BP Mother Sent Birthday Gift

[tryingforzen]

My BP mother sent a generic card with a check in it for my birthday.  We haven't been speaking for past 4 months- during this time I laid out some boundaries in an email and told her I wasn't ready to talk on the phone.  She keeps leaving voicemails and refuses to respond to me via email or even acknowledge my email.  I feel like the check is a ploy... to see if I will cash it (could just hear her thinking, "that bitch won't call but she'll take my money") or it's intended to guilt me into a phone call to thank her.  Am I reading too much into it?   
Side note-  this is the first time I've ever gone silent and stuck to it.. or attempted to establish any boundaries with her. 

[Starfire]

With BPD, I don't think the question is ever "Am I reading too much into it?"  Rather, it's "what can I read into it?"  My mother always had an angle she was playing, and it could change abruptly. That said, "reading into" her behavior was most often counter-productive and stressful for me.  Best to go straight to deciding how I was going to react to the behavior.  Or not react.

Perhaps think about the various courses of action you could take and how you'd feel after each one?  That might lead you to something you can be comfortable doing next.

[Methuen]

I feel like the check is a ploy... to see if I will cash it (could just hear her thinking, "that bitch won't call but she'll take my money") or it's intended to guilt me into a phone call to thank her.

Aargh!

You could be writing about my mom, with that quote.

This is one of those "no win" situations with a BPD.  Regardless of what you do, you open yourself to being on the losing end of the enchange.  It's "designed" to meet their need to "poke" at you and draw you in to the drama, but contribute nothing to a healthy relationship. 

Best to go straight to deciding how I was going to react to the behavior.  Or not react.

I like this reply by Starfire.  It cautions against "overthinking" her motives, and focuses on your response "in the present".   

Everybody's situation is unique.  Impossible to say what is a good response for someone else.  I honestly don't know how I would even respond.  I can totally see my mother doing this very thing.  It's a really lousy situation to be in.  But it really emphasizes how unhealthy the BP is.  Who else would do this to someone?  Do you have a counsellor or therapist? 

I would be interested to know what you decide, and how it goes, because it could inform me in the future with a similar problem.

[tryingforzen]

This is one of those "no win" situations with a BPD.  Regardless of what you do, you open yourself to being on the losing end of the exchange. 

Ugh!  I know and I hate it!  I've been working SO hard trying to stick to my guns and I feel like she is manipulating me into communicating under the guise of her generosity. 

Do you have a counsellor or therapist?   I would be interested to know what you decide, and how it goes, because it could inform me in the future with a similar problem.

Yes, I have an awesome therapist I've been working with for years who has gotten me to where I am today with this.  Ironically, I got the card after a session just this afternoon in which I was commenting about how relieved I was that I hadn't received a card or anything.   


And I am doubly anxious over the fact that my son's birthday is this coming weekend and I don't know how I want to handle it... I know she'll try to call and will probably send a gift.  Not sure I want to let her talk to him either if we aren't speaking.   I don't want to give her an inch because I feel like I might undue 4 LONG months of progress. 

"reading into" her behavior was most often counter-productive and stressful for me.  Best to go straight to deciding how I was going to react to the behavior.  Or not react.
Perhaps think about the various courses of action you could take and how you'd feel after each one?  That might lead you to something you can be comfortable doing next.

I like reframing it to think about my reaction more than her intention.  I'll sit with this the next few days and work my feelings into some meditating/ midfulness I've been practicing.  See which reaction makes me least sick to my stomach.  ;) Thank you!

[GaGrl]

Ugh!

 Short answer is to endorse the check and forward it to a charitable organization. She will get an acknowledgement from the org, and you can send a "thank you, here is what I did with the check, " if you want to even go that far.

[Methuen]

Short answer is to endorse the check and forward it to a charitable organization. She will get an acknowledgement from the org, and you can send a "thank you, here is what I did with the check

Smart answer GaGrl!  It's brilliant, and made me laugh when I read it.  It's at least another option that's politically correct, and hard for her to criticize. 

[Notwendy]

Trojan horse!

Any time my mother does something "nice" it has an ulterior motive. She's extremely manipulative and likes to "play" people. The moment I assume she's being genuine, I've been played like a fool.

I like the  suggestion to send the money to a charity and have them send an acknowledgement to her. However, another consideration is that any response is still a response. I'd also consider just shredding it if I was determined to not respond at all.

As to being the "bad guy"- I think it is something that is inevitable. My mother is in victim mode and sets me up to be the persecutor in her world. We are not NC, but even if I do something nice for her, she pushes the boundary until I have to say no. Then, she's in victim mode. This is how she presents me to her friends and family. I've realized that her victim perspective is how she sees things and it's not something I can change.

Part of my having my own boundaries is to act according to my own ethics. I'm surely not perfect, but I try to do the right thing and be a good person when I can. How she sees me or what she says about me doesn't change that. Having boundaries with her is a result of her abusive and manipulative behavior towards me, not due to malice on my part, but I can't change how she sees it or chooses to present it.

[zachira]

Your mother has put you between a rock and a hard wall by sending you a check for your birthday which requires some sort of action on your part whether it is keeping the check and maybe cashing it at some point, or doing nothing to cash the check either by destroying it or sending it elsewhere. My mother with BPD used money as a means to control her children and have contact with us. She was constantly telling me I had no money and needed her to support me, even though that was never true. She was always trying to send me money, even though she was not well off nor did I need the money to survive. Can you tell us more about what is the message you feel your mother is sending you by giving you a birthday gift? In my experience, the more I was able to express my deepest feelings and feel heard, the less whatever my mother did affected me negatively in the present moment and the less overwhelmed I was by what she did on future occasions. It is likely you may continue to feel invalidated and frustrated, hurt by how your mother ignores your feelings while she does everything she can to be the one that sets the tone of your relationship. What things help you the most to be less impacted by how your mother treats you?

[tryingforzen]

Can you tell us more about what is the message you feel your mother is sending you by giving you a birthday gift? What things help you the most to be less impacted by how your mother treats you?

I feel like she is trying to keep up her persona of being this wonderful Mother.  So she feels like she can truthfully brag about all she does and how ungrateful I am.  In her mind she is ALWAYS the victim.  She never sees or admits to any wrong-doing on her part.  And I feel like there is a manipulation at play-  since I am not caving like I usually do and I won't call her back like she wants- I can see her (in a sinister way) saying "I'll show her" as she writes out the check.   Knowing I'll feel guilt and/or obligation to acknowledge the gift.  And knowing I'll need to either cash it or not..  either way it's going to be wrong- I can't win.  Logically I know this, but I am still tortured with the decision of what to do. 

I don't really know yet what would make me feel less impacted.  Where I am now is such unchartered territory for me.  I've always been the "good" one who caves or keeps the peace- never dare expressing any opposing opinions.  I feel like I have just recently woken up after 40+ years of going through the motions and taking her nonsense.  And just becoming more aware around me of what healthy mother/daughter relationships look like.  I HATE how much she gets in my head.  Some days I feel completely ridiculous for perpetuating the silent treatment- I mean, she's my mom.  How long can I let this go on?  But she truly makes me crazy.  Seeing her handwriting on a card made my stomach drop. Just hearing her voice in a voicemail makes me panicked and nauseous and scared.   That can't be normal, right?  Logically, I know she can't hurt me through a phone but it's always been mental and verbal with her.  I think I just need a break (from her) while I figure out how to better respond/ deal with her and time to focus on just me and my family. 

[Notwendy]

I also have a reaction to my mother's voice on the phone. Although I'm her scapegoat child, I was raised to give in to her requests/ sometimes demands. I wasn't allowed to say no to her. I was very compliant.

Saying no, having boundaries, was also new to me. She doesn't like it. It's been a while and I have boundaries with her now. I imagine this is new territory for her too.

Her relationship to me is all about image. She wants to be seen as a good mother and also grandmother. She sends my kids checks- for their birthdays, graduations etc. My mother uses money to manipulate people. She has sent them very large checks-clearly trying to buy their affection.

They are old enough now to see the larger picture, understand BPD. They aren't close to her but they are polite to her. I think the checks don't feel comfortable to them, but they have expenses now like college and it does help them. The money is actually money my father left her and she's not responsible with money. However, the kids are and it's gone to their education expenses- so in the grand scheme of things, I think my father would have been OK with that.

It's awkward though as the kids don't want to be close to her. We've considered not cashing them, but then that would cause drama too. It definitely causes a feeling of obligation and she follows it up with texting them and calling them. They have pretty good boundaries with her though.

[tryingforzen]

I would be interested to know what you decide, and how it goes, because it could inform me in the future with a similar problem.

So, after much deliberation (and tossing and turning), I sent a simple email saying "Thank you for the Birthday card."  I figured that would (maybe) reinforce my prior requests that email was the only way I was comfortable talking to her right now.  And acknowledging it made me feel like a decent human being.  I had sent my Dad a Fathers Day gift (about a month after Mom & I stopped speaking) that never got acknowledged so I didn't want to play that game.  I still haven't cashed it and I do like the idea of donating it.  I decided whether she knows it went to charity or not is besides the point, but it would clear my conscience since I don't need her money.  Spending it would make me feel guilty. 

I just sent the email this morning so I don't know what the response will be.  I think that's why I had so much anxiety about even acknowledging it.  She usually responds immediately and it usually stings.  I know it's probably coming and I have a sense of  dread. 

[Notwendy]

I would not spend the money my mother sends the kids on myself, or on things they don't need. It was money my father worked hard to earn. She didn't allow him to give me money and she doesn't send money to me. However, she's trying to buy the kids' affection and have some control in their lives.

I think if my father were not in the enabling type of relationship he had with my mother. ( he is deceased now)- he would have been able to help me more with my college expenses. I think if he was alive, he'd be proud of his grandchildren. So when the money she sends goes to their education, it seems better. Her checks feel creepy due to her motivations, but it's what my father would have wanted to do.

Where and how can you place this money to a cause you can feel OK about? Is there a cause you feel passionate about? Is there a family member who can use some help with college? Is there a scholarship fund at a school you want to help?

[Lstrayed]

I really can't begin to tell you how much I relate to this right now! I hadn't spoken to my mother in weeks due to her saying inappropriate things to my son(even with very little contact she found her chance and took it) She of course played dumb and couldnt understand why I would possibly be upset. After about 2 weeks of silence my irrational guilty brain set in and I sent her a photo through text of a big milestone of my son. I sent it to all the relatives and close friends and didn't feel right leaving my parents out. Well I gave an inch and of course she took a mile. I immediately received text after text acting as if nothing happened(I guess she assumed I would forgive and forget her nastiness as usual) she then came up with a ploy of needing to drop something off with me. I told her we wouldn't be home and gave her a safe place to put it at our home. Nope..not her plan. She made a huge enough deal that I told her I would quickly grab it from her house on my way home. To put it in nice terms...it was a PLEASE READ show! I should've stuck to my guns. She had a small window and she took full advantage and it really affected me this time. Like you said...all this work on myself and it feels undone in a few minutes! Back to the "silent treatment" for me as well. I agree..it feels ridiculous and I have this looming dread and sickness about the next ultimate interaction. My son's bday is coming up and I don't even know how to handle it. But I know she will turn into a drama and act as if Im keeping my kids from her. My husband is at a loss as to why I feel guilty being how horrible she is and it's so complicated... I don't even know. I know they're not my responsibility. It just all makes me sick. So after YEARS of thinking I had my boundaries intact and very little contact was "working"(To a degree) I feel somewhat back at square one! I just started therapy again but had to go to a new one after YEARS of feeling like I was doing well enough without it. Opening the old wounds and starting my story from scratch has been hard...but I'm hopeful(trying to be at least) I feel that she realized that the boundaries were there and that her little digs when we occasionally had interaction weren't affecting me anymore, so she tried manipulating my young child! Of course her and my Dad are acting as if I'M crazy for thinking that! I can't allow her to affect my kids..but because we have shielded them so much from my parents dysfunction they...of course...love my parents! So it's hard not to feel guilty! How do u handle your children's bdays during no contact?

[Notwendy]

Lstrayed- I understand your dilemma- I don't know if there's a comfortable way to handle this. I didn't go NC but am LC and had some boundaries about my kids and BPD mom who doesn't act appropriately with them at times. It's not a perfect solution, but it got better when the kids got older- and on to college as they are more focused on their own interests than their parents or grandparents. Maybe the best thing I could do for them is to allow them to have their own boundaries- with me, with anyone else and also with grandma.

My mother sees boundaries as a challenge. She doesn't respect them Growing up, I was not allowed to have boundaries with her- both she and my father expected complete compliance with me. Naturally, they expected this to continue with my kids- full access, no boundaries and compliance on all our parts.

Thankfully, what feels "normal" to us, and even triggering with regards to our parents doesn't affect our kids the same way. My mother was relatively harmless when my kids were little. I never left her alone with them, which wasn't a problem. She's not interested in child care - doesn't change diapers or do the work of child care. She basically just wanted to see them, and that didn't affect them much and other people were always there too.

As they got to be adolescents- she began to enlist them as her emotional caretakers and also try to triangulate them with her against me. It was then that I had to have boundaries and she hated that and my father also sided with her. I found it ironic considering how she abused her own children and he knew it. I thought maybe he'd understand why I would not allow her to do the same to my kids. But this meant she'd be accountable for her behavior and we can't have that- can we? ( sarcasm here).

My mother prefers victim mode- I'm a terrible daughter for keeping her from her grandchildren. But if being a good mother to them means her thinking that, then I choose to be a good mother. It's hurtful and difficult but if the way to please my parents is to allow my mother to treat my kids like she treats her own children- then there is no way I would choose that.

My kids are old enough to understand BPD. They are polite to my mother but have their own boundaries with her. I am clear with them that they can do this- and I will stand by them. If there's a silver lining - there are other difficult people out there I have had the chance to teach them that they can say no, stand up for themselves and have boundaries with difficult people.

I too wish it was different. I would love to have a "normal" mother-daughter relationship and for my mother to be closer to my kids. But she is who she is. For me to push a close relationship on my kids would involve violating their natural boundaries. They feel uncomfortable around her. I want them to honor that feeling- it's how they know they are dealing with a dysfunctional person. I wasn't allowed to do this, and it made other relationships difficult for me- and I want better than that for them.

[tryingforzen]

How do u handle your children's bdays during no contact?

I feel for you.  Thankfully in my case, we live in a different state.  I cannot even begin to imagine trying to navigate this if my Mother was close enough to show up.  My son had a birthday this past weekend and my parents sent a card with money.  I debated just having him send a thank you note but my husband thought my son should call to thank them.  I had my husband sitting by to monitor the call on speaker phone in case my mom started into anything inappropriate, but luckily they got voicemail and just left a message. 

My mother prefers victim mode- I'm a terrible daughter for keeping her from her grandchildren. ...My kids are old enough to understand BPD. They are polite to my mother but have their own boundaries with her...
I too wish it was different. I would love to have a "normal" mother-daughter relationship and for my mother to be closer to my kids. But she is who she is.

Notwendy-  How old were your kids when you explained their grandmother had BPD?  Watching my kids over the years with my husband's mother (who is everything a grandmother should be) and watching their interactions with her vs my mom is what has helped give my the courage to see my mom for who she is and stop this charade and drama.  They haven't spoken to my mom in MONTHS (because even when I was speaking to my mom she rarely asked to speak to them).  Especially my youngest has always been reluctant to even talk on the phone to her.  A few years ago, she called to ask him what he wanted for Christmas and when he told her she proceeded to tell him how dumb his ideas were and that she wasn't buying any of them and maybe he'd just get clothes instead (he was about 5 years old).  He was literally crying. 

I chose to not go visit this summer and got the victim card about how dare I keep her grandchildren from her and that she can't believe one week a year is too much of a sacrifice for me to let her see them. 

I have debated telling the kids that she I arent' speaking- especially my oldest who's 12-  but I don't know that they are old enough yet to fully understand.  I definitely think they know there is a huge difference between my husband's mom vs mine.  If pressed they would 100% say they prefer the former.  I know it's not a competition, but as they've gotten older I've realized that I want them to be around people who show them love, support, encouragement, understanding, etc.  I wish it were different but if keeping them from my mother means shielding them from the mood swings, nasty comments and conditional love, then that's what I think it healthier.

[Notwendy]

It wasn't until well into high school. They began to have an understanding of mental illness and had even heard of BPD.

My mother is inappropriate- she shared TMI about her sex life with my father to me when I was a young teen. By preteen, she'd try to get one of my kids off alone with her. She would not outright be sexually abusive, but she has poor boundaries and she'd ask them if they "liked" anyone at school or had a romantic interest. I suspect, but have no proof, that my mother was sexually abused as a child, and so her boundaries with this topic are weak.

Mostly my approach with the kids was "listen to your gut" when it comes to interacting with people. When they were little, I had to be this boundary. I wanted them to pay attention to their own natural boundaries. If they feel uncomfortable with someone - they need to pay attention to their feelings. My mother's creepy questions made them uncomfortable. I told them not to go off alone with her and to not answer anything they didn't want to.

My goal was not to just protect them from my mother, but to stand by their own natural boundaries so they would have these tools when they met any dysfunctional person. This was different from my own upbringing. My mother made me feel uncomfortable, but the adults in my life invalidated this. "don't be silly, she's your mother". "how dare you say this about your mother". So I grew up thinking if someone made me feel uncomfortable, it was something not right with me and I had to ignore that. I didn't want my kids to not have good boundaries.

So, I didn't discuss this as something directly about my mother- but about people in general, told them it is OK to say no, to stick up for yourself and to have boundaries with them- no matter who they are.

Later, we had the psychology talk- when they were mature enough to understand it.