I need help with my girlfriend

[djg3665]

I have been with my girlfriend about a year, we are in a long distance relationship, she lives in Colombia and I live in the USA.  We first started dating 3 years ago, but after 5 months things didn't seem right.  I eventually discovered that she was in another relationship and ended things then even though she kept telling me that he was just a friend.  I contacted this guy and he didn't know about me either, he was meeting her for lunch and we both confronted her via phone when she admitted that she was in another relationship.  I immediately stopped contact and said have a good life, and we didn't talk after that. 

Fast forward 3 years and we started talking again, realized that we still had feelings for each other, and started a new relationship.  She said that several months ago she was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar following a hospitalization and suicide attempt, but was surprised when I said that I am willing to work with her as long as she is willing to work for herself.  At that time she said that her mom met a new boyfriend, decided to live with him, and abandoned her without a home, a way to buy food, clothes, or anything else.  I assume that there is more to the story, but she won't let me talk to her mother.  Things were great for about 4 months, the perfect girlfriend.  But in the last several months, things have been deteriorating to the point that we are always in conflict about her impulsiveness and lying.  She is unemployed and has been for a couple of years, I have been helping her with expenses like putting her in an airbnb for a few months because she was living in a drug home and saying people were stealing from her and was doing drugs with them; buying food because she has lost a lot of weight and her skin was sagging (she was about 120 and only weighed about 85 when I saw her), buying her medicine for bipolar to sleep (she is taking quetapine); and to get her hair and nails done which helps her have more self esteem.  Given that it is Colombia, it is about $200/month; nothing ridiculous.  But I told her that I will give her no more than 4 months to find a job and start paying her bills.  After a few months, there was a noticeable difference in her in a positive way.

In the last month, the following things happened:
-She has always wanted to be an actress (yes she is beautiful), so I told her if that is what you want to do, then she should do it.  One day, she sends me a message that she was excited and happy that she is going to be 'famous'; that a photographer approached her and started feeding into her fantasy telling her that he is shooting videos for musicians and that she is going to be famous.  She spent about 3 weeks with this guy, at his apartment until 6 in the morning telling me that they were on a photo shoot, editing, etc...  I told her something doesn't seem right, she accused me of being unsupportive and jealous which is not true.  I didn't pay much attention to things since she has done modeling in the past, I figured that it was someone who was just taking pictures of her to boost their portfolios and get more clients, no big deal.  Then I start seeing them together all of the time, going to the gym together, going to the movies.  Then he takes her on a 'location' to shoot more scenes for a music video; didn't tell me that she was staying the night in his hotel room.  The night before she sent me a message that she was returning to her apartment which was a lie.  I lost it at that point, told her that it was inappropriate and disrespectful.  She was adamant that she slept on a pull-out couch, that she would never cheat on me again, that it was strictly professional, etc...  (plausible deniability).  She said that she was returning to her apartment, but asks if I could send money to get her hair and nails done.  I told her no, that what she did was unacceptable, then she said that she knows a way to get the money eluding to prostitution which is legal in her country.  I told her that she is extorting me to force me to send money or she will cheat.  So I caved-in and sent her some only to find out that she didn't get hair and nails done, she went to dinner.  During the entire time she was doing this, I was telling her that I feel neglected, that our relationship is dying, that she has become a person that I don't know anymore.  She didn't listen and didn't care, just said stop saying those things.  I needed time to think, so after a couple of days I told her that we had to have a serious talk about our relationship and that it will be the best thing for both of us (with the intent of ending things).  A couple of days later she calls me crying that the photographer is holding her passport and said that she had to pay about $150 for his work or she needs to have sex with him as payment.  I asked her, "what passport?"  She went to get a passport with this guy and was going to fly to another country with him on the promise that he was going to make her famous.  I was furious and tried explaining that she would have been held hostage and couldn't leave because he would have her passport.  She agreed that it put herself at risk and blocked him.  A few days later she resumed contact with him, I told her it was him or me.  After an argument, she said that she chooses me, but later that night went to dinner with him.  After a few more days, things seem to be resolved and I don't think that they are seeing each other anymore.

-I have tried to get her into therapy multiple times and she said that she wants to go.  I researched and contacted several therapists in her country, gave them her phone number and said that I would pay for her sessions.  She contacted one of them and showed me the message; I sent money to pay for therapy since she doesn't have insurance and they don't have a way to pay online, but she doesn't go.  I have paid 3 times and she uses the money for other things even though she says that she is going to therapy and when confronted, tells me that things are expensive there and she needed to buy things to live.

-As soon as someone asks her to go out and do something, she immediately goes without regard to any consequences.  She will tell me that she is at her home watching television, the next day when I wake up I will see multiple posts of her at clubs until 6 in the morning after she told me that she was hungry and didn't have any money to buy food, so I send $20 to buy food.

-She lies about everything, and I mean everything, for no reason.  Yesterday I woke-up at 4 in the morning, noticed that she was online, so I called her and we video talked.  I asked her if she was at her home or at her girlfriends home.  She said that she was at her home, then I see that she is eating breakfast at her girlfriend's home.  She told me that she had scheduled a therapy appointment for the next day, I asked her to send me a screenshot of what the therapist said about the appointment.  The screenshot was from the week prior and when I pointed that out, she is still adamant that it was for the next day despite contradicting evidence.

-She has started telling me that she is going to kill herself which I have learned that she is using to manipulate me.  One time she was telling me that she was hungry, I told her that she should have used the money I sent to buy food then and that was her problem.  She then said that she was going to kill herself and it would be my fault.  I told her that I was going to call the police then, and she said that they won't do anything.  She then went to sleep and acted like nothing happened when she woke up.  She has started to do this more and more lately to me.

-She will do things randomly like delete her profile photo and turn off her phone so I will think that she blocked me.  Will disappear for a day or so without warning.  Values attention on social media from random men more than talking to me.  Will remove tags on photos, post a nice message publicly, but remove it in a day and not talk to me.  Generally I just feel manipulated all of the time.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  I am at a loss of what to do and feel emotionally drained right now.  She is a good person, just someone who has problems, so I don't want to give up just yet. I guess that I need help navigating the behaviors, lies, deceit, and how to establish appropriate boundaries and stick to them.  Does anyone have a similar experience that they can share?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi djg3665:
Welcome!

I have been with my girlfriend about a year, we are in a long distance relationship, she lives in Colombia and I live in the USA.  We first started dating 3 years ago, but after 5 months things didn't seem right.  I eventually discovered that she was in another relationship and ended things . . .

Fast forward 3 years and we started talking again, realized that we still had feelings for each other, and started a new relationship.

How do you date someone in Colombia, if you are in the US?  How many face-face dates have you had with her in the US or in Colombia?

When you started talking again, who initiated contact?  Was it perhaps her, looking for a money source?

I've got to be honest with you.  Elements of your account sounds like similar stories where people are scammed into thinking they are in a romantic  relationship with someone in another country.  They are prompted to send more and more money to rescue the person that they think they are in a romantic relationship with.

At some level, these people who act as "rescuers", are being used or scammed.   Your situation may differ a bit, but I'm thinking you need to do a reality check before you lose too much money.

What's your hope?:
1.  Do you hope to get her a green card to stay in the US.  Perhaps marry her & help her become a citizen?

2.  Do you want to immigrate to Colombia?

3.  Do you want to carry on with a cyber relationship & be her rescuer & sugar daddy?    

She lies about everything, and I mean everything, for no reason. . .She has started telling me that she is going to kill herself which I have learned that she is using to manipulate me.

 
    
I think you could benefit from going to a therapist for awhile & investigate why you are in this relationship:
1.  Why are you acting as a rescuer?

2.  Is beauty enough to offset lies & manipulation?

3.  Is this a healthy relationship for you?  Once she finds another money source, will you still have a relationship?

4.  Is this international romance really a relationship in the true sense?

Sorry if I'm a bit blunt, but I'm trying to provoke some thought about why you are compelled to rescue this woman.  Better to seriously think this over, before you go broke trying to rescue her.  Beauty & sexual attraction will only take you so far in a relationship.  



 

[djg3665]

Thanks for your reply and you bring up several valid points.  I didn't explain my history in the relationship clearly, just the BPD behaviors that I am looking for advice.   
 
Yes, we have met in person several times and I have been to Colombia a total of 16 times now, so I know her and the culture there very well.  Yes, we have talked about marriage and longer term commitments to each other.  We are exploring a tourist visa for her to come to the United States for months at a time, I am not 100 percent comfortable with a green card at this point.  All of her family and friends are in Colombia, so it will be a culture shock and I want her to experience what it is like here before we make a decision for her to move to the USA or me to move there.  My job allows me to work remote, so moving there is definitely an option.  So, permanency and a future are frequently discussed.

As far as the "sugar daddy" and rescuer; it is part of the culture there that the significant other helps.  It has nothing to do with rescuing anyone and she doesn't ask for anything more than help with basic necessities.  If it were just a financial arrangement, I would expect that I would be asked for Gucci handbags, luxury vacations, and things like that.  Right now it is just a $75/month airbnb, and $125 for food, medicine, and to good about herself by going to the salon once in a while.  So I don't think that is an issue because she could easily find a "sugar daddy" to give her a luxurious lifestyle if that is what she wanted. 

As far as why I am compelled for this woman; I don't think that the international issue is any different than a relationship in the states outside of cultural differences which I understand.  My hope is that someone can relate to the behaviors that she is exhibiting, how to handle them appropriately maybe via personal examples.

[No-One]

Hi again djg3665:

My hope is that someone can relate to the behaviors that she is exhibiting, how to handle them appropriately maybe via personal examples.

You will likely be more successful by posting a unique post, with a very specific title about a specific behavior you want help with. Best to give your own specific examples.

If you go to the large green band, at the top of the page, you will find a "Tools Menu".  That's a good place to start with learning some strategies.  "Don't Be Invalidating" & "Boundaries" are a good place to start.  You might want to click on the "Workshops" link on that menu, and cruise around the topics.

It would likely be helpful for you to read the book "Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist".  If you go to the link below, you will find a review & comments made by other members:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

You have put yourself in a caretaking role, which can be similar to a parenting role.  Many parents find that at some point, they have to quit caretaking their adult BPD children. The same situation can apply in a romantic relationship. As long as someone continues to financially support someone with BPD (who isn't a spouse), not many positive changes are likely to occur.

The following article, at the link below could be helpful: "4 Ways to Deal With Manipulative People":

"Overall, in coping with manipulation, it’s best to follow four basic principles: Know your rights and your limits; set clear, appropriate boundaries in a respectful and neutral way; recognize and avoid the other person’s efforts to escalate the conflict or muddy the issue; and always make sure to protect your own safety."
Note:The above is an excerpt from the article.  To read the complete article go to: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201807/4-ways-deal-manipulative-people

Enforcing boundaries could be your most important tool.

Best to radically accept that she is who she is.  You won't likely change her, at least for the long run (some behaviors might take a little vacation). The only person you can control is yourself and how you react and interact.  In that light, you can learn specfic communication tools and strategies.  These tools, along with boundary enforcement, can make things better for you.

People who live daily with a person with BPD (PWBP) struggle with their relationships.  Most find out that after they went from infrequently seeing each other, to seeing each other daily, bad behaviors escalate. Expect that the relationship will remain challenging.  

Keep reading, jump into post topics that interest you and initiate posts for things you want help with.

Best wishes!