Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 01, 2020, 08:37:11 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Having a hard time getting over it  (Read 1290 times)
lucidone
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 60


« Reply #30 on: October 20, 2019, 10:46:12 PM »

I just think it is tragic that we were made to feel like we were so important to them and never really were...she was this important to me and I wanted to keep knowing each other and being able to work on things in a way that we could feel how we felt and bring them into the relationship ...but that could never happen because she doesn’t know how she really feels and when she runs into the part of herself to actually heal to know she runs away and projects and blames and it ball game over...I just tragic...

It's all so very tragic. It's tragic because they fear abandonment and rejection and it's their defense mechanisms they use that result in that.  It's tragic because I've dealt with a lifetime of depression and anxiety without any help from anybody, but I can't get close enough to help her with her issues.  It's tragic because they need us but at the same time paint us as the enemy.

I think we're important to them, just not in the typical way as in a healthy relationship.  We're important to them because we satisfy their need of others to make them feel secure.  I think it's that desperate need that to them justifies any inappropriate behavior.  It's their number one concern.

Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6023


« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2019, 10:24:04 AM »

Excerpt
It's tragic because they fear abandonment and rejection and it's their defense mechanisms they use that result in that.

Hey lucidone, right, those w/BPD fear abandonment yet drive others away hard.  They want love, yet behave in unloving fashion.  They seek peace, yet foster turmoil.  I could continue, but you get the point.  It's what I like to call the "paradox of BPD": Their actions bring about the exact opposite outcome from what they seek.

LuckyJim

Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
secretgirl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 193



« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2019, 12:27:43 PM »

Hey lucidone, right, those w/BPD fear abandonment yet drive others away hard.  They want love, yet behave in unloving fashion.  They seek peace, yet foster turmoil.  I could continue, but you get the point.  It's what I like to call the "paradox of BPD": Their actions bring about the exact opposite outcome from what they seek.

LuckyJim



I can 100% agree with this... it's like their biggest fear becomes a reality because they MAKE it a reality overtime, unfortunately. It sucks.... I still am stuck in the in between with my ubpdexbf. Not sure if he will ever come back, or what I'd decide if he did so I can't help much right now... all I can relate to is with how you're feeling .
It sucks, it's heart-wrenching, I feel guilt, shame, helplessness, disappointment in myself, also anger and frustration because of their never ending high expectations of you yet they portray the opposite in themselves. The hypocrisy is unnerving, the subtleties annoying, yet the light they have in the "good times" brings us so much joy it's overwhelming. This overwhelming happiness we get I'm assuming is how they constantly feel about EVERYTHING. But I do miss my bf a lot... we connected in so many ways. The good times were , well, very good. It's what I hang onto, like you, my friend.
I have sympathy and empathy to a whole other degree but I'm stuck because I also suffer with anxiety and depression as you do and I want to grow and love myself and my ubpdexbf is almost hindering that process for me.
SO it's something to think about... takes a long time I think for us to actually decide what we want to do, as it does for them. We are so similar and dissimilar to them in many ways. I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now.. but it's good. Feeling everything is part of the process , I think. At least it helps me let things out, as opposed to hold them in. Hang in there! 

Deciding and getting over it takes a while... I still suffer losing my parents and it happened just over a year and a half ago. First four months I cried every single day.. even outside in day to day places like the grocery store. I was embarrassed but I had SO many random people come hug me. It was so nice to see the good in humanity. A break-up isn't dissimilar I think to losing someone you love. You cry, you're angry, feel guilt, etc. It's the same as losing someone... when my parents died, I regretted every bad thing I ever said to them but then realized they know I loved them. SO i learned to forgive myself. If it makes you feel any better, I can empathize with your pain. But it's good you're writing on here and letting it out instead of letting it fester inside.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!