Ubpdh stormed out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Need to gain clarity of the situation, if anyone has ideas/interpretation please sound them below. We are going on a second week after the move. It is simply crazy. From unpacking boxes, to driving kids further to extracurricular, to me trying to catch up with my school. I have been stressed and overwhelmed. In addition, ubpdh’s foo found that we have bought he mansion. Everyone started lining up for their cut of the pie. Which in turn triggered my abandonment/ unfairness ptsd like Symptoms. I’m shaking, flashing hot and cold, sleeping 8 hrs and wake up tired. I feel like his foo members will come into our lives again, like they did before. Start coming unannounced, try to get heads up on the family plans. His mother is manipulative bpd, constantly criticizing me and provoking fights between us. She plays the victim card, I become the persecutor and he unleashes an atomic bomb on me. She doesn’t recognize the boundaries and he refuses to enforce them. I feel outnumbered, like I constantly have to protect my family’s autonomy and right to live by our values (in ubpdh’s case lack of such). I have been lc with his foo ever since the house escapades started. I have blocked her off the lines, only keeping an app communication for emergencies. I don’t really concern myself if they know they are blocked off. When they enter our lives, they validate the very masogonistic and abusive way of ubpdh’s behaviour. They have been trying to “see the house” for several weeks, through asking my mother for the adress and asking me for the photos. If we could keep the relationships neutral I would have no objection. It’s been weighting heavily on my consciousness. What happens if he finds out, or better when? Several months ago ubpdh instructed me not to speak to his family, since they were demanding of us. He, however didn’t explicitly tell me to block off the line, just stop answering the calls. We have same phone hardware, so when I block them off of mine, it automatically does it on his. Temporarily it alleviates the issues with my ubpdh allowing his foo take over the financial decisions and the way we are living our lives. I’m buying time to raise the children just a little older. Just a little more. I can’t live by values that aren’t my own, twist myself into pretzel just for someone not to abuse me. He was mostly nice to me these two weeks. Still yelling and cussing but quickly snapping back. Then today, while driving to the furniture store to decorate the house, something snapped inside of me and I started telling him that I was miserable. That my life was nicer 5 years ago when we travelled, spent time together and I needed to be heard and validated. Most of our friends are travelling every 3 months and I would rather do that. Not this expensive house he is obsessed with, calling and inviting everyone over just to show that he had made it. I’m a tad resentful. He started yelling in the highway that I was the one who was ademant about buying and not renting and going to school, so now deal with it. The scenario went as usual, I’m punishing you for a week, I won’t sleep with you, I don’t love you, what did you think was going to happen when you were saying this a million times? (I started whining, complaining last night). Now he wants to see less of me, he pulled over two towns away from our home, took his gym bag and went by foot. (
I can’t live in superficial, shallow relationships where I have to sensor myself, lack on any kind of validation. He sees that I’m forcing him to take me on vacation, I see is I don’t need the vacation, I need empathy and validation from being tired living in this chaos. I feel abandoned and want to cry. He knows just whIch buttons to push

[snowglobe]

Need to gain clarity of the situation, if anyone has ideas/interpretation please sound them below. We are going on a second week after the move. It is simply crazy. From unpacking boxes, to driving kids further to extracurricular, to me trying to catch up with my school. I have been stressed and overwhelmed. In addition, ubpdh’s foo found that we have bought he mansion. Everyone started lining up for their cut of the pie. Which in turn triggered my abandonment/ unfairness ptsd like Symptoms. I’m shaking, flashing hot and cold, sleeping 8 hrs and wake up tired. I feel like his foo members will come into our lives again, like they did before. Start coming unannounced, try to get heads up on the family plans. His mother is manipulative bpd, constantly criticizing me and provoking fights between us. She plays the victim card, I become the persecutor and he unleashes an atomic bomb on me. She doesn’t recognize the boundaries and he refuses to enforce them. I feel outnumbered, like I constantly have to protect my family’s autonomy and right to live by our values (in ubpdh’s case lack of such). I have been lc with his foo ever since the house escapades started. I have blocked her off the lines, only keeping an app communication for emergencies. I don’t really concern myself if they know they are blocked off. When they enter our lives, they validate the very masogonistic and abusive way of ubpdh’s behaviour. They have been trying to “see the house” for several weeks, through asking my mother for the adress and asking me for the photos. If we could keep the relationships neutral I would have no objection. It’s been weighting heavily on my consciousness. What happens if he finds out, or better when? Several months ago ubpdh instructed me not to speak to his family, since they were demanding of us. He, however didn’t explicitly tell me to block off the line, just stop answering the calls. We have same phone hardware, so when I block them off of mine, it automatically does it on his. Temporarily it alleviates the issues with my ubpdh allowing his foo take over the financial decisions and the way we are living our lives. I’m buying time to raise the children just a little older. Just a little more. I can’t live by values that aren’t my own, twist myself into pretzel just for someone not to abuse me. He was mostly nice to me these two weeks. Still yelling and cussing but quickly snapping back. Then today, while driving to the furniture store to decorate the house, something snapped inside of me and I started telling him that I was miserable. That my life was nicer 5 years ago when we travelled, spent time together and I needed to be heard and validated. Most of our friends are travelling every 3 months and I would rather do that. Not this expensive house he is obsessed with, calling and inviting everyone over just to show that he had made it. I’m a tad resentful. He started yelling in the highway that I was the one who was ademant about buying and not renting and going to school, so now deal with it. The scenario went as usual, I’m punishing you for a week, I won’t sleep with you, I don’t love you, what did you think was going to happen when you were saying this a million times? (I started whining, complaining last night). Now he wants to see less of me, he pulled over two towns away from our home, took his gym bag and went by foot. (
I can’t live in superficial, shallow relationships where I have to sensor myself, lack on any kind of validation. He sees that I’m forcing him to take me on vacation, I see is I don’t need the vacation, I need empathy and validation from being tired living in this chaos. I feel abandoned and want to cry. He knows just whIch buttons to push

[snowglobe]

I want to send him a message, I assume he is walking to the gym. He has his wallet, phone and all of his bank cards. Uber is an option, but he chooses to walk to further reinstate his victimization. He did during the wintertime. Nothing new here, I demand/confess he withdraws. He did approximate validation this morning, I should have taken it and ran with it. A few times he piped out “poor you”, “ I can imagine”. Why did I go all raw and vulnerable? I can’t hold it down any longer. I want to live the authentic life, where things are just tangibles and people thrive on meaningful connections and relationships. I want to write to him, but I won’t. Instead I will write it here:
“ today was a difficult day for me, it’s been this way for the past two weeks, and six months before that. I’m glad you got your dream house and everything you have hoped for. I am also resentful that you aren’t taking my opinion, wishes or desires into consideration. I’m resenting power inequality when it comes to making family’s decisions. Just because you hold the financial power over me, which is a financial abuse on its own, doesn’t mean you own me or my time. You dictate everything from what I eat, wear and do, to chastising and reprimanding me like I’m a child. I’m a full gown adult who is being manipulated into care taking a grown man. I can now understand my frustration as a child when you started doing this when I was 17. I’m sick of you not wanting to validate or empathize with me, you are narcissistic to the core. You either  see people as useful or useless. You see no remorse and the only person that you truly love and care about it you. Any attempt at taking care of myself is met with judgement, punishment and chastising. I’m supposed to wake up magically looking like a supermodel, yet I’m not supposed to spend time or money attending to it. You are constantly belittling me and making me feel inferior, because you are a coward and you need to threaten me into a submission. I’m afraid to leave you because the only time you thought I was leaving was one of the scariest in my life. You are unstable and I think you will gamble away your money just like you did before. To you, your money, your only purpose for living isn’t a tool to enjoy life with your children and wife. It’s your way of controlling everyone, in a manner of the donkey with a carrot. You have a beautiful body that you work so hard at perfecting, but your soul is a deserted minefield  that I have lost myself on. I mostly pity you, I don’t want to be intimate with your body anymore. I don’t want the flying monkeys, artificial porn you watch, I want an intimate connection, not this shallow physical coitus. I’m angry with you so much so that I want to hurt you or get away from you. Neither of us are moving in a direction of mental health and I don’t think you ever will. I’m worried for my children in case if any of my decisions. I am worried about you killing me, since you talked about “taking out” a person who crossed you in business. I believe it’s just an angry blabbering, but the thought is there. You won’t want to share your precious financial resources and loose your ego to your wife leaving you. I know you an afford to make it look like I had an accident. I’m afraid of you hurting the kids in desperation. I don’t believe the law can protect me with your connections to the underworld. You can make it untraceable, you are techno genius, that I know for certain. I’m afraid to die, but I am also afraid to live this way for the next whatever years I have left. I feel emotionally violated. You can live on a picture perfect surface, you need a robot who will make you feel like a king. I am desperate to change you, and I know that is an insane statement. I know that I’m not enough of a reinforcement for you to change. I know your attachment is shallow and you won’t remember me or the kids after several weeks. I wish you were eating a broken glass so I knew you are sick for certain. I keep on waiting for the person I fell for to show up, but he checked out a while ago.

[formflier]

I can’t live in superficial, shallow relationships where I have to sensor myself, lack on any kind of validation. He sees that I’m forcing him to take me on vacation, I see is I don’t need the vacation, I need empathy and validation from being tired living in this chaos. I feel abandoned and want to cry. He knows just whIch buttons to push

You have mentioned this and similar things many times before. 

I'm curious.  Since you have known this for a while, I don't understand why you chose this when you had other choices.

My take is there is nothing at all unusual going on.  This type of thing seemed entirely predictable.

So..now that you are where you are.

Don't react to him.  Go live you life.  Focus on what you are learning in therapy.  You won't be able to figure him out...and he will eventually come back towards normal.

DO NOT SEND HIM A MESSAGE  He can communicate with you if he wants...or he can victimize himself...let him have his choice.

Trust me.  He has no interest whatsoever in your feelings.  Telling him about them is like pouring gas on the fire.

Let this go.  Focus on caring for your feelings. 

Best,

FF

[formflier]

 I’m buying time to raise the children just a little older. Just a little more. I can’t live by values that aren’t my own, twist myself into pretzel just for someone not to abuse me.


  He started yelling in the highway that I was the one who was ademant about buying and not renting and going to school, so now deal with it.

 

Snowglobe,

You are fundamentally being dishonest with yourself about your purpose here.  If it was about "buying time for your children" or about your children at all...different choices have been made.

Do we need reminders about your bitcoin plan to find the secret stash?

So...you get the house, your bitcoin secret stash plan is well on its way and as a show of appreciation for your husband you tell him you are miserable and all that other stuff.

And...you are curious/don't understand why he had the reaction he did?  What did you expect he would do?  

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

You have mentioned this and similar things many times before. 

I'm curious.  Since you have known this for a while, I don't understand why you chose this when you had other choices.

My take is there is nothing at all unusual going on.  This type of thing seemed entirely predictable.

So..now that you are where you are.

Don't react to him.  Go live you life.  Focus on what you are learning in therapy.  You won't be able to figure him out...and he will eventually come back towards normal.

DO NOT SEND HIM A MESSAGE  He can communicate with you if he wants...or he can victimize himself...let him have his choice.

Trust me.  He has no interest whatsoever in your feelings.  Telling him about them is like pouring gas on the fire.

Let this go.  Focus on caring for your feelings. 

Best,

FF

Thank goodness you are here and I have a lifeline. Sometimes this place is the only thing that helps me to keep going for the kids. I did not send anything to him, in fact I will quietly make dinner and stir down to study. I’m doing this for me and the children, it’s soothing for my soul, to read.
Ff, I’m afraid he will do something to me or the children. He has the resources, means and connection. Recently he was crossed in his business matters. Several times he spoke to other people involved about his wish to take that person out. No person- no more problem. When I asked him about that, he says he was angry and just kidding. Yet, I don’t believe in that.
I will stay down and quiet, spend time with the children and get lost in his enormous house. Let him have the bedroom. His peace and quiet.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe,

You are fundamentally being dishonest with yourself about your purpose here.  If it was about "buying time for your children" or about your children at all...different choices have been made.

Do we need reminders about your bitcoin plan to find the secret stash?

So...you get the house, your bitcoin secret stash plan is well on its way and as a show of appreciation for your husband you tell him you are miserable and all that other stuff.

And...you are curious/don't understand why he had the reaction he did?  What did you expect he would do?  

Best,

FF

Ff, sometimes the things we say we want to do, aren’t the things we can carry out. I had the stash, it was in my possession throughout the move. Only several days ago did he ask for it to put in away for safekeeping. Guess what? I did absolutely nothing. With it. No pictures, didn’t try to log in, didn’t run with it. I don’t have it in me to pull the trigger. I felt kind of disgusted with myself for even thinking I could carry it out. Conflicted is true, the right word to use here. I don’t want to steal from him, if he thinks it’s his, and it’s ultimately his purpose, taking it away will put me and the children at risk. I am willing to do a fare trade. I take the kids, half of the house and business and he takes his coins. That is how my plan come crushing and burning. I also found my core values and what is really important in my life.

[formflier]

  I also found my core values and what is really important in my life.

Can you distill these core values down to a sentence or two?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Can you distill these core values down to a sentence or two?

Best,

FF

Being with my children in a peaceful and safe environment, where I can demonstrate a dignified way of living. A place where my opinion and their wishes could get heard in a consistent manner. Where we feel safe to speak and voice our concerns without a fear of being punished or persecuted for it.

[snowglobe]

The night went uneventful, I came home only to find that he walked home for over 3 hours. I stayed down and away from him, sleeping with my son. When I woke up this morning I found him sleeping on a love seat that is small even for a child. And so the self loathing begins. He is the victim and I am the persecutor. He said several times yesterday “do you want me to pick up smoking again?. Or to hang myself?”. It’s been said about 3 times in the past month, it has been on his mind. He has been smoke free, we went through the retreats and other treatments in order for him to kick the habit. It’s been a year since he has been smoke free and close to a year since he last used cocaine. I am concerned that he is at a risk of relapse for both addictions, using me as a blame/scapegoat for him taking on to the habit.

[Notwendy]

I am concerned that he is at a risk of relapse for both addictions, using me as a blame/scapegoat for him taking on to the habit.


Snowglobe- I am concerned that the messages we have posted have not gotten through to you. This last statement is all about him. Your posts are mostly focused on him and his latest behavior in the moment--and what can you do to best affect his behavior.

What's needed when coping with dysfunction in a relationship is a good look in the mirror, not just for you but for all of us. How are we also participating in the dysfunction and also, if someone's behavior is not tolerable, what are we going to do about it from our standpoint- not the other person.

So here you are with your H, in a new house where he's financially over extended and clearly stressed about it.  For someone in that situation, one thing they are probably thinking about is how to earn more, which means probably working more. And you bring up the fact that your friends are travelling and how you were happier travelling? As FF said- How did this sound to him?

You say your core values are to raise your kids while they are still young and at home. Then you also say you were happier travelling with your H and you left them with your parents?

Snowglobe, if this is your value, then focus on it. The kids need you home, content with your situation as much as is possible. If you can do it, carve your place in this home with them. Your H will do what he does. Stop looking to him to change so you can be happy- do more, do less, travel, whatever.  The situation at home is difficult for you, but if your H is putting a roof over your head and food on the table, I hope you can find contentment in this- because this is the choice you made. The other one would have been to split the house sale money and try to be content with that, but you didn't choose that.

 

[formflier]

Being with my children in a peaceful and safe environment, where I can demonstrate a dignified way of living. A place where my opinion and their wishes could get heard in a consistent manner. Where we feel safe to speak and voice our concerns without a fear of being punished or persecuted for it.

Are you living out your core values?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

I am concerned that he is at a risk of relapse for both addictions, using me as a blame/scapegoat for him taking on to the habit.


Snowglobe- I am concerned that the messages we have posted have not gotten through to you. This last statement is all about him. Your posts are mostly focused on him and his latest behavior in the moment--and what can you do to best affect his behavior.

What's needed when coping with dysfunction in a relationship is a good look in the mirror, not just for you but for all of us. How are we also participating in the dysfunction and also, if someone's behavior is not tolerable, what are we going to do about it from our standpoint- not the other person.

So here you are with your H, in a new house where he's financially over extended and clearly stressed about it.  For someone in that situation, one thing they are probably thinking about is how to earn more, which means probably working more. And you bring up the fact that your friends are travelling and how you were happier travelling? As FF said- How did this sound to him?

You say your core values are to raise your kids while they are still young and at home. Then you also say you were happier travelling with your H and you left them with your parents?

Snowglobe, if this is your value, then focus on it. The kids need you home, content with your situation as much as is possible. If you can do it, carve your place in this home with them. Your H will do what he does. Stop looking to him to change so you can be happy- do more, do less, travel, whatever.  The situation at home is difficult for you, but if your H is putting a roof over your head and food on the table, I hope you can find contentment in this- because this is the choice you made. The other one would have been to split the house sale money and try to be content with that, but you didn't choose that.

Wendy, thank you, I needed reality check. Somehow I went into this place and seem stuck in there. It’s a lot that he is doing for me, putting me through school is a good example if that. I will do my best to provide stable and safe environment for the kids and keep my interaction with ubpdh to a minimum. Once he calms down, hopefully we will reengage

[snowglobe]

Are you living out your core values?

Best,

FF

I have not in a while, which brings me to cognitive dissonance. I feel as if I internalized someone else’s values and priorities in a form of financial security and now battling with it internally

[Notwendy]

Timing is something to consider. Your family just moved, your H is stressed. If he can't handle his own emotions well, he's not likely to handle anyone else's well either.

I don't blame you for being upset and angry at some of his behaviors. It's just that approaching him at this time- when he's stressed ( maybe not any time) with your feelings doesn't go well.

Stomping off and going to the gym is a healthier way of coping  than to lash out at you, turn to drugs or porn. This may have been his healthiest way of coping with being stressed and angry.

The problem is that it triggered your abandonment fears. When we think about triggers- whose triggers are they? Our own. This means we have some control over them. If someone is able to trigger our fears- that's not on them, it's on us- it's our fears. We can work on that.

Consider this. A while back he said he wanted to sell the house, take the money and be free. This scared you and so you didn't want to sell the house so he couldn't do that. Now, he did sell the house. But did he take the money and leave? No he didn't. He bought a bigger house ( which ties him down more financially) with all of you there with him.

IMHO this is not the behavior of a man who wants out and who doesn't want to see his kids. Yes, he makes threats, but look at his actions.

Can you stay calm when he chooses to walk away, go to the gym, walk several miles. If this helps him calm down it's way better than the other ways he deals with anger/stress.

I don't suggest you become a docile, compliant, domestic slave,  but for the moment, perhaps you can focus on the kids and getting them settled while leaving your H to deal with his stress levels.

[snowglobe]

Timing is something to consider. Your family just moved, your H is stressed. If he can't handle his own emotions well, he's not likely to handle anyone else's well either.

I don't blame you for being upset and angry at some of his behaviors. It's just that approaching him at this time- when he's stressed ( maybe not any time) with your feelings doesn't go well.

Stomping off and going to the gym is a healthier way of coping  than to lash out at you, turn to drugs or porn. This may have been his healthiest way of coping with being stressed and angry.

The problem is that it triggered your abandonment fears. When we think about triggers- whose triggers are they? Our own. This means we have some control over them. If someone is able to trigger our fears- that's not on them, it's on us- it's our fears. We can work on that.

Consider this. A while back he said he wanted to sell the house, take the money and be free. This scared you and so you didn't want to sell the house so he couldn't do that. Now, he did sell the house. But did he take the money and leave? No he didn't. He bought a bigger house ( which ties him down more financially) with all of you there with him.

IMHO this is not the behavior of a man who wants out and who doesn't want to see his kids. Yes, he makes threats, but look at his actions.

Can you stay calm when he chooses to walk away, go to the gym, walk several miles. If this helps him calm down it's way better than the other ways he deals with anger/stress.

I don't suggest you become a docile, compliant, domestic slave,  but for the moment, perhaps you can focus on the kids and getting them settled while leaving your H to deal with his stress levels.

Thank you Wendy, for your empathy and normalizing how I feel. I do see the pattern and recognize my own contribution to the problem. We were together 24/7 for the past 2 weeks which been challenging as ubpdh is constantly attention seeking from me. He needs reassurance and contribution to whatever he is doing at that moment. I left my schooling on the back burner, and have been trying to catch up for about 5 days now. I’ve also neglected to take care of myself which added to me feeling inadequate. I’m certain that it was my contribution that set off the domino effect. Yet, I’m not feeling guilty for expressing how I feel. I sincerely thought he could handle it. Now he is avoiding me and not acknowledging my presence. Instead taking snaps at me every time something is not perfect or a mistake is made. Something so small and trivial that is looks like a witch-hunt when he goes after me. E.g mark on the interior of the car for moving the seat too close to the boxes. He criticized me last night for it and forbade to take the car out, “the punishment stage”. If I don’t come and soothe his feelings he is doing everything in his power to make my life as difficult as possible. Which in turn makes me resent him for being petty. It’s been two days and we aren’t any closer to successful resolution

[formflier]

Yet, I’m not feeling guilty for expressing how I feel. I sincerely thought he could handle it. 

This is magical thinking.

Please help us understand what evidence you thought through to determine he could handle it.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

No need to feel guilty. Think of this as a learning experience. You tried it, and see the results. Look back at the other times you tried this and how it went. Perhaps you can see a pattern.

If your H isn't able to self soothe, then adding your feelings to his is likely to not go well. Although you thought he could handle it, you see now that he can't. If he can't- then this is who he is, and it's important to see that.

For many in these types of relationships, neither partner can self soothe well but they express it differently. Your way of self soothing when you are upset about how he is feeling is to try to fix his upset. But each of you needs to learn to self soothe yourselves.

He leans on you to do it, you then feel resentment, and then you express that and then the cycle continues. How to stop that?

IMHO, it helps to have someone else to vent to- someone that won't make a triangle with the two of you. The only "safe" person I can think of for this is a counselor or 12 step group- where people are savvy not to do this. Venting to a friend or family member often draws them to "your side" but to change we need people who are objective and can point out our own contribution to this.

The more skilled you are at self soothing, the easier it is to allow your H the space to learn this too. The more you take care of your self- the less resentful you feel. Don't neglect your studies, or yourself in this.

Also, 24/7 togetherness may not be an emotionally healthy arrangement for either of you. Togetherness is great, but also each of you may need some space for being just you- your school, his job, his gym, your hobbies. It's Ok to do this.

You have both chosen to stay together, at least for now. How can the conflict be less- without you being a doormat? IMHO, I think one way is for you to take some time to focus on school, so you won't feel resentful. Being his Teddy isn't good for either of you. Self care is a way to manage resentment.

[DragoN]

I want to live the authentic life, where things are just tangibles and people thrive on meaningful connections and relationships. I want to write to him, but I won’t. Instead I will write it here:

No point writing it where he will not see it.

Classic case of walking on egg shells. Thing is, that is all it will be regardless of mastering validation skills.  Validating your experiences of dealing with him won't help you either. Short term relief at best, but nothing changes with him.

So, start breaking egg shells. He will wig out, that is what he does regardless of whether you are right or wrong in any given situation.

Minimum, you are being authentic to yourself.

[snowglobe]

This is magical thinking.

Please help us understand what evidence you thought through to determine he could handle it.

Best,

FF

He was validating the same morning when I expressed the same concerns earlier. He said “poor you” and “this seem hard”, so I thought we were making progress

[Notwendy]

Recognize these comments "Poor you" as drama bait. Not in a negative way- he may not be "baiting" you- it's your drug- your co-dependent drug. And you took the bait by pouring out your emotions. Was there another way? How about "poor you, this must be tough" and then reply " thank you for understanding" . This is drama free and if he is honestly making an attempt- then it reinforces that. After your response, he might be thinking " this is what I get for trying to  be nice".

This is not about walking on eggshells- it's about you. Be aware of your own triggers, and your own emotional "bait". Talk to a counselor about your feelings- pour them all out there and let the counselor coach you on how/when to share them with you H if at all possible.

Drama can be a way of "intimacy" for some high conflict couples. In the emotional heat of the moment, they feel engaged, alive and high on the neurotransmitters . Afterwards comes a crash- they feel depleted, exhausted, depressed- as if they were coming down from a drug high, but didn't touch a drug.

They may even ( not on purpose but by habit) "bait" each other again for another emotional high on the drama.

If this is what's going on for you, then the idea of "emotional sobriety" is something you can understand-- and strive for.

[formflier]

After your response, he might be thinking " this is what I get for trying to  be nice".

I would want to add to what Notwendy said.  It's also completely a normal train of thought/reaction for him to be flummoxed by you saying you are miserable.

After all...you are getting exactly what you signed on for.   He was most likely looking for appreciation...wouldn't you think most people that just made a significant provision for their loved ones would feel that way?

Best,

FF



 

[DragoN]

Drama can be a way of "intimacy" for some high conflict couples. In the emotional heat of the moment, they feel engaged, alive and high on the neurotransmitters

This aspect came up on discussions many moons ago, and I think it is very true. The disordered partner gets off on the drama.  My ex would literally vomit after a fight, and stated that if he could get me angry, he knew I cared. Which was just the most bizarre thing to hear.

So, basically, keep your cool, disengage, go for a walk ( if he tries to stop you, go anyways, and if he gets physical- call the police )

[snowglobe]

Recognize these comments "Poor you" as drama bait. Not in a negative way- he may not be "baiting" you- it's your drug- your co-dependent drug. And you took the bait by pouring out your emotions. Was there another way? How about "poor you, this must be tough" and then reply " thank you for understanding" . This is drama free and if he is honestly making an attempt- then it reinforces that. After your response, he might be thinking " this is what I get for trying to  be nice".

This is not about walking on eggshells- it's about you. Be aware of your own triggers, and your own emotional "bait". Talk to a counselor about your feelings- pour them all out there and let the counselor coach you on how/when to share them with you H if at all possible.

Drama can be a way of "intimacy" for some high conflict couples. In the emotional heat of the moment, they feel engaged, alive and high on the neurotransmitters . Afterwards comes a crash- they feel depleted, exhausted, depressed- as if they were coming down from a drug high, but didn't touch a drug.

They may even ( not on purpose but by habit) "bait" each other again for another emotional high on the drama.

If this is what's going on for you, then the idea of "emotional sobriety" is something you can understand-- and strive for.

Wendy,
You are definitely on the right track. It almost seems now that I provoked his reaction, albeit subconsciously because I needed to reinstate with him and get him down to understand how I feel. We are emotionally volitive couple. He can’t express and withdrawals I can’t contain and pursue. I will explore it in therapy, thank you for the support guys

[snowglobe]

I would want to add to what Notwendy said.  It's also completely a normal train of thought/reaction for him to be flummoxed by you saying you are miserable.

After all...you are getting exactly what you signed on for.   He was most likely looking for appreciation...wouldn't you think most people that just made a significant provision for their loved ones would feel that way?

Best,

FF
 

Hi Ff,
I did not consider his feelings, for once, I wanted him to validate mine. I do see your point though, or more like “his point”. He delivered what he had promised me and awaits some recognition.

[formflier]

I did not consider his feelings, for once, I wanted him to validate mine. I do see your point though, or more like “his point”. He delivered what he had promised me and awaits some recognition.

When was the last time you thanked him for his hard work and provision for his family?

Have you explored/read about the work of Gottman?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

There are many more articles if you google them.

Here is the thing. 

You told him what you wanted and he delivered.

When he looks at his "emotional bank account", what is he going to see after purchasing you the mansion of your dreams.

Then...you are presenting him with more demands/needs/wants.  Disordered or not, what is his incentive to attempt to fulfill whatever the request might have been?

Here is my take:  Let him calm somewhat and then you need to own this.  Don't JADE or say it was subconscious...or any of that other stuff.

Own it. 

Then move on.

Do you want to work through what that might look like?  Again...read Gottman and relationship repair.  Don't focus on him or his part...focus on your part.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

When was the last time you thanked him for his hard work and provision for his family?

Have you explored/read about the work of Gottman?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

There are many more articles if you google them.

Here is the thing. 

You told him what you wanted and he delivered.

When he looks at his "emotional bank account", what is he going to see after purchasing you the mansion of your dreams.

Then...you are presenting him with more demands/needs/wants.  Disordered or not, what is his incentive to attempt to fulfill whatever the request might have been?

Here is my take:  Let him calm somewhat and then you need to own this.  Don't JADE or say it was subconscious...or any of that other stuff.

Own it. 

Then move on.

Do you want to work through what that might look like?  Again...read Gottman and relationship repair.  Don't focus on him or his part...focus on your part.

Best,

FF

Ff,
I’m owning it, how do I repair this?

[formflier]

Read the Gottman work.  Part of owning it is owning it to him...I'm assuming you haven't done that yet and don't think you should until he calms AND you have sorted out what this looks like.

And...here is the thing.  When you read Gottman's work, pay attention to how much of owning it is about you and how much owning it is about explaining to your partner their role in this.

I would also invite you to take a step back and consider why this recommendation is important.  Where do you think my head is on this?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Read the Gottman work.  Part of owning it is owning it to him...I'm assuming you haven't done that yet and don't think you should until he calms AND you have sorted out what this looks like.

And...here is the thing.  When you read Gottman's work, pay attention to how much of owning it is about you and how much owning it is about explaining to your partner their role in this.

I would also invite you to take a step back and consider why this recommendation is important.  Where do you think my head is on this?

Best,

FF

I think you want me to own only what I am responsible for, and not the entire situation. I am familiar with some Goffman work, 3:1 ratio, 4 horsemen of Apocalypses

[formflier]

I think you want me to own only what I am responsible for, and not the entire situation. I am familiar with some Goffman work, 3:1 ratio, 4 horsemen of Apocalypses

Please stay focused on the subject of this post.  

That's what I'm talking about.

I think it's important that you explicitly lay out what you think you are responsible for in the dynamic you have reported in this post.  My hope is you can understand how you lead the dynamic between you and your husband down a dark path.

Then my hope is you can be a good example to your husband by owning that leadership, apologizing for it...then moving forward in a positive direction.  (and doing this regardless of how you husband acts/reacts)

A quick note about Gottman's work.  Most of the time when Gottman talks about repair attempts, he is talking about a situation that is slightly off and the effort is to keep things from spiraling out of control.  This particular situation has already spiraled out of control.  (so let things calm while we help you make a plan to "own this"...then you can lead the relationship in a better direction than you did in this instance)

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Good work here that I don't want to interrupt, but insert a reminder that the 9th step of the 12 steps is to be willing to make amends, and to do it- except when it may cause harm to oneself or others.

Snowglobe's H is physically abusive, and if a direct amends may cause any danger, then it's not something to do. However, this doesn't mean not owning one's behavior. Being willing to make amends and to be accountable to a trusted person is important. When we own our behavior, we then are able to take steps to change for the better. The goal is personal accountability and change.

For 12 steps, that person is a sponsor. It could also be a counselor. In some religions like Catholicism it's a priest ( confession). What the person does is hold the "confessor" responsible in a loving way- without hurt, or blame and help the person take a positive direction.

If apologizing to SG H leads to a blow up and abuse, a direct apology isn't the best idea--- but to a safe and constructive person it can be.