Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 15, 2019, 02:13:24 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I've met someone new but there are problems, residual effects from my ex BPD.  (Read 190 times)
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« on: September 12, 2019, 05:15:52 PM »

Hello and first of all I apologise for not posting for a while,
I was recovering and reading the board was holding me back.
I'll get to the point, as I said I've met someone new, she chased me and I was not in the market for anyone I was happy with the life I had built.
Now don't get me wrong she doesn't interfere with that, she is a lovely woman.
My problem is I see red flags where there probably are none, also I am not truly open with her because at the back of my mind I am afraid it may be taken the wrong way.
I'm not on eggshells with her but there is some kind of barrier due to my ex, as in what I can and can't say. I realise this is all in my head, but the crazy stuff I went through has left mental scars.
What if I say the wrong thing? will it be taken out of context?
If I instigate sex will she knock me back like the ex?
These are some of the things I think about, this is having an effect on me being able to perform in bed and she is now on my case a bit for not touching her and thinks I don't want to.
She says she will not instigate it because it doesn't feel right and it should be me. (is that fair putting it on me?)
Well my ex never instigated it and turned me down with loads of BS whenever I did.
My BPD ex was different to most I've read about when it came to sex, she would make promises and use blackmail for me to do things around the house which I would do anyway, but then go back on them.
So anyway I'm in the middle of a heart to heart with her via text because she is at work and I'm struggling, the temptation to just end it is quite high because I don't need the hassle, however I know I would be making a mistake because as I said she is a lovely person.
Somewhere along the line I became strong and don't take any nonsense from anyone, I now have the ability to just say I'm not having this, whether it be with friends or whoever and walk.
As anyone else encountered this?
And by the way it's been well over three years since I saw the ex.
Logged
crushedagain
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 192


« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2019, 05:31:40 PM »

Excerpt
...I'm in the middle of a heart to heart with her via text because she is at work and I'm struggling...

I think this is a terrible mistake. Nothing important should ever be handled through text. Further, she is at work. Respect that and wait until an appropriate time for anything of such magnitude.
Logged
2020 Fund Drive - we make lives better
I love being part of BPDFamily. I work with the research collaborations with universities.
It's amazing what we can accomplish, collectively, when we each just pitch in a little; all of us quietly working together to make our lives and family healthier.
319
Longterm
Ambassador
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorce in progress
Posts: 503



« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2019, 05:36:02 PM »

Your hesitation tells me your maybe not ready yet. It sounds like your still at the stage where you are looking for something to be wrong and are fearful of commitment.

Maybe your not as far along as you thought you were? If so, that's ok, these things take time.

LT.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2019, 05:37:52 PM »

I think this is a terrible mistake. Nothing important should ever be handled through text. Further, she is at work. Respect that and wait until an appropriate time for anything of such magnitude.

I agree but she is the one doing it and it's stressing me out, I have to answer her or she thinks I'm ignoring her or not bothered.
Logged
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2019, 05:43:53 PM »

Your hesitation tells me your maybe not ready yet. It sounds like your still at the stage where you are looking for something to be wrong and are fearful of commitment.

Maybe your not as far along as you thought you were? If so, that's ok, these things take time.

LT.

No I'm not fearful of commitment but I suppose I'm fearful of ending up with another headcase!
Yes you are correct about finding something to be wrong.
It's a bit like getting bit by a dog, do you want to stroke the next one even though you shouldn't tar it with the same brush.
Probably not a good comparison but hopefully you know what I mean?
After all my ex was a lovely woman for 4 months until she revealed her crazy.
Logged
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 05:53:55 PM »

And to be honest the only thing that was wrong is that we are not having sex apart from a few weeks ago.
But now she is giving me grief about it and this is upsetting the apple cart.
We were getting on great, but somehow it's my fault which I suppose it is if I can't do it, but her saying she won't make a move it's down to me is putting pressure on me and giving me all the responsibility.
Bit like saying if I don't cook then we don't eat Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
Logged
crushedagain
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 192


« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 06:17:31 PM »

Excerpt
After all my ex was a lovely woman for 4 months until she revealed her crazy.

This is an interesting statement that indicates that BPD is something that the individual affected can control. Hmmmm....
Logged
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 06:23:39 PM »

This is an interesting statement that indicates that BPD is something that the individual affected can control. Hmmmm....

Oh yes,
I can't speak for all but my ex seemed to get me where she wanted me and then bang!
She out of the blue one night asked me to promise her that I would never leave or abandon her and of course I did.
Well it was only a matter of days before the craziness started.
Logged
crushedagain
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 192


« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 06:49:29 PM »

Oh yes,
I can't speak for all but my ex seemed to get me where she wanted me and then bang!
She out of the blue one night asked me to promise her that I would never leave or abandon her and of course I did.
Well it was only a matter of days before the craziness started.


I remember well when my ex told me she would never, ever leave me unless I hurt her. I never did hurt her, yet she was the one who started threatening to leave over the most trivial of things.
Logged
Longterm
Ambassador
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorce in progress
Posts: 503



« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 07:22:21 PM »

Excerpt
  Yes you are correct about finding something to be wrong.
It's a bit like getting bit by a dog, do you want to stroke the next one even though you shouldn't tar it with the same brush.
Probably not a good comparison but hopefully you know what I mean?

I know what you mean. Maybe try talking to her? It's up to YOU when you wish to participate in sex, maybe explaining to her that you dont feel ready yet could ease your anxiety about the whole situation? If she respects your decision, then all is good and you have more time to get to know each other without the sexual element. If she does not respect your decision? Well, you have yourself a red flag.

LT.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 755


« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2019, 07:24:14 PM »

Hi In a bad way-

I’m sorry that you’re having a difficult time with this new woman.  Recovery from BPD relationships throws us for a loop and can leave us questioning ourselves on pretty much ALL levels.

Regarding the intense conversation via text :  it doesn’t really matter that SHE wants to... if this makes YOU uncomfortable (with good reason), you are ALLOWED to kindly let her know that text conversations like this leave too much room for misunderstandings; and you’ll be happy to discuss whatever by phone or face to face when you can both properly focus.  This is a Boundary for you.  She can react or respond however she likes.  You’ve learned enough to know the downside of allowing someone to trample on this type of boundary.

Regarding the one-sided intimacy, if having a partner who plays an active role in sensuality is important to you, then by all means, tell her.  An interested partner will step outside her comfort zone and grow within the relationship... will try to do what pleases her man.  I hope you will feel more free to communicate what you want and need in a lover.

I want to agree that through the work I’ve done recently, my tolerance for hooey from people is now WAY WAY down.  My days of being a doormat are O.V.E.R.  And that feels pretty good and very liberating.  I believe that is known as “self-respect”.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 10080



« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2019, 10:31:18 PM »

Excerpt
I was recovering and reading the board was holding me back.

ive been here for about eight years now. ive learned life skills here that have led me to more rewarding relationships of all kinds. it stopped being about my ex many years ago, although i can to this day learn lessons from that relationship.

a support group is really what you make of it.

you can learn more about human nature here. the difference between red and yellow flags. learn more about yourself and others, and relationships. face the dating world with confidence rather than fear and second guessing.

Excerpt
If I instigate sex will she knock me back like the ex?
These are some of the things I think about, this is having an effect on me being able to perform in bed and she is now on my case a bit for not touching her and thinks I don't want to.
She says she will not instigate it because it doesn't feel right and it should be me. (is that fair putting it on me?)
Well my ex never instigated it and turned me down with loads of BS whenever I did.

sex will add complexity to every relationship. sometimes in the best of ways. sometimes in the worst. sometimes both.

it sounds like some of this is about performance issues. it happens. romantic partners do tend to take it personally, as rejection. possible solutions might include seeing your general practitioner, not necessarily creating a hard schedule but doing it at opportune times (mornings are often best for men), but also increasing trust and emotional connection.

Excerpt
So anyway I'm in the middle of a heart to heart with her via text

whats being said?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Witz_End
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2019, 03:37:50 AM »

Excerpt
She says she will not instigate it because it doesn't feel right and it should be me. (is that fair putting it on me?)

What led up to her saying she would not instigate it?  What does she mean about it not feeling right?

It is put on you if she's leaving it up to you, but whether she's doing so unfairly or not really depends on what's going on in that decision.

For example, if she's aware of your history and blocks that you may have with sex... or, even if she suspects them... it could actually be her way of not pressuring you.  Or, in another scenario, she may have felt rejected (even if you did not realize or mean to) somewhere along the lines and have her own sensitivities.

It sounds to me like this is a test of how this new relationship may work as far as communication.  There are needs to be understood here.  What is it she is needing with sex and/or your initiation?  What is it you are needing with regard to how you are feeling?

There are ways to address what you are feeling with care not to send a message she is doing anything similar to your ex OR that you are comparing her in any way to your ex.  Probably the clearest way to do that would be to go the "I" statement route and avoid even mentioning anything she is doing...

"I'm frustrated with things going on inside me.  I'm so attracted to you and you're amazing.  I want the sex with you and that intimacy with you is really important to me.  Inside, though, I run into this block from my past.  It has nothing to do with you, but I wanted to be open about it so you do not feel there is anything you've done.  The desire is there!"

Openness is a form of intimacy.  It does not need to be a long, drawn out "woe is me, the damaged victim" nor should it be.  Keeping it from being a long, drawn out tail of damage and destruction avoids presenting yourself as that damaged victim and the inference that you are asking for pity or to be fixed.  But, it gives her some understanding that she is not defective or rejected in your eyes, either.

You are not asking her to help or fix you.  Presenting it succinctly as something you are experiencing, but motivated by your attraction to her to overcome inside, steers clear of any inference that your baggage is hers to carry.  She may ask what she can do and the simple answer is "just understand"... perhaps with the added flirt of "...though if you ever find yourself wanting to grab me and drag me into the bedroom, you can certainly do that as well.  *wink*"

Does this sound about right to you?  Or to anyone else reading?  It's just my thought and how I'd probably approach it.
Logged
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2019, 08:08:49 PM »

Thanks all for your replies, I will answer each soon.
She has been giving me hell all day and I've had enough, been there done that, it's not happening again.
At least I've found out early she's a nut job.
Logged
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276


« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2019, 08:24:30 PM »

I was almost sucked in again by another lunatic, the difference is that this time I am aware.
At least my ex waited four months and not five weeks Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

2020 Fund Drive - BPDFamily is a valuable resource.
I applaud the work you all are doing here, together. It's why I have recommended BPDFamily in my book "Abnormal and Clinical Psychology: An Introductory Textbook". I've found this site to be purposed, centered and accepting. It is an invaluable resource.
You are making a difference.
310
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!