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Author Topic: Nightmares and PTSD because I have to break NC  (Read 186 times)
pausercell

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« on: September 11, 2019, 12:02:37 PM »

For about the last four months I was able to go total NC with my ex w BPD.  But because of custody, visitation schedules and support payments I’ve had to break NC.  I really don’t want to and if we didn’t have children together I would choose never to contact her again.  I’m trying to keep the messages we exchange civil and business like and so far for the most part she has done the same.  But my concern is that she might see this as another one of her twisted games of “show who cares the least.”  For me this isn’t a game.  I am experiencing some signs of PTSD, with my stomach in knots and my anxiety level always spikes whenever I have to send a message or receive one.  Last night I had my first real nightmare about her in weeks.  My fear is that with the more contact I am forced to have the more she and her family of flying monkeys might try to charm.  If they don’t that would be great but the fact that I have to open the door to them, even if it’s a little bit, might be taken advantage by them to make my life harder, which they seem dead set on doing as the few run ins with them I’ve had in the recent past were marked with hostility and provocations.  I’m trying to keep my wits about me but the nightmare that I had last night really set me back.  Does anyone have any idea how I can cope proactively to this rather than deal reactively?  And has anyone been experiencing the same sense of anxiety, nightmares and PTSD that I am experiencing?

Thanks.
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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2019, 12:29:12 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) pausercell

Excerpt
has anyone been experiencing the same sense of anxiety, nightmares and PTSD that I am experiencing? 

Yes, I have been told this kind of reaction in situations where somebody is trauma bonded to another, is fairly normal. I suffer similar reactions to yourself, and text, email or sometimes mention of her name causes me sweats, a tight chest and severe anxiety.

Excerpt
  I’m trying to keep the messages we exchange civil and business like and so far for the most part she has done the same.

Sometimes this is the best you can hope for if there is no way to go complete NC. There probably will be little things said and done along the way but I would urge you to try and let everything bounce off you as anything you say or do WILL be used against you. I would think about the effect anything will have on the kids and put their emotional health above anything else as these situations can have a profound effect on them.

It's a very difficult place to be but we understand and we know how painful this can be.

LT.
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pausercell

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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2019, 01:02:34 PM »

Thanks LT.  Just getting it out there and getting a response helps me feel better. 
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2019, 01:10:12 PM »

Excerpt
  Thanks LT.  Just getting it out there and getting a response helps me feel better. 

It's good to get it out there, you are not alone. I visibly shake upon contact and sweat around 3-4 nights. What you are experiencing is what many of us have, you are amongst friends and we get it.

Is there no way you can go strict NC? Can you arrange 3rd party pick up/drop off of the kids for example, or use somebody as a communication portal? Relative/friend? I'm asking because I thought there was no way, yet I found a way.

LT.
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« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2019, 02:36:29 PM »

it may not seem this way right now, but the best sign of detachment isnt no contact; its that we can face contact if we must, and come through it. i understand things are raw right now, im talking about what is ultimately ideal, something to shoot for.

Excerpt
Does anyone have any idea how I can cope proactively to this rather than deal reactively?

yes. it will take work and support but it can be done and we will be happy to help.

Excerpt
My fear is that with the more contact I am forced to have the more she and her family of flying monkeys might try to charm

tell us more about this. specifically, what do you fear her and her family doing?
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pausercell

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« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 09:40:52 AM »

Hey LT.  First of all thanks for the quick response.  Unfortunately, no.  The court and my monitor have no way of controlling who handles the exchange.  I asked and my lawyer even requested that the exchange was done at a police station.  But my monitor has been accommodating and is acting as the intermediary.  He facilitates the exchange by keeping my ex and her family away from me. 
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« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 04:17:14 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
   But my monitor has been accommodating and is acting as the intermediary.  He facilitates the exchange by keeping my ex and her family away from me. 

This is good, at least you do not have to have face to face interactions with your anxiety as high as it is.

What are you doing about the anxity/nightmares etc? I suggest you go see your Dr, maybe he could prescribe you some anxiety meds. Are you having therapy? These reactions are quite severe and shouldn't be left unattended.

LT.
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pausercell

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« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 10:14:42 PM »

Thanks again LT.  I’m seeing a therapist regularly, I attend a men’s group weekly,  and am on Zoloft.  I think my reactions are simply because this experience is all new and I’ve been able to keep my distance until now.  As I move forward I’m feeling more comfortable with establishing boundaries.  As time passes and more distance and barriers are set up the better I feel.  Thanks for looking out for me.
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« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 11:47:08 PM »

Excerpt
  I’m seeing a therapist regularly, I attend a men’s group weekly,  and am on Zoloft

It sounds like you have been looking after yourself, well done  Smiling (click to insert in post) besides this have you ever tried meditation? I'm fairly new to it but I find it very calming, it helps with my anxiety.

Excerpt
   I think my reactions are simply because this experience is all new and I’ve been able to keep my distance until now.

Yes, I'm sure as time goes by you will get into a routine and feel a little less anxious. What's important is you seeing the kids and spending time with them. Try and let the rest bounce off you and with time things will hopefully become easier, especially with you establishing boundaries.

Excerpt
  Thanks for looking out for me.

We are all friends here  Smiling (click to insert in post)

LT.
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