Need advice

[Klaus]

I read the book stop walking on egg shells and am convinced my wife has bpd. We've been married 34 years and I've known something was wrong years ago. She is so depressed for the last 3 week's because no one wants to get close to her. Any thing I say and I'm pulled into a cycle of conflict. She refuses counseling. Our daughter gave me the book because she feels uncomfortable around her mother. How do I reach her with out an attack?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olaf]

This is tough. I don't have any advice. I'm in the same boat.  I guess just read what others have to say because it's all the same story, nearly.

[Longterm]

  Klaus and welcome.

We understand how difficult these relationships can be, but just know you are not alone.

It feels at times as though our spouses are talking a different language which can lead to much confusion and conflict. You can learn to cope with this much better, so I am linking some communication skills for you to read, there are many skills to be learned here.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

LT.

[Harri]

Hi Klaus.  I want to join the others in saying welcome to the boards. 

Can you give us an idea of what a typical conversation sounds like when you try to communicate with your wife?  A he said/she said sort of run down will help us get a better idea and we may be able to offer some more specific suggestions.  The article that Longterm linked here is excellent.  A lot of the ways we communicate with our pwBPD (person with BPD) can, without intending to, make things worse.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is to first learn to make sure we are not invalidating them.  People with BPD can be hypersensitive and sometimes we are invalidating without meaning to be.  None of this is intuitive so actively learning skills can go a long way in terms of improving things.

Read the article and see what you think.  Then we can talk about it. 

Again, I am glad you reached out for support and joined us.