I'll go get the very bad man for you, this isn't your fault...blah, blah, blah...BS...BS...BS").  You set a boundary, and held to it.

Once your reaction didn't fit what she wanted, she blew up at you.  It was probably multiplied by the truth you laid on her, that she holds some responsibility in the situation.

It was a double smack to her and she reacted as many BPD'ers do - she blew up at the person from whom she didn't get the reaction she wanted.

I might be off base here, and this is hard to say, but...are we sure that the story she has in her mind as to what happened is 100% the truth?

I had a similar situation with my DD...this sucks for you, and I'm sorry you're being forced to deal with this.


you're not alone,


-jyw
Logged
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2019, 06:37:10 AM »

Faith-yes SET will work here. I’ll incorporate that.

JYW, she said she did go to police station and then went to her class late. I think she must feel empowered when she does this.  No telling how the story rolled out as her feelings= her facts. She was totally looking for Mamma Bear and I let her down. I see now that my protective boundary was not listening to details and not going with her to file a complaint. Next time, I will try really hard to leave out the teaching and cautionary tale parts.

Logged
JustYouWait
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Gay, lesbian
Posts: 110


« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2019, 12:08:59 PM »

 "I let her down."

I can't emphasize this enough - NO YOU DIDN'T.

You didn't let her down, you simply reacted in a different way than she expected and wanted.  This isn't a let her down thing - because that's a negative connotation that you are putting on yourself - you reacted rationally and calmly.  That's not a let down, and your reaction was healthier for you.

Without trying to sound condescending, I'm really proud of you.


This disease, and dealing with it from a parental perspective is not for the weak.  It is not easy.

and you're not alone.

-jyw
Logged
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2019, 01:21:37 PM »

JYW-
I get it now!! My responsible healthy boundary setting for myself was met by disappointment and a feeling of abandonment by her. And until she figures out that I’m going to continue with healthy boundaries, thereby Starving the BPD Monster, she will feel react this way. The old extinction burst.

In a typical parent/child relationship, I could have responded like a normal mom “oh how terrible! What exactly happened? O m g we are going to the police this instant....”
Sad, that BPD forces me to not be able to react like a typical, caring mom would/should/could, but we are playing a totally bizarre mother/daughter game with a very bizarre rule book. I hate this game.

I’m going out of town with my best friends for a reunion this weekend and just praying all hell doesn’t break loose on my sweet husband.

Logged
JustYouWait
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Gay, lesbian
Posts: 110


« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2019, 01:44:59 PM »

"BPD forces me to not be able to react like a typical, caring mom would/should/could"


Nothing about our kids is typical.  The traditional "rules" don't apply.  Our kids aren't typical, neither are we at this point, and once we accept that "typical" or "traditional" responses do not work, we begin to find our way around the problems.


-jyw
Logged
mom7834

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 24


« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2019, 04:30:37 PM »

these posts really help me so much. My daughter is in her 2nd rehab in 3 months. Last night I got a call that she was involved in a verbal and physical fight with another patient. When they called her in to talk about it, she exploded and ran away. She ran out of the facility into the woods. My older daughter is home and I had the call on speaker phone. They said they would call me if she returned. I rolled over and went back to sleep - well, started praying Hail Marys non-stop, I should say. (Yesterday I had an outbreak of very itchy hives all over my face and I took a lot of antihistamines before bed, so I was really sleepy and groggy.) This was not an unfamiliar scenario. I can think of at least 3 times that she ran away into the woods. Each time someone went after her. Once it was the police. I just thought, here we go again. I hope she's okay, but there is nothing I can do. I hope she goes back. Hail Mary...
The next morning I woke up and there was a note from my older daughter - K is okay and she loves you. I found out that my older D called the facility and the police and talked to so many people about going to look for her. She said she cried for about three hous because no one was helping. (Meanwhile, I'm snoring in my bed.) K did go back of her own volition. She called me today and left a voice mail that she was well and they weren't going to kick her out. She sounded fine. I told my other daughter - this is why I don't freak out anymore. She makes her own choices. She has run into the woods before. All we can do is pray that she is safe. My older daughter thinks I have detached too much...like I don't even care.  But of course, like all of you, I do care. Letting things unfold can be terrifying, but sometimes that's what you have to do.
Logged
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2019, 10:48:13 PM »

Wow Mom7834. That’s huge and a lesson to us all in accepting a very difficult situation and going on about your self care (sleeping!). I do feel for your other daughter who was home and stressing out. The book “When your daughter has BPD” gives some very description information about how siblings suffer.

Thank you for this example. It reminds me of the Serenity prayer from AA.  Seems like God gave you the serenity to accept what you could not change (DD’s altercation in rehab then leaving the premises). Even in our crazy lives things seem to settle down.

I haven’t heard a word about my DD’s incident since she went to police so we are back to our status quo here for today.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2019, 09:53:30 AM »

Now, more to the story. DD said a guy she used to date’s dad made some type of pass at her. She probably was in contact with this man and thought he’s be a sympathetic ear about how his son had done her wrong, then maybe he made a pass.

She is furious that I’m not furious. I will try Fait’s SET response later today. Unfortunately the T she had basically fired her (the BPD behavior was more than this self proclaimed “BPD trained” T was up for. There is a true BPD program about 1 hour from our house thru the huge city we live in. Is this really the only option for change? The 2x a week sessions?
My gut tells me Yes.
She must learn the self regulating, coping skills.
Maturity can only help a little bit when your life is a “unrelenting crisis” as Shari Manning calls it.

Of course, I’m leaning for a girls trip in the morning, my H knows nothing about this and will be in charge here st home. Good times in Texas....
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 1228



« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2019, 11:16:23 AM »

I will be interested to know how the SET communication goes. Your gut is probably right about the therapy your daughter needs. Enjoy your girl's trip. You deserve a break.
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
PeaceMom
****
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 353


« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2019, 12:16:38 PM »

Just starting the book “Overcoming BPD” by Valerie Porr. The first 2 paragraphs of Ch 1 describe everything most of us here live with. It’s just uncanny that once these people go off the rails, the resulting behavior follows such a distinct and predictable pattern. This continues to baffle me that this dysfunctional human behavior of impulsivity is all so cookie cutter in this population.

The complexity it how to deal with it as the primary caretaker/supported. Most of the time I’m simply baffled.

I’ll report back on S.E.T. But honestly I’m afraid if I acknowledge her feeling it will fuel her fire as she’s looking for justification for her to take further legal action or go tell on this man to his family. Good grief! I reached out to the DBT therapy group and they said the therapy DD had before was called “DBT informed therapy”, but that’s not the Linehan protocol bc she didn’t have phone support and didn’t do it for a year.

Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 10967



« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2019, 04:25:11 PM »

Sometimes seT is more effective than SEt at starving the monster (as Lobel describes it). Otherwise you reward the short-term fix she is using instead of long-term solutions.

Vengeance the way she uses it sounds like self-harm in the sense she is finding short-term relief to unbearable pain instead of working out a long term sustainable way of managing her pain.

The seT approach has the potential to come across like parenting or teaching, most likely. Especially because you are her parent. All of us could probably do better when presented with the things our BPD loved ones do, and I agree that your response sounds amazing given how quickly things move when we're confronted with strong, intense emotion and impulsive plans of action.

Your daughter may be recreating situations that replay the assault trauma, trying to resolve it (unconsciously) in scenarios where she feels there is at least some semblance of control (repetition compulsion), and you are part of that fantasy until you tap out. Then she's mad at you because in the fantasy, you help her.

That's a lot for a parent to track in the heat of the moment.

I think you held your ground really well considering how hard it is to do that when emotions are so intense.
Logged

It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
Bluemoon23
**
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Sexual orientation: Gay, lesbian
Posts: 80



« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2019, 10:28:36 AM »

This is so familiar to me and I can so relate. I realize now I'm not great at validating in the way my kid needs. I'm used to validating in the regular way with regular folks. It's so foreign. And I really struggle. Like you.

I'm going to work on SET and improve and see how it goes.

I so get your situation and feel for you. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

My kid has also experienced many assaults and altercations that cause trauma over and over and then that leads to doing nothing about it. It's hard to watch and hear and like you I can't deal with the endless drama and chaos their choices create in their lives.

Take good care and hope you hear and feel that you didn't fail you changed the dynamic - for the better for you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2019?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
AskingWhy
Bittlecat
Harri
Only Human
PeacefulMom
Radcliff
Skip
Teno
Ventak
wendydarling
Wicker Man
worn_out





Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!