How to figure out a way to be with him and also protect myself?

[snoopythedog]

Hi this is my first post. I have been married for three years and with my SO for 5. It’s been a long process. He didn’t know he had BPD (he was misdiagnosed for some time with Bipolar). He isnt bipolar but he does also have PTSD and substance abuse disorder. Throughout our joint effort he came to be properly diagnosed last year (he is 45). Since then he has finally been able to get effective treatment. He has been trying really hard and has made many permanent changes but still is emotionally abusive, has a lot of suicidal ideation (and threats suicide during arguments), self harms, and has trouble managing his emotions.
When I think about how we began, how much worse things were and compare it to now, there’s been a huge difference. But I feel so burnt out and like all the bad experiences that have happened and have continued to happen are all compounded. I have lost a lot of my resilience and am very hurt by things he’s done.
Recently, he realized he was sexual abused (he didn’t see himself as a victim because it was by a woman). Since this realization he’s relapsed into bad behaviors and seems to be permanently triggered. I had to go away to my home town (I am in a foreign country and have no support here, which makes things really hard). I feel like my whole existence is a trigger for him, any feelings I have no matter how kindly I express them cause him to lash out at me and blame me, make me out to be an abuser when I AM NOT. He threatened suicide Two days ago and I was in Miami (my hometown). He sent me what amounts to a suicide text and then did not reply to me. I called the cops. They broke down the door. He was not home. He had gone for a walk. He got committed and then immediately released. He told me he lied to the doctors and police. I am staying at an Airbnb in Toronto. I am scared to go back to the apartment. It’s complicsted. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t be around him because he keeps splitting me. I love him so much but I don’t know how to figure out a way to be with him and also protect myself.
Thanks for reading if you’ve read this long.

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[Harri]

Hi snoopy and welcome to the board.  You are not alone in this struggle.  We have many members here who are trying to figure out how to stay in their relationship and remain or even get healthy as well.

It is great that your husband is in therapy.  I am wondering what sort of support you have.  Other than here that is?  Do you see a therapist?  I am not saying there is anything wrong with you.  Rather I am thinking it is so hard to support someone going through the recovery process while also taking care of yourself.  Is therapy an option? 

If you had to pick just one thing to address for yourself what would it be?  Let's try to start there.

Again,

[snoopythedog]

Hi harri
I feel exhausted by therapy because I went for so long and it always ended with the therapist urging me to leave. It made me feel like I had less options. I tried many different approaches with my SO that I learned including DBT for families and i don’t get different results because he doesn’t change his responses to me. No matter how hard I try it I am still a monster to him at the end.

[snoopythedog]

I also don’t have any friends or family in the country I’m in (where he’s from) so it’s extra hard. My family wouldn’t understand and are a bit toxic so I don’t want to involve them. I have a great core group of friends who support me but they live in another country