I think I need better boundaries

[FaithHopeLove]

I am always telling other people about boundaries. Now I think I should take my own advice. I am looking at the last text conversation gone bad with my son. He keeps insulting me and I keep ignoring it and feeling bad the next day. Next time he does that I think I am going to say "I am willing to listen to you and help if I can but fI can't do that if you keep saying mean things to me." What do the rest of you think? Will that work?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cbusmom]

I am always telling other people about boundaries. Now I think I should take my own advice. I am looking at the last text conversation gone bad with my son. He keeps insulting me and I keep ignoring it and feeling bad the next day. Next time he does that I think I am going to say "I am willing to listen to you and help if I can but fI can't do that if you keep saying mean things to me." What do the rest of you think? Will that work?

I think that is a very good boundary.

Admittedly I am not a seasoned veteran on what to do so I am interested in seeing what others with experience within the mental health community would say based on what they have learned with their own therapist's.

The only thing I would add to what you might say is to add clear consequences such as 'I will not respond to you when you say mean things to me'.

[FaithHopeLove]

Good addition. My son can be very manipulative when he is disregulated so my boundaries need to be clear and firm.

[Bluemoon23]

I have avoided speaking with my kiddo because of that. The last words texted were awful. I decided that I will send texts periodically about other things for now. But that is definitely a boundary now for me. If you do that I will not respond or engage. I think you are right to follow your own advice and let your son know what is not okay for you and what you will do if that continues. It's so hard...I know.

I hope you can craft something that is firm and you can follow Faith and be okay with.

[twocrazycats]

It sounds like it's important to set that boundary. I'm too new to this to say that I know what will work, but one thing I try to do with my daughter is word things positively whenever possible. So instead of saying "I can't do that if you say mean things..." I would say something like, "I'd really like to listen and help if I can, but I can only do that if (or "when") you communicate respectfully with me."

[Harri]

Will that work?

Work in what way?  Getting you away from vrbal abuse or getting your son to stop talking that way?  Or something else?

[FaithHopeLove]

By will that work I mean will it somehow make the situation better. Ideally I would like my son to stop the hateful remarks but if all I can do is protect myself from the fallout that would also be an improvement.

[Harri]

Thanks Faith.

I think it will remove you from abuse.  I might add to it but just a bit:  "I am willing to listen to you and help if I can but I can't do that if you keep saying mean things to me.  We can pick up this conversation later."  and then end the convo or change the topic.  Over time with consistency and if it is said in a neutral way and tone, this may result in your son changing the way he speaks to you or it may not. 

As you know, boundaries are about protecting us not changing the other person (Yeah, I know you know that  )

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes I do know that. I don't control my son. Protecting myself is the main thing. Should he choose to stop with the nasty remarks that will be great but I am not counting on it.

[livednlearned]

How often does he text? Are any of the the texts reasonable?

Do you receive notifications or see banners/badges when he texts?

What do you feel when you see that there is a text from him?

I'm wondering if you want to protect yourself, or if you want to shape your behavior (to make more clear what you will and won't allow). I guess they seem slightly different to me.

Protecting yourself can be more draconian. Shaping behavior is probably more work and in my experience requires a bit more patience and emotional strength.

[Resiliant]

Hi there,   I am going through the same thing.  My son has gotten a little better since I set some firmer boundaries by telling him that I won't respond to abuse.  I have to stay firm because last year I went as far as blocking him for awhile and he got much better after but then when I relaxed about it he got worse again.  
I have told him that I won't engage in these types of conversations.  Right now he is  better in that he now doesn't call me swear names.   He will still sometimes yell text (all caps), and he has dropped his other swear words to mostly asterisks so that I know he is swearing but he's just going half as far.    He still texts at all hours but I put my phone on "do not disturb" from 9pm to 7am.   And I can still get 30 - 100 texts at a time when he is really disregulated.  It's exhausting, I don't have time to read a book!  And sometimes I can't even bring myself to read his texts right away, it just brings me down.  I know that ignoring is very invalidating, but sometimes I just ignore because I need to keep my mood up for my business and my relationship with my husband etc.    
Lately his texts are all about accusing me of treating the other kids better, not being a good family person etc.   I feel like I don't want to enter JADE, but at the same time if I don't respond he comes back with "You don't have an answer so it must be true"     Sigh...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cbusmom]

"You don't have an answer so it must be true"     Sigh...

I have heard some variation of this a few times. Not since I have changed my ways of communicating to be more aware of validating / invalidating language and actions. I worry that if I ever do get this from him how would I respond. So I am very interested to see what suggestions will be offered by this group.

[Resiliant]

I think that I have to keep working on the SET method.  Start with Support, then Empathy, then Truth.  That way I can at least be validating, while still offering some truth.  The truth part is the most work in that I feel that I need to be very careful and make it about the present not the past.  Keep away from any form of anything that might be interpreted as blame, and keep away from JADE.  It takes some thinking and that is why I feel exhausted sometimes because it's a daily thing.  I guess instead I should buck up and realize that the more I do it, the better I will get at it.  It's just a challenge after all.   I / we can do this!

[Bluemoon23]

@twocrazycats. I like that. Thank you. Much better to be positive then negative. I am new to all of this too and trying to change the way I speak/text.

[Harri]

I'm wondering if you want to protect yourself, or if you want to shape your behavior (to make more clear what you will and won't allow). I guess they seem slightly different to me.

Protecting yourself can be more draconian. Shaping behavior is probably more work and in my experience requires a bit more patience and emotional strength.

Oooh!  I always get some new perspective and learn things from you LnL!  Can you give some examples in wording a boundary that will also work towards possibly shaping behavior?   Thinking about this in terms of shaping behavior is a great way to go about setting boundaries with one we love.      Thank you for that.

[PeaceMom]

Yes, LNL! Please expand on this!