How to view your BPD Spouse

[starryeyed]

I recently read the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline. 
I am curious for those that have decided to stay with their BPD, how do you rise above the crazy?  My defense the last 10 months has been to shut down when things get too nuts.  I shut down for days, not as a punishment to them but I don't know how to bring myself right back up.  I guess I have been taking everything personally, because it feels personal. 

Those of you that have stayed, why stay?  Do you feel obligated in some way?  My pros of leaving far outweigh the cons, but my cons hold  a heavy weight. 

Ultimately, my question is how do you view your BPD spouse?  Meaning do you view them as a partner, another child, lover, etc?  It is hard for me to separate the actions, tantrums from the person.  I thought it was a good idea to view the person as a child or mentally ill, but then I think how can I morally have sex with them.  It seems like if you stay with the BPD that they will rarely be your partner and you have to seek help elsewhere for emotionally stability.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

One way that seems helpful to look at it is to regard BPD as a relationship disability.  pwBPD have painfully ineffective and sometimes destructive coping mechanisms for their distress, and they have trouble trusting and feeling safe.  The things they do or don't do in our relationships can feel deeply personal, but regarding it as a disability has helped some members feel like it's less personal.

You are shutting down to protect yourself.  Many of us have done the same.  As you may imagine, this has negative long term implications for the relationship.  There are coping strategies that can help you to protect yourself while shutting down less.  First, can you tell us a little bit about what "crazy" is going on in your life?  What are the most painful aspects of your situation?

RC

[MrsDarling]

I think this is a fantastic question. I struggle with this too. I have been viewing my BPD spouse as a mentally unhealthy family member. But that mindset does not lead to connection or me wanting to be with him more. It leads to me distancing myself.

A friend today asked me what my contributions are to the relationship troubles. I feel pretty stumped by that bc I see his instability and selfishness so strongly.  But obviously there’s something there that I’m bringing or a reason I’m staying with the turmoil / why I tolerate it. Curious if you’ve gotten clarity on this for you. It sounds like you’re pretty clear on your own pros and cons.

[starryeyed]

The "crazy" that has been going on...a few examples.

I asked him if he was going to get my son's haircut (he usually takes him) or if he needed me to do it.  This spiraled that I was attacking him and he threatened to leave with his son, my stepson 3 years old, whom I have a tough relationship with.  His son repeatedly said "Yeah, let's leave her".  Of course he didn't actually leave because he truly never leaves.  He threatens to leave so that I beg him not to, which I've learned to not to anymore.  He has literally never actually left when he has threatened to.

At my sister's wedding, he was throwing a fit because I took a picture with my daughter before I did with him.  He was upset with me the entire day over it.

At Christmas, he threatened 2 nights in a row to leave me in a hotel where my extended family was also staying.  I literally cried and begged him not to go because I would have been so mortified.  Then after the fact, he said he was never going to actually "leave" me he would have only left me at the hotel, not the relationship.  That's when I knew I had to stop begging him to stay.

He gets extremely jealous of anyone I am around - family, co-workers, kids and even our dog.  If I show love, appreciation or affection towards them he takes it personally that I don't like him.

When he throws fits, he will break things, yell, motion his hands up and down to make his point, corners me or cries uncontrollably for long periods of time.  He will ask questions, but no matter my answer, I am wrong.  So I don't see the point.  I find my sticking point in the argument and cling to that.  I won't let him get me off track.

I have so many reasons to leave time and time again.  But my fear is this is my second marriage and my children's biological father doesn't work well with me.  I'm afraid it will make me seem unstable that I married this guy and divorced him a year later.

We have been in marriage counseling, which he thinks is a joke, doesn't do his "homework", etc.  I haven't told the therapist yet that I suspect BPD, however I am telling her this week.  I've also had my own counseling. 

[Tsunami Sailor]

This is an excellent question, and opens up those I personally struggle with, as well.  When my uBPD wife is in rage mode, she pulls up all the same accusations and insults that have been disproven and dispelled in calmer conversations many times over.  She curses and yells about how I am such a quiet and cautious person, throwing up walls between us that cause her to be miserable,  and that she should leave.  I think we are supposed to turn on "validation mode" when our partner turns on their crazy, but I find this impossible.  I'm not going to say, "Yes dear, you're right!  All those lies you just said about me are true.  Let's talk about it."

In my situation, we have 2 kids who are young.  They see these crazy mood swings every day, and hear their mommy yelling about how daddy is mean and doesn't provide what mommy needs.  I'm sure that deep down they understand I'm being rational, but it's natural to love your mom, and it's their nature to try to comfort her.  And she seeks their comfort.  They are observing, and learning.  I hate what this is teaching them about relationships.  Am I teaching them to repeatedly forgive and forget, and turn the other cheek to an abusive partner?  Is my wife putting parental burden on them by being needful of them rather than the reverse?

She sometimes apologizes after the fact - a few hours, or a day later.  She blames it on events and ailments that happened to her.  Sometimes she doesn't apologize at all.  She claims that a DBT class taught her to not apologize - I have no idea what that's about.  In the end, I don't know how much to trust that she loves me when she's in a pleasant mood any more than trusting that she hates me when she's in a vile mood. She's told me that she has told friends she screwed up by having a relationship with, and marrying me. I work hard to un-hear or suppress her words, and it's hard to look into her eyes quite the same as I once her her say them.  At best, I end up somewhere in the middle of love and hate, just about all the time.

Away from her, I can think of her and view her as a child.  To her face, I can't.  I need more than a child to help as a parent, and to feel there's got to be an equal give and take in the relationship I've wanted for so long.  I try to look at her as mentally ill, and I embrace it better to a point.  I am sure there is a line to be drawn for each of us, beyond which it is no longer healthy for us or our families.  I wrestle with this too.

I sometimes imagine the calm I might enjoy in a different life without her.  There are things I would miss, but mostly I am sure would appreciate the stability.  I don't know how I would cope with having to divide time with the kids.  For one, I feel like I am necessary to protect them when she feels overwhelmed and rages, or when she doesn't feel like leaving the house to take them to activities, or when she doesn't want to be bothered with dinner, or helping with homework, etc.

Our counselor recognizes that our problems are the result of her very deep emotional issues, and so our counseling is usually her talking about herself.  Sometimes, she hits moments of self-awareness, sometimes she demonstrates her rage toward me.  You ask a great question in the last line of your original post, and I'm struggling with the best answer for my family.  If I can't count on my partner for emotional support when we need it, why bother?

[Delight1]

This is a question that I haven't thought about before.  I would think I am somewhere in the middle.  When we are the only 2 people around, kids in bed, just him and I, it is much easier to think of him as my partner.  When there is chaos, kids, anything else going on I am always looking to try and protect him.  Make sure he is supported and is doing ok, much like what I do with the children as well.  That leaves me.  I am one to admit that I run myself into the ground trying to make sure everyone is happy and ok. 
Now that I am thinking about it, even when we are alone I am usually the supporter. The one to make everything better.  I tend to hold everything in and keep it as my burden away from everyone else.  So I guess I do not rise above the crazy.  I just relish in the calmer times while they last.

[Radcliff]

As you can see from MrsDarling, Tsunami Sailor, and Delight1, you are not alone.  Many have had similar experiences to you.  The situations you describe sound exhausting and stressful to deal with.

I have so many reasons to leave time and time again.  But my fear is this is my second marriage and my children's biological father doesn't work well with me.  I'm afraid it will make me seem unstable that I married this guy and divorced him a year later.

We want to make relationship decisions from a position of strength, based on what's good for us in the long term.  Staying out of fear or leaving out of fear don't get us the best results for us.  Strive for stability and confidence that you feel internally -- worrying about how it appears from the outside means that you don't trust yourself to be the shot-caller.  Don't worry, I can't really think of any member who has arrived here working from a position of strength and confident about their relationship decisions!  If you stick with us and work on the lessons here, there's a ton you can learn to become more confident as well as tools to make the current situation better.

I sincerely believe you'd get a lot out of reading Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend.  It talks about how we can make unsafe relationship decisions in all areas of our lives, and how we can learn to turn things around.

OK, back to the lessons here.  You talked about sticking to your point when arguing.  Take a look at this link about learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Figuring that out can make a huge difference in reducing verbal conflict in our relationships.  Let us know whether you think that lesson might be useful for you.  We've got others, too ;)

RC