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Author Topic: Having a hard time getting over it  (Read 698 times)
lucidone
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 54


« Reply #30 on: October 20, 2019, 10:46:12 PM »

I just think it is tragic that we were made to feel like we were so important to them and never really were...she was this important to me and I wanted to keep knowing each other and being able to work on things in a way that we could feel how we felt and bring them into the relationship ...but that could never happen because she doesn’t know how she really feels and when she runs into the part of herself to actually heal to know she runs away and projects and blames and it ball game over...I just tragic...

It's all so very tragic. It's tragic because they fear abandonment and rejection and it's their defense mechanisms they use that result in that.  It's tragic because I've dealt with a lifetime of depression and anxiety without any help from anybody, but I can't get close enough to help her with her issues.  It's tragic because they need us but at the same time paint us as the enemy.

I think we're important to them, just not in the typical way as in a healthy relationship.  We're important to them because we satisfy their need of others to make them feel secure.  I think it's that desperate need that to them justifies any inappropriate behavior.  It's their number one concern.

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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5758


« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2019, 10:24:04 AM »

Excerpt
It's tragic because they fear abandonment and rejection and it's their defense mechanisms they use that result in that.

Hey lucidone, right, those w/BPD fear abandonment yet drive others away hard.  They want love, yet behave in unloving fashion.  They seek peace, yet foster turmoil.  I could continue, but you get the point.  It's what I like to call the "paradox of BPD": Their actions bring about the exact opposite outcome from what they seek.

LuckyJim

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secretgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186



« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2019, 12:27:43 PM »

Hey lucidone, right, those w/BPD fear abandonment yet drive others away hard.  They want love, yet behave in unloving fashion.  They seek peace, yet foster turmoil.  I could continue, but you get the point.  It's what I like to call the "paradox of BPD": Their actions bring about the exact opposite outcome from what they seek.

LuckyJim



I can 100% agree with this... it's like their biggest fear becomes a reality because they MAKE it a reality overtime, unfortunately. It sucks.... I still am stuck in the in between with my ubpdexbf. Not sure if he will ever come back, or what I'd decide if he did so I can't help much right now... all I can relate to is with how you're feeling .
It sucks, it's heart-wrenching, I feel guilt, shame, helplessness, disappointment in myself, also anger and frustration because of their never ending high expectations of you yet they portray the opposite in themselves. The hypocrisy is unnerving, the subtleties annoying, yet the light they have in the "good times" brings us so much joy it's overwhelming. This overwhelming happiness we get I'm assuming is how they constantly feel about EVERYTHING. But I do miss my bf a lot... we connected in so many ways. The good times were , well, very good. It's what I hang onto, like you, my friend.
I have sympathy and empathy to a whole other degree but I'm stuck because I also suffer with anxiety and depression as you do and I want to grow and love myself and my ubpdexbf is almost hindering that process for me.
SO it's something to think about... takes a long time I think for us to actually decide what we want to do, as it does for them. We are so similar and dissimilar to them in many ways. I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now.. but it's good. Feeling everything is part of the process , I think. At least it helps me let things out, as opposed to hold them in. Hang in there! 

Deciding and getting over it takes a while... I still suffer losing my parents and it happened just over a year and a half ago. First four months I cried every single day.. even outside in day to day places like the grocery store. I was embarrassed but I had SO many random people come hug me. It was so nice to see the good in humanity. A break-up isn't dissimilar I think to losing someone you love. You cry, you're angry, feel guilt, etc. It's the same as losing someone... when my parents died, I regretted every bad thing I ever said to them but then realized they know I loved them. SO i learned to forgive myself. If it makes you feel any better, I can empathize with your pain. But it's good you're writing on here and letting it out instead of letting it fester inside.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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